Stepchild

[Rowe12]

Me and husband have been married for 5 years together 6, have 2 children together, he has an older child full custody 11. We’ve become distant due to his child, his child hates me and my other older children from previous relationship, from the start his child was very violent like when they were all playing he would lose his temper if the game want going in his favour and hit mine and even bit my daughter, recently I cracked down on the amount of sweet intake crips etc as they became very greedy and rather then eat as much fruit as they like. He told his mum January I only let him eat jam sandwiches and how his dad hits him, social services closed the case after talking to him because he said it’s because I don’t allow him to help himself to the sweets and crisps

also things started to go missing of mine and my older sons clothes, make up toys and I caught him trying to put mine and my sons clothes in the black bag in the bin and my make up in his school bag when checking for letters. I asked him about it and he had a massive outburst threw dinner all over the floor screaming shouting at me saying he hates me and my kids (not the first time) he gets quite scary. Mother’s Day came and my children brought me some chocolates box and a big bar and he sneaked into our room and ate the lot and his reason was because he hasn’t got a mum why should they this comment has really scared me. ( his mum bothers sometimes but can go months without seeing him)

he moved in with his grandparents, my husband wants him to come round every other weekend but he works 6 days a week and can’t change that as that’s his work and it requires him to be on site, I told my husband I feel very very uncomfortable around him because of his anger towards me and they lies his told and the fact he scares me and I don’t want him to hurt mine and my husbands kids as they’re baby’s, his never interacted with them and my youngest his never met. After us being abused by him I just don’t think I can face him he don’t want us around him anyway his said that. I’ve told my husband to go round or see him alone with out us but he won’t.

My husband wasn’t having contact at the time due to the arguments of them only acknowledging 1 child he see my parents including him in everything including throwing him a birthday party at theirs and she would come round but not even say hello to our other child and used to ignore him and walk past him, it’s my fault they were quite close obviously HB and child used to live there with them. She called up and asked. so I said it’s a a nice idea as he can get spoilt at nanny’s and with Hb sisters cousins and have a little break away from an annoying younger sibling next min all this happens I truly don’t know how we managed to find ourselves here

@AffIt His son accused him of hitting him, grandparents called social services, they called the police, he was arrested, then bailed and the social worker finally spoke to him a few times where he said he made it up because he wanted his man to get him a smart tv, thankfully we had cctv evidence he was at work on the night he claimed it happened, released no charge

You must be exhausted dealing with all of this with a newborn as well.

Perhaps calm is just needed and not pushing and pulling.
He is obviously confused and being manipulated and like it or not you have a lot on your plate.
I would be providing things he needs not wants, not handing over wads of cash that mean love and affection are effectively 'priced up' and letting dad text him to Remind him you are all missing him and thinking of him.
Offering the branch and not throwing a wobbler or ranting at grandparents when you doesn't reciprocate.
Maybe boring and stable is exactly what he needs.
Let him watch from afar calmly and let him integrate at his own pace.

It's a common misconception that trauma is an immediate reaction (i.e. cause / effect with clear correlation). Trauma can fester, for years and only really outwardly manifest when a ''trigger'' unleashes it. There may be subtle signs before, such as the violence & conflict with siblings, but not always. I

This child didn't suddenly wake up and start acting out, this trauma has been held in by the child (very common) until the turning point you reference - at which point it overwhelmed the child to the extent they simply could not function anymore hence the behaviour. Many are suggesting OP's pregnancy, and the arrival of another child was the trigger - perhaps it was, but that's academic at this point. Defining him by his behaviour, or suggesting he likes the grandparents because he gets spoilt there isn't helpful, effort needs to be made to understand what is going on in this child's world and how to help him. Likely the child themselves does not understand what they are feeling or why they are acting this way.

She called up and asked. so I said it’s a a nice idea

So his nan randomly phoned up one day and asked if he wanted to stay there every other weekend?
And you and his dad said yes and thought it was a good idea?

Thats not a normal arrangement to have with just 1 child, especially just as you’re about to have another.

If you think it’s the grandparents who are at fault then his dad needs to put his foot fish and say he’s coming back full time.

Just a bit but I got keep trying everything, something will give a child can’t just magically change his mind about the adults his lived with for 5 years peacefully ish and totally walk away not speak to even his own siblings now. I think the recent comments are true, my suspicion was there anyway just needed help building it make sure I wasn’t just hormonal or going crazy

Right, thanks for clarifying.

But surely (and I apologise in advance, I have no knowledge or experience of the justice or SS system) this sort of thing would have triggered SS alarm bells, at the very least to help you access the help you need?

Did the grandparents speak to DH before calling social services?

I'm pretty sure if it's something totally out of the blue and unexpected my parents would be speaking to me first to see what had happened.

He used to live with grandparents dad too until 5 years ago all his little life that’s all he knew, his child always had a good relationship with them and he loved them dearly so I thought it would benefit him, we can’t just go marching in and take him back believe me we’ve thought about it but it’s not going to benefit this child at all we’ve tried a fair few avenues but now have tried the one and only suggestion made, we’re going to start with beacon house reviews are outstanding we need to help him and for him to see us differently other then the horrible child snatchers taking him away from his grandparents

No we just got a visit from police no contact with anyone before this.

@AffIt I’m not familiar with the way they all work but our concerns were unnoticed and she wasn’t interested in helping all we got is some kids go through this stage but his happy and we now know his not abused and nothing more she can do to help as he doesn’t meet the assessment needs

@CallOnMe I don't think it's unusual given the dad and he lived with them for some of his formative years. They will have an established close relationship I imagine.

And they may resent the OP for their loss of relationship and fed into the boys obvious insecurities.

I don't think it's that odd. If dad was working when child was very small and mother always absent they may well have enabled him to work.

Not that I am making excuses for their behaviour.

I don't think the grandparents are innocent, I think something is going on there.

The boy has been let down by both his Mum and Dad but now is the time for your DH to step up OP.

I hope you manage to get him some help and things improve

I can’t imagine how you’re coping with all of these worries. I hope posting hasn’t made you feel worse and glad the link someone posted was useful. My heart really goes out to you and I hope that one way or another things improve for all of you.

I think he needs professional help, counselling or something. X

@cadburyegg Couldn’t agree more and you sound like a great mum. People always complain when you criticise blended families, but in reality it’s rarely what’s best for the children involved. If it’s carefully planned, it can work out okay but often it isn’t.’

Given that the boy has already experienced so much trauma, I think it was selfish of your husband to shake up his life even more. No one’s thinking about his needs, so of course he’s acting out. I think the only thing you can do is leave his father to deal with the situation since he clearly dislikes you for whatever reason. But you can’t prevent him from coming to the house and being around his siblings unfortunately. Well you could try but I doubt it would end well.

husband has only not had proper face contact for 4 weeks 2 week he wasn’t allowed until investigation was complete and the past 2 weeks his grandparents don’t think it’s a good idea and have made excuses and not answered the door

I’m not preventing him as such, I just don’t think I should be the support in this over the past 6 months his gone from loving us all to hating us so me being in the house or around at contact is the best way forward, I think husband should be doing it alone for a while, my husband thinks we should all be together and showing him we’re all ok and he should see us as a family unit and that his still welcome but this isn’t what his sons expressed and his very unbalanced at the moment.

His grandparents suggested last night he should just continue to live with them and dad should see him at there’s and then progress in a few months to take him out once a week alone for a couple of hours. So I think other then husband fighting a court battle as out of hours social services suggested last night his stuck with their option

Husband has been there with him it’s only since we’ve paid out extra his not been here everything was fine with his son before this we all got on very well other then my older Children which I just thought some children squabble, we sat them all down years ago and have them a choice if they would like to share their life as one family and he loved the idea. 6 years nearly down the line it’s now not working, I’ve done everything for this child down to basic needs to showing him love, my husband was fully involved until the police came 4 weeks ago, the moment he started outbursting to an extreme he was contacting loads of therapists and the gp and in the space of a few weeks we started paying for therapy as free services were not helping and CMHS assessed him and decided he didn’t fit criteria and said he was happy at home.

Discretely film his outbursts to show your GP, professional etc because they may change their minds once they see it. Have you considered [[https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/ PDA or an additional undiagnosed need? I think his behaviour is a combination of rejection, fear & an addional need.

You can request an additional needs assessment yourself via your local authority's website.

www.pdasociety.org.uk/

So much going on here.
you sound like a very decent person op BUT:
I agree 100% with the posters who say blended families often do not work.
Think about it. The younger children children are products of a loving family, 2 natural parents who adore them. Your step son is not. He is the product of a broken home.
Research has shown time and time again that children are must unhappy when they are forced to live in a blended family. Happier when they live with one parent even after a messy break up than living with some randomer.
You can sugar cost it all you like but those are the facts.
As for the husband, well what else can I say. He is a terrible father.
The grandparents sound like they are trying their best.

His grandparents suggested last night he should just continue to live with them and dad should see him at there’s and then progress in a few months to take him out once a week alone for a couple of hours.

I think this is quite a good idea actually.

I’d be slightly concerned it’s isolating him more from his siblings and you but he’s craving love and attention so maybe this is a good place to start.

What time does he finish work?

Seeing him EOW is not enough but seeing him every weekend would mean he doesn’t see his other DCs so I would do EOW and 2 nights a week having dinner with them after work.

Then he could build up to bringing the other children on the weekends and then eventually you too.
In the future the dinner could be at your home and then gradually build up so he’s spending more and more time at home.

If this is going to be a permanent thing I would look into private foster care - I don’t know the ins and outs of it but I know of someone who was fostering a child for a family member who was unable to look after him and they got paid for being a private foster carer.

Op I think you’ve done well in getting help in a short space, I’ve seen parents leave it for years and then have bigger issues, yes your right you need to take a step back and no be the support in this first contact with the young children and you need to protect them from the dangerous outbursts.

i think others are right his grandparents are not helping!

Where’s the encouragement to help you all as one big family?

why do they only support one child and not the other one especially if he is also suffering missing his sibling?

why have they suddenly last night agreed to this but have been out or his unavailable when your DH has ask over the past few weeks?

why didn’t the grandparents during his contact with them delve deeper into these allegations?

why did his parents just contact police and not spoken to dad directly?
why did they think that about their own son doing that to his own child out of the blue after living with them himself for years?

if they’re getting universal credit and child benefit and in my eyes a decent amount of child maintenance asking for 100 per week? That’s ridiculous. I’d be going through CMS and getting a correct calculation.

Yes blended family are hard but can be workable I’m part of one but if he has been fine for 6 whole years and just shuffles in his behaviour suddenly after starting contact something deeper is going on with this child.

YOU AND DAD need to find out why YOU married him and you took on his child and according to you have been more of a mother then his own mother, on that note don’t even get me starting with that so called parent.

your DH works 6 days to pay fair enough but when you start to rebuild he MUST be home.

you both need to work as a team your married and have other children in the mix you need to get to the bottom of this….

you DH first must build a trust then you and then the other children. Don’t give up. Beacon house is the best of the best good luck

to late now your are a family but personally I’d of run for the hills at the start.

His father needs to step up more, and while he may not engage in therapy you would still be advised to push for help. You clearly can’t continue as you are.

I understand your reluctance to stay away. You’re the target of his rage, so your presence at this point is unlikely to be helpful when what he appears to want and need is attention from, and time with, his father. It’s not fair on you, your children, or your stepson, to leave you to it and expect you to manage an extremely difficult situation on your own. Not only that but while he may be a child, 11 year olds can still inflict harm when they lash out physically.

what was a really, really bad idea was choosing to bring more children in. As much as you may have wanted more children, your priority should have been the children that were already here. What’s done is done though.

@whumpthereitis from what I gather from OP everything was fine after she had the other children one being 5 and got on well with his siblings until recently, just not her older 2 from a previous relationship.

They couldn’t of seen the future 5 years down the line to say they shouldn’t have brought more kids into this.

so by OP him and his sibling got along for 5 years no issue but now he won’t even communicate with him. That’s very sad for all involved.

I'm quite shocked at some of these comments I must admit.

I feel for all involved imagine you brother or grandparents now not wanting to even speak to you

his 5 bless him, I know everyone is saying poor step child but this little sibling is going to start the same cycle of feeling of abandonment. Especially if his dad is being arrested of false accusations and he isn’t allowed to see him for weeks.

all I’ve read is you’re a crap step mom and a crap father.

Hardly anyones took a step back and thought oh dads tried all these avenues still speaks to him twice daily despite his accusations and being arrested and not being allowed near his other children for a period of time and still keeps trying to find help and alternative advice.

I can fully understand why his worried to be alone with his son if he had to not have any contact with his children for that time, his anxiety is up it might happen again. But he must get over that.

the step mom and father are torn between his family, their children, their marriage and his step son

OP seams to be asking others for advice on what to do next and I’ve only seen 2 suggestions of other professional help after them trying and failing at what seams 3 different therapy’s, a doctor and a CHMS referral.

and asking if OP wrong for saying this child needs 1:1 with dad and not her in the home with the younger children. Which she’s right this needs to happen trust has to be built back up.