Stepchild

[Rowe12]

Me and husband have been married for 5 years together 6, have 2 children together, he has an older child full custody 11. We’ve become distant due to his child, his child hates me and my other older children from previous relationship, from the start his child was very violent like when they were all playing he would lose his temper if the game want going in his favour and hit mine and even bit my daughter, recently I cracked down on the amount of sweet intake crips etc as they became very greedy and rather then eat as much fruit as they like. He told his mum January I only let him eat jam sandwiches and how his dad hits him, social services closed the case after talking to him because he said it’s because I don’t allow him to help himself to the sweets and crisps

also things started to go missing of mine and my older sons clothes, make up toys and I caught him trying to put mine and my sons clothes in the black bag in the bin and my make up in his school bag when checking for letters. I asked him about it and he had a massive outburst threw dinner all over the floor screaming shouting at me saying he hates me and my kids (not the first time) he gets quite scary. Mother’s Day came and my children brought me some chocolates box and a big bar and he sneaked into our room and ate the lot and his reason was because he hasn’t got a mum why should they this comment has really scared me. ( his mum bothers sometimes but can go months without seeing him)

he moved in with his grandparents, my husband wants him to come round every other weekend but he works 6 days a week and can’t change that as that’s his work and it requires him to be on site, I told my husband I feel very very uncomfortable around him because of his anger towards me and they lies his told and the fact he scares me and I don’t want him to hurt mine and my husbands kids as they’re baby’s, his never interacted with them and my youngest his never met. After us being abused by him I just don’t think I can face him he don’t want us around him anyway his said that. I’ve told my husband to go round or see him alone with out us but he won’t.

So he knew you from before when you were a neighbour and he lived with both his parents??

I think these kind of comments are really unfair. By all accounts OP sounds like she us been very patient and tolerant with him, even at times most would not. Her kids deserve to do something for her for Mothers Day, perhaps his dad should have been minding his feelings on the day but to say that this is evidence of OP not being sensitive enough to him is really out of order.

Your children weren't this old when you and his father first got together though, surely they need a relationship with him or something otherwise he will never feel like part of the whole family.

Some kids make these allegations, my brother did when he was around 13 because my parents wouldn't buy him a new bike. He soon admitted it as well.

Your husband really needs to step up, of course a child his age would prefer have fizzy drinks and brand new trainers - the grandparents aren't helping there, they are acting like a Disney dad. This boy needs love and attention from his Dad more than anything.

His mums been like this since birth I know her she cares more about herself then helping her own son, we do include him with everything his like one of my own, unfortunately I can’t tell my 5 year old not to make presents at school or to give me a card and chocolate because his 11 (12 year old next month) brothers mum comes in and out his life funnily enough his mum was in contact with him at this point so he didn’t really need to do it.

He live with my husbands parents as his parents were never really together properly if that makes sense she started to go off on drug binges from when he was a week old.

OP to an extent I get it. My DH has full custody of my DSC and their DM will rightly so, never be involved.

They witnessed some horrendous things as small DC that adults would find hard to deal with. They continue to have ongoing therapy years later.

Your DH really needs to step up here. Your DSS is crying out and he seems to be burying his head in the sand.

For a start he could look for another job.

You need to find the right therapy that suits your DSS.

You're husband needs to work less and spend more time with his son. Even if that means he works days and you works nights if you need the money. The child obviously feels abandoned. This is so sad.

OP, you have done all you can. It's time for you to protect yourself and your younger children. Please do not have him near the other children or yourself without your husband being there.

He is a very troubled and possibly dangerous young man at the moment. Keep the others safe.

Your husband definitely has not done all he can or his eldest child wouldn't be living with relatives.

This post shows such an utter lack of understanding its breathtaking. That poor child.

I agree with this. Especially a boy who had already been failed by the adults around him.

I’m not saying his done all he can, I’ve tried everything professionally and parent like talking taking him out alone when he was here etc, I was just hoping someone had some additional advice something maybe we haven’t tried and might help we understand he needs to build that relationship back up but him and his grandparents are not allowing us him too, his really over cautious to be alone due to the accusations as he was arrested for child abuse and social service had to investigate and his bail conditions were not allowed to be alone with a minor this killed him with his other children he had to live away for 4 whole weeks until they got the truth. So I really do get why my husband wants me there as a support but I just can’t do ever other weekend and be alone for a day just because he does scare me his a strong child and he says concerning things and he has already said he don’t want a relationship with his dad until me and the others are out of the picture completely, my suspicions are all this can’t of come from a 11 year old it doesn’t sound like an 11 year old some of the things he says to my husband and he told him his great man lived with her parents and so did his dad so why can’t he. I was just hoping for some advice to help something alternative to what we’ve tried

Omg his poor son is suffering, this whole set up is a farce, pregnant 8 months into a new relationship so the 5 year old is then forced ro live with 4 new ppl in a short space of time now a 5th his mum is a drug addict and God know how much damage that has caused, his dad need to step up and be a dad to him 1st and foremost his needs should have always came before anyone else's and it hasn't, 6 weeks therapy is not enough took me over 3 months to open up to the right therapist at the age of 11 you need ro find the right one and the mother needs to be cut out of his life as it will just keep making it worse, I think its about time your dh steps up and puts his needs first the job need to go and find something else if you have ro live skint for a while so be it,

I agree too. You can't change history but I think there is an element of all this was way way to fast.

How much did you involve him with planning for when your DC together arrive. Did you involve him or did he feel excluded and that there were going to be more people taking up his DF time?

OP, you seem to be putting this all on child. Kids externalize their pain - just like other people internalize their pain. He isn't just bad. His behaviour is a problem but he is a child sho is suffering. Do you think it feels good to him to be so angry - to have no one who likes him and wants him around in his own home and family?

He has a mother with mental health problems - so he has the genetics to have his own problems. He doesn't have a mother in his life but watches you play mother to 4 other kids while he goes without. His dad is split between a very busy job, a wife at home with a new baby and 3 other kids. DId he have his own bedroom at home? A kid with all that emotional energy needs their own space. Did he have his own space?

There is a difference between having boundaries on food and house activities and being rigid and having a lot of house rules and food rules. I don't know which one you are but for a kid who already clearly feels out of control and can't contorl his own emotions or thoughts, you are also taking away control of food - what does he have left in his life to control? Everyone needs to feel in control of something.

At least if he pretends or says he wanted to go to his grandparents and they wanted him - he can save face a little versus the reality of being turfed from the family home beause no one wants him and these were the only people who would take him. That hurts and easily to push people away than let the close and have them hurt you more. Easier to be the bad kid and do things to give a feeling of control as to why people don't like you than to act well beahved and realize they don't like you or want you then either. Best to have it be your beahviour and not you the person who is bad and unlikeable.

He needs serious help. He needs to be seeing professionals and to have supports at home and school. You need a team here - or you are going to have one angry teen who has nothing to lose in a few years and the capacity to take that anger out on others. He is hardening to protect from the pain around him and after awhile that hardness is not reversible.

Do you work (When not on mat leave)? You need to share the financial burden here so your husband can have more time off or he needs to take a leave and get his son the help he needs. Right now it seems he is just an inconvenience to everyone...and he knows that.

He was fine with his brother until he came back from his nans at Xmas for a weekend then he refused to even look at him wouldn’t even say hello to me when I ask how was nanny’s was he said nothing and went to his room, they go to the same school he won’t even engage on the playground at play time he gets really upset as he misses his big brother

It’s not like that at all my older children are hardly home and his one of my own he gets everything they get I’ve never once treated him differently if we’re doing something fun example crafts his right bloody next to me, he wasn’t always like this towards me, maybe to the older kids but I thought every kids different his be a lone child 5 years old it’s tough at that age maybe he just needed a proper mum to guide and love him it’s only been since Xmas towards me and husband, he used to even give me a card mothers-day he’d purposely make me one I feel sick reading all this maybe it is my fault and I should prob let my husband go and I do work yes, I maybe on mat leave but still doing the odd day. We’re only financially bad off because we paid for 2 therapy’s and had a baby. I’ve tried getting professional help even the drs referred to mental health services he refused to engage we’ve even had to pay private because free services ended after 6 weeks

What an awful situation!

I completely understand why he feels like he does.
You relationship moved very quickly and you have to take some responsibility for making those choices knowing it’s going to impact both of your children from previous relationships.
You are lucky your children have not acted out too but because he’s got such a disadvantaged life and no decent mum then his reaction is ofcourse going to be worse.

In his eyes you are taking his dad away and he’s jealous that your children get to have a ‘proper’ family and he doesn’t.

I completely see why you’d be worried about having him on your own around his younger siblings if there is any jealousy. But he does need to come home and be shown that he is missed.

Do you work?
The only solution I can think of is that your DH does the hours you’re doing now and you do a job that’s 6 days a week to bring in the money - that way it’s your DH who is dealing with him (which is good for his son) and you’re not loosing any money.

It's not all your fault OP. I've no idea why the comments have been so hostile and determined to blame you but it's appalling. You sound like you have been very good to him and very patient with what, no matter how many excuses people have made, is clearly appalling behaviour.

I agree you married too soon, personally I don't think I'd have married at all given his behaviour, but your DH is as guilty of this as you, more so for not considering his sons additional needs that yours perhaps did not have. Since then, I'm not seeing any suggestion at all that you've treated him poorly and caused this behaviour.

I get this and understand we have jumped the gun and the issue he had with my older children should of been addressed first but I honestly thought it was just a 5 year old child who’s had a shit life and just needed a proper loving family and the age gap was massive I just thought he was like it because they were just older then him and they could go off out alone just thought it was that type of jealousy, he was fine towards me until this Xmas 6 years down the line it’s only been the past 6 months his been like this and saying and doing really out of character stuff and saying non age related things. I believe personally it’s something to do with the grandparents not that I’ve ever said this to my husband, it’s just funny how he spent a weekend with them and came back a different child and saying things like his great grandparent lived with his man and dad and he should and how he wants to stay there as he gets better stuff and more junk food. That’s just my opinion I don’t know, I just wanted some decent advice to give to my husband without me having to be alone right now with him or be involved as his son really don’t want me there and I can’t support him like that right now as he bit my daughter in an outburst before he left I’m worried for the younger ones as he was fully out of control it scared me, I just want to help him fix his relationship with him as his refusing to engage and my husband is worried over more accusations that might happen. His already causing a bit of a stir down his nans as one parent messaged me and said he was texting her daughter some very vile messages and she was a sl*g so we really needed something to help with him before he end up in serious trouble his grandparents think there’s nothing wrong with his behaviour, get us all back on track even our marriage is taking a hit as he thinks me not being there is being unsupportive of him and we should all be engaging together and I don’t think it’s right.

How old are the grandparents are they likely to live until this child is well into his 20s and are they going to be in a position to support him ? who is financially supporting him right now buying his school shoes food etc is that down to the grandparents ?

No we’re still supplying him everything he needs and giving them money for food, we were giving her 60 a week and his school bits we pay the dinner, trips etc but she is now asking for 100 a week as she’s saying he needs more things we just can’t afford no more I’m working when I can when I’m not with the baby and my parents are able to help and my husband is trying to pay off the debt of therapy we owe, other then the expensive Nike stuff she’s brought him, they’re 65 and 63

Could you go through social services and formalise the arrangement I think it’s called kinship guardians they might at least be able to claim some universal credit towards his upkeep that way. When I read your post the first thing I thought of is it this has a car crash all over it because of the money. It is absolutely imperative that this child does not feel as though he’s costing anybody too much money and nobody wants to pay for him.

From your timeline it seems the 2nd pregnancy may have triggered his recent behaviour.

I think the first step is for all the adults in his life to take responsibility. He has been failed because he needed security ince his mum rejected him and he hasn't had that. Having half siblings will have made him feel more threatened. What is the bedroom situation? Does he have his own space? Does his mum have other children?

Your dh really, really needs to focus on his son because if he doesn't get the attention he craves he will be a terrible teen and your lives will not get better. Your dh can't put work ahead of his son which what he has done.

She’s claiming universal credit for him I did it for her as she don’t know how to use a computer, we didn’t need a kinship they said as long as child is living there even if it’s temp, and husband phoned up child benefit as well changing it over just to make sure he has what he needs. We’re not entitled to universal credit so it didn’t need to cancel our end but she was claiming already so it all was just added to her claim immediately