"People will always take care of me"

[Famalamabunfight]

This is my BIL's mantra (DH's brother). He genuinely believes it. He told my DF it and they hardly know each other. Anyway, he is almost 35 now and still thinks that his artistic career will take off and he will be found. It means he has never had a proper job.

About a month ago, my DS asked him to come over and DBIL responded that his car was in the shop but he could come if we sprang x for a new car (yes, this has been a thread before but I have name changed as this could be quite outing now). DH did shoot that down, though does believe he didn't really mean it. He believes he was just saying it in response to a question and the fact that he mentioned a specific amount of cash was perfectly usual.

Now DBIL's girlfriend is ill. She is genuinely ill and she genuinely needs quite a serious operation. BIL has posted on the family text chat about the timing of the op, and that if we wanted to show support he had a list of things we could buy him (no, sorry her lol lol) with regards to their hobby.

I personally find it all a bit much. DH thinks she's ill and he's just reaching out and that we should indulge him.

I am happy to be told AIBU - i know i can be very sensitive but that is because there has been somewhat of an expectation of us from his family that we might pay for this or that in the past so there is history.

For context the reason why we have money is a mixture of a good business and inheritance from my side. We are, realistically, the only ones who would have spare cash to do it.

Thoughts?

Cheeky f*er! Has be got no self respect?! If he wants a certain lifestyle he needs to man up get a job and pay for it himself.

I would however send flowers or maybe buy a voucher for a meal for his girlfriend who's poorly.

I am seriously ill at the moment (cancer) and undergoing some fairly intense treatment, but neither I, nor my husband, have asked for any money from family for my hobby! So there's your answer - be kind, offer lifts, make some meals etc but no don't give them money for their hobby. I bet his girlfriend is mortified at his grabby ways!

So spoke to MIL (a tree from which BIL hasn’t fallen fall from when it comes to presumptuousness) and the update is that the illness is worse than expected. However, the next procedure should be more precautionary than proactive.

She told me at least 3 times what a bad state BIL was in and asking how they were going to get through it.

Now, I do have sympathy as I have been there with bells on (hence the surprise child) but I don’t remember DH ever getting this amount of sympathy and we were married with a child when I was ill so it is mildly galling. Indeed, anything that happens to me with regards to post care is still met with a somewhat blank response and ‘well x has happened to y’. Sigh.

I’m due to have my gallbladder out. Can you buy me a horse, as that’s my hobby?

MIL was pushing for you to say “of course family(ie you and your DH) will help them get through it”

Best staying silent!

I would help out in other ways, perhaps a nice pair of PJs and some nice toiletries for her hospital stay. If you are local to them offer to take some meals once she is discharged or to hospital appointment for follow ups. If she is that ill she won't feel like doing anything with their joint hobby for a while. when she does get better review the situation then.

That's... odd. I'd send her some flowers after the op or some Cook meals but that would be it

I've got Psoriatic Arthritis and connective tissue disease.

I don't have a hobby, but I wouldn't mind developing one that involved month long cruises and collecting holiday homes.

Any chance of some help for a really nice, hardworking disabled woman?

Fucking knob needs to get a job, not choring off his brother's wife so he can fuck off and leave the sick girlfriend behind.

No way. Not a penny from me. Get an effing job mate. CF at its best.

I’d (pointedly) tell him your happy to visit and lend moral support

He's an entitled git and clearly his family have enabled him Put a stop to it NOW

Getting a little peeved now. Mentioned to DSIL the fact that it was good news that unlike for DH where treatment was absolutely necessary, this was a precaution. Any reference to my own issues, which aren’t resolved, were totally ignored. Just told that DBIL will need support in the coming days. My actual response was that yes I am sure that family will be able to chat when he needs. My inner thought was less polite.

Just say No. He is old enough to look out for himself. As long as others put their hands in their pockets, the leech will continue his parasitic relationship. Dump him.

I'd put firm boundaries into place, make certain that DH and I were on the same page, politely ignore any hints of suggestions of financial support, and be ready with a response for any more direct requests.

I'd be prepared to cut ties with people if they continued to pester me for money I wasn't willing to give, but recognise it may be different for your husband, as it's his flesh and blood, however infuriating they are.

I'm with all those who say this work-shy guy needs to get off his butt, get a job and stand on his own middle-aged feet. Your inheritance and hard-earned cash should be yours and not something CF lazy sods feel entitled to claim a share of.

If their hobby was something like doing jigsaw puzzles or sudoku, crosswords etc I might send a puzzle or puzzle book but otherwise I fail to see why you would ask for money for hobby stuff when ill - seems very odd. Your husband needs to stop thinking of YOUR inheritance as something for his freeloading relatives to snatch here and there. If his family are stupid enough to mollycoddle a 35-year-old man, give him pocket money, fall for regular sob stories and/or demands that's their lookout, but stand firm and make it clear sweet FA will be coming out of your money...his wages can be for hobbies when he gets a job - WTF should you pay for someone to do their hobbies unless it is for you, or maybe your husband or children . If he feels entitled to ask others to stump up for every whim now I'd nip it in the bud - imagine having to pay for everything in his old age or worse have him wanting to move in, have catering, cleaning & laundry services etc - unbelievable the damn nerve of some people.

I would find it a bit much too OP and it wouldn't endear me to BiL or my PiL. But he's your DH's brother and if DH wants to spend some money on baby-ing his brother he's entitled to do that if it isn't an unreasonable amount. Most people can be a bit soft on one thing or another. So long as it doesn't unreasonably take from household finances, just roll your eyes and tell DH it's his decision, but you are unimpressed.

Bring a casserole like anyone else! Htg some people are just ridiculous of what they expect from others

I've never heard of such cheek. 35 and still relying on others for his comfort? His g/f must be either mad or hard up if she puts up with that kind of sh*t.
They can't be in the UK...surely not. 🤔