Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

It didn’t sit well with me at all.

Yet your DD screaming and hitting you at 8yo seems to be batted off as nothing

Does she have any other behavioural issues? Does she scream/shout at you and hit you at other times?

How do you deal with unwanted behaviours?

She is a lot like her dad z who you were inappropriate relationship with and it didn't work out. Is this because his hehaviour was shocking as well. Sorry OP but this is bratty behaviour and you are pandering to it. She's 8 - she should be in her own bed at bedtime and not throwing tantrums kicking and hitting you. She is running rings around you. I'm not saying don't be there for your daughter, of course you should. I feel there is inconsistency around bedtime and her behaviour. Perhaps you need to come up with strategies and stick to them.consistency is key. Thisbehaviour would piss me off it was my child, none the less someone else's. I totally get her being upset frightened and unsettled but kicking, hitting and screaming is an absolute no no in this household.

I wouldn’t put up with a partner’s 8 year old behaving this way, I’m not surprised he’s fed up.

if you want your relationship to work, I would sit down calmly with him to discuss the issue, agree on a game plan to change this behaviour & then you put that in to place - not him.

Sorry that was meant to say "alot like her dad who you were in a relationship with that didn't work out"

Agree with this. Who is in charge here? Come on OP, be the adult and put some boundaries in place or you risk having no partner and a spoilt brat daughter. It’s not too late to turn this around.

Oh dear, I'm on your dp's side here... Sounds like your kid needs some boundaries setting. I wouldn't put up with this from any child older than a toddler really, and even a toddler would know this behaviour was unacceptable..

What do you mean by your DP shouting? There is a big difference between saying 'No' loudly and firmly, and yelling with barely-controlled anger. The former is appropriate but obviously the latter isn't going to help the situation.

The trouble with having one parent who is overly weak is that the other parent/step parent can feel compelled to overcompensate, and ends up being more of a disciplinarian than perhaps they would like. Then the problem gets more and more entrenched because the child exploits the situation and the disciplinarian gets more and more frustrated.

You need to parent your child OP. I'm with your DP on this.

He isn’t a parent. He should not be doing this. You should have kicked him out of the room the second he touched your daughter in this scenario and if he didn’t leave immediately, You should have kicked him out of the house.

lots of 8 year olds have trouble with sleep. If you deal with it calmly and with a bit of love and understanding, they grow out of it pretty soon. As they say, no kid goes to university with mom in tow. There is a wealth of room between hard-ass and complete capitulation. Sometimes that means kids ending up needing support at night and that means non-related partners are a problem. If you want to have a household like this you just have to accept it. Sometimes a kid needs mom or dad. As long as it’s occasional, the non-related adult just has to deal. Biological parents get privilege here because everyone can stay and cuddle up together.

Tbh, he’s only shouting because @lanabye isn’t stepping up and giving her dd the essential tools for life.

this is no different to Disney Dads, it’s completely ineffective and hellish to live with.

At 8, unless she has special needs, she should be able to get to sleep by herself. Ideally you would have done this prior to your boyfriend moving in. Now if you try to tackle it, she's going to link the two things and will feel resentment towards him.

If I was your DP I'd be moving out, your DDs behaviour is appalling as is yours at allowing her to rule the roost with her temper and hitting you.

lots of 8 year olds have trouble with sleep

They may do. Lots of 8yo don't kick, hit and scream at a parent.

• *Pp is right OP is behaving like a disney parent and unless she puts a stop to it it will escalate.

I try my absolute best with regards to parenting. My mental health isn’t great so sometimes I do go along with things with clearly come back to bite me. The hitting/shoving thing is very new, and I’m not sure where it’s come from.

The thing that triggered this post was that he came in from work and pretty much blanked DD.

YANBU in thinking this is a huge barrier. I think there are two separate issues you need to address:

1. Your DD's behaviour isn't appropriate. Whether you choose to continue to stay with her until she falls asleep (personally, I'd start weening her off this level of support) or not, you need to have firm rules in place about treating you with respect i.e. she is not to scream at you or hit you.
2. Separately, you and your DP need to sit down and have an honest conversation about expectations in relation to parenting. What exactly is it ok for him to say/do? This is for you to tell him. Is it ok for him to say firmly, for example, 'please don't speak to me/your mum like that'? You need to be clear about your boundaries in relation to your child. He may then decide that your rules don't work for him, which may mean a change - or and end - to your relationship; that's his choice. But this discussion needs to happen if you don't want to continue having the same argument over and over again.

I agree with this. Physically forcing her to do something against her will is shitty, she can’t match his strength. And him blanking her is appalling.

How new? Is it a reaction to him moving in?

Not to be harsh, but this just feels like you're drip feeding so people are on your side and not your dp's..

Obviously blanking an 8 year old isn't nice, but if you really have an issue with your dp then break up. But the thing most posters are concerned with is your child's behaviour.

Mental health issues are bloody hard. I was a fairly shit parent when my eldest were little (I was depressed and never left the house, they were loved and cared for but missed a lot of experiences etc because of me), but I do accept this and I am always trying to be a better parent.

Nobody is perfect, that's ok. Your life will be a lot better if you start dealing with your daughters behaviour.

Three separate issues.

1. your DD hitting you is not acceptable at all and definitely not at this age. FWIW my son is 9 and has ASD. He’s always had trouble sleeping alone. We took a gentle approach and discussed with him and, frankly, bribed him to get him happy alone. We let him have a fun nightlight, he has a music player, and can basically do as he pleases in his room until he’s ready to drift off. What will help her? What is she worried about?
2. It’s perfectly reasonable for your DP to not like her hitting you but he should not be touching her. Why is he tending to her at bedtime? She feels usurped. Him going to her won’t help.
3. Ignoring her is childish and would have me reconsidering the relationship as he sounds like a twit.

They may do. Lots of 8yo don't kick, hit and scream at a parent

She's probably struggling to adjust to having a man move into her home, a man that stops her from sleeping with her mother (it's not the child's fault the op co slept for so long), a man that thinks he has a right to put his hands on her, a man that blanks her.

People need to realise all this adult crap of breakups and getting with new partners can really affect a child. How would any adult feel if a stranger was moved into your home, speaks harshly and takes the attention of the one you love most?

It's up to you how you parent your daughter, obviously - she is your child. But if your boyfriend is going to live with you and your daughter, your parenting choices are of course going to have a big impact on him and his daily life.

I'll be brutally honest: I would have walked away from a relationship in which my partner's child was sleeping in his bed every night and screamed and hit him when she didn't get her own way. That would be challenging behaviour from a three year old. Your daughter is eight.

Again, if you are OK with it and think your approach is correct and that your daughter's behaviour is within the realms of being acceptable for a child of her age, that is totally your choice. You are her parent. But I couldn't take on the role of a step-parent alongside someone who did things your way because I'd be really uncomfortable with behaviour on your part that (to me) would seem incredibly passive and feeble. I find it really hard to be around people who allow themselves to be walked all over whether it's a by a child or an adult, and for some reason there is a real ick factor for me in what I would perceive as infantilisation. An eight-year-old behaving like a toddler - and a difficult toddler at that - and that behaviour being indulged is just not something I personally could live with. So I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from.

Not saying that his approach is right either - I've no idea. But I am an entirely unsurprised that he's finding this difficult to live with and I don't think that will change so I think you need a good long conversation about how you see things panning out in terms of the way you parent your daughter together, and whether the three of you can live together harmoniously. If the answer is no, the answer is no.

@OneEyedPenguin

I couldn’t agree more with your post.

I don’t really get what he did wrong. Bit like placing a toddler back in bed with a stern goodnight.

you giving in feeds her terrible behaviour and there is no way she should be screaming and hitting you.

Its simple bed time is X time. I don’t expect to see you back downstairs unless your I’ll or injured. Goodnight.

if she comes down you take her back to her room and say goodnight, or you ask her why she’s downstairs and if not ill or injured tell her to go back to bed. If she ignores then either walk her up but do not stay or just ignore her and let her be bored sitting on the floor/sofa you do not sit her in room for her to fall asleep she’s not a toddler or a baby. Make coming down as boring and not fun for her as possible.

The if she's screaming at you and hitting you you need to.start getting angry. Woman up ffs and grow a backbone. That is not an acceptable way to be treated.