"People will always take care of me"

[Famalamabunfight]

This is my BIL's mantra (DH's brother). He genuinely believes it. He told my DF it and they hardly know each other. Anyway, he is almost 35 now and still thinks that his artistic career will take off and he will be found. It means he has never had a proper job.

About a month ago, my DS asked him to come over and DBIL responded that his car was in the shop but he could come if we sprang x for a new car (yes, this has been a thread before but I have name changed as this could be quite outing now). DH did shoot that down, though does believe he didn't really mean it. He believes he was just saying it in response to a question and the fact that he mentioned a specific amount of cash was perfectly usual.

Now DBIL's girlfriend is ill. She is genuinely ill and she genuinely needs quite a serious operation. BIL has posted on the family text chat about the timing of the op, and that if we wanted to show support he had a list of things we could buy him (no, sorry her lol lol) with regards to their hobby.

I personally find it all a bit much. DH thinks she's ill and he's just reaching out and that we should indulge him.

I am happy to be told AIBU - i know i can be very sensitive but that is because there has been somewhat of an expectation of us from his family that we might pay for this or that in the past so there is history.

For context the reason why we have money is a mixture of a good business and inheritance from my side. We are, realistically, the only ones who would have spare cash to do it.

Thoughts?

I'd say no

how does he live? Also, she too can fund her own hobby.

I'd help in other ways.

I know someone who, after their spouse died, posted a link to their Amazon wishlist "in case people wanted to offer support". I know this person had a reduced income after their partner died, but this wasn't a request for groceries or help with bills, it was a link to a list of expensive gift-type items. Grifters gonna grift.

Appreciating the reference

There's a world of difference between better off family paying for a meal out with the less well off ones, and the less well off asking for handouts for cars and hobby equipment.
Newsflash - hobbies are added extras, not essentials. Pay for them yourself.

This.

I wouldn't do it.

She's Seriously unwell how is she going to do the hobby? It's clearly for himself.

If he really thinks this way and thinks everyone should pay for him then your allowing it by paying for it!
My SIL is like this, demanded money constantly as we were better off than her and thought it was her god given right. Had to go no contact with her.

That’s bizarre. My son is in and out of hospital at the moment. My best friend has dropped off soup and smoothies for him (all he can manage) and fed my cat while we’ve been in hospital.
I am hugely grateful for her support. Hobby items seem like a strange ask.

Isn't the issue more that your DH wants to offer them some financial support and you resent it?

Why don't you just disengage from the situation.... how are they communicating? Just leave any communication to your DH. Do you 'pool' your finances? Does your DH have any discretionary funds he could spend on his DB? My DH has helped family members who are not as fortunate as we are, to be honest I am grateful that I am married to a kind and generous man.

But it obviously depends on how much they are asking for, what impact it will have on your lives etc.

I wouldn't give in to him, people like that have been babied their entire life. At some point someone needs to say no.

Sorry but i think your BIL is a CF.
I wouldn't give him anything.

@WhiteCircles In the previous post about a new car, OP said that BIL actually specified a sum of money to spend on a car. It really did sound like he was trying his luck, and then afterwards said “just joking haha”.
If I was seriously ill and about to have a major operation, I absolutely would not find it helpful if DH gave family members a wish list for gifts related to our joint hobby. No problem with asking for support as PP have said - lifts, cooked meals etc. Or snacks to eat in hospital, toiletries, pyjamas. But this man just sounds cheeky and grasping, using his partner’s illness as an opportunity.

I would be immediately on the phone to her and asking what SHE needs. He is a an entitled parasite and he can get to fuck.

The summer is coming up. How old is your DC and do you need childcare? I might offer BIL the chance to earn some extra money by looking after your DC for a few days rather than paying for holiday club, if that's something you might need.

For the rest of it, I agree BIL has a very odd attitude towards life but I don't see any reason why you should indulge it. Your DH can if he wants out of his personal money. As a family, you might offer lifts to girlfriend and maybe do a nice food shop for her or send some just eat vouchers, something like that - the stuff people would normally do for an ill relative!

I'm at a loss to understand why her being ill means they need to be a) gifted money and b) gifted money for hobbies.

If he is always broke it's time to look for proper work or live within his means. CF!

How much of your inheritance does your husband want to hand over to his brother?

Is your and Dh's money joint or do you have separate finances? I'd be tempted to leave him to sort arrangements with his brother - but not from joint family money.
Separately if you have a relationship or want to be supportive to his gf, I'd do that outside of through the BIL.

Would you really trust someone who can't wipe his own arse unless someone else pays for the toilet paper to look after your children?

I haven’t met her. They have been together for about 18 months but they don’t live near us so with that and covid it hasn’t happened. Tho we were about with a baby they haven’t met (she was a big surprise considering my own medical history) and they didn’t see us. Go figure. Practical support ferrying about would therefore be out tho.

@Ragwort and others that asked what I was planning on doing long term for him. Absolutely bugger all. I don’t see why I should and our money is pooled so as far as I am concerned anything that goes to someone else is money out of our family pot (my inheritances are all protected if something does go wrong between us mind - and always have been).

In fairness to DH not one penny has been so indulged so far (tho there have been forced situations like them walking off when bills are due but his eyes are now open to that) but I do feel that I need to always keep an eye as his family are usually on the hunt for handouts by pulling on the heartstrings somehow.

This sounds like the perfect opportunity to put your foot down and draw a line in the sand. Please do it with your husband, and if necessary with the wider family. You are going to have to do so at some point by the sound of it, so better now than later.

As others have said, make sure your DH cannot dip into your inheritance (or indeed any significant family funds) without your knowledge or agreement.

I'm sensing a certain amount of family guilting and expectation here. If that's the case then stand up to it. Good luck.

What a disgusting human.

I'd be embarrassed to be related to that.

You posted while I was typing OP. Great, it sounds like you've got a clear view of the situation. 😊

18 months is barely anything!
i say that as someone who moved in 3 months after getting together and engaged 2 years in (for immigration reasons, otherwise I’d have waited).

From what you've said it sounds like you have no problem refusing or limiting your BIL's requests - like the money for the car for instance. So if you don't want to do it this time carry on with your policy.

I agree this latest excuse is weak and the BIL is very. annoying but lots of families are like this. I can think of four examples off the top of my head. It gets managed. People on here catatrophising about what might happen in the future and suggesting you will be responsible for your BIL's pension are being irrelevant. He'll undoubtedly be like this in his old age and you probably will be expected to sub him. But you won't be able to teach him any lessons in being good with money so just decide what to do on each and every occasion like everyone else with someone like this in their lives does..

Unless this or other requests are for a large amount of money that will cause inconvenience to you and your children you cannot stop your husband giving something to his brother. You wouldn't want him to have a veto on a reasonable amount of money you wanted to spend on something he considered a waste, would you?

If you decide to give something then give it freely. Hobbies by definition are money down the drain if you take the enjoyment people get from them out of the equation. Don't be the kind of person who gives him and his girlfriend a homecooked meal or some other worthy gift instead oi what he wants. Unless someone is an alcoholic and is asking for a bottle of vodka people who do things like that are a sanctimonious arse ache.

Also glad you’re sticking to your guns OP!
people with ‘expectations’ will always be that way. Give an inch take a mile.
not helping at all is fine, zero guilt. It’s their own attitude that’s the cause of the problem and they might realise it when they fall on their own swords…

It isn’t sanctimonious to offer help that would actually SHOW support.
Instead of buying something that might not even benefit the ill person.

It also looks a lot better than just saying ‘no’ and looking like you want nothing to do with it.