Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

Completely agree.

THAT is what you take away from this?
A little girl acting out, because a grown man is physically imposing his will on her - but somehow it's HER fault, & you give the man a free pass?

"She should know better" is bollocks. Of course she 'knows' she ought to go to sleep. But she can't. It's horrible, insomnia, & especially hard for kids to manage. Pile on top of that the fact that mummy now sleeps with the new man who shouts at her, instead of mummy soothing her to sleep ... fucksake.

Ok so you end the relationship and then what ? She will continue to hit because she now knows that works with you. You will still be sitting with the same problem. You have left the discipline up to him by being wet as you admit, and then you have a problem with it. You need to be the one disciplining here and you have stepped away from that. Do you really want a horrible teen on your hands ?

This is absolutely 100% spot on. Having been in these exact shoes myself, The only fix was him moving out and me fixing my parenting, I’m happy to say things are loads better now but it requires a lot of parenting work, hard boundaries and a reward system. You don’t want this to continue into puberty believe me.

Big red flags OP. Regardless of your daughter's behaviour, he does not get to shout at her. He is exacerbating the situation. He most definately does not get to ignore your daughter in your house. As I've read many times on here - he is showing you who he is. Believe him.

It’s incredible how many people on this thread think that an 8 year old should have better control of her emotions than a fully grown man.

Please do teach her things to do to self-sooth!

This is really important for her future. This would be a loving thing to do.
You can't be her comfort object forever.

Perhaps look online for ways to reduce that panic felt after a nightmare (control of breathing - putting a light on - saying soothing words to yourself ... reading something soothing - turning on a quiet radio etc.)

Be there as the 'second string' for if she can't get her heart-rate down and her panic to subside.

Actually ask her not to wake you or at least to think twice about it... because you feel really tired and would appreciate the sleep. (Even though she is 11, she might not have considered that waking you feels bad to you.)

".... but you risk her turning into a complete brat if you do not nip this in the bud now..."

She is a complete brat already, & needs to be taught what is acceptable behaviour - by OP, not DP.

Oh sod off.

You clearly have no clue about childhood insomnia, & the variety of issues around it impacting both cause & effect.

Do you think the DP has "special needs"?
Is that why you're glossing over his shouting & physical restraint/manhandling?

How well do you think YOU would sleep, if some giant man was hulking over you when you were upset, shouting at you & pushing you back into bed?

Oh dear OP, why you thought the relationship was ever going to work with a child who is so dependant on you is beyond me, I can imagine this does get tiresome, every evening losing his DP and having an 8yo screaming and hitting, must be exhausting for you all.

my SS is the same age, sleeps in his mums bed, always has and he refers to it as ‘his and mummy’s bed’, he has an unhealthy attachment to her to the point he misbehaves at school by physically injuring people so he gets sent home. He sleeps perfectly fine by himself in his own room here but his mum doesn’t see any issues. Not healthy at all. 😞

you need to sort her sleep out regardless of whether you decide to end it with your DP or not.

You had the DD before the partner. What gives him the right to say how a child not related to him is treated.
Is it your house or his? It it is your house make sure he knows it.

Is he contributing to the household?
I was in much the same position as you and the DC in the same age group. He could be testing to see how much importance he has with you. Children need to be cared for and helped a grown adult does not

And ... the DARVO award of the thread goers to ...
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

My dd slept in our room until she was 13. It’s really quite common. She has anxiety and just didn’t feel safe.

Yeah you can tough it out, but it might not make any difference.

The hitting/shoving thing is very new, and I’m not sure where it’s come from

It may be because you’ve always ‘given in’ quite quickly and now that you’re not she’s confused so she’s lashing out.

He needs to not be involved with bedtimes at all right now. Getting angry and frustrated won’t help and you’re her mum.

Sleep issues are the worst thing ever because you’re tired but the key is consistency.

She’s had 8 years of sleeping with you so don’t think it’s going to magically change in a few days.

You need to speak to her about it during the day and come up with a reward system. Like you’re a big girl now so you need to sleep in your own room. Have a reward chart and every time she does it add a sticker and at the end of the week she gets a treat based on how many stickers she gets. Or she gets a small treat the next day or something.

I wouldn’t dismiss the idea that she’s probably quite afraid of sleeping by herself so getting angry with her is going to make bed times a lot worse. So perhaps do things like leave the door open and hallway light on.
I always shared a room with my sister and whenever she went for a sleepover I would be really afraid and I’d kick up a fuss but I didn’t want to admit I was scared.

I have a pal with a kid like this. He's a hulking teen now, but the poor lad had a hellish time with his sleep, & still needs to take melatonin & watch his bedtime routine.

DD needs professional help, not 'extreme discipline'.
And a bit of expert support for her mother would no doubt be welcome too.

OP did he shout No or did he say it firmly slightly raised.

also at 8years old this behaviour is not acceptable and I think you need to be firmer and set boundaries and maybe attend parenting classes if you can't discipline

Yeah, at 60, I should be able to get to sleep by myself.
Aren't I wilful & disobedient.
Maybe send a man round to shout at me until I see sense, huh?

I can understand how you would get into the routine of sleeping with her when you were single. Did you also allow her to stay up later than you want her to now? Understandable for a bit of company at the time and both of you happy. However, if your dp has only moved in this year she has had seven years of this routine and knows no different. Of course she wants to continue with this and of course you want to change it now. You are the parent though not your dp. I think this is a battle he needs to stay out of or it could ruin a relationship between the two of them. She's your daughter and you are going to love her regardless of behaviour, not necessarily so for your dp. Be calmly firm with them both. Explain to your dp that it's going to take time and patience to reassure your dad that although bed time routines have changed your love for her hasn't. At the same time be calmly firm with your dd making sure you are consistent in your approach. Hopefully when your dp sees you taking a long term, consistent approach he will back off. 💐

So this man knew about her sleep issues and your routine if you were together for three years. He accepted it at least on the surface. Now he moved in,decided it's unacceptable and is pushing(sometimes physically so) for change. Of course her behaviour is escalating and deteriorating. Not only does she have the upheaval of a man now leaving in her house, but her night routine is disrupted,turned into a confrontation and her "safety" blanket taken away.

This man might hate the situation, but as an adult he has choices. He can suck it up and try and compromise with OP staying in DD's bedroom until she falls asleep, he can move back out or he can end the relationship entirely. The kid has none.

OP, if your routine isn't working for you (or your DD in terms of development and independence) anymore,by all means start to make changes,but don't do it for this man or to keep the peace with him.

I cannot believe the number of posters excusing the partners behaviour. He should have zero input in this, and any manhandling of my daughter like this would have resulted in instant ejection from my house and my life. There is absolutely no excuse for an unrelated male who only recently moved in to even be in your daughters bedroom. Tell him to move back out, your daughter is so young still and needs your protection. The hitting and screaming will stop once he's gone, and then you can work on the insomnia. And no, of course she won't still be sleeping in your bed when she's 16 fgs.

DD not dad 😊

This. You need help.

As for her screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal...
words fail me. You have created a rod for your own back. How did you get to a point where you seriously think that screaming and hitting is no more serious than "less than ideal"?

i have some sympathy for him with the bedtime. I do agree that you need to try and sort this out. Your line above made me worried - that he blanked her. My son was 9 when I started a relationship with the father of my DS2 and DD. Things were ok at first, but I was young when I had him and my parents used to let him get away with a lot. That said he wasn’t a bad kid when my parents weren’t around. But if he fell out with him for some reason he would blank him for days, sometimes weeks. I couldn’t tolerate that. I ended things. He said to me at the time he would be just as hard behaviour wise with his own kids. And he was, but the difference being he’s not blanked his own kids ever, as if they upset him for some reason he will sort it out. Don’t let him start going down this road blanking your daughter. Have a chat with him and tell him you want to sort out bedtime

If you were OK with your DD sleeping in your room until she was 13, then that's totally up to you. If you and your partner were both able to live with that, then it's nobody else's business - as you say, I'm sure there are other families in the same situation.

However, in this case, one partner isn't able to live with that, and it's not unreasonable of him to find it impossible. That doesn't mean OP is wrong to continue with it, but she does need to accept that it might mean the end of her relationship. Nobody here deserves to be miserable - neither the OP, or her partner, or her DD. At the moment, all three are, so the OP and her partner need to come to some agreement one way or another to either compromise and manage DD's sleep issues/violent behaviour in a way they can both handle, or separate if that's simply impossible.