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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is our marriage over? Please read

155 replies

moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:20

I left him last year due to him desperately needing help for issues of his past. We're talking really horrific things here. I couldn't deal with how he was anymore and I left.

I knew he wouldn't deal with it well and as suspected, he had a mental breakdown. He lost 2.5 stone in a matter of weeks. It was horrible to see but i had to let him hit rock bottom.

We separated for around 7 months, unfortunately around middle of this time, he had a fling with another woman. I was devastated but I had left him and although he was still desperately trying to fight for his marriage, I made it pretty clear we were over and he just pushed me away even further.

What hurt me the most was he put a picture of himself and OW on Facebook for my family and friends to see. Some of them had no idea we had separated and I got a lot of messages asking if I was ok, who was she, what had happened etc.

Fast forward to now, he's been in therapy for months, it's going really well, I can see a different side to him, he's dealing with issues from his past and I'm proud of him for this. We are not loving together but have spent the last few months trying to re build and see how it goes.

We have been doing a lot of talking, communicating really well I thought. However last night I told him about these messages I received off my family and friends regarding the picture on social media. I told him how one on my friends told me to 'get on tinder' basically as payback - to give him an idea of the pain I was feeling. I didn't do this, I didn't want to do this. It was just a throw away comment.

My husband has not reacted well to this at all. He demanded to know which of my friends had said this, he was really upset. He said no one knows his side of the story and how unwell he was. He really wasn't happy about this comment at all and it surprised me how bad he reacted.

He was absolutely in an awful place but he did choose to sleep with someone else, he did choose to put it on social media for everyone to see. It was never going to go down well with my family/friends! Of course it wasn't. They knew how absolutely broken I was also.

I feel he is over reacting to this. I don't know why he's being like this? Thoughts?

OP posts:
Notbeinfunnehbut · 22/06/2022 08:34

TheAverageUser · 22/06/2022 07:33

It sounds like this relationship revolves around him - his mental health issues, his needs and wants. From what you've written there you deserve more. Find a relationship where you are as important and aren't constantly bending to whatever issues he's currently having. Also he made the decision to sleep with someone else despite knowing it would hurt you, he really doesn't sound like he cares about anything but himself.

This ,great post

SparkleShot · 22/06/2022 08:37

He thinks he's the main character.
In your life, in your friends' lives, in your family's lives.

Taking your mum out for tearful apologies = YES, he's got the sympathy, attention, focus.
Confronting your friends = YES, more attention and drama, and he gets to feel like a victim.
Quietly getting on with therapy = NO! Not enough people paying attention, only acceptable if it is also the main focus of your life.

MaJoady · 22/06/2022 08:37

Oligodendrocyte · 22/06/2022 08:13

I think I'm reading a different thread to most PP, because I cannot see how your husband has done anything wrong.

You left him when he needed you. Said you couldn't cope with him and you wanted him to hit rock bottom. Which he did. He tried to fight for you to stay.

Well, he started to get up from the bottom and started therapy. Given his wife had left him and made it clear you were over, he started seeing someone. That you hadn't bothered to tell any of your friends and family that you'd left him, is on you. You've made it awkward for him, because they think he's cheated on you and he hasn't - you were on a break. I don't know why you would let them think that, and why you didn't correct your friend, and then I really can't understand why you would say that to him.

You should separate, he needs someone who doesn't make it about them, who will be there and care, who doesn't play childish games. That isn't you.

I cannot disagree more with this.

Women are not here to fix men's problems.

Yes, both parties should work at a relationship and support each other. But supporting also takes it's toll on the supporter and one party cannot be expected to be in that role permanently, without appreciation or understanding from the other.

OP, the best thing you did for yourself was leave him. There is also a risk, that getting back together will actually delay his recovery: by repeating past detrimental relationship patterns

OurChristmasMiracle · 22/06/2022 08:41

Being blunt about this- you split up for a good reason and should have stayed that way. The relationship wasn’t working- as you’ve said it was never about you- clearly shows your needs emotionally weren’t being met- potentially because of his mental health- however this doesn’t mean you have to stay- at some point if nothing is changing you have to leave. It’s good he’s got help but he needs to do this for himself not for your relationship to resume.

I think it is honestly the end of the road and you would both be happier and get your needs met better separately.

SmartCarDriver · 22/06/2022 08:50

JuneJubilee · 22/06/2022 07:37

The guy is doing his best to deal with past trauma. Why in Gods name would you say that to him?

Because in the present, he had sex and plastered it all over SM. OP is allowed to feel fucking upset and to do whatever she wants to stop him destroying her. She was trying to explain the pain she felt, was th "how would you feel".

Aprilx · 22/06/2022 08:53

You broke up with him! He can do what he likes and she wasn’t the “OW” because you had broken up with him, hard luck on you that you decided not to tell anyone, that is not his fault. And then you drop hints at getting your own back when you are apparently working on things. I am not surprised he was upset. I think you are the one who has behaved badly here.

But I also agree that you should end this and both of you move on, it sounds like a terrible relationship.

Lovemusic33 · 22/06/2022 08:57

Having a rubbish past however awful it was is no excuse to treat someone badly, please don’t feel sorry for him, he had a choice in how he treated you, it wasn’t his past making him do it.

My ex blamed his past all the time, he blamed it for throwing things at me, for sexually abusing me and for verbally abusing me, eventually I left and within a few weeks he had cringed on to someone new and was posting photos of them together all over social media, weird because a week before he was telling me how he could not live without me and would never love again…blah..blah…blahh.

Do not go back to this man, you will regret it, he will always have excuses for his behaviour.

Backtothefuture1908 · 22/06/2022 09:02

You broke up with him Op. It's on you to let other people know what your situation was.

Also, you make it out that he did something wrong by sleeping with some else but he didn't.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 22/06/2022 09:02

So, let me get this right?

When you were on a break :

He sought out another woman, and actually had sex with her (several times), thought enough of the relationship to post pictures of them together on social media, even though this would be breaking the news of your separation to lots of people....

Whereas

You didn't sleep with anyone else, however one of your friends said perhaps you should go on Tinder.....

And YOU are the villain of the peice? And he is the one upset?

Jeezo, it's all about him, isn't it?

Can't you see how manipulative he is? He's got you tied in knots, when he is the one who did far worse.

Stay with him and you'll have a lifetime of misery.

Find a lovely bubbly guy, who doesn't have so many ishoooooos

Triffid1 · 22/06/2022 09:06

@Blusteryday101 and @TortugaRumCakeQueen have t right. At the end of the day, of course he had the right to sleep with someone else but he does NOT have the right to have a melt down because one of your friends suggested that you should do the same. It sounds like nothing has changed - it's all about him and his issues. He feels guilty and bad and horrible and YOU must forgive him, let him cry on your shoulder and never ever have any emotions of your own.

Take this as a sign that therapy might be helping him but he's nowhere near ready for a proper relationship with you.

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 09:06

I needed to see the changes and I absolutely have been - he's like a different person in so many ways. Until last night

So that's it then. You needed to see consistent changes, and he can't implement them. The 'new him' has already upset you. This is how it goes, OP. Promises are easy. Consistent changed behaviour is hard. He's giving you all the words you need to hear, and he's trying to give you what you want, but he can't.

You need to accept this. Why are you even back with him if you'd made it so clear to him that your relationship is over?

Your happiness is your own responsibility. If you want to be happy, don't invest in people who mess you up.

billy1966 · 22/06/2022 09:08

ThreeRingCircus · 22/06/2022 08:27

OP you're in the thick of it so you can't step back and see it for what it is but this relationship is over. Proper relationships aren't this complicated, stressful and emotionally fraught all the time.

You have already made the break, it clearly is not going to work so this does need to be a permanent break for both of your sakes.

This.

He may be doing some work on himself but he is still the same man.

You were years his punching bag and he gave you another taste last night.

Move forward with your life not backwards.

Be brave.
Your marriage is better over.
I think you know that.

Protect yourself from this cycle with him.

SausageAndCash · 22/06/2022 09:14

It’s good that he is getting help and it is making a difference.

But it sounds as if you have approached the idea of rebuilding your marriage much too soon in the process.

He is still focussed on him and his needs.

Have you considered counselling support over your upset and role in all this?

It is very hard and not without cost to you to be in a relationship with a damaged person. It will have had a massive impact on you.

I had a long relationship with someone who had grown up with abandonment and physical abuse. For 8 years the dynamic was that he did not believe that I (anyone) could love him unconditionally, so he would do things so that he could ‘prove’ that I didn’t actually love him. I would say ‘I don’t love that thing you did but I do love you’ and things would settle for a short while until he would do something worse ‘NOW we will see that you don’t love me!’.

It affected my friendships, family and job. In the end I sought therapy for ME.

It may be that in the end you can rebuild. It may be that he rebuilds himself and one or the other of you feel that your wants and needs have changed so you are no longer compatible. It may be that he can’t heal in the way that makes your relationship ok. Or that you realise that caring for him, being the person that could make him whole again, was part of the dynamic. Or that you are still his whipping boy.

Too soon to tell.

Step right back until he is further forward. And talk it all through with a therapist of your own, in parallel.

Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 09:17

I agree with everyone saying that he didn't do anything wrong sleeping with another woman as he was single. He didn't cheat. What he was doing was trying to save our marriage at the same time as sleeping with her which understandably was hard for me as we were still communicating on a daily basis.

As for not telling friends - I was and still an off social media. I had closed myself off from everyone and everything, I didn't have the strength to tell people it was over. Maybe my fault but I was just getting through it the best I could.

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 22/06/2022 09:18

@TortugaRumCakeQueen but they weren't on a break. The OP had ended the relationship and dumped the guy. Told him, despite his attempts at reconciliation, that they would not he getting back together. He was completely free to have a fling. And he is not responsible for the fact the OP chose not to tell her friends or family she had ended her relationship. It had been months, he probably assumed they knew. And anyway, nothing to do with him anyway since his partner had dumped him.

That all said, sounds like the OP was right to end the relationship and going back will just lead to more misery

Meraas · 22/06/2022 09:21

We separated for around 7 months, unfortunately around middle of this time, he had a fling with another woman. I was devastated but I had left him and although he was still desperately trying to fight for his marriage

He fought desperately hard for his marriage by having a fling?

Fushiadreams · 22/06/2022 09:22

I also can’t see he has done anything wrong, the issue here is you didn’t tell anyone you were seperated and you clearly didn’t explain it properly when the image appeared either. You could easily have said oh we split up four months ago so it’s fine he is dating someone else. Instead you were clearly making out he was in the wrong, hence the tinder comment,and you clearly still have issues with the fact he had a brief relationship with someone else as that’s why you told him about the tinder comment.

for me, this one Is on you and he is right, clearly people don’t know his side of the story.

FlimFlamJimJams · 22/06/2022 09:23

This sounds like a horrifically difficult relationship to rekindle - when you could be far happier and more at peace by yourself, or dating other people.

You need to ask yourself - is this worth it? Would you date this man if you didn't already feel bound to him? Knowing his past behaviour (but being disconnected from it) - would you choose to be with him?

FlimFlamJimJams · 22/06/2022 09:25

If you had ended the relationship though - you should have told your friends and family.
You clearly expected to get back together, so didn't actually make the "social" steps of the break up.
Huge mixed messages for him.

11Hawkins · 22/06/2022 09:26

I think you gave him mixed signals.

If you spilt up he was more than entitled to have a "fling" or move on his life with a new relationship. You wasn't together.

7eleven · 22/06/2022 09:27

The marriage is over, whether you stay together or not.

11Hawkins · 22/06/2022 09:27

Pressed send to soon.

It's your own fault you didn't tell people you spilt up. I would tell these people the truth. Your husband has done nothing wrong. You kept it quiet, he didn't.

Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 09:29

Fushiadreams · 22/06/2022 09:22

I also can’t see he has done anything wrong, the issue here is you didn’t tell anyone you were seperated and you clearly didn’t explain it properly when the image appeared either. You could easily have said oh we split up four months ago so it’s fine he is dating someone else. Instead you were clearly making out he was in the wrong, hence the tinder comment,and you clearly still have issues with the fact he had a brief relationship with someone else as that’s why you told him about the tinder comment.

for me, this one Is on you and he is right, clearly people don’t know his side of the story.

What I said was there was some of my family and family didn't know. The ones closest to me did. I lived to my family members house when I left.

The tinder comment came from my best friend who was angry and hurt for me. She was angry that despite everything I had done for him before and after I left, he still had little respect for me by plastering a picture of him and her all over social media. He knew I was absolutely devastated at the fact that I had spent the majority of my time since I left running around after him, going round on a night when he said he was suicidal. He really put me through it when I left him. It was still all about him.

Sadly I think that's the part that won't change. Life will always be about him and I saw that yesterday. I now feel all this new part of him is just an act

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 09:29

Your husband has done nothing wrong

He treats her poorly and she's spent the last few years dealing with his issues at the expense of her own psychological state.

What he's done wrong isn't sleeping with someone else, it's maintaining a relationship with OP when he's clearly not capable. If he loved her, he'd pull away and let her live her life.

magaluf1999 · 22/06/2022 09:32

Facing up to what he did in the past was always going to be uncomfortable. He is uncomfortable. But he has to face it to
Move forward and rebuild his relationship and his life. Pandering or protecting him from this wont help anyone!

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