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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"People will always take care of me"

168 replies

Famalamabunfight · 22/06/2022 08:25

This is my BIL's mantra (DH's brother). He genuinely believes it. He told my DF it and they hardly know each other. Anyway, he is almost 35 now and still thinks that his artistic career will take off and he will be found. It means he has never had a proper job.

About a month ago, my DS asked him to come over and DBIL responded that his car was in the shop but he could come if we sprang x for a new car (yes, this has been a thread before but I have name changed as this could be quite outing now). DH did shoot that down, though does believe he didn't really mean it. He believes he was just saying it in response to a question and the fact that he mentioned a specific amount of cash was perfectly usual.

Now DBIL's girlfriend is ill. She is genuinely ill and she genuinely needs quite a serious operation. BIL has posted on the family text chat about the timing of the op, and that if we wanted to show support he had a list of things we could buy him (no, sorry her lol lol) with regards to their hobby.

I personally find it all a bit much. DH thinks she's ill and he's just reaching out and that we should indulge him.

I am happy to be told AIBU - i know i can be very sensitive but that is because there has been somewhat of an expectation of us from his family that we might pay for this or that in the past so there is history.

For context the reason why we have money is a mixture of a good business and inheritance from my side. We are, realistically, the only ones who would have spare cash to do it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
TryThisItHelps · 22/06/2022 09:13

What? Why is this even an issue?

An entitled adult man wants others to fund him. So what? None of your business and not your responsibility. Just keep saying no or you’re a complete doormat of the lowliest kind!

BaggaChip · 22/06/2022 09:16

I am one of many siblings. I am fortunate to have a decent salary. Some of my siblings do not - including an artist. When we go on holidays or outings, myself and my brother (who is most well off out of the sibling group) tend to cover costs for the others.

I love my family and I’m happy to pay a bit more for the people who have it harder. I consider myself fortunate to be able to do so.

It’s a personal choice. I prefer to be a generous person, than cynical.

JofraArchersFastestBall · 22/06/2022 09:24

You're giving this man too much of your energy. Disengage. Leave any group chats that he's a part of and ask you DH not to discuss him. Your DH can deal with it as he sees fit - on the condition that no shared, family money is spent.

If he's close with your children/husband then attempt to be polite but uninterested when he's about.

My sister is/has been skint and very mentally unwell. If my husband tried to interfere in my helping her then I'd be really upset. Family dynamics are complicated and difficult to escape. It's a bit of a different situation, because my husband cares about my sister and she's genuinely very fragile - so he's happy to help but I've tried to protect him and the children from dealing with the real low points.

GCRich · 22/06/2022 09:28

I see this as two issues. The second issue is the specific issue of asking for money for a hobby. In theory this might be OK, let's say money was really tight, if the wife had six months to live, and the hobby was camping, and a gift of £4,000 could upgrade their equipment so she could go with the illness and they could enjoy their last six months together.

The first issue is the overall finances. How good an artist is he? I don't care, it's irrelevant! I am not opposed to subsidies for the arts entirely, but ultimately we either have a committee judging which artists are good enough to be paid for it, or it's down to the market to decide. I've not painted for 30 years and was never any good, but I'd quite like to be able to give up work, spend my days daydreaming and thinking about the pictures I will paint, and maybe sometimes even getting out a brush. BIL has no more right to be a painter than I do, he either sells some paintings and makes a proper salary or he is a sponger.

If I were very well off I could see myself paying for an artist sibling when we were out and about... but I'd be tempted to suggest that maybe they have no more right to have their art subsidised by me, than I have a right to give up work, pick up a brush and tell me sibling to get a job subsidising me.

Itwasntmeright · 22/06/2022 09:28

What are these things he’s asking for? Does she have an illness that will limit her mobility and needs some alterations to her bike or something, or is it just that they want new stuff for their hobby to cheer them up?

CannaeRemember · 22/06/2022 09:31

Why oh why would you even consider buying him stuff for his hobby because his girlfriend is unwell? Do you genuinely believe that this is a reasonable request? As pp have said, make sure that your inheritance is protected and do not set a precedent for giving to this fool.

WhiteCircles · 22/06/2022 09:34

CannaeRemember · 22/06/2022 09:31

Why oh why would you even consider buying him stuff for his hobby because his girlfriend is unwell? Do you genuinely believe that this is a reasonable request? As pp have said, make sure that your inheritance is protected and do not set a precedent for giving to this fool.

Because it's her hobby too? It depends what it is. If it's a very expensive piece of kit, of course not, but some drawing paper and a magazine for her to use while she rests?

Cornettoninja · 22/06/2022 09:34

Obviously you laugh (heartily not tinkly) and say ‘get bent’ then ‘if I can help with lifts to appointments or you want me to do some batch cooking for your freezer let me know’.

Yellowmaddy · 22/06/2022 09:35

Maybe if they couldn’t afford food due to him being off work looking after her or something along those lines then yeah I’d probably do a few shops for them etc but not for a hobby? Seems odd to me.
X

Proudboomer · 22/06/2022 09:35

The word NO is a complete sentence. You don’t have to justify why it is No just say it and stick to it. He is only bring entitled as people have pandered to him in the past.

butterflied · 22/06/2022 09:37

He's saying it because it's apparently true. Your husband seems to want indulge another grown man.

Meraas · 22/06/2022 09:37

@WhiteCircles

Because it's her hobby too? It depends what it is. If it's a very expensive piece of kit, of course not, but some drawing paper and a magazine for her to use while she rests?

Given his previous request was for a new car, do you really think he was asking for a tenner for some drawing paper and a magazine?

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 22/06/2022 09:38

Then HE needs to get a job to support HER hobby costs.
As well as his own...

WhiteCircles · 22/06/2022 09:39

Meraas · 22/06/2022 09:37

@WhiteCircles

Because it's her hobby too? It depends what it is. If it's a very expensive piece of kit, of course not, but some drawing paper and a magazine for her to use while she rests?

Given his previous request was for a new car, do you really think he was asking for a tenner for some drawing paper and a magazine?

As I said, I'd go with that being a joke (as he said it was). Of course if it was meant, it was outrageous, but I can see people I know saying it flippantly

Irishfarmer · 22/06/2022 09:42

It really depends on a few things. What is she ill with? If she has limited time left and there is something involved in this hobby she has always wanted to do but cost has always prohibited it I would buy it (if I could). If she will have life long issues and needs something altered for her hobby IDK bike re-structured or something I again would be inclined to do it.

Are they together a good while? Do you know the GF and like her?

Most important do you think it is for her and shew will benefit from it? I have a feeling because you are posting it is nothing like the above

hoorayandupsherises · 22/06/2022 09:43

Given that OP is saying that because of inheritence/good business they're the only ones who could afford to buy what's on the list, plus the previous demand for a car, I imagine that we're not talking 50 quid here.

DH and I generally decided what we give for our respective families, but for a big sum of money I would seriously be putting my foot now, given his attitude. Someone in the family who's working hard but struggling, I absolutely would consider contributing.

toomuchlaundry · 22/06/2022 09:43

Did he put the 'lol' in the family text?

BruisedSkies · 22/06/2022 09:43

Why isn’t he buying the items?

Isaidnoalready · 22/06/2022 09:44

I sort of remember your last thread telling him to get bent seems to be the response there too if I remember correctly

Blackbird2020 · 22/06/2022 09:45

Your gut is right, just ignore the list.

But first, tell us what’s on it!! You said he was an artist…. Sable paint brushes? A walnut wood easel? A huge Faber-Castell set?

TodaysSocks · 22/06/2022 09:46

LuaDipa · 22/06/2022 08:31

The more I think about this the more strange it seems. Most families don’t support other ill family members by buying them stuff. It’s bizarre.

I agree. A nice card and some flowers or chocolates etc to show support maybe, but not hobby-related gifts. That's not support at all.

Sceptre86 · 22/06/2022 09:47

The problem is and will always be your dh and his attitude towards using your money to help his brother out. Why don't you address that? You have posted before about your bills entitled behaviour Remove your inheritance from the family pot and keep it in a separate account. If he wants to help his brother he can do so from his own earnings. I wouldn't subsidise another adult who is perfectly capable of working.

CloudPop · 22/06/2022 09:47

WhiteCircles · 22/06/2022 08:41

You clearly don't like him and only you know if that's justified, but if you take that out of it it doesn't seem so bad.

I can easily see lots of people I know, on being invited somewhere they can't get to, joking that they'll come if someone buys then a car

And the hobby stuff, it's customary when hearing that someone us so ill to say "let me know if you need anything" and not that unreasonable to suggest in response that if you'd like to do something, some hobby stuff to keep her occupied while she's ill would be nice.

Lot's of people take a "something will work out" view to their future and it's a bit much to be judging that when your superiority is based on an inheritance.

It's entirely up to you whether you help though.

Or he could get a job, like the rest of us have to?

HintofVintagePink · 22/06/2022 09:47

You show support in many ways, it doesn’t have to be buying from a wish list. I’d say no to the requests for hobby items, but offer to help on another way.

Nothappyatwork · 22/06/2022 09:52

I too would completely ignore the list unless it’s for toothpaste and toiletries that she specifically might need.

does the brother-in-law have any redeeming features does he give anything to the family Babysitting…. is he the fun uncle that the kids can’t wait to see ?