Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

You should have got your DD used to sleeping alone before moving a partner in. You can’t just flick your fingers and expect her to change overnight.

She should be settling by herself at the age of 8, and she certainly should not be allowed to scream at you

Agreed. I don't think he should be disciplining her or shouting at her but I know I would be frustrated with this as well. My ex used to let his 8 yr old dd sleep with us and it was uncomfortable and I never got any sleep. She didn't have tantrums, but still I felt she was too old to need to sleep with us, especially every night.

Your parenting is different from an average person would expect. This set up is not compatible with another non related adult living together with 2 of you.
You can't expect anyone to just wave and smile in their own house irrespective of your daughter's behaviour. You want to have it your way, ask him to move out and wait until your daughter moves out before you have a live in partner.

Let alone hit and scream.

Hi op my dd sometimes asks to get in with me, I can't see any issue with it?
DH is happy to sleep elsewhere.

Your dd likes to sleep with you, yes wean he'd off it gently but I can't see the problem.
Adults like to have company in bed?
In other cultures people all sleep in the same room.
I would say she can X nights and tey and gently ease her out of it

Your parenting is different from an average person would expect.

Agree and I don’t think if faced with a child screaming, kicking and hitting their partner I don't think 99% of people would be ok with it as some do here.

It’s incredible how many people on this thread think that an 8 year old should have better control of her emotions than a fully grown man.

I agree.

Her behaviour is a reaction because she’s been allowed to do 1 thing for years and now suddenly it’s wrong and she gets shouted at for it.

Getting frustrated in the moment is one thing but you would walk away and let her mum deal with it instead of getting angry.

And you definitely wouldn’t blank a child the next day - that alone would cause me to end a relationship.

This OP.

Your daughter needs your attention.

She was definitely not in a place for a man to move in.

Certainly not one that is involved in bed time, and puts his hands on her, and is now blanking her.

Time he moved out IMO.

I'd like to know more about his behaviour... If he calmly and firmly in a stern voice told her not to do what she was doing, I think that's appropriate (and indeed you should have). Does it sound like shouting to you because you never use a strict voice with her? If on the other hand, he's viscerally angry/ criticising/attacking her, truly shouting then absolutely not on.

Similarly, what do you mean by blanking her? I feel like you are used to paying her constant attention - perhaps breaking off mid sentence your conversations with others if she asks for something? Might it be that anyone not treating dd as the shining sun feels like blanking to you? If he is firmly maintaining what he is doing, trying to show that she doesn't need to constantly be centre of attention, not allowing him to interrupt him etc, I think this is reasonable. If he is basically acting in a sulk and trying to be mean by ignoring her, then no that's obviously not ok.

Either way, I'm afraid you definitely need to work on setting down some clear boundaries with your dd.... for her sake as well as your own. As many others have said, her behaviour sounds out of order, unless she has sen. Sounds like you are creating a rod for your own back.

You have two issues here.

Your Dd and her sleep.

Your DP’s actions toward her. He’s an adult - blanking a child is not a behaviour I’d accept toward my child in her home.

what discussions did you have with them both before he moved in? Did your DD co-sleep right up until he moved in?

How new is the hitting?

Similarly, what do you mean by blanking her? I feel like you are used to paying her constant attention - perhaps breaking off mid sentence your conversations with others if she asks for something? Might it be that anyone not treating dd as the shining sun feels like blanking to you?

OP has been asked about the lead up to the blanking but hasn't answered.

You've been far too soft and now you're seeing the results. Your DP didn't handle things well, but I can see why he was frustrated.

I cannot believe the number of posters excusing the partners behaviour. He should have zero input in this, and any manhandling of my daughter like this would have resulted in instant ejection from my house and my life. There is absolutely no excuse for an unrelated male who only recently moved in to even be in your daughters bedroom. Tell him to move back out, your daughter is so young still and needs your protection. The hitting and screaming will stop once he's gone, and then you can work on the insomnia. And no, of course she won't still be sleeping in your bed when she's 16 fgs.

This. I feel immensely sorry for your daughter. She's obviously lashing out in response to you moving this bloke into her house, who you're now naively expecting to play happy families with. I'm usually the last to jump on the LTB bandwagon but if any man came into my house and started trying to discipline my child he'd be fucking gone. Your child's welfare is more important than than you getting laid. Get rid of him.

You need to start being much much firmer.

Frankly in your DP's shoes I'd be moving out.

Get rid of him.

If OP is going to, (although if I was the DP I would be leaving as there is no way I would put up with screaming, kicking and hitting,) I suggest she gets into no more relationships.

I can't imagine anyone if they were honest witnessing this and thing it was ok.

It’s incredible how many people on this thread think that an 8 year old should have better control of her emotions than a fully grown man.

This - and I would certainly NOT be allowing him to move her legs. That is a huge, huge overstep on his part.

Your DP’s actions toward her. He’s an adult - blanking a child is not a behaviour I’d accept toward my child in her home.

Agree with this also.

Ultimately, she comes first. It would be wise to help her settle herself, but your partner needs to keep his beak well and truly out of when and how you do that. One of my children was still coming into our bed at 8 or 9. He's a very balanced, independent 17yo now. If the hitting and shoving is a new behaviour, I would suspect she is trying to communicate something you're not wanting to hear in another way - quite possibly something about your partner. I think it may be time for him to move out again, tbqh.

He has no business in your DD's bedroom and he should be able to let you parent your DD without negative comment, losing his rag or with a face like a smacked arse.

Some of the comments on here are typical Mumsnet where everyone is a perfect parent and of course it's always - always - the mum's fault when all we have here is a snapshot of your parenting.

Regardless of your parenting skills or your DD's behaviour, he needs to butt out if he can't be constructive or helpful.

This. I feel immensely sorry for your daughter. She's obviously lashing out in response to you moving this bloke into her house, who you're now naively expecting to play happy families with. I'm usually the last to jump on the LTB bandwagon but if any man came into my house and started trying to discipline my child he'd be fucking gone

Yep, me too ^^

Your DD's behaviour needs addressing, but with patience and love and listening to her, NOT with punishments.

Good luck, OP.

it is in OPs interest to get her daughter to be more independent. Because can you imagine the next 10-15 years with this daughter? There will be no relationships.

And no, of course she won't still be sleeping in your bed when she's 16 fgs

Well who knows. There are posters that have said their 11 and 13 years olds still do.

You need to sit down with OH and work out a new bedtime routine for DD - one that she has input to. Lots of talking about being a big girl now, asking her what would help her: books, lights, music, stories on player etc.? Lots of rewards for getting it right etc. And lots of calm - once it becomes a big fight then she will find it even harder.

But don't do it right now when there has been a big row - let it lie for a week and then try a new regime.

If I were him, I'd be getting the f*ck out of Dodge, PDQ.

Absolutely this. Putting aside your daughter's behaviour and how you manage this, he should not be getting involved like this.
It sounds massively unhelpful to have two adults in her room at bedtime, when one of those is not her parent.

He is an adult and he needs to behave like one. If he cannot handle the situation, then he leaves. It really is as simple as that.

I think you do need to get to the bottom of this behaviour and the cause as there is obviously something going on for your daughter.

You need to sit down with OH and work out a new bedtime routine for DD.

Why should her partner be involved in this conversation? He isn't her parent, or even a step parent. Inappropriate, as well as confusing for her DD.