To not forgive this (chicken pox related)

[JustLyra]

My youngest DD is CEV. She has numerous health problems and we’ve had to be very careful her whole life.

That has meant, especially since covid, finding a balance between protecting her, but making sure her siblings don’t live too limited a life. It’s not an easy balance and not one we always get 100% right.

Our policy with other people has always been - please give us a heads up if we’re due to spend time with you and we’ll risk assess it. We never expect other people to cancel their attendance at parties etc, if we don’t feel it’s safe enough for her then we miss out. All we ask is that we’re given the info.

People around us are generally really good. It’s been a bit problematic since the mindset of covid being over has come in, but generally we’ve muddled through ok.

Earlier in the summer one of my other kids, who is 8, was invited to a sleepover for a birthday - just her and the birthday kid. The parent of the birthday kid knows us very well and said there was no coughs, colds or anything in their home the afternoon I dropped DD3 off. Everything seemed fine and dandy.

A few days after the party I got a message saying that the birthday child had chicken pox. Sure as fate DD3 had caught them. DD4 then caught them and it was a horrid time as she ended up spending 6 days in hospital seriously ill.

To me it was one of those things and couldn’t be helped.

Except now it turns out that the birthday child was known to have CP before the party. The birthday mum told another mum because she felt guilty and that mum told her to tell us or she would.

Birthday child felt well with the CP and apparently “really really really wanted DD4 as their sleepover guest” so the parents decided to just not say anything because it “could” have happened that they didn’t know so we had decided to take that risk.

They’ve been apologetic, as in the Dad apologised very briefly, but they seem fixed on “but, if we hadn’t known them you wouldn’t have known” and that, to them, seems to make it ok. Whereas to me it really doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t want anything to do with them again. I don’t trust them and I’m furious that they’d take that risk with someone else’s child, especially in our situation.

and they don’t seem to grasp that even before I had my youngest I’d have been pissed off if someone deliberately hid that because who exposes another child to CP deliberately without their parents ok? What if the Mum was pregnant?

My AIBU is this - the kids met at an activity. During the holidays when it’s off we usually try and organise a few play dates so they don’t lose touch. It’s always them/their DD that asks. Mine is happy to meet up, but has never asked. This summer I’m thinking just not agreeing to any of the meet ups.

If my DD asks id need to re-assess, but I don’t think she will. Id rather just let the friendship fizzle to a weekly thing at their activity as that way it limits contact with the parents.

@Skynorth and should she cancel the cheque too, while she’s at it?

(the OP has said 7-8 times in this thread that all of her children are vaccinated against chicken pox, but the youngest has no immunity despite it.)

She's said 11 times the children are all vaccinated.

And others have pointed it out as well.

If the questions was why are none of the other children vaccinated then the answer would be because sadly it is not routine in the UK.

But honestly- in a fast moving and multi-paged thread it makes sense to either read the OPs posts, or to at least enough of the last page to see if the vaccination question has been answered.

@MamanDeChoix

I've not gone against any rules at all. Other than for disagreeing with the mn clique.

Well you have gone against the forum rules, which is why you've had posts deleted.

My children aren’t CEV and I would still be absolutely fuming.

We wouldn’t see them again.

Are people seriously still asking why op hasn't had her kids vaccinated 🤦‍♀️? Sweet baby Jesus.

I've only just opened the thread (and scanned through op's posts which is just common courtesy if you aren't a complete bellend) and can see many, many posts where op has clearly stated her dcs are all vaccinated against CP.

Anyway, I'm glad you don't have to see the dad anymore. Yanbu, obviously.

My dcs aren't CV but we've still had them vaccinated against CP. It would be great if this was standard as it is in numerous countries eg Germany and Australia, or even mandatory as it is in the states (you cannot go to school without proof you have been vaccinated). Anti vax people would probably lose their minds over the suggestion though, sigh

@Skynorth the question lots of people on here are asking is why after 22 pages and 48 hours people like you are still coming on the thread asking why the children ae not vaccinated.
Did it not occur to you to at least read the Op's posts before making such a stupid comment. Mumsnet even make it really easy for you, just click SEE ALL on an OP post and they will come up.
The poor OP has the patience of saint dealing with this crap after stating a dozen times that ALL of her kids ARE vaccinated.

The nitpicking reminds me of parents who knowingly won't cancel any activities for their kids if they have covid as someone else might have it anyway. It's ok to harm others as they may get harmed anyway mentality.

Utterly pointless post when you've clearly not bothered to read the OPs posts. The kids have been vaccinated and Cher child was seriously I'll requiring inpatient hospital care. Before posting at least have the courtesy to read the Op's posts.

I cannot believe so many people are so thick that despite the op having repeatedly confirmed the kids have been vaccinated, which has then been reconfirmed by others, that yet more posters are piling on saying the kids should have been vaccinated!! It's infuriating.

*ill, not I'll

Fucking hell @JustLyra I can’t decide if I feel more angry at the parents for putting you in the position or the mumsnetters that can’t read and can’t admit that they are wrong and continue to argue their side!

I would be livid in your position and you are definitely not being unreasonable to stop contact outside the club. How bloody selfish can some people be? I hope your dd is much better now and continues to be so.

I suspect that she/he has had their whole account deleted. They've gone extremely quiet on all of the threads on which they were being deliberately offensive and goady.

OP, it's rare that anything helpful happens after about page 5-7 of a thread in my experience. At that point, too many people read the opener, formulate a very stern opinion (e.g. why isn't the kid vaccinated?) and then are simply itching to post it so badly they only scan the first page of responses - which is why they're still asking it after you've answered the question about fourteen times.

You are not being unreasonable. You can see from this thread that the majority of people don't think so, and those that do display a clear lack of understanding about the basic facts of the situation - where they are not simply absolute twats. You aren't wrong. I'd be furious and shaken too. If your DD3 isn't bothered, just let the friendship fade out. I'm sorry for what you're all going through. It must be incredibly hard, particularly the last couple of years.

They were a trolling PBP. MN banned them (they emailed me)

Pleased to hear it.

Ah good to hear they banned the PBP. What a dick!

I guess this post is a sign that you're a moron who thinks reading the fucking thread is beneath you. There is no reason to make a comment that dozens of equally moronic posters have made already and the poor OP has had to address repeatedly.

I'll probably get banned for this,but IMO these posters deserve it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

My children are both fully vaccinated, neither have health issues but my eldest got chicken pox at age 3 & ended up in hospital for 10 days due to complications.
Yes it's a mild childhood illness for most, but not all, regardless of health status.

I also wouldn't want my children around someone with a contagious illness of any kind.

People think about how illness affects others until it happens to them.

Even if that were true, at what point did you think "no-one in the previous 600 posts could possibly have asked that?"and then clicked post?

I appreciate the irony in this comment before I say it,but half this fucking thread is people asking that moronic question and dozens of people responding to the idiocy so anyone with an iq in positive integers would have seen the question and answer multiple times over.

How is being a cunt to someone who's child nearly died not against human decency?

They were beyond selfish!
Op it really doesn't matter what other people say or do.
They know you have a child who is medically vulnerable. Also am I correct in saying there had been a discussion about if there were any colds etc etc going around their house before the sleep over? Obviously if this was the case then they lied by not telling you about the chicken CP so it wasn't just "not mentioned". It was deliberately missed out, you were misled. That is completely unforgivable!
I wouldn't how ever avoid the father (why should you!). I would just say the bear minimum to him. If he brings it up again I would simply say "I don't want to discuss it!" or something similar, this should shut him down and make it obvious your not happy.
It's very easy for other people to have an opinion, but all you're trying to do is do the best for your family! The balancing act of trying to give your other children a "normal life" but protect your vunruble child, must be so so difficult.
I think your have situations like this crop up. You know whats right for your family. Don't give it any more air time.

Well said.

Three things I've learnt from this thread

1. There are selfish fuckers out there who don't give a flying fuck about putting people's lives at risk.

1. Some people must have received a really shit education. Imagine getting to adulthood and not being able to read and comprehend a few paragraphs of writing that clearly explains the entire situation so that none of us have to keep asking the same question over and over again.

1. The OP has the patience of a saint.

So very angry on your behalf and also so sad at the utterly questionable attitude. I do think you may have recourse for a civil suit against them if not criminal.

I would tell him “I hope you’ll explain to your daughter when she asks why DD does not spend time with her anymore that we are unable to trust your judgement because your choice to lie to us landed our DD in the hospital.”

If he says he did not lie, “You broke your word to let us know if anyone in your household was ill. We would never have allowed our daughter to spend time in your home if we knew you were capable of this.”

May I offer you some advice to help with that confusion? Fucking read the OP’s posts, especially when it’s about an upsetting subject or something to do with OP’s ability to care for her own children.