"People will always take care of me"

[Famalamabunfight]

This is my BIL's mantra (DH's brother). He genuinely believes it. He told my DF it and they hardly know each other. Anyway, he is almost 35 now and still thinks that his artistic career will take off and he will be found. It means he has never had a proper job.

About a month ago, my DS asked him to come over and DBIL responded that his car was in the shop but he could come if we sprang x for a new car (yes, this has been a thread before but I have name changed as this could be quite outing now). DH did shoot that down, though does believe he didn't really mean it. He believes he was just saying it in response to a question and the fact that he mentioned a specific amount of cash was perfectly usual.

Now DBIL's girlfriend is ill. She is genuinely ill and she genuinely needs quite a serious operation. BIL has posted on the family text chat about the timing of the op, and that if we wanted to show support he had a list of things we could buy him (no, sorry her lol lol) with regards to their hobby.

I personally find it all a bit much. DH thinks she's ill and he's just reaching out and that we should indulge him.

I am happy to be told AIBU - i know i can be very sensitive but that is because there has been somewhat of an expectation of us from his family that we might pay for this or that in the past so there is history.

For context the reason why we have money is a mixture of a good business and inheritance from my side. We are, realistically, the only ones who would have spare cash to do it.

Thoughts?

He sounds the type to keep the care package for himself then complain the perfume in the bubble-bath irritated his skin!

Does he think that "Make a Wish" sounds like "Take the Piss?

I would ring fence your inheritance for a start. So he cannot pressure your DH into giving him that money.

And I would start ignoring all his requests.

This kind of learnt helplessness does my head in. You have your own family to provide for.

It always makes me laugh when people like this want to live the life they choose on someone else's dime. Like those (mostly) blokes that want to live off grid but only if someone else in on the grid and pays the bills.

In my less tolerant moments I would be asking him "which people? Not us mate".

i was thinking more along managing the family.
If nobody else jumps in to help then perfectly fine is saying no.
However if everyone else is helping, and OP alone is being asked to bankroll stuff for the BIL she’s perfectly justified in offering to help in similar ways to others.

He sounds like an entitled twat, and I wouldn't be buying him anything. Send flowers to the gf, offer practical help (to her), and that's it. Otherwise it's enabling this spoilt idiot.

Respond that you (your husband) can help with practical things surrounding his gf illness - maybe cook a few meals, walk their dog, that sort of thing. But NO money, certainly not for their hobby!

Why isn't he working until he 'gets found'. Is he a cocklodger, expecting his GF to pay rent and bills while he does nothing, she's better off without him.

My question would be if you did contribute to the costs of something for their hobby, and his girlfriend that up to quite recent times participated in the hobby, wouldn't you just be contributing to his hobby?
That just seems despicable that he would play on the illness of his girlfriend like that.
It would be a most definite hard no on contributing to their hobby, his hobby or anyone else's hobby for that matter.

I remember your other thread and can't believe that the BiL is still going on like this. Doesn't he know that even the most famous artists (unless they have a unique selling point such as Banksy has) only became 'rich' and 'famous' after they were dead? What type of an artist is he because I'm getting very strong impressions of a con-artist wafting in my general direction!

Eh !! Is the hobby something like building logo?

I night send a kid who is out of action a kit but an adult ? No, I'd send flowers - probably not in this case as you haven't even met.

He is a major CF.

People like this do get what they want

i know 2

Both of them still financially supported by their parents, even though they are in their 40s. Both had a house bought for them outright by their parents, for both that is still not quite enough whilst they keep needing others to lend/give them money, rides, holidays etc.

it’s spectacularly selfish and a very effective survival strategy! We always pay for one of DH’s cousins holidays, even though they were gifted a £1millikn house outright and continued financial support for their lifestyle. As they can’t obviously take a boring 9-5 job, they are too special and need others looking after them whilst they study hard for a part time aromatherapy degree…

but it works! Even DH grudgingly pays, as “that’s just how they are”

I think I remember the car thread.

The problem with helping out people like this is that the cycle continues. I'm presuming he was probably indulged/spoilt as a child? He will continue to ask because he embarrasses/browbeats/manipulates people into giving him what he wants and thinks he deserves and nobody has the balls to say "NO!" And tell him exactly why.

Break the cycle is my advice. Politely but firmly. He will obviously spit his dummy out but it seems it would possibly be a relief to not have him in your life anyway?

No! Do not give them money . It will never stop!

Christ just tell the loser to get a job. Like the rest of us. The art stuff can be a happy; hardly sounds like he's professional or making money from it.

So what if his girlfriend needs to go to hospital while his car is out of action?

Don't fall for this bullshit. Cut him off. You're not doing him any favours if you keep bailing him out.

hobby not happy!

No way would I be "supporting" by buying things for their hobby. Sure I would do hospital runs, bring supplies, help in their house etc.
this^
I know you’ve said that you don’t live near by but something along these lines: friendly chat any time, a card and flowers to her or some foodie present or whatever she needs but no money for his hobby.

Practical help only as others have suggested.

Hmm… there’s a thought

don’t suppose you’re planning a new patio are you @Famalamabunfight

I wouldn’t do hospital runs for someone I’d never met! Sod that!

"In fairness to DH not one penny has been so indulged so far (tho there have been forced situations like them walking off when bills are due but his eyes are now open to that) but I do feel that I need to always keep an eye as his family are usually on the hunt for handouts by pulling on the heartstrings somehow."

If that was me I'd be sorely tempted to turn up early for a meal, make it abundently clear to the waiter that I am paying the bill for myself and DP, and that the waiter needs to keep an eye out for the two others doing a runner! I could even be tempted to pay in for our food and a bottle of wine and leave a generous tip in advance! At the end of the meal call the waiter over and say "we're off now, can they have their bill?"

Money doesn't solve Money problems. He must solve this himself or you will always be bank of sad stories. Give him the book "How to get out of debt, stay out of debt, and live prosperously" he needs it.

My thoughts? That you've posted about this before and had numerous replies then. A new thread probably won't achieve much.

I don't think the partner's illness makes any difference at all to this. Your bil was unreasonable beofre and he is unreasonable now.

I'd ignore the message personally and tell DH I didn't want to 'show support' by buying hobby stuff to an adult who'd chosen to never have a job. The grown ups I know don't expect other people to fund their lifestyle in any way, shape or form.

If they can't afford something they do without, save up or look at ways of making extra money. The don't simply expect that someone else will pay for it. It's a very odd way to live.

"BIL has posted on the family text chat about the timing of the op, and that if we wanted to show support he had a list of things we could buy him (no, sorry her lol lol) with regards to their hobby."

I would be very tempted to use* *@pastaandpesto's response on the family text chat, as in 'Seriously, BIL - you're monetising Girlfriend'sName's illness? Aren't you a Prince amongst men.'

Given that "his family are usually on the hunt for handouts by pulling on the heartstrings somehow" I would have VERY few scruples about lobbing that particular hand grenade into the conversation.

Ignore it and just let them get on with it. Their problem!