Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

I'm sorry but why? He's not her parent, he doesn't need to be involved. Especially now he's shown himself to be a prick who will happily blank an 8 year old.

My kid is nine, and I still sit with her to go to sleep. We try it without me but she’s not ready yet. I don’t care, it’s just me and her, and it won’t be forever. So I don’t think it’s strange that your 8 year old likes you there.

but it’s a massive change for her to stop doing it, and stop doing it because he’s in the house. I don’t think he has any place in her bedtime routine, and I’d not let a man just moved in do what he was doing.

equally she shouldn’t be screaming and hitting you, that’s not acceptable.

but if he’s blanking her, and there are other issues, clearly him being in her house, which is her safe space, need to be considered. She’s not had a choice in this.

bedtime needs to not be stressful. I know my kid won’t be needing me by the time she’s a grown up, but you need to do this at a pace that she is comfortable with, not one prescribed by him.

@OneEyedPenguin a human kind response, articulated what I wanted to say.
Some people sound so incredibly harsh and cruel,we are not in borstal land where DC are allowed no feelings.
We are supposed to be loving caring people who put the children we brought into this world,and their needs first!!

I'm not saying op should let this go on forever but there's are ways and means of doing things kindly so everyone is happy

Her behaviour is awful and physical retaliation won't work. Even physically putting her into bed. 8 yo don't normally hit and shout. I think the parenting course is a good suggestion. I would have an honest discussion with my child about how it's affecting me and how you can both change.

Take the dp out of the question. The issue is an 8 year old screaming and hitting, whether because she’s so upset that mum is trying to insist she goes to sleep or because there’s an issue. Dyspraxia is linked to poor sleep. Maybe worth a bit of investigation, although it seems the OP’s dd needs to learn to settle herself.

I think asking if there’s any SEND is a valid question.

Yy to her safe space being gone.

Some people sound so incredibly harsh and cruel,we are not in borstal land where DC are allowed no feelings.

We also don't live in a world where screaming, kicking and hitting is ok either.

As has been said already, if she continues this to other environments and school then there are going to be problems.

Listen to your child OP - she’s clearly telling you she’s not happy with your partner moving in. He should not be blanking her, shouting at her or anything of that nature. You should have planned this much better - you’ve been together 3 years, he’s recently moved in, did you even prepare her? You should have sorted her sleep before he moved in! Put her first!

I'm sorry, OP, but your kids sounds like she's overindulged and spoiled. If you don't get on top of the situation, you're going to lose your partner.

Stop being so pathetic. Why are you letting a grown man shout at your child?

@Phobiaphobic

Yes. Much better to have some narky bloke than comfort your child who’s having difficulty adjusting.

I honestly will never understand women who prioritise men over their children.

If my child needed to sleep with me, id let them. I absolutely would not let a man dictate that she couldnt or make me feel shit about it.
Obviously its not ideal that she still needs to sleep with you at times but in my experience, the more of an issue you make of it, the worse it is.
My kids are older than that, but sometimes one of them will ask to sleep in my bed. At one point I had one teenager on a mat on the floor sleeping for a few months when he was going through a hard time. My daughter has done similar when shes been struggling.

One of these days it will be the last time and you wont even know it.

This is exactly what I was going to type.

He doesn’t sound very kind. Too much shouting and passive aggressive blanking.

Some children need a lot more help getting to sleep and though the night. You can’t just stop being a parent because it’s past 9pm. I think it’s great OP that you have supported your daughter and given her the comfort she needs. Presumably there was some upheaval when she was younger with her dad which may have led the sleep difficulties, she may have a developmental delay or there may be unidentified SEND.

You know your daughter best and what she needs. I would say that during a huge change such as your DP moving in is not the best time to make big changes to her routines. She will be feeling unsettled and need your reassurance even more.

As for your DP, if he is handling this situation poorly it doesn’t bode well for the future. I’d want a partner who would be patient, understanding and work together as a team, not making things more stressful and difficult.

And the fact she was hitting you is probably because the situation was being escalated unnecessarily

Behaviour is communication

Work out why and what the child is communicating.

I'd say the grown man shouting and sulking is far more of a worry than an 8 year old who is learning.

What does your daughter do on sleepovers?
Your MIL took her to see ‘someone’. Why? And what did they say?
Do you ever said no to your child? Etc etc
The DP issue is a red herring here. He could be a perfectly normal person who is at the limit of his patience or he could be a controlling shit. But what’s most important is your parenting - are you parenting your daughter?

Honestly I agree with PP you're not setting a good example for your daughter by caving into her demands every bed time. If you've recreates a routine where your partner now also attends her bedtimes and you're not comfortable with how hes disciplining then bloody well change it OP and stop involving him. You're not a wet wipe you're a grown woman and you need to start setting boundaries not just with your partner but with your daughter too. Assuming no SEN she's way too old to be acting like this

You can’t take the DP out of the question when the behaviour is new, given him moving in is also new. The link shouldn’t be ignored.

It certainly shouldn't be accepted either.

Has your daughter’s violent behaviour started since your boyfriend moved in?

Sounds to me like she’s had a loving mum almost to herself for years and now her world has changed in a way she doesn’t like.

I think you need to consider balance here very carefully. Personally, I would put my daughter’s rights and needs above my boyfriend’s. They certainly shouldn’t be below his.

It sounds like you have been parenting your own way, which was fine when there was just the two of you. There’s nothing wrong with relaxed parenting, so long as the love is there.

Having a great bond with your daughter (which it sounds like you had) means that, to an extent, he’s got to fit in around that, and he should also respect your parenting style. It sounds to me as if he doesn’t approve of yours and wants to assert his own, which in my book, is not okay.

He certainly shouldn’t be manhandling her back into bed. No wonder she lashed out. How do you think that made her feel?

I’m genuinely surprised by the responses you’ve received so far. Only you can really decide how this goes, but my feeling is that if he doesn’t fit into your little household, and doesn’t respect your parenting style (which presumably worked for you and DD before he moved in) that’s clearly a problem.

I guess the answer lies in whether you and she were happy before he came, and aren’t now. If you had problems with her behaviour before he arrived, then parenting classes might be the answer. If everything was working and you had a healthy, loving relationship with your daughter, which changed after he moved in, then he is the problem, or at least him not fitting into your set-up is.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I just honestly don’t understand all these NT children NEEDING a parent to sleep with them at 8plus. It’s not normal.

Mostly however it seems to be single parents rather than those coupled up. Now married or single there is no way unless my child is sick am I having them sleeping in my bed or me having to hold their hand to sleep outside of toddlerhood. It seems to be more the parent (often single) likes the company the child provides that builds this terrible sleeping nightmare. Then as per op moans when they now as an adult have someone else to cuddle to sleep that the child they have conditioned to sleep this way acts up.

it’s not her dp’s fault or her child’s in away. However the op needs to fix the mess shed made for her child’s own good and hers.

There’s not a single post on here that says the DDs behaviour is acceptable.

However ignoring the link between the deteriorating behaviour and a man who is happy to physically put an unrelated child into bed repeatedly and then blank the child the next day isn’t helpful either, because they are likely very linked.

I LOVE that analogy! Really drives the point home!

What a disaster. Your boyfriend needs to go, and you need to start a new approach in parenting your child. She has been spoilt and her behaviour is alarming.