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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my boys play football/basketball in my garden?

287 replies

mrsh1807 · 21/06/2022 23:11

My neighbours have sent me a couple of very unpleasant text messages telling me to stop my boys playing football in our garden as they don’t want to hear it.

I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling really anxious to be honest. They’ve never raised it as a concern before the messages, and the tone was intimidating.

I replied to the first one suggesting we reach an agreement where we can all enjoy our gardens, and this was responded to by them telling, not asking, me to send them to the park down the road. Those were their words, telling not asking. They’re in their early 50s.

Boys are 11 and 15. We have a decent sized garden.

I’m a single parent so feel I’m an easy target.

Do I have any options other than moving house?!

Thanks.

OP posts:
getsomehelp · 22/06/2022 08:03

"I specifically chose this house so my children can enjoy the garden.
I have offered to compromise on curfew etc
They are children as you should understand, having had them, & play games.
Please do not send further intimidating messages. This is a suburban area there is no law forbidding children to play in their own garden"

Original poster
mrsh1807 · 22/06/2022 08:04

Thanks everyone. Its useful to hear lots of different perspectives and gives me food for thought.

5 years ago we left our family home as I split from their dad, we bought a complete wreck of a house because of the garden. I wanted somewhere for my boys to play.

I appreciate they’re getting older and maybe they should play less. They’re not out all day every day by any stretch.

They have been to the park a couple of times since the message but but but - it is their garden too. We have equal rights to use our garden.

Neighbours have a hot tub room and several times have had loud parties that go on until gone midnight. I’ve never complained. It’s life. Give and take.

I just hate conflict and tension and the fact my heart sinks when coming home when I can see they’re home. Want it to go away 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/06/2022 08:13

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 21/06/2022 23:34

"I'm open to reasonable discussions so we can both enjoy our gardens. However you are mistaken in thinking you have any right to tell me what to do or to bully my sons out of their own garden"

This is a good message. Much as I would be tempted to add that his messages are rude and unpleasant, that will only inflame the situation further. And as others have said, keep notes on what has been said incase this escalates.

Tiani4 · 22/06/2022 08:13

Mrssh
You keep asking what you should do and that you don't know what to do now

You don't have to do anything. Your DCs aren't being unreasonable and it's ok to play in your garden! You've answered everyone's questions about whether they are banging ball against a fence or wall (they're not), your garden is big so plenty of room to play, it's not at unsociable hour, it's not been for 8 hours solidly (30mins!!), they're not making excessive noise.

Your NDN does not get to text you rudely and expect you to run around to appease him. Ignore him. You've already blocked his number

If he says anything to you when out in street or him tell him "Don't be so unreasonable. Of course children are allowed to play in their gardens, you're ridiculous. Leave us alone, please go away now"

As you said- his texts were rude, so you owe no politeness back.

LuaDipa · 22/06/2022 08:17

We had a neighbour like this. They weren’t even next door. Used to complain to me - and only me, never dh - whenever the kids played basketball. Yes it is noisy, but it wasn’t all the time. I did ask the kids to keep it down a bit if it was getting too bad though.

When we were having some work done in the back garden we moved the net out onto the drive at the front for a while. One particular sunny day I could hear the kids along with the kids next door making a huge racket and for the sake of keeping the peace went out to have a word and ask them to keep it down as I knew the neighbours would be fuming. Got outside and realised the dad from next door was out playing with the kids and was the one making the most racket. Since there was a responsible adult out there I left them to it. Funnily enough the neighbours never said a word.

They are taking the piss because you’re a lone woman and they think they can. Your kids are doing nothing wrong. Tell them that if they continue harassing you about this you will call the police. If his tone is nasty in the texts then so much the better as it’s all evidence in black and white. I’d imagine that in a couple of years when your boys get a bit taller you’ll hear nothing more from him.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/06/2022 08:17

Ignore them, miserable fuckers.

Tiani4 · 22/06/2022 08:18

Let your boys enjoy your garden. Don't let this bully man try to bully your boys or you out of your own garden!!!

As you say , he is not a considerate Neighbour himself , as they have loud garden parties going on past midnight.

Whether your boys play ball or not in THEIR OWN GARDEN is none of his business and he gets no say over it.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/06/2022 08:20

As for people saying your DCs are too old to play in the garden … we have only just taken down our basketball hoop and the DCs are early 20s!

Cyclebabble · 22/06/2022 08:23

I would certainly be willing to limit the time in which they play (maybe no earlier than 10 and no later than 9? I would encourage them to play on grass if you have this, but at the end of the day your kids are entitled to use their garden. I would be replying along these lines. As long as they are not shrieking all the time I think the problem is largely with your neighbours. Also I am guessing they would not be sending such a note if you were not a single parent.

theemmadilemma · 22/06/2022 08:24

They're bonkers. My neighbours two boys play both basketball and football multiple times a day.... 🤷‍♀️ It their garden, they can do as they wish with ball games, they aren't using the fences so no issue.

ClinkeyMonkey · 22/06/2022 08:27

I can remember, before I had children, getting irritated by the endless bouncing of the ball on the patio from next door. BUT I knew it was my issue. I wouldn't have complained as the sounds weren't happening late at night etc and our neighbours were lovely. I reserve my right to be irritated though!

My DC have probably annoyed the neighbours with their shouting on the trampoline, although we always brought them in if it got too loud or went on too long. DS1 is nearly 14 and I would be delighted if he shouted on the trampoline instead of yelling at his friends over WhatsApp about Kerbal Space Program and the like!

Moodycow78 · 22/06/2022 08:27

Just ignore them it's your garden and as long as it's not too early or too late in the day they can do whatever they like. I'd not bother replying and block their number if they keep texting.

Sluj · 22/06/2022 08:29

I went to sit in my garden after work yesterday for an hour with a book. I heard neighbours kids shouting and creaking on their trampoline, next doors dog barking continuously, a young lad absolutely screaming at his PlayStation with the bifold doors wide open and a boy practicing his trumpet. I gave up after about 30 minutes because a reception aged child bought their recorder out to start tooting one note over and over.
All of this drives me wild but I accept that I couldn't and wouldn't do anything about it. Its life .

MiniCooperLover · 22/06/2022 08:32

I'm amazed at the people saying oh yes he's too old to be playing in the garden, send him to the park. Yes if the kids want to go to the park (and it's a safe area for example), great. But no, absolutely not, to them being too old to play with their sibling in their own garden of their own home. Nonsense. And the fact the siblings want to play together is lovely too. Stand up to him OP, do it by message, that's fine. But don't let him bully you!

ZenNudist · 22/06/2022 08:34

Its nice they still play out. Encourage it and tell your neighbours they are being ridiculous.

Applegreenb · 22/06/2022 08:37

I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all. Why should they have to go to the park every time? Do your neighbours think gardens are only for sitting in quietly?

Stand your ground, you tried to come to an agreement, they have been rude. Crack on and ignore them. The petty part of me wants to say send your boys out more to play in this nice weather but that’s bad advice 😂

BusyMum47 · 22/06/2022 08:38

@mrsh1807
As long as the ball isn't constantly banging against/going over a commual fence or the side of the neighbour's house & it's not super early in the morning or late at night, then screw the miserable neighbours!! It's your garden & your kids have the right to play happily in it!! That's part & parcel of being outdoors in gardens in housing estates in the UK. If the neighbours want perfect peace then let THEM consider moving - not you! Don't let them intimidate or bully you. Keep any notes etc just in case.

Tiani4 · 22/06/2022 08:41

They are taking the piss because you’re a lone woman and they think they can. Your kids are doing nothing wrong. Tell them that if they continue harassing you about this you will call the police. If his tone is nasty in the texts then so much the better as it’s all evidence in black and white. I’d imagine that in a couple of years when your boys get a bit taller you’ll hear nothing more from him.

This^^

My (sexist) male neighbour (older than me) knocks on my door every couple weeks with some other bossy thing he wants to tell me to do.

He doesn't like my Oak trees because of the leaves "The trees were here before you moved here Graham, and before the houses were built so no I won't be cutting them down. "

He doesn't like me leaving my porch path light on for a an hour occasionally when my teenager DD is returning home late, as it 'shines into his bathroom side window'. It's not a bright light it's an small ambient glow, it isn't anywhere near nor angled to his bathroom window, and you can't see it from the road... and it's only on for an hour or so, it makes it safer for DD to get up our dark path.) that's the purpose of the light Graham to make it safe to walk up the path.

He doesn't like..
He doesn't like...
He wants ..
He wants..
He pops round at times offering to mow my (back garden) lawn (my DS does it or I do) as that's not a woman's job... Hmm

He knocks in the middle of the day and keeps ringing doorbell until I answer it. I WFH and am often on a call or in middle of a meeting that can't be interrupted. He won't take " oh it's you Graham, don't ring on my doorbell like that again please. I am in the middle of a meeting and can't talk now. No Graham I am working, as it isn't an emergency, we can discuss this another time " He still launches into his 20 mins 'chat' whilst I am closing my door saying Not now Graham!

I know it's because I'm a woman on my own (with DCs) that he thinks he can bully. He never did this when my ExH was living here.

When my (now Uni aged 6 foot 2" DS was home at Easter , DS went downstairs for time to answer door - I could hear Graham telling him to go get his Mum as he wanted to talk about (yada yada) and heard my son respond "Graham mum is working, I'm not disturbing her for you to have a chat. Don't ring on our doorbell like that, it's rude. I'm going back upstairs now" I didn't even bother popping round later to Grahams house as frankly I don't care anymore what he has to say!! I'm going to send DS down to answer the door more often! Grin

ColMustardInTheLibrary · 22/06/2022 08:43

really, don’t allow them to make you feel anxious. Your kids are entitled to enjoy their garden. They are bullies who are intimidating you because they think they can get away with it. Tell them to piss off and that if they try to intimidate you again you will report to police.

misssunshine4040 · 22/06/2022 08:57

mrsh1807 · 22/06/2022 07:59

Actually my kids are both small for their ages. Doomed by their vertically challenged parents 🤣 he’s barely 5’3!

They play in the middle of the garden. As you can see from the historical bare patches!

Op your garden is massive and mostly grass.
I was expecting it to be small and right next to the neighbours.

They are being massively unreasonable but even more so unreasonable now looking at your garden.
In a garden this size the noise isn't going to be anywhere near as intrusive as it would be if it was a small garden with a patio.

Ignore them

misssunshine4040 · 22/06/2022 08:59

JuneJubilee · 22/06/2022 08:03

@mrsh1807 your boys are no longer little, they are too big to be playing ball games in the garden & shouting to each other. Your neighbours have tolerated this while they were younger, but were probably very much expecting last summer to be the end of having to put up with it.

they're old enough to go to the park to kick the ball about & shout to each other. Your neighbours understandable don't want this going on at 7pm in a Sunday night.

it sounds like they've been unnecessarily unpleasant in their communication, but I guess they assumed you'd have more consideration & they shouldn't need to be having this discussion.

Tolerated? They don't make the rules, her boys can do what they want within normal noise pollution laws..,,,
Just because they are teens doesn't mean they can't mess about and enjoy their own garden!

PoseyFlump · 22/06/2022 09:05

The advice on this thread is split because some people have experienced the hell of living next door to genuinely noisy neighbours and it's hard to judge exactly how noisy your DC are.

Record your DC playing and listen back to it later yourself to try and objectively see if it's annoying. ie are the children swearing, shouting etc.

If your neighbours recorded the noise and frequency would it be considered 'excessive' in the eyes of the council? If not, then carry on. If possibly, then make adjustments.

I can see all sides to this because my own noisy neighbour has finally moved and it's like a breath of fresh air.

StaunchMomma · 22/06/2022 09:09

Your sons live there too and they get to enjoy the garden as much as anyone else.

If they were out there 9-9 all weekend I can see that it could get annoying but them sending a text like that after half an hour is the overreaction of the century!

I think I'd just ignore their messages going forward, OP.

In fact, I think I'd just block them and crack on.

RudsyFarmer · 22/06/2022 09:12

I live next door to a family with a basketball net and it is an absolute PITA. I haven’t moaned though 😬

Livpool · 22/06/2022 09:14

Changechangychange · 21/06/2022 23:19

Tell them to fuck off. If they want dead silence at the weekend, they can move to the countryside. Live next door to somebody and you will hear them in their garden, that is part of normal life. Your children are doing. Irving wrong.

Exactly!

My neighbour plays trance music loudly at the weekend outside. And my DS plays on our garden.

That is just life unless you live in the middle of nowhere without neighbours