Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

Wow, people really lose their shit over other people's bedtime routines on here don't they. It's nonsense that an 8yo will now never sleep independently because of her bedtime habits at this age. Between 7-8yo I fully rejected my own room and bed and slept in my parents' room on a camp bed! l'd fall asleep on the sofa in front of the telly and my dad carried me up when they went. Shock, horror! Guess what - I was otherwise very well behaved, had a good bond with my parents and now as an adult am an excellent sleeper (if I do say so myself ) and have slept alone ever since I got over that phase when it ended naturally with no problems. I'm so glad I had nice and supportive parents who helped me through it kindly and not some of the people on here who seem to favour punishment and letting kids work through their problems alone.

@Pumperthepumper you’re determined that my niece is just a misunderstood and anxious. But you would feel differently if you watched her parents ineffectually try to say no to her, and watch her scream at them hysterically, then stop suddenly, look at your two year old, look at her parents and then aggressively push him over from behind as he walked past. On a tiled floor. I saw it about to happen but didn’t get there quick enough.

When (gently) asked by her mother (in a cuddle) why she did it, she defiantly said because they said no. She wouldn’t apologise as she said she wasn’t sorry. She received no punishment, they instead gave her what she wanted in the first place. She was rewarded for it. I was (and still am) fucking livid about it. Their pathetic parenting is creating a child that is difficult to be around. And that isn’t her fault. She’s eight and she doesn’t know how to behave.

I cannot express to you how much they have indulged her. Every trip out resulted in a present being bought for her, so now she expects and demands it. One tiny thing in a sea of indulgence.

Sometimes parents do just get it so wrong that the resulting behaviour of the child is problematic, rather than indicative of a SEN or MH problem.

@Mymoneydontjigglejiggle

I've been doing that bloody rap all over my house for weeks and it had finally left my head, then I saw your post

I definitely wouldn’t. I would think ‘that is a damaged child who needs help’. And I certainly wouldn’t think ‘that kid is innately evil’.

I didn’t say she was ‘inately evil’, where have you got that from? No one has said that about any child as far as I’m aware.

What I did say is that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with her, and her terrible behaviour is simply the result of really weak parenting. And that result makes her hard to be around.

What I did say is that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with her, and her terrible behaviour is simply the result of really weak parenting. And that result makes her hard to be around

I've read your other comments through the thread. Although you do mention how , in your view, your nieces parents are inadequately raising their child, the majority of your ire seems to be aimed at the little girl.

You seem to dislike her intensely, and an, 'of course, I know it's the parenting that's at fault' doesn't quite meet the level of resentment you seem to have for an 8 year old child.

I've been around children with similar behaviour, and it's hard to deal with sometimes, but still.

She’s started hitting and screaming at you to desperately get you to parent her. She’s literally crying out for strong and consistent boundaries that she’s not been getting. you are letting her down by not parenting her properly.

Are you getting help for your mental health op?

@Herejustforthisone thats what wrong with her though. That’s not a happy kid, that’s a kid who needs support. That’s a kid whose family is slagging her off on the internet - does that sound like a kid with no problems?

@Excited101 what utter bullshit.

Why do people assume that they know MY child better than I do? From the few posts that I’ve made, it’s amazing how so many of you are child psychologists.

I know my child better than anyone. She has been overindulged, I’m the first to admit that. But I have not let her down by being lenient and overcompensating for her deadbeat Disney dad. She’s a happy child with absolutely no trauma, not even from her dad and I breaking up given that she was only a few months old.

Ive already implemented healthier sleep hygiene and so far it’s working much better. My boyfriend and I have sat down and had a chat with regards to discipline and he apologised saying that all he was trying to do was support me because he hates it when she talks to me and treats me the way that she sometimes does. Yes the physical hitting and shoving is new, but she gets overtired and worked up. I don’t for one second believe that it’s anything to do with my partner, as she went through a similar phase when she was much younger before he was on the scene.

This thread has become ridiculous and really quite triggering and offensive.

You literally said you’re too wet with her and you baby her… wet parenting isn’t good for kids- it’s confusing and unreliable.

Your words op, what did you want people to ‘take home’ from that?! 🤷‍♀️

Bollocks. He’s not her parent, he had no right to force her legs back into her bed.

So he's not moving out?

You should have been apologising to him, he had nothing whatsoever to apologise for

Oh yes. The finest of men yell at young children then blank them the next day. He absolutely needed to apologise.

And I know he's not her parent, but someone had to be a parent, because the OP sure wasn't

The OP sounds like a caring, loving parent. She has mishandled some sleep issues and is working on it. Stop trying to land blows - it's a really crap thing to do to someone.

Get.
A.
Grip.

You’re really projecting. I know it’s not her fault. We all know that. We know it’s her parents. And I’ve acknowledged that their pathetic ‘parenting’ of her (their weirdly strict with her siblings) has created the person she is today. And that the person they have created can be hard to be around. I stand by that.

Her family is slagging her off on the internet? Shall we dial back the hyperbole and say that actually, her family is sharing anecdotes about her drips of parents, to illustrate the damage ineffective parenting can do?

And she’s a very happy kid. So happy. Dancing, singing, performing, learning, riding her pony, riding her bikes, going to theatre school, reading her books… until someone says no. Then she’s not a happy bunny, not at all. Fortunately, it very rarely happens to her.

Honestly, you gentle parents… 🙄

I’d be curious to know what changes some of the softies on here would make in my niece’s home, to ‘help’ her.

Get. A. Grip

Projection? I just commented that I've been around children acting in a similar way.

You don't like any comments that are even mildly critical of your posts, but you're obviously not able to discuss without this kind of puerile thing ^ , which is not really my style, so we'll leave it there.

I’d be curious to know what changes some of the softies on here would make in my niece’s home, to ‘help’ her

I doubt you're one bit curious.

You just want to invite comments trying to help this little girl, so you can be somewhat aggressive and offensive by return.

@Herejustforthisone i hate to admit that I see so many similarities in what you’ve said about your niece. I don’t intentionally mollycoddle her but I think it is a resulting factor of me being a single parent for so long, and me growing up with horrendous parents. I try to make sure that she never experiences the same stuff that I did which is why I think I’ve reacted so badly to how my partner reacted to her lashing out.

So what specifically do you think they should do to come down hard on her? Baring in mind she’s already hurting animals and smaller children.

A different Aunt for a start.