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Original poster

Is our marriage over? Please read

155 replies

moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:20

I left him last year due to him desperately needing help for issues of his past. We're talking really horrific things here. I couldn't deal with how he was anymore and I left.

I knew he wouldn't deal with it well and as suspected, he had a mental breakdown. He lost 2.5 stone in a matter of weeks. It was horrible to see but i had to let him hit rock bottom.

We separated for around 7 months, unfortunately around middle of this time, he had a fling with another woman. I was devastated but I had left him and although he was still desperately trying to fight for his marriage, I made it pretty clear we were over and he just pushed me away even further.

What hurt me the most was he put a picture of himself and OW on Facebook for my family and friends to see. Some of them had no idea we had separated and I got a lot of messages asking if I was ok, who was she, what had happened etc.

Fast forward to now, he's been in therapy for months, it's going really well, I can see a different side to him, he's dealing with issues from his past and I'm proud of him for this. We are not loving together but have spent the last few months trying to re build and see how it goes.

We have been doing a lot of talking, communicating really well I thought. However last night I told him about these messages I received off my family and friends regarding the picture on social media. I told him how one on my friends told me to 'get on tinder' basically as payback - to give him an idea of the pain I was feeling. I didn't do this, I didn't want to do this. It was just a throw away comment.

My husband has not reacted well to this at all. He demanded to know which of my friends had said this, he was really upset. He said no one knows his side of the story and how unwell he was. He really wasn't happy about this comment at all and it surprised me how bad he reacted.

He was absolutely in an awful place but he did choose to sleep with someone else, he did choose to put it on social media for everyone to see. It was never going to go down well with my family/friends! Of course it wasn't. They knew how absolutely broken I was also.

I feel he is over reacting to this. I don't know why he's being like this? Thoughts?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 07:41

moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:31

I love him very much, I didn't stop loving him when I left, I just knew he needed to help.

It doesn't matter that you love him. It's not a reason to stay. He's treating you like shit, and you need to get out and have a look at why you've been having these feelings for someone who treats you so badly.

Blusteryday101 · 22/06/2022 07:41

He is being entirely unreasonable op. He did sleep with someone else, while supposedly fighting for a reconciliation, and he posted about it and embarrassed you, and you are rightly upset about that in the circumstances. And presumably he expects you to understand and forgive and forget?

And yet, your friend just suggesting that you start looking for other relationships without you actually doing anything, is enough to make him "not react well"? Talk about double standards!

I would not be happy about this to put it mildly . It demonstrates a complete inability to see anyone pov but his own. Don't let him make you second guess yourself Flowers

PearPickingPorky · 22/06/2022 07:42

CrystalCoco · 22/06/2022 07:29

He's being defensive because, despite the therapy, he hasn't really changed, he can't see 'cause and effect' - and he's unwilling to 'own his shit' and acknowledge that actions have consequences.
He doesn't see the situation through any other lens other than his own and it's all about him.
More therapy might help him see things from your / your friends perspective, at the moment he's getting all upset about a throw-away comment when the reality is, his actions were devastating.

This.

He's flipped out at the mere suggestion by your friend that, since he had thrown in the towel on your relationship by moving on to another woman, publicly, you should too. Your friend said it so that you could move on and have some pleasure in your future too. This has made him very angry, because he thinks you are meant to absorb his poor treatment of you while remaining devoted to him. You're a service human to him, not a person in your own right.

He hasn't a leg to stand on with this. You were split up, he'd moved on and intentionally made a big show of doing it on Facebook to drive a reaction from you and your family and friends. Your friend suggested you move on too. You didn't (more fool you, tbh), yet he now gets to punish you as if you did?

Weirdwonders · 22/06/2022 07:43

The man has clearly got issues. Leave him alone to deal with them and find love and stop making things worse. 2.5 stone weight loss, rock bottom and a breakdown and it’s still all about you.

Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:44

Thank you all - I have to say I do regret saying what I have but I didn't expect it to be a big deal as his work friends also told him to do the same when I left! Get on tinder, have one night stands etc...

He is absolutely full of regret on how he's treated me. He's cried, he's apologised many many times. He's taken my mum out for a meal to apologise to her, he's tried to re build relationships with members of my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:45

Weirdwonders · 22/06/2022 07:43

The man has clearly got issues. Leave him alone to deal with them and find love and stop making things worse. 2.5 stone weight loss, rock bottom and a breakdown and it’s still all about you.

It's not all about me, that was the issue in the first place. Life was never about me.

OP posts:
litlealligator · 22/06/2022 07:48

Can't believe no one has posted this yet...

YOU WERE ON A BREAK.

He didn't do anything wrong. If you didn't tell your family and friends about being separated, then any awkwardness is on you. You were separated for months, he had a fling with someone else and put a picture up on social media and you're trying to make it the crime of the century? She's not the 'Other Woman' she's just an other woman.

Luckingfovely · 22/06/2022 07:49

You are so wrapped up in this that you can't see it clearly at all.

He hasn't changed really - his reaction proves that. Crocodile tears are just a ploy to get what he wants.

You can go back to him, but I suspect it'll be a pretty miserable life lived entirely by his whims and moods.

I would properly separate yourself from him - live your own life and stop focusing your entire being around him.

Imo - yes, it's over. Look forward, not back.

Luckingfovely · 22/06/2022 07:50

Also this whole thing about tinder and who said what is just too juvenile for words. Tit for tat games that belong in a playground not a marriage. No real relationship is based on those foundations.

LuaDipa · 22/06/2022 07:54

CrystalCoco · 22/06/2022 07:29

He's being defensive because, despite the therapy, he hasn't really changed, he can't see 'cause and effect' - and he's unwilling to 'own his shit' and acknowledge that actions have consequences.
He doesn't see the situation through any other lens other than his own and it's all about him.
More therapy might help him see things from your / your friends perspective, at the moment he's getting all upset about a throw-away comment when the reality is, his actions were devastating.

This.

If after months of therapy he still can’t understand that your friends are going to support you when he’s seeing another woman then it clearly hasn’t helped. I would move on.

oviraptor21 · 22/06/2022 07:58

He is feeling guilt.
He didn't think about the impact on you then ("you were on a break") and until you raised the issue he really hadn't thought through the impact on you.

So now you've brought it into focus and He is feeling guilty and defensiveness. If in time he comes to realise, as others have said, that it really is all on him and that your friends were justified in their suggestions, then maybe, with more therapy, he can get past it and there is a chance for your relationship.

I would be very cautious though. I'd also consider that going forward are you prepared to deal with more of these kind of setbacks?

Oligodendrocyte · 22/06/2022 08:13

I think I'm reading a different thread to most PP, because I cannot see how your husband has done anything wrong.

You left him when he needed you. Said you couldn't cope with him and you wanted him to hit rock bottom. Which he did. He tried to fight for you to stay.

Well, he started to get up from the bottom and started therapy. Given his wife had left him and made it clear you were over, he started seeing someone. That you hadn't bothered to tell any of your friends and family that you'd left him, is on you. You've made it awkward for him, because they think he's cheated on you and he hasn't - you were on a break. I don't know why you would let them think that, and why you didn't correct your friend, and then I really can't understand why you would say that to him.

You should separate, he needs someone who doesn't make it about them, who will be there and care, who doesn't play childish games. That isn't you.

altiara · 22/06/2022 08:13

You do say you made it pretty clear you were over.
Seems to be a lot of mixed messages.

For your actual question - why is he being like this? Probably he hasn’t changed, his therapy may be helping me communicate in a manner you like but doesn’t mean he’s a reasonable person.

MrsSchrute · 22/06/2022 08:15

Oligodendrocyte · 22/06/2022 08:13

I think I'm reading a different thread to most PP, because I cannot see how your husband has done anything wrong.

You left him when he needed you. Said you couldn't cope with him and you wanted him to hit rock bottom. Which he did. He tried to fight for you to stay.

Well, he started to get up from the bottom and started therapy. Given his wife had left him and made it clear you were over, he started seeing someone. That you hadn't bothered to tell any of your friends and family that you'd left him, is on you. You've made it awkward for him, because they think he's cheated on you and he hasn't - you were on a break. I don't know why you would let them think that, and why you didn't correct your friend, and then I really can't understand why you would say that to him.

You should separate, he needs someone who doesn't make it about them, who will be there and care, who doesn't play childish games. That isn't you.

Agreed

AquaticSewingMachine · 22/06/2022 08:18

The question of who's right about this stupid Tinder issue isn't what people are responding to though. The question is, does this relationship have a future. And the answer is clearly no.

Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 08:18

Oligodendrocyte · 22/06/2022 08:13

I think I'm reading a different thread to most PP, because I cannot see how your husband has done anything wrong.

You left him when he needed you. Said you couldn't cope with him and you wanted him to hit rock bottom. Which he did. He tried to fight for you to stay.

Well, he started to get up from the bottom and started therapy. Given his wife had left him and made it clear you were over, he started seeing someone. That you hadn't bothered to tell any of your friends and family that you'd left him, is on you. You've made it awkward for him, because they think he's cheated on you and he hasn't - you were on a break. I don't know why you would let them think that, and why you didn't correct your friend, and then I really can't understand why you would say that to him.

You should separate, he needs someone who doesn't make it about them, who will be there and care, who doesn't play childish games. That isn't you.

No I'm sorry but that's absolutely incorrect. I have spent the last 6 years putting his needs before mine. I was mentally drained and unable to cope with anymore. I spent the last 6 years begging him to have therapy but he refused. I spent the last 6 years being shouted and snapped at because he was unable to deal with his struggles. It came to a point where I needed to leave for me! I had forgotten who I was, i was just his emotional punch bag.

I could of easily gone back to him but I couldn't unless he got the therapy he needed. When he eventually agreed, I found him a therapist. I contacted the therapist and got it sorted. I had left him but I was still spending 6 hours a day with him while he cried - he didn't work for along time. I still was not thinking about me.

Like I said, I have been putting his needs before my own for as long as I remember. It got to a point where I was feeling so low, I went to him for help and I was shouted at. He didn't want to know.

I am incredibly proud of him for getting therapy and the help he needed but he needed to realise himself that he needed it. It was never going to happen with me going on at him. Leaving him was the best thing I could of done for him and he will now admit that himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 08:20

altiara · 22/06/2022 08:13

You do say you made it pretty clear you were over.
Seems to be a lot of mixed messages.

For your actual question - why is he being like this? Probably he hasn’t changed, his therapy may be helping me communicate in a manner you like but doesn’t mean he’s a reasonable person.

I think this is the comment that's made sense to me the most. He has had therapy for some much needed issues but him as a person still remains. I saw it for the first time last night.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 08:20

Leaving him was the best thing I could of done for him

So even that was partly for him.

What is the future life with him like, that you're picturing?

Musti · 22/06/2022 08:25

Hi op. Regardless of his past, you shouldn’t sacrifice your life and happiness for this man. You tried for 6 years and despite this he didn’t love you or respect you enough to at least be discreet.

it doesn’t sound like he’s’fixed’ if he’s focusing on which friend suggested this. You didn’t actually date anyone else either.

honestly? I would leave him and start putting yourself first.

CalistoNoSolo · 22/06/2022 08:26

He hasn't changed and he won't change so you are better off ending things once and for all. If his psychological damage is so deep your marriage will always be about him first and you second. Walk away OP before you get top involved and you lose any more years.

Oligodendrocyte · 22/06/2022 08:27

You left him, and despite the drip feed of all you've tried to do for him - you made it clear to him you were over.

I stand by what I said. Don't say you're done with someone, and then get upset when they move on with their life.

You should have told your friends and family, and you shouldn't have told him their comments.

There was no other woman, and you need to let go of the 'he chose to' narrative. You were on a break. What he done during that time is nothing to do with you. Either draw a line under what happened and move on together, he leave him again and stay separated.

ThreeRingCircus · 22/06/2022 08:27

OP you're in the thick of it so you can't step back and see it for what it is but this relationship is over. Proper relationships aren't this complicated, stressful and emotionally fraught all the time.

You have already made the break, it clearly is not going to work so this does need to be a permanent break for both of your sakes.

Original poster
moppyD · 22/06/2022 08:31

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 08:20

Leaving him was the best thing I could of done for him

So even that was partly for him.

What is the future life with him like, that you're picturing?

Yeah it was. It was still me thinking of him. I am absolutely not the wife that was completely selfish and left him struggling. Quite the opposite. I couldn't of done more for him if I tried. I've always felt such huge empathy for him - you cannot go through what he has and lead a normal life. As a child he had no chance as an adult and he has cut his family out of his life now. He has no one except for me and has always relied on me for absolutely everything. I've realised the king therapy that my own childhood was also shit and had turned me into a complete people pleaser.

Our future - still uncertain. I was willing to try. To give it a go. Without living together, without full commitment. We've been going on little dates, walks etc. Sending time together. I made it very clear to him that this has to go at my pace if we have any chance of reconciling fully. I needed to see the changes and I absolutely have been - he's like a different person in so many ways. Until last night. Which I have now received an apology for but still....🤷🏻‍♀️

It wasn't a petty conversation, I wasn't trying to make him jealous, we were in quite a deep conversation which was going well, we were communicating on a new level where we both listen to eachother. He just didn't take that well at all and it's thrown me

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 22/06/2022 08:32

moppyD · 22/06/2022 07:31

I love him very much, I didn't stop loving him when I left, I just knew he needed to help.

When my marriage fell apart and my exhusband turned into a completely different person ( or probably his true self) I was utterly devastated. I loved him,my heart was shattered. I wanted him to come back. A friend said some very wise words to me .
"You can love and miss someone without needing to take them back".
You relationship is over. Life, love and partnerships should never, ever be anything like this hard.

lunar1 · 22/06/2022 08:33

You ended the relationship. He worked on himself, he had another relationship, she isn't the OW. Your family and friends need to leave it alone, he did nothing wrong in meeting someone else when single.

He sounds like he has done well in his own, and the whole thing seems to messy to be put back together. You would both be happier in the long run making it a clean break.