Is our marriage over? Please read

[moppyD]

I left him last year due to him desperately needing help for issues of his past. We're talking really horrific things here. I couldn't deal with how he was anymore and I left.

I knew he wouldn't deal with it well and as suspected, he had a mental breakdown. He lost 2.5 stone in a matter of weeks. It was horrible to see but i had to let him hit rock bottom.

We separated for around 7 months, unfortunately around middle of this time, he had a fling with another woman. I was devastated but I had left him and although he was still desperately trying to fight for his marriage, I made it pretty clear we were over and he just pushed me away even further.

What hurt me the most was he put a picture of himself and OW on Facebook for my family and friends to see. Some of them had no idea we had separated and I got a lot of messages asking if I was ok, who was she, what had happened etc.

Fast forward to now, he's been in therapy for months, it's going really well, I can see a different side to him, he's dealing with issues from his past and I'm proud of him for this. We are not loving together but have spent the last few months trying to re build and see how it goes.

We have been doing a lot of talking, communicating really well I thought. However last night I told him about these messages I received off my family and friends regarding the picture on social media. I told him how one on my friends told me to 'get on tinder' basically as payback - to give him an idea of the pain I was feeling. I didn't do this, I didn't want to do this. It was just a throw away comment.

My husband has not reacted well to this at all. He demanded to know which of my friends had said this, he was really upset. He said no one knows his side of the story and how unwell he was. He really wasn't happy about this comment at all and it surprised me how bad he reacted.

He was absolutely in an awful place but he did choose to sleep with someone else, he did choose to put it on social media for everyone to see. It was never going to go down well with my family/friends! Of course it wasn't. They knew how absolutely broken I was also.

I feel he is over reacting to this. I don't know why he's being like this? Thoughts?

I think you said what you said to him about Tinder to annoy him. And it worked so go you!
Why are you allowing your friends to talk about him like this? He didn't cheat on you, you left him. Why would you talk about revenge?
Why does he feel the need to bring your mother out & apologise? Especially, as you've mentioned you've had a shit childhood?

What he was doing was trying to save our marriage at the same time as sleeping with her which understandably was hard for me as we were still communicating on a daily basis

OP your bar must be so, so low to have actually written this sentence. Nobody genuinely fights for their marriage by having a fling

At the moment - no it's not worth it. This thread has re lighted my anger which was the last thing I wanted.

I've had many threads about him on here over the years. I was told so many times that he was abusive, he's controlling, he's a narcissist. When I left I went straight to womens aid for therapy and private therapy - I was that damaged. They confirmed what was all said on here.

However then he started to do all the things I always wanted him too - I wanted to give him a chance. A very cautious chance. I haven't and was never planning to live with him again. My therapist said it's quite rare what my husband has done, they rarely stick at therapy. They rarely make continuous efforts to change but that's what I was seeing. Until last night.

I just couldn't get over how frustrated he got over this. Especially because he was told the same by his work mates. The only difference is he did it. I didn't.

This thread has re lighted my anger which was the last thing I wanted

Why don't you want to be aware of your anger?

No absolutely not. The last thing I want to do is annoy him. It got brought up because he said 'I wouldn't of blamed you at all if you did go on dating sites' my reply was 'no I didn't do anything like that, my friend told me too but I wasn't interested'

That was the conversation and that's when he demanded to know who it was and to make sure he never sees that person - my best friend again.

Yet my best friend has been there for me through everything and knows that pain he has put me through and therefore found it completely disrespectful to put this picture up on social media when he was begging me to come home every day. Apparently you don't do that when you are trying to save your marriage.

Oh I was very aware of my anger. It disappeared when I thought I was seeing true changes in him.

Do you have children?

This is clearly very complicated on all levels. The photo was to get a reaction from you, whether he wants to admit it or not. Perhaps in his mental state he didn't think through the wider consequences.

But that doesn't mean it wasn't awful for you.

His reaction isn't about which friend said it, it's about the thought of you with someone else.

It reflects that he might have made progress but he's a long way from fixed

Don't heap the pressure of a relationship back on this. If it were me, I'd carry on building a friendship but with a mutual agreement that you won't pursue other relationships for six months. And then review how you all feel.

From the way you have described your feelings you are in no state to move on anyway so the best thing you can give each other is time

@CrystalCoco, Excellent post

Op, please read this again.

Your marriage broke up and whilst you thought he was devasted he still managed to get together with another woman and have enough of a relationship to post of SM. I doubt he painted himself as the broken man to her.

I know a man who deliberately turns up to see the Ex looking dishevelled as he wants to portray a victim image. It's far from the reality.

Over the past if he has not had empathy for you then therapy doesn't create empathy. It's there or it isn't.

I suspect his anger is because his image has been dented. He knows your friend is a true friend..I wonder if he will try to get her out of your life if you stay with him.

Although having seen your last update I don't think you should go back

So you left him, he hit rock bottom, was begging you daily to come home (which you clearly said no to) and in the context of that he had a fling and want discreet about it.

Well you can't have your cake and eat it. You can't refuse to get back together but expect fidelity.

There is no revenge to get. He didn't do anything wrong.

I don't think you need to get stuck on this reaction to the tinder comment. It may not be reasonable for him to get jealous over you, but jealousy doesn't usually follow reasonable patterns. He still has feelings for you, that's why he reacted- and you have said he has controlling behaviours, so it would make sense he might try and control that situation too.

None of this changes the overall situation. You've been unhappy together for ages, you left which was the right thing to do. After a long relationship, the emotions take ages to untangle and it can get messy. It is good that he seems to be engaging with therapy but that doesn't mean things have changed enough for you to get back together.

Ask yourself what you want from this split. Do you have a hope that he will change and you can get back together? Or do you want a life without him? The answer to that should guide your actions. Right now it sounds like you are still spending time with him and carrying his issues, that isn't much different from being with him and if you want to break free, you should just break free.

Thank you. I have always shown massive empathy towards him, he just struggles to have empathy for anyone else.

He doesn't know it was my best friend, I refused to tell him who it was. Which just made him more frustrated but I'm not having my friendship with my best friend out at stake because of him.

Wasn't discreet

And that's exactly the manipulation that abusers aim for. It's working a treat on you.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Your anger is your saviour. Don't silence it.

Run, run, run and do not waste another SECOND on this relationship. He will NOT change, it will NOT be what you expect it to be and it WILL all fall apart again.

It can either be hard now, or much much harder later.

It’s good you are angry. Stay angry! Use it to end this awful trap you are in.

The issue is nothing to do with Facebook or Tinder or who he shagged while he was trying to win you back/ prove his love/ show you how commited he was to making your relationship work. The real issue is that as you've identified in therapy yourself, you're are a massive people pleaser, and he's got all the traits to hone in on that and make the most of it. Both due to your past. Neither is the other's fault. It's time to accept that this is the case and move on. Yes, you seperated before but spending six hours a day with your ex weeping on your shoulder isn't moving on. It's remaining massively enmeshed in the bullshit.

You have had confirmation from Womens' Aid and your therapist that this was/is an abusive relationship. He's shown you very clearly and repeatedly exactly who he is, and you still think that you can love him better. You can't and you will waste your life trying if you let that happen.

OP. It’s fantastic that he is open to, going to and benefiting from his therapy. This situation (the OW, the public announcement, and now the reaction to you sharing your hurt over it) is something he should work on with his therapist. It’s likely all very much connected. And honestly, you should probably be seeing a therapist too…. A relationship with someone with severe trauma is a BIG drain on you. And a break down of a relationship. I say this as someone who has suffered deep deep trauma and has seen first hand (at my hand) the effect it has on every relationship you have. I have been incredibly lucky that my husband had supported and loved and waited for me to work through it all. It’s taken 4 years of therapy and personal work to feel like a ‘Normal’ person.

7 months is great. It shows consistency and commitment but he is not ‘cured’. He is likely not through it, not finished. He has not learned to never succumb to his old ways of thinking, behaving, reacting. That type of thing takes years and lots and lots of hard work. His reaction now is not rational. But he is right about one thing. No one knew how ill he was and his behaviour, reaction and actions were probably the results of his situation. To judge him from the perspective of a person without his situation is, IMO unfair.

Ultimately it is up to you if you relationship is over. This is nothing to do with your friends or family. And no one else can tell you that he has past the point of no return. Try to be sympathetic and empathetic. He is doing his best and if you want the relationship to work, you have to decide what your limit is.

Why did he feel the need to take your mother out to apologise to her?

If you do plan to get back together, it has to be on terms in which he is not child to your adult and you don't have to mask your legitimate feelings because he had a worse childhood than you did. So he has to acknowledge that you have every right to be angry and distressed by his actions because your feelings are always as valid as his. You can't move forward unless he can gain sufficient emotional maturity to accept this. (Well, you can, you can be like my mum and devote an entire life to pandering to a bullying, self-pitying narc, but do you want to?)

How do you feel now, months later, that he had a fling with another woman?

because from where I stand if he really thoroughly loved you and wanted you back I doubt he’d have had a fling AND essentially gloated about it posting a picture online.

it’s one thing in the midst of a breakdown to seek out comfort eg a fling, one night stand and this is understandable given the circumstances of your break up (to a point) and another entirely to do that then tell your world what they’re up to despite claiming to love you and want you back.

and as a previous poster said his reaction isn’t understanding of you and the pain he put you through by having a fling, by putting you in the position you HAD to leave him.

id bet my last penny you are still grieving for the husband you thought you had - capable, would get his shit together no matter what and not the husband you have - wouldn’t sort his shit until you were leaving and even when he had ‘lost’ you didn’t care enough about your feelings even now post therapy.

you can love him and this relationship still he can not be the right person for you.

I don’t think he is and you’ve both, certainly you given you’re posting here asking something you already know is true, changed massively. You’re not the person you were when you left. neither is he.

I think you may have missed a very nice chance to move on there, why to return to the same he’ll plus added “affair”?

It is over, unless you want things to end in much worse terms.

It's over, get out, move on.

because from where I stand if he really thoroughly loved you and wanted you back I doubt he’d have had a fling

I agree with this. You having said 'It's over' would have left him in bits for months, if he really did love you. He wouldn't have said 'Oh, smashing, I'll go play hide the sausage, then!'

So you left him becaue of his abuse and now your back together, because he has 'changed' yet he is now in a rage because your best friend made a negative comment about him (which was likely justified)

Does not look like he has changed to me. Many abusive men never change, and always go back to their old patterns. Its a shame you did not move on.

I think you should just let this relationship go.

There's an ocean gone under the bridge. You have tried to help him. He needs to help himself.

Lots of people have a shit childhood and don't treat their partner like this.

Move on for your own sanity.