"People will always take care of me"

[Famalamabunfight]

This is my BIL's mantra (DH's brother). He genuinely believes it. He told my DF it and they hardly know each other. Anyway, he is almost 35 now and still thinks that his artistic career will take off and he will be found. It means he has never had a proper job.

About a month ago, my DS asked him to come over and DBIL responded that his car was in the shop but he could come if we sprang x for a new car (yes, this has been a thread before but I have name changed as this could be quite outing now). DH did shoot that down, though does believe he didn't really mean it. He believes he was just saying it in response to a question and the fact that he mentioned a specific amount of cash was perfectly usual.

Now DBIL's girlfriend is ill. She is genuinely ill and she genuinely needs quite a serious operation. BIL has posted on the family text chat about the timing of the op, and that if we wanted to show support he had a list of things we could buy him (no, sorry her lol lol) with regards to their hobby.

I personally find it all a bit much. DH thinks she's ill and he's just reaching out and that we should indulge him.

I am happy to be told AIBU - i know i can be very sensitive but that is because there has been somewhat of an expectation of us from his family that we might pay for this or that in the past so there is history.

For context the reason why we have money is a mixture of a good business and inheritance from my side. We are, realistically, the only ones who would have spare cash to do it.

Thoughts?

well hes had a bad outlook all his life hasnt he and everyones indulged him

what do his parents say

He is quite literally monetizing his girlfriend's illness.

Speechless.

Your BIL is a parasite. And what do we do with them? We get rid. I would step far away from him and refuse to allow any of your family (and own) money ever to be spent on him.

"It looks a lot better than saying no and looking like you want nothing to do with it".

@DomPerignon12 that's not doing anything about it. That's just making you feel better and dodging the situation. Sometimes it's okay to give people what they ask for within reason even if you think it is a waste of money and sometimes it's better just to say "no". The OP has said no before like with the request for money for the car so she has no problem with it. She could do it this time too.

What's the problem exactly? He asks, you saý no. He clearly has a rather atypical view of life but

...the reason for that isn't your concern. Hopefully his art will come to something. He's hardly the first artist to refuse to give up and get a day job.

Yanbu

I'd give his sister a care package when she's in hospital- gorgeous smelling body lotion and body wash, something soft to snuggle and cover (eg pashmina), book, bed socks, eye mask, ear plugs, something to do (eg pack of cards) etc

But I wouldn't buy things for their hobby. Assuming it's quite an expensive hobby (?? Please tell!) then any gifts for it should be at birthdays and Christmases.

Flowers for when she's home from hospital and practical support if she needs it. Will go a lot further than a hobby gift.

Can you give me some money please?

@EmmaH2022I could but I don't want to. Sorry.

But does your DH actually want to give him money? I don't really understand why this is binging you so much angst - BIL asks and you (or ideally DH) say 'no'.

Why is it such a drama??

Myself and my partner are both artists. We both are full time artists now, but at the beginning we had part time jobs until we made the transition to full time. No hand outs to either of us and a lot of work, no holidays or downtime for years till we achieved our dream. I also was prepared to change careers if I didn’t ‘make it’ by ‘x’ age.

Yes those that don’t have a privileged background are disadvantaged in the arts in comparison to the mainly nouveau riche and aristo kids we went to art university with, whose parents paid for rent/house deposits, money to live on until they made it, but it is possible to make it on hard work alone.
He sounds like a CF. Don’t buy the wife stuff for their hobby. He’s taking the mick. You can support, but emotionally not financially.

What if I ask again and again and again? Please? My boyfriend is really ill and needs cheering up.

@EmmaH2022 then I keep saying "no sorry, no can do" and maybe ignore or mute the group chat for a few days. It's really not an issue.

He's a lazy bum. Whether or not you have money isn't relevant.

Anyway, he is almost 35 now and still thinks that his artistic career will take off and he will be found. It means he has never had a proper job

He does know that you can do your art and have a job that pays the bills as well they aren’t mutually exclusive.

Yep many artists didn't become really famous until dead so he could have a long wait.
Plenty to get on with in the meantime.

Your BIL is clearly a cf, but your main problem here is your DH. Your DH seems happy to use your money to subsidise a freeloader - a firm conversation is needed to make clear to your DH that this is not going to happen.

As for your BIL's requests, just ignore them. Don't dignify with a response and he'll get the message.

There hobby is there choice. If they wish to pursue it they can pay for it. Your not your BIL personal bank account. If he wants to fund these activities he can do it himself. I think I would ignore the message and check with his girlfriend if she needs anything like toiletries etc sent to her so she knows you will help.

If she's seriously ill , unless it's something she can do in bed I don't see how she would benefit. BIL is on the take.

You could support the GF directly, but do not indulge the BinL. I come from a family of creative artists; I work with professional creative workers & artists. They are hard-working, modest, and the very opposite of entitled. Your BiL is a fraud…

Send her a card and flowers.

Have a discussion with dh, these are the birthday and Christmas limits that we should spend on our family members. Aside from that the answers will be nooo!

I think that if one of our family had tried their hardest in life but had a disaster that we’d step in if needed, even paying off their mortgage rather than have them lose their house, but if someone has made the choice to be poor then that’s different.

Her illness is being used as an excuse to lever money, simply that. But once you start giving such sums, it’s not met with gratitude for generosity , it’s met with the continued expectation that more and more will be given.

Personal experience - MIL was bought a new runabout car (she’d been given 2nd hand-cars before) but an illness meant she could not drive it anymore. The car was handed over to SIL, (incidentally she and BIL are well off with successful businesses and annual 50k+ Index-linked trust-fund for life) but no thought of giving the car back to the relatives who bought it for MIL in the first place. SIL is the golden child of course and complains would rather have an SUV. She’s test-driven them and hinted about the one she wants to be given, as if those that gifted MIL cars are going to continue for her, but better cars!

I think make a care package for your SIL but go out of your way to fill it with nice things that your BIL can’t/won’t use.

She could easily buy one for cash, or for business, but expects it as a gift!