"People will always take care of me"

[Famalamabunfight]

This is my BIL's mantra (DH's brother). He genuinely believes it. He told my DF it and they hardly know each other. Anyway, he is almost 35 now and still thinks that his artistic career will take off and he will be found. It means he has never had a proper job.

About a month ago, my DS asked him to come over and DBIL responded that his car was in the shop but he could come if we sprang x for a new car (yes, this has been a thread before but I have name changed as this could be quite outing now). DH did shoot that down, though does believe he didn't really mean it. He believes he was just saying it in response to a question and the fact that he mentioned a specific amount of cash was perfectly usual.

Now DBIL's girlfriend is ill. She is genuinely ill and she genuinely needs quite a serious operation. BIL has posted on the family text chat about the timing of the op, and that if we wanted to show support he had a list of things we could buy him (no, sorry her lol lol) with regards to their hobby.

I personally find it all a bit much. DH thinks she's ill and he's just reaching out and that we should indulge him.

I am happy to be told AIBU - i know i can be very sensitive but that is because there has been somewhat of an expectation of us from his family that we might pay for this or that in the past so there is history.

For context the reason why we have money is a mixture of a good business and inheritance from my side. We are, realistically, the only ones who would have spare cash to do it.

Thoughts?

I have a SIL who is an artist. She and her DP have done bugger all really for about 35 years. If either had woken up to the fact they are not so talented anyone will want to buy their stuff and got paying jobs I would be sympathetic to their cries of skint which are frequent. I keep my purse and mouth zipped.

My DH has a 'friend' like that.

He has 3 children by 3 different women (the latter 2 where the results of affairs) and the original child is profoundly and seriously disabled, he not in their lives - which was a red flag when I first heard of him but the shamelessness I encountered is so brazen.

The interactions I have had with the basically stranger are hillarious:

Someone he knew died and he regularly hold memorial fundraisers 'in their honor' constantly badgering us to 'donate'. hes a 'DJ' and plays these monthly fundraisers paying himself nicely for running it dispite passing it off as a charity.

I invited him to my DH suprise birthday party and his response was 'I'll come if you pay me' (I'm NOT paying someone to attend a party ffs, hes an old college friend not a bloody rockstar)

He then sent me (a person he had met ONCE) a go fund me to help buy him a car (I couldn't even afford a car myself at the time but was saving up) not even because his broke down or he needed one but because (and this is what the go fund me said) 'I am sad and depressed and believe a car allowing to to get out and about will make me feel better' and he was then asking for thousand upon thousand to buy a virtually new car (the car I finally managed to get was £600).

The mans money grabbing shamelessness (well frankly all round shamelessness) never ceases to amaze me.

I'm pretty sure I read one of your previous posts but can't remember the detail other than your BIL is a CF and your DH needs to stop spending YOUR inheritance on him!

Haven't all the great artists in history been impoverished and supported by benefactors during their lifetime?

Do you think you are all quite well? Spend any spare cash on family therapy for the lot of you.

Yeah some of them, but that poster clearly stated her SIL and DP aren’t great artists at all 😂

Context and tone is everything.
Massive difference between 'I'll visit if you buy me a car its £?' and 'Yeah, love to mate, if you fancy giving ne £? for a car as mines in the shop'
Also massive difference between 'I know you want to help, but what girlfriend really wants is for us to be able to do hobby again before her op so contributions to that gratefully received' and 'pay for me to do my hobby because I'm having a tough time with GF being ill".

That is absolutely bizarre. I am the lowest earner in my immediate family and they are all very generous to me in different ways. But when I ended up in hospital for a week, everyone was brilliant: bringing things I needed, visiting, even doing my washing up so I came home to a clean house. My mum offered to put some food in the fridge for me,

No one, literally no one, asked for a wish list to buy me random things for my hobbies. And frankly, doing said hobbies was the last thing on my mind when I was so ill. Your BIL is a chancer and a sponge and your DH and others need to stop enabling him.

But what is the connection between her being ill and wanting stuff for their hobby? Has he explained that? Sounds like he is not going to change, so I would just ignore any future begging. He sounds like an over grown toddler.

No. My friend has a brother like this, started this way and now he expects her to fund him all the time.

Support is - cooking a meal, visiting and taking a small thoughtful gift from time to time, popping in with a pint of milk and checking in. It is not funding their self indulgence. Stand your ground.

I'd be happy to support with practical helpful stuff, like food shopping, meal prep, mowing the lawn etc. But funding their hobby? Bog off.

No. Several great artists were also commercially successful.

BIL is a CF.

It depends what it is, I suppose. But your dh should feel no obligation. Your bil’s attitude and expectations stink.

YANBU, and with no real responsibility he’s plenty able to support her with zero family help.
compared to someone else who actually has to work for a living!

Some people always have their hand out. Just flat out no. If they want money they can work for it. I would be embarrassed to constantly ask family for money. Some people have no shame.

Not true, but even so benefactors = super rich people who commissioned stuff.
not family members, ordinary randoms or even kickstarters, didn’t work like that

I was going to ask this. I love adult colouring books, so if someone offered to buy me one while I was recovering from surgery, I'd love it. Scuba diving less likely.

Why on earth should OP be thinking about how much she wants to spend overall on her husband's brother?

The money she has has come from her family. Exactly how much money are you planning to spend on freeloading relations of your spouse Rainbowqueen

The only person I might tolerate this nonsense from would be my kids. But they wouldn't try to pull this shit so it's a moot point.

The problem is and will always be your dh and his attitude towards using your money to help his brother out. Why don't you address that? You have posted before about your bills entitled behaviour Remove your inheritance from the family pot and keep it in a separate account. If he wants to help his brother he can do so from his own earnings. I wouldn't subsidise another adult who is perfectly capable of working

Exactly this - especially the bit about keeping the inheritance in a separate account. Since you're married it's likely your DH would be entitled to a share if it came to the worst, but I see no sense in enabling him to fritter it away on an idler, at least while you can influence things

Tell him he's dreaming.

I think I'd leave this to DH to decide as it his brother. Unless the amounts DH wants to give him will significantly impact on your own family.

He's a cheeky fucker who needs cutting off. He'll never stop with his demands while people are indulging this nonsense.

I'd send a meal and some flowers, but I wouldn't be purchasing hobby equipment?!