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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is our marriage over? Please read

155 replies

moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:20

I left him last year due to him desperately needing help for issues of his past. We're talking really horrific things here. I couldn't deal with how he was anymore and I left.

I knew he wouldn't deal with it well and as suspected, he had a mental breakdown. He lost 2.5 stone in a matter of weeks. It was horrible to see but i had to let him hit rock bottom.

We separated for around 7 months, unfortunately around middle of this time, he had a fling with another woman. I was devastated but I had left him and although he was still desperately trying to fight for his marriage, I made it pretty clear we were over and he just pushed me away even further.

What hurt me the most was he put a picture of himself and OW on Facebook for my family and friends to see. Some of them had no idea we had separated and I got a lot of messages asking if I was ok, who was she, what had happened etc.

Fast forward to now, he's been in therapy for months, it's going really well, I can see a different side to him, he's dealing with issues from his past and I'm proud of him for this. We are not loving together but have spent the last few months trying to re build and see how it goes.

We have been doing a lot of talking, communicating really well I thought. However last night I told him about these messages I received off my family and friends regarding the picture on social media. I told him how one on my friends told me to 'get on tinder' basically as payback - to give him an idea of the pain I was feeling. I didn't do this, I didn't want to do this. It was just a throw away comment.

My husband has not reacted well to this at all. He demanded to know which of my friends had said this, he was really upset. He said no one knows his side of the story and how unwell he was. He really wasn't happy about this comment at all and it surprised me how bad he reacted.

He was absolutely in an awful place but he did choose to sleep with someone else, he did choose to put it on social media for everyone to see. It was never going to go down well with my family/friends! Of course it wasn't. They knew how absolutely broken I was also.

I feel he is over reacting to this. I don't know why he's being like this? Thoughts?

OP posts:
Ahgoonyegirlye · 22/06/2022 07:24

Move on. This relationship is over.

Echobelly · 22/06/2022 07:27

It's good he's dealing with his issues, but it doesn't mean you should be back together. You're not responsible for his feelings and however awful his background traumas are, you don't have to spend your life dealing with them given how high the price sounds. Tbh it sounds like it was over when you understandably left, and should remain so.

Porcupineintherough · 22/06/2022 07:27

You broke up for 7 months and didnt tell your family or friends, or explain why? That's very much on you.

If you were broken up then he didn't betray you, so no idea why your friend would care. You explained that to her at the time right? Equally, if you were broken up you were also a free agent, so his reaction now is ridiculous.

DinoWoman · 22/06/2022 07:28

What a miserable relationship. Please tell us you don't have children with this man?

CrystalCoco · 22/06/2022 07:29

He's being defensive because, despite the therapy, he hasn't really changed, he can't see 'cause and effect' - and he's unwilling to 'own his shit' and acknowledge that actions have consequences.
He doesn't see the situation through any other lens other than his own and it's all about him.
More therapy might help him see things from your / your friends perspective, at the moment he's getting all upset about a throw-away comment when the reality is, his actions were devastating.

ReneBumsWombats · 22/06/2022 07:30

I don't know why he's being like this? Thoughts?

My thought is that it isn't your problem any more.

However, if you need more: I think he was on the rebound and wanted to try to make you jealous, then you mentioned Tinder to try to make HIM jealous.

It's no longer anything you have to worry about.

Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:31

I love him very much, I didn't stop loving him when I left, I just knew he needed to help.

OP posts:
Bednobsbroomsticks · 22/06/2022 07:31

When you say he was really upset and reacted badly , what kind of behaviour are we talking about?

Weirdwonders · 22/06/2022 07:31

As I read it, you left him. Did he know you would come back? Breakdowns are shit and you weren’t there, you don’t get to control what he does once you’ve left. Leave him alone, it seems like the two of you will never just be able to enjoy the present.

forinborin · 22/06/2022 07:32

Are the issues you mentioned relate to violent behaviour / anger control? I think it would be unwise to tell him which of your friends have said that in this case.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 22/06/2022 07:33

It sounds like a very controlling double standard

the mask has slipped , pay attention!

Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:33

ReneBumsWombats · 22/06/2022 07:30

I don't know why he's being like this? Thoughts?

My thought is that it isn't your problem any more.

However, if you need more: I think he was on the rebound and wanted to try to make you jealous, then you mentioned Tinder to try to make HIM jealous.

It's no longer anything you have to worry about.

Absolutely not, I'm not into playing games like that. It wasn't to make him jealous. I told him about the tinder thing as he said he wouldn't blame me if i did go on dating sites etc which I didn't

OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 22/06/2022 07:33

It sounds like this relationship revolves around him - his mental health issues, his needs and wants. From what you've written there you deserve more. Find a relationship where you are as important and aren't constantly bending to whatever issues he's currently having. Also he made the decision to sleep with someone else despite knowing it would hurt you, he really doesn't sound like he cares about anything but himself.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 22/06/2022 07:34

So he has permission to sleep with another woman because he was in a bad place, but your relative who suggests you get yourself on tinder while he is flaunting his other women to your family is out of order? And this is at a time when he is “doing really well”?

and it sounds as if his terrible background is being used as an excuse for him being an intolerable partner.

he has a long way to go. Run for the hills.

Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:34

forinborin · 22/06/2022 07:32

Are the issues you mentioned relate to violent behaviour / anger control? I think it would be unwise to tell him which of your friends have said that in this case.

No nothing violent at all. He was just frustrated and upset

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 22/06/2022 07:35

CrystalCoco · 22/06/2022 07:29

He's being defensive because, despite the therapy, he hasn't really changed, he can't see 'cause and effect' - and he's unwilling to 'own his shit' and acknowledge that actions have consequences.
He doesn't see the situation through any other lens other than his own and it's all about him.
More therapy might help him see things from your / your friends perspective, at the moment he's getting all upset about a throw-away comment when the reality is, his actions were devastating.

Please reread this op. He hasn’t changed, not really.

WashMeThroughly · 22/06/2022 07:36

Echobelly · 22/06/2022 07:27

It's good he's dealing with his issues, but it doesn't mean you should be back together. You're not responsible for his feelings and however awful his background traumas are, you don't have to spend your life dealing with them given how high the price sounds. Tbh it sounds like it was over when you understandably left, and should remain so.

This is a very good post.

Babymamamama · 22/06/2022 07:36

You don’t sound right for each other. Why would you recount what a friend said to you back to him? Those kind of chats are not made for the partner to hear. Sometimes less is more. You have not really told us any reasons you’d stay with him. I have the impression he was misusing substances when he was “ill” is that part of the issue? Sorry if I’m off piste here. Maybe get some therapy yourself to work out why you are so secretive?

JuneJubilee · 22/06/2022 07:37

The guy is doing his best to deal with past trauma. Why in Gods name would you say that to him?

Babyboomtastic · 22/06/2022 07:37

Well you were on a break, he wasn't cheating on you, wasnt betraying you, you were both free agents at that time.

I don't see her did anything wrong with sleeping with her.

Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:39

Babymamamama · 22/06/2022 07:36

You don’t sound right for each other. Why would you recount what a friend said to you back to him? Those kind of chats are not made for the partner to hear. Sometimes less is more. You have not really told us any reasons you’d stay with him. I have the impression he was misusing substances when he was “ill” is that part of the issue? Sorry if I’m off piste here. Maybe get some therapy yourself to work out why you are so secretive?

No there were no drugs involved. No alcohol. He was just always very sad, very stressed and would take it out on me at times. He was never violent

OP posts:
Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:39

Babymamamama · 22/06/2022 07:36

You don’t sound right for each other. Why would you recount what a friend said to you back to him? Those kind of chats are not made for the partner to hear. Sometimes less is more. You have not really told us any reasons you’d stay with him. I have the impression he was misusing substances when he was “ill” is that part of the issue? Sorry if I’m off piste here. Maybe get some therapy yourself to work out why you are so secretive?

I'm also in therapy and have been for almost a year now

OP posts:
Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:40

Babyboomtastic · 22/06/2022 07:37

Well you were on a break, he wasn't cheating on you, wasnt betraying you, you were both free agents at that time.

I don't see her did anything wrong with sleeping with her.

Yes he hasn't cheated on me, I left him and he fell apart.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 22/06/2022 07:40

moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:31

I love him very much, I didn't stop loving him when I left, I just knew he needed to help.

Which is found outside of the relationship. You are not right for each other. If he has MH issues then he needs to be with someone who can cope with this. That isn’t you.

AquaticSewingMachine · 22/06/2022 07:40

My thoughts are that this is still all, and I mean all, about him and if you go back to him your marriage will revolve around his issues forevermore. Your job will be to fix and coddle him and his job will be to be coddled.

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