To not forgive this (chicken pox related)

[JustLyra]

My youngest DD is CEV. She has numerous health problems and we’ve had to be very careful her whole life.

That has meant, especially since covid, finding a balance between protecting her, but making sure her siblings don’t live too limited a life. It’s not an easy balance and not one we always get 100% right.

Our policy with other people has always been - please give us a heads up if we’re due to spend time with you and we’ll risk assess it. We never expect other people to cancel their attendance at parties etc, if we don’t feel it’s safe enough for her then we miss out. All we ask is that we’re given the info.

People around us are generally really good. It’s been a bit problematic since the mindset of covid being over has come in, but generally we’ve muddled through ok.

Earlier in the summer one of my other kids, who is 8, was invited to a sleepover for a birthday - just her and the birthday kid. The parent of the birthday kid knows us very well and said there was no coughs, colds or anything in their home the afternoon I dropped DD3 off. Everything seemed fine and dandy.

A few days after the party I got a message saying that the birthday child had chicken pox. Sure as fate DD3 had caught them. DD4 then caught them and it was a horrid time as she ended up spending 6 days in hospital seriously ill.

To me it was one of those things and couldn’t be helped.

Except now it turns out that the birthday child was known to have CP before the party. The birthday mum told another mum because she felt guilty and that mum told her to tell us or she would.

Birthday child felt well with the CP and apparently “really really really wanted DD4 as their sleepover guest” so the parents decided to just not say anything because it “could” have happened that they didn’t know so we had decided to take that risk.

They’ve been apologetic, as in the Dad apologised very briefly, but they seem fixed on “but, if we hadn’t known them you wouldn’t have known” and that, to them, seems to make it ok. Whereas to me it really doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t want anything to do with them again. I don’t trust them and I’m furious that they’d take that risk with someone else’s child, especially in our situation.

and they don’t seem to grasp that even before I had my youngest I’d have been pissed off if someone deliberately hid that because who exposes another child to CP deliberately without their parents ok? What if the Mum was pregnant?

My AIBU is this - the kids met at an activity. During the holidays when it’s off we usually try and organise a few play dates so they don’t lose touch. It’s always them/their DD that asks. Mine is happy to meet up, but has never asked. This summer I’m thinking just not agreeing to any of the meet ups.

If my DD asks id need to re-assess, but I don’t think she will. Id rather just let the friendship fizzle to a weekly thing at their activity as that way it limits contact with the parents.

Get our in the sun and go for a coffee

that is what I’m doing to escape it!

Maybe they were putting their child's emotional needs first and using the balance of logic regarding the fact that your child has already been in contact within the previous 21 days?

CP is not contagious for those 21 days though. It's contagious for just a few days before spots appear and then after they appear.

You're really showing your ignorance on this thread.

I'd be REALLY annoyed if this happened, and I don't even have a medically vulnerable child.

It's so selfish and taking away choice.

That is completely unforgivable op, can't believe they did that :(

Even with no risk I would have told everyone coming to the party because they could be going to an event or holiday or be visiting a vulnerable person or because they wouldn't have been able to take time off work.

I wouldn't have anything to do with them again.

This thread is getting very "cancel the cheque".

Hands up I have not read the full thread but from what I read I admire your restraint. I would find it hard not to go nuclear at the other childs parents. They did know, their arguement that about it would have happened if they did not know is pointless.

I am glad that another poster has offered to do pick ups for you. I would be saying no to anymore invites from them ever. You will never be able to trust them. This is sad for their dd who is not at fault but your priority is your family. Thankfully your dd seems less invested in the friendship.

@MamanDeChoix
Not sure what you’re trying to prove other than the fact you’re just plain rude and an utter dickhead.

’Emotional needs’ of the other child. Pffft, what nonsense. No child is going to be emotionally scarred for life because they had to postpone a birthday party. In fact, one could argue, postponing the party would more likely encourage empathy and thinking about others needs - you know, something that most of us would call ‘basic humanity’. Something you seem lack.

Please tell me that was an attempt at being funny that missed the smiley face?

no sorry just early after a shit night shift.

apologies.

@MamanDeChoix I really hope you are a troll and not a mum. You should be banned for that last comment.

The same poster is currently on another thread saying that men should get to control whether or not women have abortions, and that having an abortion makes you a murderer.

Draw your own conclusions.

Shameful

Are you being serious or is this a poor attempt at trolling to try and get a rise out of the OP?

If you're being serious, even if you can't be bothered to read all posts, if you had bothered to read at least the OP's you'd have seen she has REPEATEDLY confirmed that her kids HAVE been vaccinated.

Honestly sheer number of people on this thread that lack basic comprehension is shocking.

How is transferring comments from other posts not against ts and Cs?

I've not gone against any rules at all. Other than for disagreeing with the mn clique.

And equally fine for other parents to not wish to limit their child's experiences for another child's needs.

Maman do you seriously think it was fine for the other parents to put the OP's child's health / life at risk so that their child did not have to postpone a sleepover?

Unforgivable, drop them like the ton of shit they are. 💐

OP YANBU. I also would not have had the restraint you've shown with the dad and would have told him exactly how wrong he and his family were.

And to all the posters nit picking about whether the chickenpox could have been caught elsewhere. I actually think this is irrelevant. Even if the OPs DD3 had caught it elsewhere this family still knowingly put DD4's life at risk. Even if that risk hadn't come to anything they still did this. And so in the OP's shoes I'd still not want anything to do with them because the trust is gone. That her DD4 nearly died would just make me even more angry

The child never had to postpone a sleepover anyway- just the OP should have been told so she could make a decision if her child attended the sleepover.

YANBU. Not even a tiny microscopic particle of unreasonableness here. Those parents made an active decision to play Russian Roulette with your child's life/health. All the back pedalling and what-ifs in the world won't excuse what they did. Absolute idiots. They are a bit like the parents who feel aggrieved at not being able to send their child to school with a granola bar because another child has a life threatening peanut allergy. Their child's potential upset trumps the health of another child.

The most you can hope for is that those parents will think twice before they do something like that again. I suppose at least they have the 'decency' to be uncomfortable and embarrassed. But still. Your poor DD.

Yes it does. It can make Mum very ill, and depending on the timing, baby can have congenital/ foetal or neonatal varicella, which can have lifelong effects or be fatal.

I am so sorry to hear that these other parents did this. It’s morally reprehensible, even if your other child hadn’t been CEV. Like you I certainly wouldn’t be having them as a part of my family’s life going forward. It’s bad enough they knowingly exposed your child knowing a sibling was at extra risk but to then try and justify it is disgusting. I really can’t understand the people on here trying to justify the other family’s actions. Even if your children hadn’t been vaccinated against chicken pox (I know they are), the other family still shouldn’t have taken the choice out of your hands. Wishing you and your family well.

Aside from your multiple deletions and showing yourself to be an arse which should be part of T&Cs yep you're totally posting within the rules and good faith @MamanDeChoix

The child never had to postpone a sleepover anyway- just the OP should have been told so she could make a decision if her child attended the sleepover.

The child was keen for OP's DD to attend, so had the parents been honest, OP's DD would not have attended - which they knew, or why not be honest - and the sleepover would have had to be postponed. The worst outcome for the host was postponing the sleepover or going ahead without OP's DD. Compare that to the worst outcome for OP's family, and yet the PP apparently thinks it's "fine" to prioritise the sleepover child's feelings.

(Is the point I was making.)

@JustLyra
I completely get where you are coming from I'm the one that's CEV and I have no immunity to CP both my kids are immunised as I can't be (I can't have live vaccines) and I am always ultra cautious
But their are still so many people who despite being asked very politely really just don't get it.
I'm related to a covid denying anti vaxxer which doesn't help.

No no, I was broadly agreeing with you! Just adding my two cents. The parents could have told the child she could have her birthday sleepover and OPs DD another time though. Which would have been sensible of them rather than the anxious biting of fingers about the fear of disappointing their precious birthday DD (momentarily).

This is making me see red for you, OP.

The “what if we hadn’t known” argument is SO disingenuous. That man needs to be told “Your level of knowledge isn’t the issue here, it’s your decision-making. You deliberately made a decision that you knew could have severe consequences for our family, it was a risk you thought was acceptable but you made that decision knowing we would never take it. DD4 could have died, not from what you knew but what you chose to do about it. That is unforgivable and you need to own that.”

If they hadn’t known, they might not have made a shitty decision. But they had, and they did, and the fact of that shitty decision has consequences for all of you.

To say “if we didn’t know…” is just to handwave away their jaw-droppingly horrific behavior that almost killed your child. Your DD4 has ended up in hospital plenty of times from stuff you couldn’t have known about, and you are worried, frustrated but not angry over that. It’s the behavior and the shitty decision that you are angry about, and that was entirely their choice.

I think you are being reasonable to be furious, as it seems the parent concerned was aware your child is clinically vulnerable so they really
ought to have told you about the CP risk.
But your question was around forgiveness. It’s up to you to decide whether to forgive them or not.
The question I would be asking is why aren’t all the kids vaccinated? You haven’t said HOW your child is clinically vulnerable so I do understand that if they have a suppressed immune system you wouldn’t want to give them a lice vaccine (as chicken pox vaccine is a live strain vaccine).
When my kids were young (90’s) the vaccine wasn’t available and chicken pox did spread, nobody blamed other parents, but saying that, parents would always tell other parents if their child had Cp or was suspected of being about to (long incubation period means they’re infectious even before the spots appear).
This parent you mention needs to learn how to say “no” to their child and to explain their decision. I assume the child whose party it was is also the same age so that’s old enough to say “no, x can’t come to the party because they could get really sick”. Sadly this inability to say “no”
to a child and explain why seems to be common among a certain demographic.
in short, they should have told you. Had your child become seriously ill you could have perused the matter legally (if there was any proof they knew about the chicken pox and it’s not just hearsay, as you haven’t made it clear how you know the parent was aware)
My verdict: Move on, and don’t hold on to this resentment, don’t bad mouth the parents of your child’s friends in front of them as it will affect their friendship. You don’t have to be friends with the parents of your kid’s mates. I’ve known people in the past whose kids only had friends who were offspring of their own friends, the children had no social life outside this “arena”, and all the in-fighting and two faced gossip had a detrimental effect on the kids.
I hope your kid is ok and I hope you can just draw a line under this and enjoy the summer xx