To not forgive this (chicken pox related)

[JustLyra]

My youngest DD is CEV. She has numerous health problems and we’ve had to be very careful her whole life.

That has meant, especially since covid, finding a balance between protecting her, but making sure her siblings don’t live too limited a life. It’s not an easy balance and not one we always get 100% right.

Our policy with other people has always been - please give us a heads up if we’re due to spend time with you and we’ll risk assess it. We never expect other people to cancel their attendance at parties etc, if we don’t feel it’s safe enough for her then we miss out. All we ask is that we’re given the info.

People around us are generally really good. It’s been a bit problematic since the mindset of covid being over has come in, but generally we’ve muddled through ok.

Earlier in the summer one of my other kids, who is 8, was invited to a sleepover for a birthday - just her and the birthday kid. The parent of the birthday kid knows us very well and said there was no coughs, colds or anything in their home the afternoon I dropped DD3 off. Everything seemed fine and dandy.

A few days after the party I got a message saying that the birthday child had chicken pox. Sure as fate DD3 had caught them. DD4 then caught them and it was a horrid time as she ended up spending 6 days in hospital seriously ill.

To me it was one of those things and couldn’t be helped.

Except now it turns out that the birthday child was known to have CP before the party. The birthday mum told another mum because she felt guilty and that mum told her to tell us or she would.

Birthday child felt well with the CP and apparently “really really really wanted DD4 as their sleepover guest” so the parents decided to just not say anything because it “could” have happened that they didn’t know so we had decided to take that risk.

They’ve been apologetic, as in the Dad apologised very briefly, but they seem fixed on “but, if we hadn’t known them you wouldn’t have known” and that, to them, seems to make it ok. Whereas to me it really doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t want anything to do with them again. I don’t trust them and I’m furious that they’d take that risk with someone else’s child, especially in our situation.

and they don’t seem to grasp that even before I had my youngest I’d have been pissed off if someone deliberately hid that because who exposes another child to CP deliberately without their parents ok? What if the Mum was pregnant?

My AIBU is this - the kids met at an activity. During the holidays when it’s off we usually try and organise a few play dates so they don’t lose touch. It’s always them/their DD that asks. Mine is happy to meet up, but has never asked. This summer I’m thinking just not agreeing to any of the meet ups.

If my DD asks id need to re-assess, but I don’t think she will. Id rather just let the friendship fizzle to a weekly thing at their activity as that way it limits contact with the parents.

It is totally unforgivable and I would absolutely not be engaging with them. They can forget about playdates.

Its unreasonable to knowingly expose someone's else's child to CP even without an ill sibling, doubly with the ill sibling!

Some people think it is a completely routine childhood illness, but it is dangerous to some people- my husbands aunt was relieved when the 3 children in the family got it for example as she was having chemotherapy and it reduced the worry about exposure to it at family events.

These parents have shown they don't understand.

These people are not your friends. That is totally shit of them.

That's outrageous. Definitely ditch them, and if they dare to try to arrange a meetup over the summer reply with "Sorry, that isn't possible. We have to safeguard the health of my youngest." so they know exactly why. Untrustworthy bastards.

But if you read the full thread the OP states several times that her children are vaccinated, just that her youngest still has no immunity. You've just made assumptions here.

Very selfish of them, a genuine friend wouldn’t have so little regard for your child’s health. Unforgivable behaviour.

People saying "but you can't avoid chicken pox" are missing the point. The point is that the parents know about the special circumstances, and knew their child was infectious. In German Chicken Pox is called Windpocken (wind pox) because it is so utterly contagious.

So instead of letting the OP have the small amount of control you can have over your life by telling her and letting her, the one with the vulnerable child, make the decision they decided that their child having a sleepover was more important. 6 days in hospital isn't trivial. It is a risk that never needed to be taken. Sure life is full of risk, but we mitigate so many of them and this was a missed chance for OP to do that.

The Dad, who keeps trying to chat at pick up, just seems fixated on “but if we didn’t know the same could have happened”.

I would look him in the eye and say "but you did know. You thought you knew better than me. You put my child at risk. Never darken my doorstep again." I may add something like "we have ebola" and then shut the door.

I am so sorry to hear this

People who don’t have a CEV child don’t truly understand the potential consequences. We were the same with dd1. Protected her as much as we could and missed out on lots of stuff, asked people to tell us if they has colds etc before meeting. One moronic friend came round with a chest infection for a NYE dinner, held her and played with her before coughing a bit and announcing his illness. She died 3 days later. For most people the illness wouldn’t have been serious, but for her it was fatal. I will never forgive his selfishness.

I’m sorry these friends didn’t understand the severity of what would happen, and glad your dd js ok.

Me too! Presumably some people share the selfish gene obviously in the makeup of the parents of the child with chickenpox

To clarify the vaccine thing once again (and for the last time).

everyone in my home is vaccinated against everything they can be.

All the kids have been vaccinated against chicken pox.

DD3 had an extremely mild case of CP, which can happen in vaccinated children. She didn’t feel ill, no temp etc. She had two spots. Had I not been on the lookout for it after the message it’s quite possible we’d have missed it and not known where DD4 got it from.

DD4 is, again, vaccinated, but develops little to no immunity to things, hence still becoming very ill.

I would let your child carry on doing the activity she likes but I would probably be blanking the family completely to be honest. I couldn't get past something like that. Unforgivable.

Doing something deliberately is not the same as doing it accidentally. Running over someone that you didn't see is not the same as deliberately driving your car into someone. They chose to put your daughter at risk because it was convenient for them.

Their behaviour is disgusting, as is their attempt to justify it. I would completely cut them out of my life, and I wouldn't be shy about telling others the reason why.

Fuck that shit.

Scorched earth would be my reaction. How can people be so fucking selfish

But a better response would be the above pps line if the father ever bothers you talk to you again

Also props to the other mum who was so outraged she forced them to tell you saying she would otherwise. Hopefully it gets round what a shitty thing they did.

Hope your family's okay.

Here for the apology that's surely imminent from @DixonD

YANBU

I would cut all contact with them. That's unforgivable what they did.

I’m so so sorry for your loss.

This is my biggest fear. I know at some point we’re going to lose DD4. I just want her for as long as possible, and not to lose her over something preventable.

I voted YABU for not having her children vaccinated.

You dearly don't know much on vaccinations do you? Some people can have vaccinations and still gain zero immunity. They can keep having the vaccination again and again and still not have immunity from it.

but if we didn’t know the same could have happened”

I agree with @Brefugee - I’d look him in the eye and say “but you did know. So it wasn’t unfortunate, you knowingly exposed DD4 to that risk. And, not surprisingly, she was very ill.” And I’d have very little to do with them after that.

People saying "but you can't avoid chicken pox" are missing the point.

They come across as people who don't care who their child exposes to chicken pox when they've got it. God forbid people actually stop and think of the health of others.

Hiya, I can see why you are angry, and I would be too, but it's over and done with now. Kids need their friends. Don't spoil you DDs fun if she wants to meet up with her friend. That's just my opinion...which may be wrong, cos I am mega preggo and having issues with my step daughter, and only young myself, so who knows.....sorry ...don't suppose that helps at all, but I understand where you are coming from Babe. xx

Gosh @DixonD I hope you’ve the decency to apologise to OP.

OP, I’m so sorry about your DD. I wouldn’t be fostering any friendship with the family. They sound really selfish. They don’t seem to be a family that you want your family associated with tbh. They’re willing to risk a life just so their DD can have a sleepover.

^^This. And I'd be more than happy if others around heard you say it.

I agree.
What a horrible, selfish thing to do. What a terrible example to set to their child too, “you want something therefore you should have it even if it hurts someone else”.
I would write a scathing text, tell everyone what they did, and drop them like hot potatoes. Shameful behaviour.

@DixonD - can you stop trolling and RTFT?

You don't think the OP has done everything she can to protect such a vulnerable child??

Read her posts!!