Stepchild

[Rowe12]

Me and husband have been married for 5 years together 6, have 2 children together, he has an older child full custody 11. We’ve become distant due to his child, his child hates me and my other older children from previous relationship, from the start his child was very violent like when they were all playing he would lose his temper if the game want going in his favour and hit mine and even bit my daughter, recently I cracked down on the amount of sweet intake crips etc as they became very greedy and rather then eat as much fruit as they like. He told his mum January I only let him eat jam sandwiches and how his dad hits him, social services closed the case after talking to him because he said it’s because I don’t allow him to help himself to the sweets and crisps

also things started to go missing of mine and my older sons clothes, make up toys and I caught him trying to put mine and my sons clothes in the black bag in the bin and my make up in his school bag when checking for letters. I asked him about it and he had a massive outburst threw dinner all over the floor screaming shouting at me saying he hates me and my kids (not the first time) he gets quite scary. Mother’s Day came and my children brought me some chocolates box and a big bar and he sneaked into our room and ate the lot and his reason was because he hasn’t got a mum why should they this comment has really scared me. ( his mum bothers sometimes but can go months without seeing him)

he moved in with his grandparents, my husband wants him to come round every other weekend but he works 6 days a week and can’t change that as that’s his work and it requires him to be on site, I told my husband I feel very very uncomfortable around him because of his anger towards me and they lies his told and the fact he scares me and I don’t want him to hurt mine and my husbands kids as they’re baby’s, his never interacted with them and my youngest his never met. After us being abused by him I just don’t think I can face him he don’t want us around him anyway his said that. I’ve told my husband to go round or see him alone with out us but he won’t.

Would you and your husband consider family therapy? It may help to get insight into the way things are going

We’ve done this he told them and us his happy and there’s nothing to worry about and that it’s me worried about nothing when they tried to explore the patterns of behaviours with him like they did with all of us he had a massive melt down and then refused to engage for over a month until the counsellor ended it. Everyone saying about getting a regular job it’s all well and good but 30 years experience and trained in that specific job isn’t going to help us. Unfortunately we can’t just sit on our back sides or have a limited job as I’ve said it was temporary for 6 months he only started this week he went for a break at his nans, my husband videos him every night talks to him every morning and keeps asking if he could pick him up go for something to eat and he just says no not until he leaves me and he moves back in with his parents too.

This.

Why would you bring this drama into your older childrens lives?

Then to go and have children with this man?

Your poor children.

He bit your daughter and you thought it was a good idea to have children with his father?

Unbelievable.

Protect your children for goodness sake.

They deserve better than this.

You have got such a lot on your plate, if he's been gone 4 weeks and not seen the baby yet...

What would you like to happen?

I had already had our child 5 years ago I fell pregnant pretty quickly 8 months into our relationship, I thought he just had a unsettled way of live and he at 5 years old would just need love and attention and a family life, you don’t just look at a kid and think that’s a wrongen and dismiss him. He bit my daughter in February he was 11 when he done that

Everything you e said he does is designed to split you and his dad up.
He just wants it to be him and his dad, and after that kind of a start to life - who wouldn't?

How does he behave with gp's or at school?

This shit again! The child lives with her, of course its her problem. OP chose to marry a man who already had a child and is involved whether she likes it or not.

I’ve told my husband to go round or see him alone with out us but he won’t.

Why not? Is he scared of him too?

Poor kid is crying out some one-on-one contact with someone who cares about him.

He really needs some professional support. And that's for your DH to sort out. Not you.

Just to try fix it all make him part of the family properly and to see him happy and not so angry and violent I’m worried he will not have a good future like this his grandparents think this is normal behaviour and he’ll grow out of it and he should just live with them, but I think every child needs his/her parents and he shouldn’t get pushed out like this, his texted his mum and said about him taking him out one day at the weekend and swap with another bloke but she said he was out and he said what about next weekend and her reply way his staying at his sisters with his cousins. Something hasn’t and don’t feel right to me and I just don’t know how to help my husband get a better father son relationship

Not so much of his out bursts it’s what his said previously to his mum about his hitting him etc he was so scared that he would never see his kids again and it wasn’t until a month later a social worker spoke to him he admitted he made it up so his Nan would get him a new tv a smart one

You and his father got married after a year of being together! It’s not long enough for a young child to adjust, honestly what did you expect from him?

Normal tells them his not worried or scared or unhappy. It’s only when his at home or with his man he does and says things completely out of character for his age, I’ve been married before and have had step children we still get on now. I just don’t get where I’ve gone wrong

weve known each other a lot longer and lived in the same street for 15 years we all used to be friends before a relationship

Is anyone making choices based on DS's needs? His mum isn't, his dad isn't. Maybe the GPs?

He's 11. If your DH doesn't make different choices now, he will have the same life as his mother. There are lots of reasons everyone can't do things. But everyone made choices, including bringing more children into this, and so hard choices to fix it are needed.

OP, I'm not having a go, honestly but you may have all been friends beforehand and got on fine but that's a massive difference to you then being dad's girlfriend and then quickly wife who now lives with him and his Dad.

That happened at a young age, he's got useless parents and not had an easy start to life.

Your husband really needs to grow up sharpish, start putting his eldest first and then you can all work on becoming a family once the poor child is more settled with his relationship with his Dad. It's ridiculous your husband won't go and see him on his own.

His had one on one counselling at school and we’ve paid private for counselling and family therapy we cant cut down working hours yet as we borrowed the money to pay for this at 60 pound an hour. We’ve tried gp he referred to CMHS and they said his assessment was undertaken and his is perfectly fine and happy according to their meeting with him but at home and at his nans his different. His like 2 different people one to professionals and one to us.

There’s a load of kids dragged in to this farce, 2 with your husband, you have at least two from a previous bloke, and this traumatised boy too.

Your husband needs to take steps to give his kids a childhood they don’t need to recover from. This boys life has been brutal due to all the adults failing him spectacularly. The father does not get to piss off most of the time and palm his kid off on to his current wife, or parents, he needs to step up, this is on him. Entirely.

How many children are there and what ages are they?

Oh god, poor kid. What a shitty start to his short life he has had.

I know you have said therapy hasn't worked, but he needs it desperately. his dad needs to find a way to facilitate this happening.

YABU. his father has to do far more to help him. He sounds like a very angry and unhappy boy who is not getting enough attention and is not getting his needs met.

Did it not occur to both of you that Mothers Day would be very hard for him? You and his father do not seem to be showing him much sensitivity at all.

Have you had a baby in the last 4 weeks as he hasn't met the baby and lived with you till then? Or have I misunderstood?

And since your DH has full custody, this boy is your responsibility as well.

It’s because of the accusations he made, he told social services it’s because we wouldn’t let him eat the sweets and crips and to help himself in the cupboard to it, I won’t even let my 18 year old help himself and that he wants to live with his grandparents as he can have hot sausage rolls for breakfast and his Nan buys fizzy (I don’t buy it) and he gets to eat what he wants for dinner and gets better trainers (100 pound nikes) I just think what’s the point in buying high end stuff when they grow in a couple of months, in the past couple of weeks alone we’ve tried sitting down with his family and explaining we need to fix this and for him to have a good bond with his siblings (my children excluded they’re a lot older youngest 18) they just say leave it his happier here and I’ve shown husband some of the responses of building on his own like I said in my first post and to keep trying despite the accusations he needs to ride through it but his man is making excuses of why he can’t take him out, social services said he wants to stay with his nan as he prefers to be alone

That’s right 3 1/2 weeks ago and a 5 year old

There’s a 19 year old at uni now, 18 year old, 5 and 3 1/2 weeks