Finger in bum

[Scentedstock]

Is it me or are men becoming increasingly pornsick?

I met a man yesterday for drinks and decided to go back to mines. I was sexually attracted to him, felt safe but knew a relationship would not be on the cards (incompatible). I was horny so went ahead for shag - something about the summer heat.

Sex was great - hot and steamy BUT during the heat of it all he put his finger in my bum. No discussion. I asked him about it and he said ‘woman like it - do you want me to stop?’ To which he immediately did.

is it just me or are men becoming increasingly blatant with these porn type moves when you have only just met? Maybe I am naive. AIBU to feel men should stop pulling these weird moves during a fling. It just seems to expected now a days. I just want a bit of missionary and a glass of wine to liven up my weekend - not feel like an extra in a porn movie.

@pixie5121 She is very clearly talking about consent, you don't have to use the word consent to be talking about consent - she said he'd done it without 'discussion', discussion covers consent.

If you really didn't understand that, you would be the one in need of an adult literacy course.

However, you do of course understand it, which is why you first post says what it does.

You are just embarrassed by the fact your response has been pulled up by several people, and trying to dig yourself out of it. Leaving the thread would limit your embarrassment rather better.

Tbh I think it’s the risk with having ONS and I’m not “slut shaming” but what happens these days would put me off tbh, strangling seems to be another common one 😐

I wonder if all men who like to shove their fingers up a woman's butt, would be happy if it was done to them without asking.

Was it Euron Greyjoy?

Some people find the whole can I put this here or there off putting. An easy way around that is to say do you enjoy this and move very slowly once you have had a positive answer so you can be asked to stop at any time

Agree

Woah Tigger, just because someone has sex on a first date doesn't mean that ....
A. She's a slut, or any other variation.
B. She wants it any way or any how.

I like ice cream, but I wouldn't want a tub of it shoving up my minge!
If someone isn't sure that the other one may like or dislike something, then ask, don't just assume. What suits one isn't always going to suit another.
How would the bloke like it if you pulled out a strap on and said bend over, then said, well some blokes like it, when he objected!!
If a bloke tried to shove anything up my arse, he would be picking his teeth up!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think that until you’ve got consent from someone, assumptions based on their eagerness to sleep with you are not all encompassing for every single sexual activity listed.

or in simpler terms :

This is what some of you are saying :

if a person wants sex on the first date; they are likely to be up for any sex act beyond the expected PIV. Therefore they cannot complain if a man also sees this as an unspoken green light and goes for everything.

wow.

decades of feminism and we’re reduced to women telling us we have to put up with anything, any sex act, because we dared to desire on the first night

fucking hell

@Mally100 How many dates does it take to get a shag that doesn't involve anything unexpected and where is that written down? We're not psychic.

In my experience, about 50/50 tbh - not shoved, no one should be shoving anything anywhere without that being asked for specifically.

The idea that those of who think fucking random strangers is more ‘extreme’ than some mild butt play are ‘prudes’ is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen on here.

And there is far more misandry on this thread than misogny.
woman sleeps with randoms - ‘you go girl’
man tries to do a fairly mild and common act as part of it and stops when told to - ‘filthy, rapey, porn addled pervert’

Fuck me, I never thought of myself as being particularly kinky or out there, but MN never fails to amuse me.

Plenty of men would love to have a finger in their ass, yes.

And of course, those of us who aren't morons understand that there is a world of difference being 'without asking' meaning gently touching somewhere and seeing the reaction, and stopping immediately if the reaction is negative, and just jamming your finger up there suddenly. OP has made it clear that it was the former.

The hypocrisy of MN never fails to amuse me.

Having penetrative vaginal intercourse with a total stranger (risk = pregnancy, numerous STIs) = normal

Thinking a stranger you're shagging might enjoy a finger up their bum (zero pregnancy risk, pretty much zero STI risk) = pervent, weirdo, borderline rapist.

Mental.

God I know. Those dreadful women consenting to sex with someone they just met and then expecting them to understand that they actually have the right to not be assaulted by a finger up the arse without asking. I mean, what is the world coming to, won’t someone please think of the poor, poor men.

Misandry, sluts...this is all starting to sound familiar.

So do you think OP expected to give explicit verbal consent for:

Kissing
Oral
Touching?

If not, why not?

I have never had anyone explicitly ask if they're allowed to do something. It's always, always just moving to do the thing, and I either let it happen or make it clear I don't want it, and vice versa.

I'm pretty sure this is how most people operate.

An adult can do whatever they like, including have sex with a random. I don’t see any criticism of the man in this situation. But choosing to have sex with the random doesn’t mean that the random can then please himself about the entire encounter. That’s not how it works in a consensual encounter.

And It’s hardly mental to expect someone to ask before sticking a finger up your arse. I have sex with my husband often and I wouldn’t be impressed if he did that out of the blue. It’s somewhat disturbing that you think he should be able to do whatever he likes just because I’ve chosen to have sex with him and he thinks I might enjoy it.

Except that's not what I said and you're attacking a strawman. Seems to be a favourite thing to do on Mumsnet.

I said a man would be fairly reasonable to assume that a woman happy to have sex with a stranger might also be happy to try some stuff that isn't missionary sex. This is the question she is asking - is he unreasonable to do this stuff with a casual partner/fling? The answer is IMO, no.

She has already made it clear it wasn't forceful...she seems to think he's a porn-addicted twisted pervert for 'going there' at all. Presumably she didn't mind him touching her vag without asking because in her eyes that's 'normal'.

Is it really so difficult to understand that sticking something in a different orifice warrants consent?

Your assumption is not only unreasonable, it’s completely and utterly wrong. This has actually been hugely helpful as it explains a lot about why men continue to be so rapey. Clearly we need to sit the lot of them down and explain that consenting to one act categorically does not equal consenting to everything that they might want to do.

@pixie5121 so by your reckoning, the fact that a woman sleeps with someone on the first meeting, gives that someone the green light to do as they wish to her?
Should she give him a blowie, even if she hates it, because she's only just met him?
Be slapped, choked, bitten, hung upside down by her ankles, pissed on? Just because she has sex on first meeting?
It's not common, people think it's common because it happens in porn, therefore everyone must be doing it or enjoying it.
Probably the same people who think coronation Street despicts real life.

If you're shagging a bloke on the first date then they probably think they can get away with slightly more boundary pushing stuff, especially if they know you're never going to see each other again. They will have less respect for you than someone they're in a long term relationship with, and be less concerned about pissing you off.

I'm not saying it doesn't warrant consent.

I'm asking why it requires EXPLICIT VERBAL CONSENT when nothing else does.

You seem to think there's some obvious, arbitrary line between what's 'normal' and what isn't.

Why?

I think it's unreasonable he didn't ask first before putting a finger up there!
i love a bit of anal myself and happy to do it as long as he's not big!