Stepchild

[Rowe12]

Me and husband have been married for 5 years together 6, have 2 children together, he has an older child full custody 11. We’ve become distant due to his child, his child hates me and my other older children from previous relationship, from the start his child was very violent like when they were all playing he would lose his temper if the game want going in his favour and hit mine and even bit my daughter, recently I cracked down on the amount of sweet intake crips etc as they became very greedy and rather then eat as much fruit as they like. He told his mum January I only let him eat jam sandwiches and how his dad hits him, social services closed the case after talking to him because he said it’s because I don’t allow him to help himself to the sweets and crisps

also things started to go missing of mine and my older sons clothes, make up toys and I caught him trying to put mine and my sons clothes in the black bag in the bin and my make up in his school bag when checking for letters. I asked him about it and he had a massive outburst threw dinner all over the floor screaming shouting at me saying he hates me and my kids (not the first time) he gets quite scary. Mother’s Day came and my children brought me some chocolates box and a big bar and he sneaked into our room and ate the lot and his reason was because he hasn’t got a mum why should they this comment has really scared me. ( his mum bothers sometimes but can go months without seeing him)

he moved in with his grandparents, my husband wants him to come round every other weekend but he works 6 days a week and can’t change that as that’s his work and it requires him to be on site, I told my husband I feel very very uncomfortable around him because of his anger towards me and they lies his told and the fact he scares me and I don’t want him to hurt mine and my husbands kids as they’re baby’s, his never interacted with them and my youngest his never met. After us being abused by him I just don’t think I can face him he don’t want us around him anyway his said that. I’ve told my husband to go round or see him alone with out us but he won’t.

I think the boy needs time alone with his dad, you are right on the button about that. It is awful to think that his dad hasn't considered that the other children have access to their dad every day and the eldest has one day per week where he is to share his father with his half siblings and step mama.

I haven't addressed moving the boy to reside at grandparents, I don't know what to say about that, tbh.

Poor child. Is he receiving therapy and support from professionals? He's 11 years old, and he sounds like he's already had a lot to cope with in his short life. I don't doubt you're uncomfortable around him, but his dad needs to prioritise getting him help, and maintaining meaningful contact with him. I can't quite make out what contact, if any, his father is currently having with him? How long has he been living with his grandparents?

You don’t have to face him. In the kindest way possible he is not your problem.

He doesn’t have a mum, I’d have thought that was more reason to want a great relationship with his father. Instead he seems to be trying to drive a wedge between him and his dad.

let him have contact with his dad at a time that suits you and your husband. Don’t run around to pander to him. I know he’s only a child, but he’s old enough to understand that he needs to behave, and from what you described he’s not behaving.

I hope he starts to feel more settled, secure and loved at his grandparents.

Has he got any access to a school guidance counsellor? He sounds desperately unhappy and in need of some help.

I hope I don’t sound harsh, my words might come across wrong, but I only want what’s best for all of you. You must protect and nurture your little ones.

I'm a single mum and this post is a good example of why I will never consider blending my family. Your stepson is 11 years old and you're acting like he's a criminal. It sounds like he has sporadic contact at best with his mum and lived with just his dad before he met his new wife. Then dad met new wife and moved her in with her children and they had more children together. So 2 adults and at least 4 children under one roof. I wonder how the children were told this or even if they were given any choice whatsoever or even if they get on well together? I wonder how the situation was dealt with at the time because the actions of your stepson are not of a child well adjusted to a blended family. It sounds like he has been through significant trauma.

I don't think you should be expected to look after him whilst your husband is not there but I think your husband needs to look at possibly changing his job so he can be home at least 2 days a week and prioritise the needs of his older son a bit, particularly getting him professional help, and eventually work together in getting him living at home again.

His mum didn't want to bother, his dad isn't bothering - he's been bundled off to his grandparents, and he's not even met your youngest. It's very clear he's not welcome in your new family isn't it?
He's 11, he's not some thug, he is your husbands son. He should have always, always come before you.
Your DH needs to step up and be a father.
Absolutely disgraceful on his part. Working 6 days a week is not an excuse to abandon your child.

Poor boy, he's been failed by all the adults in his life.
He's been palmed off to his grandparents, his mum doesn't want him, he dad clearly prioritizes you and your dc. Really no wonder he doesn't like you.
Honestly I have no advice but at the very least you should get him some therapy, he's really going to need it.

I'm a bit baffled as to why you would marry a man whose child acted this way towards you and your children, and who doesn't even sound like a particularly decent guy if he works 6 days and is expecting you to look after this boy on top of the kids you share EOW. I feel for you, it sounds awful.

I wouldn't look agree to have him at all when his dad wasn't there. I'd be walking away from the relationship in general tbh.

This poor boy is crying out for attention and security. Yes, 11 year olds know right from wrong, but they don't understand all the emotions they are feeling.

His Dad urgently needs to give him some one on one time and look at ways to make him feel part of the family again.

How long ago did he move out? Why does he so rarely see his mother?

You can’t be expected to look after him when your husband isn’t there. That’s a daft suggestion and none of you would benefit. He hates you and your kids, as if he wants to be in your home without his dad there. And you have the right to keep yourself and your children safe.

Your husband is his only involved parent and he needs to manage what all of kids need. He can’t do that working 6 days a week. And that’s his problem. Your shared kids can’t be seeing much of their dad either.

Poor kid - failed by every adult in his life.

I can only hope his grandparents are nicer to him.

Poor kid. Seems like no one (except his Grandparents) want him :(

I understand how you are feeling @Rowe12 and you have a right to feel like this. It is scary.

however I do think some posters here have spoken some sense, not the judgy “oh but I would never blend”@ bs - life doesn’t always work out like that and tbh, modelling healthy relationships is better for our kids than martyrdom…

i digress. You dh is letting his son down. Nobody can do anything about what his mum does or doesn’t do, but his dad can - and must - step up.

all the adults in his life have rejected him. As terrifying as it is, he’s acting out at this rejection, he’s angry and hurt.

your h needs to drop everything else and focus on this young man before something goes seriously wrong in his life.

6 days a week isn’t working for his family, he needs to get work to make an emergency adjustment on a temporary basis so that he can spend proper time with his son

yea it means he takes a back seat with your unit, but this is important and you’ll benefit from it getting sorted out too.

you can’t fix this, you didn’t break it. Neither did this young man.

Poor poor boy. He needs alot of therapy.

not saying he’s easy to deal with, but all the examples are him screaming out for help.

What a mess. He needs time with his dad, not you.

You shouldn’t have to feel scared for yourself or own children in your own home whether due to a child or an adult.
Just because they’re 11 doesn’t mean harm can’t be done.
His dad and his side of the family need to step up and get him the help he needs before considering him coming into your home.
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it.

I forgot to add live with us for 5 years and I got him counselling in school and out of school and even tried the doctors I tried everywhere including family counselling, they told me there’s nothing wrong and he says his happy. But then says different as soon as it ends as it’s only 6 weeks worth outside counselling he refused to engage with and family counselling. He said his grandparents wanted him to live with them and they kept telling him that they don’t get to see him much as they now live out of town. And no I haven’t treated him like a criminal I’ve literally tried everything and still am! My children know and him none of them have or ever will be treated different. They all have the same house rules and routine same money spent on them at Xmas and birthdays the works. I’ve never once treated him any different but from day dot he just refuses to get engaged in family games, outings.

Poor lad, no bloody wonder he's acting up.

Oh god this poor little boy that’s so sad. Your DH sounds like an utterly shitty father but you can’t change that I’d imagine. No idea what to suggest I just hope someone gives a fuck about this child as his parents clearly don’t.

What is the issue with his mother?

He needs 1:1 time with his dad. Not staying at yours. You're perfectly right in this situation.

He's obviously got neglect issues and your DH needs to work at this before even considering you and your children rebuilding relationship with him.

It’s work for 6 months of the year unfortunately we can’t change that and all need to provide for the children even his son needs stuff can’t cut hours to not pay for him and his mum has issues mental health, drugs problem, I was hoping to get additional advice on this it’s been 4 weeks since his gone to live there for a break for his benefit. I am scared as he does get violent and screams and shout and throws stuff around but I was trying to get advice to fix it all and to show husband just because his seeing his son alone don’t mean his abandoning us. I don’t think we should be there for a while, not get more rubbish and abuse I’ve had this for 4 years and his become more angry and unpredictable.

Oh and husbands family won’t help we’ve asked and met up with out the kids and they just say his better off there as there’s less noise and no screaming baby

So your DH feels that by seeing him separately, he is abandoning you and your joint kids, is that correct?

Your husband could get a job with regular hours to help you provide for the children financially because, at the moment, his son needs to be a priority and his son needs parenting. But obviously it's much easier for you both to wash your hands of him and let his grandparents cope.