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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to make an official complaint about cashier telling me to lose weight?

284 replies

LMCOA · 20/06/2022 14:29

On Saturday, I needed to return some jeans to my local well-known supermarket, as they were too small.

I smiled, handed them over to the cashier and said "Could I please have a refund on these, unfortunately they don't fit".

She took them, laughed and said "You should lose weight then."

I kind of giggled in embarrassment, and got away as quickly as I could. I was very, VERY upset and had an awful weekend. I have BPD so I don't know if my reaction was a normal one, because I don't always have 'normal' reactions.

I'm 42, size 20, struggling with an autoimmune issue (which the doctors can't pin down) and menopausal. I am TRYING to lose weight but it's just not happening at the moment. Her comment broke me.

My friends are encouraging me to make a formal complaint.

What do you lot think?

OP posts:

RangeStew · 20/06/2022 18:10

@Antarcticant You may not have found it insulting, I did.
Imagine if it had been someone on the bones of their arse who really did need the money who she said it to!
She had no right to pass any comment without invite.

ClinkeyMonkey · 20/06/2022 18:32

Absolutely complain. Even if it was a 'joke', it was wildly inappropriate. And to those who are wondering if there's any point in complaining, would you be saying the same thing if the remark was racist? Sexist? Disablist? What's the tipping point? The member of staff should at the very least be reminded to be polite to customers. Perhaps that member of staff needs to be working in a non customer facing role if they can't keep their thoughts to themselves. There must be stock to put out, inventories to be kept. Or whatever.

Ohthatsexciting · 20/06/2022 19:39

RangeStew · 20/06/2022 16:50

I would complain, the assistant was completely out of order. Whether you will get an outcome any other than a standard apology is hard to say, but at least complaining may make the assistant think twice about what she says to a customer in future if the complaint is raised with her by management.
I remember a good few years ago when I was visiting the UK and I went to the post office to exchange some Euros for sterling and the woman serving me said ' you would be better hanging on to these, but I suppose you need the money ' I tore a strip off her there and then and then wrote a strong letter of complaint to the manager.
Like the assistant who spoke to the op, she had no right to make an assumption, much less voice it.

She was no doubt saying that the exchange rate was very poor and you would be better off waiting

but you knee jerked and went for the jugular

Ohthatsexciting · 20/06/2022 19:40

May I ask if you received any response from the manager?
Although I suppose if you had, you would have mentioned

hamstersarse · 20/06/2022 19:46

but you knee jerked and went for the jugular

The story of our time.

No giving people the benefit of the doubt, no forgiveness.

This is always from people who constantly claim to be kind.

It is nasty to want this person sacked for such a relatively minor event. Small minded nastiness.

Say something at the time, don’t laugh, walk off then ask for them to be fired. As I said, juvenile.

ludocris · 20/06/2022 19:47

In context, it could have been a joke.
My trousers don't fit - well then lose weight.

@Gwenhwyfar it doesn't make a difference whether it was an attempt at a joke. It's still completely inappropriate.

ludocris · 20/06/2022 19:51

hamstersarse · 20/06/2022 19:46

but you knee jerked and went for the jugular

The story of our time.

No giving people the benefit of the doubt, no forgiveness.

This is always from people who constantly claim to be kind.

It is nasty to want this person sacked for such a relatively minor event. Small minded nastiness.

Say something at the time, don’t laugh, walk off then ask for them to be fired. As I said, juvenile.

What's juvenile is hanging out on mumsnet, waiting for any thread to come along that you can make an argument out of, purely for entertainment. There's no way on God's green earth that you think this was an acceptable way for the cashier to respond to a customer returning a pair of jeans. You're just spoiling for a fight, like a teenager hanging out asking every bloke who walks past 'what they're looking at' in the hope that one of them takes the bait.

hamstersarse · 20/06/2022 19:54

@ludocris

i think the comment was insensitive.

But for gods sake, it’s not something to try and get someone fired over. You know that. Or if you don’t, I don’t know what to say to you as you must never have made a mistake in your speech in all of your life.

Also, say something at the time fgs. We are supposed to be adults.

blubberyboo · 20/06/2022 19:56

No I don’t think you should complain.
this was obviously a throwaway comment that she likely converses with customers 20 times a day. in the life of retail you have the same conversation over and over.

people come to the counter and they are not memorable. They bring back stuff for refunds and I bet they all say “this doesn’t fit I must need to lose weight. Har de har har”

over and over and over again….

she probs didn’t really get a good look at your size behind the counter and she likely wasn’t even really looking at you

she didn’t see your weight because she didn’t see you! She was just parroting the same old lines that get parroted to her.

ludocris · 20/06/2022 21:01

hamstersarse · 20/06/2022 19:54

@ludocris

i think the comment was insensitive.

Also, say something at the time fgs. We are supposed to be adults.

The OP never said she was trying to get the employee fired.

LeniGray · 20/06/2022 21:27

I would complain, I think that’s an unacceptable comment, even if meant as a joke. I would just ask that their staff be reminded not to make inappropriate personal comments, surely that’s not too much to ask?

LivingstonDaisies · 20/06/2022 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Beingadiv · 20/06/2022 23:07

Complain 100%. It is absolutely not a shop assistants place to be advising you on your weight. And its rude. Totally understandable you laughed at the time, out of surprise.

Original poster

LMCOA · 21/06/2022 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm so pleased that you have never been in the situation that you were so embarrassed or upset with that you just laughed as a nervous response, because you didn't know how to react. I hope that you are never in that position.

It took me two days because for a number of reasons;

I have BPD, which is a serious MH condition (but you'll know that already, given that you read my original post) and I have been dealing with my emotions over this
I had a big fundraiser at church on Saturday night, which I pretty much single-handedly organised and was busy running around buying a shed-load of alcohol/food/decs/etc during the day
I was singing in the band at the gig, so was kind of distracted by that
I was at church on Sunday morning, because I work in Ministry

At no point did I find her comment funny, and I have not once implied that I did.

Also, to the other couple of people that keep saying the same thing - I have never said that I want her fired.

I don't give a s* if you think I'm juvenile. Maybe read up on BPD/EUD before being so insensitive.

OP posts:

hamstersarse · 21/06/2022 06:12

On the contrary, your bpd diagnosis is probably playing into this scenario.

This is an over reaction and you don’t need to complain. And it will probably cause you more upset to make the complaint.

I am sure your church preaches forgiveness, and that would be a much healthier option - for you. Really try and forgive this person, who made a mistake, without needed to enact vengeance.

ludocris · 21/06/2022 06:21

hamstersarse · 21/06/2022 06:12

On the contrary, your bpd diagnosis is probably playing into this scenario.

This is an over reaction and you don’t need to complain. And it will probably cause you more upset to make the complaint.

I am sure your church preaches forgiveness, and that would be a much healthier option - for you. Really try and forgive this person, who made a mistake, without needed to enact vengeance.

It is not an overreaction in the slightest. If you want to go with the generous assumption that the cashier didn't realise that her words were hurtful, then this is an opportunity for her to be told that this isn't how to speak to customers. To call it vengeance is absolutely ludicrous. When people make mistakes at work, they need to be told so that it doesn't happen again. It's as simple as that.

Gingermoth · 21/06/2022 06:29

Mark 11:25. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your father in heaven may forgive you your sins

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 06:36

hamstersarse · 20/06/2022 19:54

@ludocris

i think the comment was insensitive.

Also, say something at the time fgs. We are supposed to be adults.

I am totally with you @hamstersarse

and the number of mumsnet threads I have seen about people saying what they have said and then kicked themselves

we never got an idea of how old this assistant was.

17, first job, foot in mouth. Or someone just not with it and still squirming when they think what they said

Either way, a decent employer won’t haul her in on the basis of one complaint. Will likely just throw in “don’t remark on customer personal appearance btw” at the end of a staff meeting

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 06:48

LMCOA · 20/06/2022 14:40

That's harsh.

I would end the letter by saying I would like to know what disciplinary action is going to be taken.

Show quote history

A decent employer will say

“I am very sorry to hear of your experience in one of our stores. I can assure you that during staff training we make clear that employees should not comment on customer appearances. I will ensure that all managers are asked to reiterate this important requirement during staff meetings.”

and I can be pretty confident that a decent employer will absolutely not haul in the names employee. It will be raised generally. And no disciplinary action whatsoever

ludocris · 21/06/2022 06:48

@Ohthatsexciting and that would be perfectly adequate IMO.

I made mistakes in my first jobs as a teenager. If those mistakes hadn't been pointed out to me, I may have made them again and again and ended up getting fired.

This is how we all learn.

But again, I don't believe I'm really having to point this out. You know this stuff. This is just about having a debate for debate's sake isn't it.

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 07:01

ludocris · 21/06/2022 06:48

@Ohthatsexciting and that would be perfectly adequate IMO.

I made mistakes in my first jobs as a teenager. If those mistakes hadn't been pointed out to me, I may have made them again and again and ended up getting fired.

This is how we all learn.

But again, I don't believe I'm really having to point this out. You know this stuff. This is just about having a debate for debate's sake isn't it.

Sadly though it won’t do for those gunning for this person to be sacked or disciplined

thankfully - most in decent retail will know an individual employer is very unlikely to be hauled in on basis of one customer, and instead will be raised generally as a point in a staff meeting.

ludocris · 21/06/2022 07:02

@Ohthatsexciting I don't think anyone is gunning for this person to be sacked?

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 07:09

Some have specifically said “she will be sacked”

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 07:09

She has been called some pretty heinous names

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 07:11

rude bitch
twat

and that was just on page 1

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