Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

An 8 year old should not be behaving like that and there’s no excuse except poor parenting for.it. Yes that’s harsh, but she will be even worse as she gets into her teens. Part of parenting is setting acceptable boundaries and teaching appropriate behaviour instead of not bothering because you want an easy life at the time. You are describing behaviour that should have been nipped in the bud years ago.

It’s because bodily autonomy is really important. That’s what he did wrong. She’s not a toddler, she’s eight. And he’s not her dad. And he’s recently moved into her house. And he was angry. And she had no control over any of that.

This is one reason why new relationships when children are involved can be such a bloody nightmare.

OP, your daughter shouldn't be hitting and screaming at you at the age of 8. She has been spoilt and has had her own way for far too long. She should not be making a fuss about bedtime at that age, either.

However, this is a problem for you, and only you, to solve. Your partner shouldn't have been involved with her bedtime at all. He isn't her father, and he isn't even her stepfather. He's the man you moved into your and her house. What he did was 100% wrong. Blanking her isn't great, either.

That said, I can understand his frustration; I wouldn't have been able to cope with a man whose 8 yr old was carrying on like that. I'd have left him.

I can also understand your daughter's frustration. She had you all to herself for a long time, and now you have moved this man into her home and into 'her' (i.e. your) bed. No wonder she's in emotional turmoil.

If I were you, I would end the relationship (or change it back to a 'not living together' relationship) and focus on tackling your daughter's needs and behaviour. A NT eight year old would know why you both need your own space at night; she might respond well to being treated like an eight year old, rather than as a baby.

Not easy all round, though!

He was probably sick of it and bracing him self for a night of more.

you have to decide how much parenting you’re going to allow him to do because if your mental health means that you’re not up to being tough with her you’re gonna have to trust him that he’s gonna be firm but fair with her because somebody needs to resolve it and if that somebody isn’t gonna be you it’s gonna need to be him in order for you to successfully continue with this arrangement.

The thing that triggered this post was that he came in from work and pretty much blanked DD.

What do you mean by 'pretty much blanked' her. Do you mean she said hello and he literally turned away and pretended she wasn't there and refused to say anything at all? Or do you mean she was demanding attention and he just said 'Hiya' and then started talking to you or doing something else he wanted to focus on? Because to me the former is a very different thing to the latter.

Me too.
She isn't naturally a good sleeper and the coping mechanism you've taught her is to use your presence as a sleep trigger.
Now she's got to unlearn that in the face of implacable disinterest in exactly what an impossible challenge that will seem to her! She knows no other way and at 8 years old does not have the life experience to be able to visualise things being any different!
She needs help to see how things can go from how they are to how they could be, she needs time and kindness to motivate her to want to aim for that.
Instead she is meeting an absence of empathy, usurped from her customary comfort and an outsider being supported to intervene in a cold way. There is nothing about this situation that is being handled well or positively.
How was she prepared and helped to transition to a new sleep routine and for that matter to want to make this (to her) unwelcome change.

Sorry, quoted the wrong post! See what he did wrong above.

The if she's screaming at you and hitting you you need to.start getting angry

Terrible advice. All that does is teach a child that anger is the correct response to things. Firmness and consistency are key, not anger.

And the partner should leave, as he's making things worse. If any man laid a finger on any of my DC, I would actually want to kill him.

Her behaviour sounds awful. He hasn’t dealt with it well but I totally get why he’s frustrated. If I was him I would end this relationship.
OP have you thought about a parenting course to help you deal with these challenging behaviours?

That’s awful behaviour from an 8 year old.

sorry, but it sounds like she has you wound round her finger. What were the consequences of her hitting you?

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does.

Her behaviour seems really difficult but no one especially someone who isn’t her parent should be getting worked up and angry about it so YANBU.

Why is he getting so angry?
Is he the one putting her to bed?

I can see why your DP is frustrated and annoyed OP but he's directing it at the wrong person being angry with DD. I think it might be time to accept that your current approach to parenting isn't working and show both DP and DD that you are taking responsibility for that and seeking to change it. Parenting course is a good idea and there are lots of good self help books out there but I would certainly be using this as a catalyst for change because your DD needs better than 'wet'.

How do you sleep train older kids?
I have this problem with my 11 year old 😆
My daughter has nightmares
She will sleep but she has no idea how to self soothe so she'll knock on our bedroom at night
I get up for work early so it's just easier for me to sleep in her room
My partner was not happy at first
But he doesn't complain anymore
I don't even know what to do
But I'm assuming she'll kick me out soon?
I can't imagine a teenager asking for me at night 😬
Back story is that I was single first 9 years of her life

How does she behave at school?

If she starts hitting out at teachers or other children because she has seen that this is ok, and gets her her way, then you are in for a whole heap of issues and some very upset parents.

Be sure to reward her for staying up there after being tucked in.

Is her room special to her? Can she have curtains/bedding or something that makes it more hers?

Talk about it as a skill she is learning. (Coping with the boredom suffered when you can't sleep is a skill!) Talk also about the fact that you can't 'give' her sleep. It is something she has to find a way to herself.

Perhaps expect her to come down a bit to begin with - and agree that the longer she stays up - the higher the reward.

Collecting points works well - they can be converted into 'prizes' later :) (Mine settled for the points themselves - being competitive little siblings.)

If it is your attention she is after, include something of that in the reward.
If it is power she wants - give her choices over something that matters to her.

The problem is: there won't be any consequences, because what the OP's partner was doing was clouding the issue. So rather than dealing with the behaviour, OP will have been anxious about the effect it was all having on her relationship with her partner.

Shouting is abuse, @lanabye Do not let him shout at your daughter again, ever. I would give him his marching orders now, but it might be fairer to give him a warning (though, as said above, I would end the relationship and focus on your daughter in a constructive way, rather than a 'babying her' way).

So she's 8 and shouldn't be sleeping in your bed but he has no place in this. This is between you and your daughter he shouldn't be chastising her yet. Maybe the hitting comes from jealousy as partner now there. I wouldn't have a man stepping in like that.

I think if the relationship ends the op still won’t fix the problem. Just end up with a 16 year old sharing her bed or getting hit if she says no.

I agree with Oneeyedpenguin

She's probably struggling to adjust to having a man move into her home, a man that stops her from sleeping with her mother (it's not the child's fault the op co slept for so long), a man that thinks he has a right to put his hands on her, a man that blanks her.

It is not her fault that this has happened and she has been allowed. And to suddenly go from that to a man she doesnt really know manhandling her and blanking her is awful.

This is on you @lanabye to work through with her - without your partner being involved. And him understanding he needs to back off and leave you to deal with it.

I try my absolute best with regards to parenting. My mental health isn’t great so sometimes I do go along with things with clearly come back to bite me.
hey - ALL parents go along with stuff sometimes & get bitten on the arse later.
Sure - you need to establish a more workable sleep routine for DD, but childhood insomnia is a hard thing to handle, so please don't beat yourself up.
Have you had GP advice re: Sleep Hygiene, or a consult about eg melatonin levels?

The hitting/shoving thing is very new, and I’m not sure where it’s come from.
I imagine it's not unconnected to a man moving into her safe, just-mummy-&-me home, & unilaterally deciding that it's fine to shout at & physically manhandle her for "naughtiness".

Sorry OP. That was NOT a criticism. But your DP has overstepped so badly here & want to slap him. HE DOES NOT GET TO PUSH YOUR CHILD AROUND or impose HIS discipline methods in your home.

DD is acting out. Understandably. She's fighting for her territory with a grown man who is physically imposing his will on her. THIS IS NOT OK. With help, (expert, not DP's) you'll manage that in time.
What you need to do is keep bedtime routines ONLY for you & DD now. DP needs to step back, stop making DD's sleep/bedtime struggles all about him, & butt the fuck out of your parenting decisions.

The thing that triggered this post was that he came in from work and pretty much blanked DD.
Twat. Whether you handle this by laying down the law, or asking him to move back out, is up to you. But remember - he is ALSO fighting this turf war with DD. And he's a grown man, taking on a child, in order to establish dominance over your household. Not sure I could have that under my roof.

Good luck, stay strong, keep posting

This

My niece is SEN and her now ex SD was like this;my niece hated him and he was emotionally abusive;he had no patience with her.

You either need to end the relationship or lay down the law on how you expect your DD to be treated by him.If he cannot respect that then he needs to move out.

I think her behaviour is an accurate reflection of her emotional turmoil and distress. None of which has been caused by her or her decisions.
Tackle the root cause not the symptom if you want a real resolution and not just an unspoken emotional rift or a sweeping under the carpet, or, worse, an escalation of behaviour caused by damage to her sense of self worth from this lack of understanding or valuing of her feelings or point of view.
Take positive control and find a caring way through this mess.

Agree with all of this. Good post.

The thing that triggered this post was that he came in from work and pretty much blanked DD.

I know people criticise this but I can see how it happens. I bet it was building up in his mind all the way home how miserable her behaviour makes him. And no matter how often you tell yourself she's just 8, it inevitably would get to you. If my partner's 8yo son screamed and hit every night and my partner just gave him cuddle, I'd be gone.
Step up and be a parent and not a friend.