Stepchild

[Rowe12]

Me and husband have been married for 5 years together 6, have 2 children together, he has an older child full custody 11. We’ve become distant due to his child, his child hates me and my other older children from previous relationship, from the start his child was very violent like when they were all playing he would lose his temper if the game want going in his favour and hit mine and even bit my daughter, recently I cracked down on the amount of sweet intake crips etc as they became very greedy and rather then eat as much fruit as they like. He told his mum January I only let him eat jam sandwiches and how his dad hits him, social services closed the case after talking to him because he said it’s because I don’t allow him to help himself to the sweets and crisps

also things started to go missing of mine and my older sons clothes, make up toys and I caught him trying to put mine and my sons clothes in the black bag in the bin and my make up in his school bag when checking for letters. I asked him about it and he had a massive outburst threw dinner all over the floor screaming shouting at me saying he hates me and my kids (not the first time) he gets quite scary. Mother’s Day came and my children brought me some chocolates box and a big bar and he sneaked into our room and ate the lot and his reason was because he hasn’t got a mum why should they this comment has really scared me. ( his mum bothers sometimes but can go months without seeing him)

he moved in with his grandparents, my husband wants him to come round every other weekend but he works 6 days a week and can’t change that as that’s his work and it requires him to be on site, I told my husband I feel very very uncomfortable around him because of his anger towards me and they lies his told and the fact he scares me and I don’t want him to hurt mine and my husbands kids as they’re baby’s, his never interacted with them and my youngest his never met. After us being abused by him I just don’t think I can face him he don’t want us around him anyway his said that. I’ve told my husband to go round or see him alone with out us but he won’t.

Yes own room and yes she’s got 5 others and his only had to start working so much because of the debt we now owe to 2 therapists and having to give his mum Maintenance money. We are struggling to live ourselves right now.

That was gonna be my next question why are you paying the mum maintenance money ?

he needs to get onto the CSM immediately and explain the situation which is documented because of the universal credits claim so that’s good news and that will cease almost immediately they tend to stop the money and then ask questions later.

so if he’s not paying her money he can pay the grandparents the equivalent which should keep them happy for now.
but long-term is this a solution like other grandparents 60 or are they 80 ?

Sorry his paying grandparents (husbands mum) this money there’s no formal CMS arrangement, grandparents are in there 60s

So his behaviour changed in December when you were around 3 months pregnant with another sibling that he has to share his dad with again this is not the grandparents doing this is a broken child feeling and being pushed to the side in his dads life and now new baby is here and he is not, tbh I don't even know at this stage if your relationship is repairable his dad needs to step up bug time and social services can offer him therapy if they believe he will benefit from it

They won’t help, he didn’t know I was pregnant at the point until I knew everything was ok as my parents suffer untold amount of loss so I’ve never shared with the children until I see for my self baby is fine, social services are now not interested in helping since they found out the accusations were untrue they closed the case and moved on as he didn’t display to them or other counselling services the assessment needed of a child. They and everyone else including the school has made us feel it’s all in our head as he never displays this type of behaviour to them and he comes across a very happy child and his not a happy child.

Completely agree which is why I asked OP if they had 'involved' the DSS in the pregancy.

When DH and I had our DC together the DSC were involved and before their birth he spent loads of time just him and them.

They absolutely adore their sibling.

I know you haven't got a time machine, but your DH does need to change jobs.

Personally I would also involve SS, if he doesn't already have a SW.

Full house step mum bingo on the first page! Well done Mumsnet!

So his behaviour changed in December when you were around 3 months pregnant

When did you tell him you were pregnant?
Did his behaviour change around this time?
Did you tell him and the 5 year old at the same time?

It would make sense if this is why he’s acting out so much.

His 11 years old we’ve never pushed him to the side my parents have even babysitter while we went out with him alone it’s not he didn’t get enough attention dad even used to take him fishing for weekends trips. If I really thought it was something to do with siblings then we would of just moved on from each other

on the other hand I don’t think it’s fair for a person not to be allowed to have a child because another child doesn’t want to share some of the time with a parent. He was fine with his other sibling until December too his had to share him for 5 years not any issues.

This behaviour towards us as family is a new thing

for the past 5 years there’s only been the issue of not wanting to engage with my older children and just being violent towards them when he didn’t win the game or score a goal in football. his displayed nothing else until recently

His behaviour changed in dec when we started letting him spend every other weekend at his nans We told him at my 21 week scan in feb and no we didn’t my 5 year old was at my parents, we all went out to dinner and we picked up our 5 year old and we gave him the cannon and said if he wants to know then we do and to let it off he was so happy, it was so strange it was like for a split second he forgot everything and was the old kid we knew but the next day we was all right back to square one

@Rowe12 you are describing a child who is suffering from the effects of trauma. His Mother and father have effectively abandoned him. You see the behaviour, consider it ''abuse'' and wish to protect your children (completely understandably). He has had to ''fight'' for scraps of his father's attention with multiple siblings / step siblings, the straw that broke the camel's back appearing to be the knowledge another child was on the way - your child. It's hardly surprising he is struggling so much, and behaving as you describe. He is not abusing you, he is so dysregulated he simply cannot function. He needs the adults around him to help him. I'm not saying this is your job to do, but someone needs to. All behaviour is communication and he is quite literally screaming that he needs support.

You asked what could be done, my suggestion is your DP does all he can to get him help from someone who specializes in child trauma and attachment based parenting. They would likely want to work with the family, because this is what is needed for children struggling in this way. The 2nd thing is to help your DP understand that he needs to prioritize his child - and if that means changing his job so be it. This poor child needs help to feel safe, loved and cared for - sending him away to his grandparents will have only fractured matters further ( but may have been necessary in view of his father's absence). I'm amazed social services aren't involved? I'd suggest your DP contact them and keep doing so until support is provided. This type of behaviour is extremely difficult to handle, but there are ways to help. A mainstream therapist isn't equipped.

Here's a site with lots of information on child trauma, the kind of behaviour this triggers, why & how this happens and importantly the kind of parenting needed by children who are suffering from trauma : beaconhouse.org.uk/

You already both had children. Then you have not had one, but two more into the mix. There are now 6 DC all vying for attention with one DP hardly there.

This wasn't a normal situation as you both knew your DSC was a troubled child. He was already being violent to your DC. The signs were there that this could escalate.

We thought long and hard before we had our DC and stopped at one.

I see the Step Mum haters are out in force on this thread 🙄

How about poor OPs DD who was bitten by the 11 year old! Or poor OP who had fake allegations made to social services about her. How upsetting and stressful for everyone.

Its obvious you care about DSS but it’s really down to his Dad to put in the effort here and be his parent! They should be having one on one contact, not in the house till their relationship has improved. You and the other DC should not have to deal with violence in their own home, end of.

The trouble is to be blunt it’s not up to you to decide how much attention is too much or enough for this child. Its entirely down to him to make that decision and I think literally 24 seven with his dad at the moment wouldn’t be enough because he desperately needs that love and reassurance that he’s as important as the other two babies that have come along into his life.

I see the Step Mum haters are out in force on this thread 🙄

I am a SM.

Yes the DF has to step up but both OP and her DH have brought more DC into this because as her pp says because they wanted to and seems tough luck if the DSC doesn't feel able to share his DF time.

He was already showing signs of violence and in their great wisdom they have had another and it has got worse.

All adults have let him down.

This is a BRILLIANT post and I completely agree with all of it - as the poster states, all behaviour is communication and this child is literally SCREAMING at the adults in his life for help and support.

If you take nothing else away from this thread, OP, please read this and consider it in depth.

Dad might not be seeing him for the past month (few weeks he wasn’t allowed bail conditions) but he video calls and calls twice daily and has good chats alone with out us he don’t want to abandon him and his grandparents keep saying his busy and took up this work to pay his maintenance and fees for therapy which we’ve clearly been done out of money for as it’s not helped at all, I described it as that just as it became a daily run up and scream in my face incidents throwing things and even down to smashing 2 tv’s it was pretty scary, I didn’t know if I could even say good morning towards the end because it would trigger him. That link is very very helpful thank you so much

Agreed and Beacon House is very good.

Poor kid, surely if he is 11 and his dad has full custody then you should be integrating him into the family, he would surely behave better if he felt secure.

It sounds like he has always been integrated until recently, that was when most of this behaviour happened.

No I just don’t believe a child should decide adult things like that, what I mean is I put my life on hold for my children and there’s now a time I’m sitting here wishing I had of had children younger as now they’re grown up they’re never about and I feel old and tired compared to when I had them, he was fine with his siblings just not with my teenage 2 who have grown up ones in uni the others going uni in September. I don’t know how many times I can say that, this on us is a new thing his only just rejected his 5 year old sibling now I was already pregnant when this all happened, I’m not sure other then abortion and adoption what the other options I had, he was off compared to mine from 5 year old had big meltdowns and lashed out but never did I think it would get to this stage and I’m sorry if nobody thinks I done enough or it’s my fault, but I’m trying, I’m just worried right now with him biting and getting my husband arrested, smashing my house up all in past 6 month what’s next if he has another outburst he may hurt him as he did my 19 year old.

How old was the child he bit out of interest?

He says he don’t want contact with his dad and his parents tell him that too we’ve asked multiple times past few weeks, he say he just wants to stay there as he gets better stuff and play on the Xbox more

I think you're right that a lot of this is being driven by his grandparents and being there is not good for him. It's hard to know what to suggest really, either your DH somehow exerts his parental authority and refuses to let him live there (he is fairly young to decide) or you may both have to accept him living there, getting the attention he craves but probably becoming a spoilt nightmare.

Would you want him to come home full time?
Or to you want him to stay at his grandparents?