Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

Nope, you're not unreasonable. Look at it from your daughter's pov. She's pretty young and feels safe sleeping with her mum. Some fella comes along and turfs her out. Not surprised she's not taking it too well, tbh.

I think that at age 8, your daughter should be sleeping alone without the need for you in the room. She also should know better than to shout at or hit you. It must be a frustrating set up for him. And difficult for you also.

I can see why he's frustrated, I think most 8 year olds go to sleep on their own. Ultimately though you're her mum so it's up to you but I can definitely see why he's annoyed with it

I get why he's frustrated tbh. Why is she screaming and hitting you?

Ok for him to be annoyed and ok for her to be frightened but I’m more interested in exactly how he spoke to her.

Honestly? All things being equal and assuming she’s a typical eight year old, I wouldn’t be impressed by this set up either. She should be able to self-settle in her own bed and certainly should not be hitting you.
Are you a bit wet? Sorry to be blunt.

Are you doing anything to change her night time routine?

does she have special needs?

At 8 she should be able to sleep alone and shouldn't be screaming and hitting you.
If there's no SEN then I understand where your partner is coming from.

Yeah I suppose I am a bit wet which is awful to admit… I baby her and I know I shouldn’t.

She was basically getting out of bed repeatedly and screaming at me that she wasn’t going to sleep. We both went in her room and every time she swung her legs out of bed, he’d place them back in and was shouting no. It didn’t sit well with me at all.

I assumed dp was objecting to you having to lie in her room too long or something. Being annoyed an 8 year old is screaming and hitting you is not unreasonable.

Seems to me you DD is about to get what she wants, I don't blame your DP it's just as hard for him to deal with and you should be backing him up not undermining him. Your DD daughter is bang out of order and whilst she may not like the transition she is playing you off against each other and it's working as can be seen by your post on here.

He doesn't get to shout at your child stop being so wet

I think he's correct in doing that.
She needs to learn, your way to relaxed and laid back about it. Maybe try a parenting course? Sorry to say this but you risk her turning into a complete brat if you do not nip this in the bud now especially at 8, she's nearly a pre teen.

Thing is, when kids are given too much sway…such as making you sit in her room every night or feeling at liberty to lift her hands to you…they don’t know what to do with it. They’re too immature to handle it and it can often result in volatile behaviour.

He shouldn't be shouting at her but tbh there is no way I could live with that if I were him and I don't blame him getting fed up.

You need to do more to solve your daughter's sleep issues imo. She's 8 not a baby. She should absolutely not be hitting and screaming at you and I don't think I'd be able to bite my tongue either if my step child was screaming and hitting my husband (excluding any SEN).

Definitely a huge barrier. My guess is he isnt very impressed with your parenting skills. If you dont get worked up and angry about an 8yr old throwing a tantrum and hitting you, i expect he doesnt fancy seeing you dealing with a 15yr old who hasnt been shown this is wrong.

I can understand his frustration, but your DD needs you . If you can’t agree on this I’d say it’s best you live apart until she’s grown out of this.
Does she stay at her dad’s, if so what does he do ?

Completely agree with this

No SEN, but she’s a lot like her dad in terms of personality. It’s difficult to explain but his mum took him to see someone as a child because he displayed similar behaviour. I suppose I’m just used to to.

I don’t think your boyfriend’s approach is great but I understand that he’s trying to be firm.
Placing her legs back in the bed is simply engaging in a tit for tat competition with her, which is pointless. He’s operating at the same level as the eight year old you see?

No, this requires a calm, consistent ADULT approach.

Yep I agree.

I wouldn't be able to put up with that if I were him. She sounds very badly behaved and if you are a very soft parent then the teenage Years are going to be horrible. You say she's hitting you very casually. I can't imagine him sitting there and watching such horrid behaviour and saying nothing. You need to sort her out, her behavuour is awful for 8yo.

I think you need to look at a parenting course, it might be hard work initially but you’re doing your dd a huge disservice parenting her the way you are currently.

I’d also look online for bedtime routine suggestions, and this weekend have a sit down with everyone Saturday morning and explain how it’s changing. Maybe time to dig out the star chart for each bedtime she does “well” with a treat at the end of it?

I really don't think this is appropriate. He really shouldn't be involved in bedtime 9r in her room at night. You need to set some boundaries and safe spaces. Why are you letting him do that?

This!