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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"People will always take care of me"

168 replies

Famalamabunfight · 22/06/2022 08:25

This is my BIL's mantra (DH's brother). He genuinely believes it. He told my DF it and they hardly know each other. Anyway, he is almost 35 now and still thinks that his artistic career will take off and he will be found. It means he has never had a proper job.

About a month ago, my DS asked him to come over and DBIL responded that his car was in the shop but he could come if we sprang x for a new car (yes, this has been a thread before but I have name changed as this could be quite outing now). DH did shoot that down, though does believe he didn't really mean it. He believes he was just saying it in response to a question and the fact that he mentioned a specific amount of cash was perfectly usual.

Now DBIL's girlfriend is ill. She is genuinely ill and she genuinely needs quite a serious operation. BIL has posted on the family text chat about the timing of the op, and that if we wanted to show support he had a list of things we could buy him (no, sorry her lol lol) with regards to their hobby.

I personally find it all a bit much. DH thinks she's ill and he's just reaching out and that we should indulge him.

I am happy to be told AIBU - i know i can be very sensitive but that is because there has been somewhat of an expectation of us from his family that we might pay for this or that in the past so there is history.

For context the reason why we have money is a mixture of a good business and inheritance from my side. We are, realistically, the only ones who would have spare cash to do it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 22/06/2022 08:29

His girlfriend is ill so he wants some stuff for his hobby? If the rest of the family want to indulge him that’s their choice but it would be a hard no from me. You need to have a serious talk with your dh.

SinnermanGirl · 22/06/2022 08:30

I think give to whom and what you choose. And your partner can do the same. People’s families are different. In my family we support each other.

Original poster
Famalamabunfight · 22/06/2022 08:30

It is their hobby. It's something they both do by all accounts

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 22/06/2022 08:31

The more I think about this the more strange it seems. Most families don’t support other ill family members by buying them stuff. It’s bizarre.

TulipCat · 22/06/2022 08:32

No way would I be "supporting" by buying things for their hobby. Sure I would do hospital runs, bring supplies, help in their house etc. But your BIL is jumping on a bandwagon here, it's disgraceful. He needs to grow up and find a way of supporting himself.

SomePosters · 22/06/2022 08:33

If I was wealthy enough to I would happily give less wealthy friends for family a lump sum for a boost to better themselves but I wouldn’t be just regularly topping up the lifestyle stuff of someone who seemed to feel entitled to it!

I wouldn’t top up anyones hobby equipment while they were in hospital, possibly I would help out with getting to and from hospital sometimes or send food packages when home to recover

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 22/06/2022 08:35

Oh this is one of my nightmares. I've recently come into money due to a serious accident some years ago. To me, it's literally 'blood money'. I have suffered, and will suffer immensely due to the accident.

And I have a friend who is also a perpetual victim. I am so oversensitive to any 'casual jokes' she makes about money now. I'm petrified of her actually asking for money. This might be my problem though.

But, I think YANBU. Your BIL is going to have to start looking after himself at some point. This is a rubbish situation. People seem to think that you 'should help' if you have money. It's wrong. You can help if you want to, but not because you should.

Lovelydovey · 22/06/2022 08:36

That’s quite presumptuous to actually ask for that kind of help. And it would really irritate me.

If I was asking for help it would be much more in the “need” rather than “want” space - so lifts to hospital, meals cooked, companionship. His request rather feels like a demand for money.

Of course it would be lovely if someone offered me money or non-essentials - but I couldn’t bring myself to ask unprompted for them.

DingDongDenny · 22/06/2022 08:38

He needs to grow up and stand on his own two feet, including supporting his sick girlfriend.

If it was my BIL, I'd help out when his DP was ill by doing things like bringing them round a cooked meal, or offering a lift. But not buying things like some sort of consolation prize

Theredjellybean · 22/06/2022 08:38

Freeloading and grabby springs to mind.
I fail to understand why people who feel entitled to Swan about not working also feel entitled to money other people have earnt. (inheritance aside, I presume your business success was not down to just luck but probably hard graft too)

If you were close and he'd asked for money to say buy a new reliable car to ensure he could visit gf in hospital or ensure she gets to appts etc then I'd probably help, but stuff for his hobby......err NO

HollowTalk · 22/06/2022 08:39

But surely if someone was ill you would send them a card, maybe send them some flowers, but you wouldn't send them something for their hobby! You particularly wouldn't send something for their partner's hobby.

Georgeskitchen · 22/06/2022 08:40

Or the family could tell him to get off his lazy arse and get a job?

WhiteCircles · 22/06/2022 08:41

You clearly don't like him and only you know if that's justified, but if you take that out of it it doesn't seem so bad.

I can easily see lots of people I know, on being invited somewhere they can't get to, joking that they'll come if someone buys then a car

And the hobby stuff, it's customary when hearing that someone us so ill to say "let me know if you need anything" and not that unreasonable to suggest in response that if you'd like to do something, some hobby stuff to keep her occupied while she's ill would be nice.

Lot's of people take a "something will work out" view to their future and it's a bit much to be judging that when your superiority is based on an inheritance.

It's entirely up to you whether you help though.

butterflyflutterby123 · 22/06/2022 08:42

The list of stuff to but seems opportunistic and manipulative. The problem lies even deeper if he doesn't do it consciously

Fitzfatsfeist · 22/06/2022 08:44

Could the hobby be done whilst she is recovering (like crossword puzzles or painting warhammer) in which case I might speak to her and ask her directly if it is something she would like. If is is something that might not be possible whilst recovering, like mountain biking, then it would be a no as it would be more for him than for her iyswim.

Meraas · 22/06/2022 08:54

For context the reason why we have money is a mixture of a good business and inheritance from my side. We are, realistically, the only ones who would have spare cash to do it.

I wouldn't give them a penny. Your DH needs to be stop trying to squander your inheritance on his feckless, gobshite brother.

No one needs hobby money when they are seriously ill.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/06/2022 08:54

I’d be thinking long term. It sounds like you will be forced to help BIL when he is a pensioner because otherwise he won’t be able to afford to live.
How much do you want to spend on him overall?? He clearly has no shame and will probably be constantly asking for things.

Id show my support in other ways, not just shell out for whatever he wants. You set the tone rather than him.

Meraas · 22/06/2022 08:56

Rainbowqueeen · 22/06/2022 08:54

I’d be thinking long term. It sounds like you will be forced to help BIL when he is a pensioner because otherwise he won’t be able to afford to live.
How much do you want to spend on him overall?? He clearly has no shame and will probably be constantly asking for things.

Id show my support in other ways, not just shell out for whatever he wants. You set the tone rather than him.

BIL has made his bed all his life and now needs to lie in it. OP shouldn't be 'forced' to help him at all.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 22/06/2022 09:00

Send him the link to their local job centre..
Cfery has no bounds does it?

BackToTheTop · 22/06/2022 09:02

Tell him to bugger off, cheeky sod. I'd tell him you'll happily help out with your time and energy but there's no need to give him money! Infact it's a ridiculous request from him.

WhatALoadOfWankiness · 22/06/2022 09:04

If it was a one off I'd consider it but he has history for asking for stuff so I'd genuinely question his motives
Why will this hobby help her health?

jetadore · 22/06/2022 09:05

Yeh from an outside, objective perspective this is weird and unhealthy but sibling/family relationships can be complicated like that and a real blind spot for the people involved and very difficult to shift the status quo. I see variations of this in my own family. Very frustrating if your DPs the ‘reasonable’ one. Your instincts are right but it can sometimes make you question yourself the way the family ignores/accommodates the entitled behaviour.

Triffid1 · 22/06/2022 09:10

It seems to me that a big part of the issue is that funding your BIL is going to be out of YOUR inheritance. No wonder you're not happy. And there's history of him being manipulative (the car thing was bad enough but I think what made it worse was that he was using your DS as a tool to make it happen).

Having said that, depending on what he's asking for and how much it costs, I'd be inclined to send something. But send it directly to her with a note to her. Obviously, that's not true if the hobby is horse riding and they want a new horse or something!

LittleOwl153 · 22/06/2022 09:10

If I was you I'd be removing the inheritance from the family purse and looking it away either as a long term investment or if necessary with other reliable family members. If you house/business relies on the inheritance I would be drawing it back out as you can.

Once you've done that I would separate your family budget so that your husband (and you equally) has some spending money. If he wants to spend on stuff for his family then he can do so out of that.

BIL is a waster, if your inlaws generally expect you to support him and them then they are also spongers but your DH is not going to stop giving to them unless he really feels the impact himself. He likes being the family benefactor! But if you separate thi gs it will impact you much less.

cstaff · 22/06/2022 09:12

I remember your last thread about the car and glad that you didn't indulge him in that case. Now he thinks he has a legit reason and he is off again. If you want to do something, go and visit her and bring chocolates or magazines like normal people do. Tell your BIL to do one and get a fucking job.