To not forgive this (chicken pox related)

[JustLyra]

My youngest DD is CEV. She has numerous health problems and we’ve had to be very careful her whole life.

That has meant, especially since covid, finding a balance between protecting her, but making sure her siblings don’t live too limited a life. It’s not an easy balance and not one we always get 100% right.

Our policy with other people has always been - please give us a heads up if we’re due to spend time with you and we’ll risk assess it. We never expect other people to cancel their attendance at parties etc, if we don’t feel it’s safe enough for her then we miss out. All we ask is that we’re given the info.

People around us are generally really good. It’s been a bit problematic since the mindset of covid being over has come in, but generally we’ve muddled through ok.

Earlier in the summer one of my other kids, who is 8, was invited to a sleepover for a birthday - just her and the birthday kid. The parent of the birthday kid knows us very well and said there was no coughs, colds or anything in their home the afternoon I dropped DD3 off. Everything seemed fine and dandy.

A few days after the party I got a message saying that the birthday child had chicken pox. Sure as fate DD3 had caught them. DD4 then caught them and it was a horrid time as she ended up spending 6 days in hospital seriously ill.

To me it was one of those things and couldn’t be helped.

Except now it turns out that the birthday child was known to have CP before the party. The birthday mum told another mum because she felt guilty and that mum told her to tell us or she would.

Birthday child felt well with the CP and apparently “really really really wanted DD4 as their sleepover guest” so the parents decided to just not say anything because it “could” have happened that they didn’t know so we had decided to take that risk.

They’ve been apologetic, as in the Dad apologised very briefly, but they seem fixed on “but, if we hadn’t known them you wouldn’t have known” and that, to them, seems to make it ok. Whereas to me it really doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t want anything to do with them again. I don’t trust them and I’m furious that they’d take that risk with someone else’s child, especially in our situation.

and they don’t seem to grasp that even before I had my youngest I’d have been pissed off if someone deliberately hid that because who exposes another child to CP deliberately without their parents ok? What if the Mum was pregnant?

My AIBU is this - the kids met at an activity. During the holidays when it’s off we usually try and organise a few play dates so they don’t lose touch. It’s always them/their DD that asks. Mine is happy to meet up, but has never asked. This summer I’m thinking just not agreeing to any of the meet ups.

If my DD asks id need to re-assess, but I don’t think she will. Id rather just let the friendship fizzle to a weekly thing at their activity as that way it limits contact with the parents.

Wow, @JustLyra those parents were horrendously selfish and I admire your restraint in how you're managing the situation. You're definitely NOT unreasonable at all - what they did would have been a crappy thing for them to do if all your children were entirely healthy; it's unforgivable for them to have done it knowing that they were jeopardising the health of a clinically vulnerable child.

@Eek3under3 I am sorry to hear of your loss.

No offence, but me, the parents involved and my DDs medical team are all confident it came from the sleepover.

No idea how it “sounds to you” that it was already incubating when you know nothing about my DD other than she hadn’t been in contact with the child for over a week.

Ive no need to be educated on chicken pox. Funnily enough having gone through what we did, and previous scares, I know how it works

That’s awful and so selfish of them!
I can’t believe there’s people like this, when it would surely be so easy to rearrange or ask someone else and be honest about it.
I think yanbu and I don’t blame you for wanting to cut off and avoid them
they have no respect or care for your situation and dd and not worth the friendship for that reason.

@MamanDeChoix just to correct you it's an incubation period of up to 21 days. Spots can form 1-3 weeks after exposure.

Honestly why are some posters grasping at straws to vindicate a couple who by their own admission knowingly exposed OPs family to CP knowing full well what the repercussions could be.

YANBU. This thread also makes me think of this book, which I read recently. Very similar plot!

The Herd

I entirely undertand, would be also extremelly upset. The only reason I would be persuaded to keep any contact is if the friendship was very important for DD3 Hope your DD4 is now ok.

I’d be absolutely furious. My eldest brought it home from school, he’s 6 and when our middle and youngest got it he felt awful for passing it on to them as middle was really poorly with it (not as bad as your DD) despite me telling him it wasn’t his fault. My 6yo had more humility over spreading it than these grown adults. Absolutely not unreasonable to have nothing to do with them.

This.

OP like you I have a medically vulnerable child. She is doing exams and I had to come off a year group thread because some posters just don’t understand what a virus could do (fair enough) but when I explained how it could affect her, said they sympathised and then argued we should all just get on with life. How I wish we could.

My Dd wrote to her MP about the fact the official guidance was for exam candidates to not test for covid unless you had a temperature and after a doctor had authorised it. If a doctor told a pupil to test and they tested positive they could go back to exams after 3 days (even if still testing positive). So the risk for Dd was very high in school which is an added stress when doing exams. There were several students (chemo etc) in her position. Too many I expect for everyone to have separate rooms and separate invigilators. She asked why courts had found the government unlawful to send untested old people back to care homes without isolation, yet it was ok for knowingly covid-positive pupils to sit exams next to medically vulnerable pupils, following the official guidance. Her MP sent it to the Department of Health. They never replied.

I know you are talking about the chickenpox virus (which I know kills more children than mumps or measles in this country as we nearly lost Dd who was hospitalised and then needed treatment for CP complications for 6 weeks). But the government (lack of ethical) response to the covid virus and medically vulnerable pupils seems to be very much like these parents.

It is so wearing trying to risk assess and second-guess constantly. So I completely understand your relief at not having to speak to the father again. It’s not worth wasting your energy.

And if the parent who is helping you is still reading, thank you for emphasising with the OPs situation. It makes a big difference.

More a sign of your not bothering to read any of the OPs posts...

Chickenpox. Tell people if anyone has it. End of story. Just ignore them and avoid them until FOREVER.

@Weepah because apparently I'm incapable of posting properly! 😂

When I read the OP I remembered I’ve recently read a book which mirrors this situation.
@JustLyra if you can, read The Herd by Emily Edwards, very similar ( fictional) story.

You don’t need the stress. Avoid them.

OP, you are of course not even in the tiniest way unreasonable! The other parents stink. I hope your daughter is feeling well now

I would hope that if mum won't face you, the situation will be out of your hands anyway as I can't imagine she'll be in a rush to organise any meet ups, which would take the pressure off for you if you don't arrange anything either. I rrally hope the solution of someone doing the pick ups for you helps make the situation easier for you. It sounds like you have dealt with it in the best way possible, I'm not sure I'd have been so measured in my response.

You are not being unreasonable. I'm in a similar position with my youngest have 2 forms of juvenile arthritis. I have to inject him with immune suppressants and he also has no immunity to chicken pox . If he contracts it then its 3 weeks in hospital on a drip. I'm lucky his school and family and friends are on top of it, but too many people don't understand how serious chicken pox can be for children with compromised immune systems.
The friends parents have shown they can't be trusted, it would be over for me.
I'm sorry your daughter and family went through thst. Sending best wishes

In the absence of a CEV child it is utterly irresponsible for parents to knowingly expose other children to chicken pox without warning their parents in advance so they can make an appropriate judgement. In the presence of a CEV child it is criminally irresponsible.

I am not saying at all the OP questioned the consensus on the efficacy of the vaccine, but another poster did and I think this the kind of fuzzy thinking on the CP vaccine that keeps it circulating in the UK and endangering vulnerable people like OP's child.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. You have obviously thought it through and said you would reconsider if your DD3 did miss her friend.
It must be incredibly hard to juggle everyone’s quality of life with your DD’s safety and you can only do that if people are honest. I hope she’s feeling better now.
I know how hard it can be caring for DC with complex needs and salute you. ❤️

Seems like it really is time to add CP to the childhood vax list. If most kids were vaccinated it wd run riot far less than it currently does. When my youngest had it, it screwed the whole school’s attendance stats up for the year as SO MANY kids were off.
As you say, a key point of vaccination is to protect people who can’t be vaccinated/for whom it doesn’t work…
YA in absolutely No possible way BU

YANBU in the slightest. Like others have said, had your child not been vulnerable it still would have neglectful to not postpone the sleepover as soon as they knew it was chickenpox. Or at the very least give you a heads up (I know you’re not supposed to be able to get it twice but mine did, and some people still believe in CP parties 🙄). But knowing your family situation it’s really REALLY bad. I would have been absolutely furious if it had been my child. I mean I was furious when my child went to a sleep over and I found out from a 3rs party that the kids had nits. Luckily my children don’t seem to have hair Nits like, and didn’t get it (they have never had it (touch wood)).

dump them unceremoniously and if anyone asks why tell them that that family put your daughter’s life knowingly at risk and you cannot risk it happening again.

I cannot even fathom how they thought that this was acceptable.

Absolutely YANBU! What utter selfish twats, I'd be fucking furious! My 6 year old has c.p right now, on day 5 and he is really poorly with them, to the point I had to call the Dr's yesterday who wanted to see him (we stayed isolated in the car outside the surgery and the Dr came out to us outside at my request). He was umming and erring about whether he might need further medical attention as he is unable to eat and barely drinking, due to them in his mouth and throat but he decided to see how he goes. My son is a typical healthy 6 year old, it's alarming for me to see him like this, so I can only imagine the fear for your DD.

How terrible of them - your poor child - avoid them !