Is our marriage over? Please read

[moppyD]

I left him last year due to him desperately needing help for issues of his past. We're talking really horrific things here. I couldn't deal with how he was anymore and I left.

I knew he wouldn't deal with it well and as suspected, he had a mental breakdown. He lost 2.5 stone in a matter of weeks. It was horrible to see but i had to let him hit rock bottom.

We separated for around 7 months, unfortunately around middle of this time, he had a fling with another woman. I was devastated but I had left him and although he was still desperately trying to fight for his marriage, I made it pretty clear we were over and he just pushed me away even further.

What hurt me the most was he put a picture of himself and OW on Facebook for my family and friends to see. Some of them had no idea we had separated and I got a lot of messages asking if I was ok, who was she, what had happened etc.

Fast forward to now, he's been in therapy for months, it's going really well, I can see a different side to him, he's dealing with issues from his past and I'm proud of him for this. We are not loving together but have spent the last few months trying to re build and see how it goes.

We have been doing a lot of talking, communicating really well I thought. However last night I told him about these messages I received off my family and friends regarding the picture on social media. I told him how one on my friends told me to 'get on tinder' basically as payback - to give him an idea of the pain I was feeling. I didn't do this, I didn't want to do this. It was just a throw away comment.

My husband has not reacted well to this at all. He demanded to know which of my friends had said this, he was really upset. He said no one knows his side of the story and how unwell he was. He really wasn't happy about this comment at all and it surprised me how bad he reacted.

He was absolutely in an awful place but he did choose to sleep with someone else, he did choose to put it on social media for everyone to see. It was never going to go down well with my family/friends! Of course it wasn't. They knew how absolutely broken I was also.

I feel he is over reacting to this. I don't know why he's being like this? Thoughts?

I've always been very much camp Ross 'we were on a break'.

The question of getting back together or not must be answered on merit of behaviour while you were together, and on what has been done since to address the problems. But hooking up with someone else while you were not together is nothing wrong.

You seem more concerned about being seen as the innocent party than your own feelings.

You and your partner can carry on arguing forever about who is right and who is wrong but neither of you will ever win.

If you want to be happy in the future you should not be in contact with this man.

Okay, fair enough. And yet.....he is upset that Op's friend suggested she go on Tinder. Why does his upset trump hers, when in fact he is the one who slept with someone and the Op didn't? He's a grade A manipulator and the narrative to his whole life will be "poor meeeeeeee".

So he had a breakdown but was able to manage a fling?

Leave him and his issues in your past. I had a horrendous childhood but have never inflicted the pain it caused me onto others, especially those I love. You're making excuses for him and enabling him, sorry.

It's great that he's dealing with his issues, but it sounds like this relationship is long-over.

It was cruel of you to repeat your friends dumb tinder comment. People say all sorts of things to try and get a laugh out of a mate, but you don't necessarily go back and use it against your partner. Especially when you are trying to repair the relationship.

You left him, to force him into sorting himself out and getting help. He got help, in the arms of another woman.

This'll be your life now. Mopping up his emotions and dancing around him. Not worth it.

This all sounds beyond tedious. If you’ve dragged kids in to this shitshow (you’ve refused to answer this?) you are both disgraceful. Spare them the trauma.

The only point of a relationship is that it’s meant to be fun. It’s meant to enhance your life. You said you’ve written many threads about this bloke, and you went to women’s aid, and now you’re back with him, writing another thread. Where does this end? What do you hope to get from the threads?

What I've learnt from my therapy is nothing has ever been about me. My dad I have now realised was abusive (something I'm trying to deal with as well as all this) and it's left me with zero self esteem and trying to please people all the time in order to feel love.

Since I've left, I've worked with womens aid, still continuing with my therapy, I work with a womens charity every Friday, I'm doing a course on mindfulness, I've completed one on self esteem. I go to groups and meet women who also struggle each week. I've had tattoos to mark things which are important to me, changed the way I look, improved my physical health - im actually really proud of my self on how far I have come! And for the last few months especially (he's been in therapy longer than that) he's been doing it too. It's been nice to see.

But evidently everything still lies underneath and it always will. He knows how much damage he has caused me and us.

When he finally started to take accountability for everything, when he grieved for what he needed to grieve for, when he made the difficult choices he has needed to do for such a long time....it was very difficult for me to not grow closer to him and give him a chance.

Despite the fact that it's clearly not going to work, I'm actually happy that I did because at least I now know that despite the therapy, despite the positive changes he has made, it's not enough to save our marriage. If that's not enough then nothing will be. I'm glad I know this as otherwise I probably would of always wondered 'what if'

I'm proud of the progress he is making - I feel it's helpful for me to know that his can't save our marriage though.

@moppyD He's brought up the online dating thing hinting for info from you. If you would of said you had been OLD he wouldn't of been happy or understanding in the slightest in my opinion. It sounds like it's all about his needs and problems and he's using you as emotional comfort.
He isn't interested in your needs or wants. Get out now and start fresh. Just be aware he could try some manipulative tactics but he's got you right where he wants you at the moment. It's time for you to be selfish.
Obviously I don't know you or him but from everything I have read I think there's a good chance what I'm saying here is true.

Apologies, I have not refused to answer, it's just something I have missed. We have no dcs together. He has children who I have a great bond with.

He was convinced I was also having a fling when he was. I have not even spoken to another man during our time apart and had to convince him of this. I then found out he was doing it all along. That time was very very toxic.

Do you get anything out of this relationship, that isn't riddled with angst?

When did you last :

Go out for a meal?

Go to the cinema?

Go abroad on a lovely holiday?

Go out for cocktails?

Have a right belly laugh together?

Go on an adventure together?

Get treated by him, to something nice?

Have some lovely sex?

Enjoy a nice stroll in the woods?

Snuggle on the sofa in your PJ's with some wine and snacks and watch some good TV?

?????

After my ex husband had an affair and it came out, the thing that bothered him the most was other people talking about HIM not me - HIMSELF. This says it all. It is all about them.

You left him and repeatedly told him, despite his desperate pleas to save his marriage, that your marriage was over.

Therefore he did nothing wrong by seeing someone else, or by posting a picture on social media. His self-esteem was wrecked, in part because you'd dumped him. Why shouldn't he try and learn to be single again by having a fling, given that you had told him it was over? It was not his problem that you hadn't told your family and friends - that's entirely on you. You made a decision to leave him but apparently didn't want to face any of the consequences of that.

Given that you left him, watched him have a mental and physical breakdown as a result and 'made it pretty clear' that your relationship was over, I really don't think you are in any position to be raking up how hurt your feelings were during that time. You left him and told him things were over. Not asking for time apart or a break. You said your marriage was over. And then the moment he accepted that and met someone else, you were jealous. You left him because he was unhappy and 'sad all the time' but then realised you would actually rather he was sad on his own than happy without you.

Why on earth would you then rake this shit up again by telling him about how hurt your feelings were and how all your mates thought he was a right shit and that you should join Tinder as revenge? How would you feel if you'd been ditched because you were broken by childhood trauma, had a full-on breakdown as a result of that break-up, and then blamed by the very person who ditched you for the consequences of THEIR decision to end your marriage?

You are damaging for each other. This is not a healthy relationship for either of you.

I can tell you that it takes more than a bit of therapy to deal with this kind of problem.
I have Complex PTSD from abuse and neglect in childhood and decided not to have any more relationships because they cause huge anxiety and stress.
I can just about manage a normal life and job as a single woman.
His problems could be managed but it's going to take years of hard work and still might not work. Are you up for that?

Go out for a meal was on Saturday, we've had 2 weekends away together. Can't afford to go abroad unfortunately. The cinema was a few weeks ago. We laughed on Saturday as we went away for the weeks and went to a theme park. He works away and buys me flowers when he comes home each week. Lovely sex - Friday and Saturday.

As I say, we don't live together but we have made a conscious effort to start dating again and it's been lovely. But also evidently....quite a waste of time.

Nah, he wasn’t convinced. He concocted a story you ‘allow’ him to have a fling ‘guilt free’

again if he wanted you back he wouldn’t have engaged in petty tit for tat or whatever excuse he is coming up with.

if you love someone you don’t fuck someone else to make them love you back.

He posted the other woman photos on FB etc. Of course people would notice and ask you questions. He’s obviously feeling embarrassed and insecure and hadn’t realised there are others who know what’s happened. While you probably didn’t need to tell him all the detail, he needs to learn to deal with consequences. Suggest he talks to his therapist. But keep your distance, especially while you are both in therapy - you might come out of this and feel like moving on, so maybe look after yourself a but more.

Now I have seen you have no DCs together I can answer that yes, I do think it's over. It sounds exhausting and as a PP has identified, simply not fun.

There was no need for him to put the picture on SM, he did it to show off or hurt you, not cool at all.

I would honestly continue your therapy and find the happiness you deserve with someone else, especially as his reaction to the Tinder comment shows he hasn't changed enough.

You are unreasonable to think that a few months of therapy would change someone drastically. You know how alcoholics are still addicts even though they haven't had a drink in years? He will always be damaged by his past experiences. I suspect that some of the changes you've seen is the person he projects to the outside world and that he's behaving because he a trying to win you back. If you weren't dating then he'd be the same old guy towards a different woman.

I think you shouldn't have reconciled with him. He's clearly unable to think about anybody else's needs but his own which is a terrible trait in a relationship. Even though you say you aren't together, you are investing more time and effort than a friend would and being taken advantage of again. His outburst is his mask slipping. That is the true him and while possibly not his fault, it's not your problem either. You need to realise that you can't fix him and maybe he will heal faster out of a relationship. (Don't they advise people in rehab not to be in a relationship for 1 year afterwards?)

You are forgetting that your needs matter as much as his. It sounds like you are still centring him because you feel sorry for him. That's a very unhealthy relationship.

Like I said, I have been putting his needs before my own for as long as I remember. It got to a point where I was feeling so low, I went to him for help and I was shouted at. He didn't want to know

This is fundamentally who is he. He won’t change. It will always be you giving and him taking.

Please get our now. Stop making the main focus of your life fixing him.

Take all that love, attention, money and energy that you have poured out on him and spent it on yourself.

I dunno, OP. I can't get past the incongruity of him supposedly fighting for his marriage at the same time he's sleeping with someone else and posting pictures about it. If you're really trying to save your marriage, why on earth would you do that?

I completely agree. Plus he accused you of seeing other men! Repellent behaviour.

The changes I saw in him, the effort I saw him putting in - not just to me but to his life also. There were many many things that I just thought 'yes! He's finally getting somewhere!' And also sticking to these things - these weren't just words, they were proper actions and it still remains now. In so many ways, he's a different person. He's looking after himself. He looks healthy, he's so much more happier to be around. We laugh now like we never had done before.

He describes it as a pick up truck. It's been full and overflowing for years. Through therapy, he's learning to empty it and he feels lighter than he ever has.

So yeah....I'll never forget what he did but I almost thought if it was going to get us to a more positive place then it would be something I just had to do. I also do have to remember that he didn't cheat. And while he treated me appallingly, i did leave and I did push him away. My friends also tell me this also while they
seeing it from my side too and I do get that.

I still love my ex, always will. He was/is the love of my life but we were/are not meant to be together. I am much happier without him.

WRT seeing someone else. I don't see the problem. You were separated and he was quite entitled to see someone else if he wanted to. Whether he was ready or not mentally is really no one else's business but his.

I feel this is the same. How easy was it to accept and move on from?