Stepchild

[Rowe12]

Me and husband have been married for 5 years together 6, have 2 children together, he has an older child full custody 11. We’ve become distant due to his child, his child hates me and my other older children from previous relationship, from the start his child was very violent like when they were all playing he would lose his temper if the game want going in his favour and hit mine and even bit my daughter, recently I cracked down on the amount of sweet intake crips etc as they became very greedy and rather then eat as much fruit as they like. He told his mum January I only let him eat jam sandwiches and how his dad hits him, social services closed the case after talking to him because he said it’s because I don’t allow him to help himself to the sweets and crisps

also things started to go missing of mine and my older sons clothes, make up toys and I caught him trying to put mine and my sons clothes in the black bag in the bin and my make up in his school bag when checking for letters. I asked him about it and he had a massive outburst threw dinner all over the floor screaming shouting at me saying he hates me and my kids (not the first time) he gets quite scary. Mother’s Day came and my children brought me some chocolates box and a big bar and he sneaked into our room and ate the lot and his reason was because he hasn’t got a mum why should they this comment has really scared me. ( his mum bothers sometimes but can go months without seeing him)

he moved in with his grandparents, my husband wants him to come round every other weekend but he works 6 days a week and can’t change that as that’s his work and it requires him to be on site, I told my husband I feel very very uncomfortable around him because of his anger towards me and they lies his told and the fact he scares me and I don’t want him to hurt mine and my husbands kids as they’re baby’s, his never interacted with them and my youngest his never met. After us being abused by him I just don’t think I can face him he don’t want us around him anyway his said that. I’ve told my husband to go round or see him alone with out us but he won’t.

We love him, I couldn’t bring myself to accept this, his really like one of my own we had the best relationship at one point he used to tell me everything even my husband was jealous he has only started to work this many days and hours because of the debt we got into trying to get help and paying the grandparents maintenance for them to make sure his fed enough as they have always complained they’re poor, they’ve never accepted our younger children and if anything I should be angry at them like Xmas he got so many presents and designer clothes and my 5 year old just got a pack of cars and they say they can’t baby’s sit etc and have never met my youngest. I can’t help feel this is down to them with his child

Tell your DH that he needs to take his son to the GP and get a referral to CAMHs for therapy. He has been treated as an afterthought and inconvenience all his young life. He doesn't have a mother and has been palmed off on his grandparents it's very likely he has attachment and mental health difficulties as he has had trauma. I wish people would think of existing children before they make more.

Is this for real?!! Of course they need maintenance money they are bringing him up. I would be livid if a child of mine dumped a DGC on me then expected me to buy stuff for the other DGC. They are already bringing up their sons child maybe they feel knackered and can't provide more childcare to the other kids.

We already made more before this behaviour went from a childish tantrum to violence and smashing a house and screaming in my face to scare me, we’ve done CHMS as I’ve said previously they assessed him and was told his fine and says his happy at home here etc which is not the case but because he didn’t meet the needs assessment wise they would help

I’m saying because they need maintenance this is why his working so much he can’t quite his job how will he pay them?? It’s recent him living there 4 weeks ago, they’ve never once bothered in 5 years with my other son not even said hello to him walk past him in the street

Agree
sounds like this child is exhibiting signs of poor attachments and trauma
very sad

what were you hoping for here OP ??
permission to check out of this child’s existence??

He's obviously not coping with your blended family and another new sibling. It's up to your DH to repair his relationship with his son , your DSS will get full undivided attention at his grandparents house he won't get that at your house , that might be what he wants. I think just your DH should visit for a while.

Maybe they feel your DSS has been let down and left out. It's not fair to have favourites but it's understandable they might feel more protective if they feel DSS has no one looking out for his interests. Sounds like you could all do with family therapy

Sorry my son not other son, I didn’t mean to refer to husband child as my son. I know his not bio mine we never DUMPED him it’s a disgusting comment and others have said he needs to quit his job or down his hours he can’t if his paying money to keep this home and his son. So yes is for real. We’re stuck and after help

But he's not 'keeping his son'; he's palmed him off on his grandparents.

Is he working such long hours just to avoid dealing with all of this?

He needs to take time off work and sort his son out.

Poor kid.

Do you work?

Yes I work too, He can’t we have to give his parents money he wasn’t always working this much it’s only since we’ve had to pay grandparents Maintenance his had to up his hours, he has no more holiday left he took it to try sort it all out with his family and son but we’re just hitting a brick wall

Your DH job isn't sustainable. He can't continue to work such hours if he wants to help his DS.

OP how financially well off would the grandparents be if your husbands son wasn't there? Could they be doing this for the money? I could be well off but that was my first thought putting a few of your posts together such as you were fine until he stayed with them over Christmas, they have been saying other things etc.

I don't think the majority of posters are blaming you but everyone is saying that your husband really needs to start putting his son first.

Could he go and visit him and make sure his parents are present so that there can be no accusations?

It does feel like it’s a really shitty circle of events because he’s working to pay for this child and if he didn’t have to work so much he’d have the time to invest to bring him back into the fold so to speak.

It's up to your DH not you to fix this not you a few nights a week he should go over and visit just him after work. He probably won't want to come home as he's going to have to share the adults time attention and money.

They’re not well off they sit home and claim money from universal credit, I know she complained a lot to HB she’s always skint and can’t afford this and that we even had to buy her an Xmas tree before his child stayed there

his tried that he even surprised visited them on Sunday Father’s Day but he said no one answer the door so couldn’t see him or give his dad a card. I personally do think this is something to do with them she called my husband to say I was in a black car with another man in her town while I was at hospital with my husband.

I know his kid has had his issues with my old children but i had my family and children including him as my child and everything was good until December husband was home every weekend but now I have a split family and my husband is having to always be at work. I just have this huge doubt about things

Hb has contacted beacon house so we’re going to start there.

OP, there have been some very unkind posts here but that happens a lot. Some posters just hate step mothers and love putting the boot in.

Don't take it to heart. You have done far more than many would and it is not your fault. Now is the time to protect yourself and your other children. Do NOT have the boy in your home unless his father is there. He has already been violent and he is very angry.

You have to keep yourself and the other children safe.

I agree with those saying that the grandparents seem to have caused a lot of the problems for reasons of their own. Be very wary of them.

Thank you @PurpleWisteria I’ve felt even more useless as a wife and mother today, I know my HB feels let down at his suggestion but I do need to keep everyone here safe too I wouldn’t care if I didn’t have these 2 baby’s, the other 2 older ones hardly here and one not here at all and I do miss the company when the baby’s go to bed when it was just us chatting away but I know his not who he used to be, I have been mindful of them for years, they’ll talk to me but not their own grandchildren I just can’t understand or get my head around it. I know last week she was texting the child’s mum some vile things about me and HB and my HB isn’t ready to have a family at 42 years old as she forwarded me the messages. I can’t put my finger on it all it’s all just odd. My HB never left the house properly until he met me, I know when we was dating she rung him up telling him he needs to come home as she’s locking up at 9pm. I thought it was a joke until all her behaviour recently

This is absolutely disgusting. How anyone can even try to defend their actions is shocking. They walk past their own grandchild in the street? Wow. How can your DH forgive that OP?

The poor boy. Your husband is a shitty father. He needs to pull his finger out.

My husband just let her get on with it he was tired of arguing with her about it and how she shouldn’t be so rude and to acknowledge her other grandchild and she has more then 1 stopped speaking to her for 6 months she called up out of the blue begging to see the kids which clearly she meant his other son, I say she did it, she’ll say she stopped for a 2 hr chat. In the end I stopped telling him things because it was just breaking his heart hearing his other child was being ignored. The only time I told him was Monday when she tried talking about all this in-front of some school mum friends who I haven’t shared things with obviously and I said sorry I can’t talk right now but can we catch up later and she called my husband saying I was shouting at her and no wonder he don’t want to see any of us before hanging the phone up. I literally give up myself I was so shocked.

His behaviour changed in dec when we started letting him spend every other weekend at his nans

What was the reason he started sleeping at his nans every other weekend?

I agree with @WhenISnappedAndFarted in that I think the grandparents are behind this behaviour. I think they see the financial benefit from universal credit/child benefit & of course the maintenance you pay on top of that. After your last post about your H living with them until he met you suggests to me that they want your H back and living under their roof too. This would make sense as to why they don’t acknowledge you or your other children, they just want SS and your H back and seem to have created quiet the nasty toxic situation in order to get their way. I suspect they have been coaching the poor child probably telling him all sorts about you (poor boy won’t even realise this is what’s happening) and quiet likely things about your H too given that he isn’t absent in the direction of SS behaviour.

This is such a terrible thing to be happening to your poor SS because he will have already been suffering abandonment and attachment issues due to his mother, and now the poor thing is I bet doubting everything he ever believed….so yes maybe he didn’t get on with your older children but he did believe that you and his dad loved him….all until the grandparents have started this covert hate campaign against you.

The above is the only reasonable conclusion I can come to given the information you have given. The other possibility is far worse and that is that your SS is possibly suffering abuse at the hands of his grandparents or someone close them. I don’t know, as an outsider I can only speculate, one thing is for sure though and it is that your SS does need help because most certainly there is something going on with him and there absolutely will be a reason why. You need to do your best to find out what that reason is.

I wish you all the very best.

@Rowe12

Dad might not be seeing him for the past month (few weeks he wasn’t allowed bail conditions) but he video calls and calls twice daily and has good chats alone with out us he don’t want to abandon him

Sorry, OP, but just to clarify - do you mean your husband has recently been in prison?