Finger in bum

[Scentedstock]

Is it me or are men becoming increasingly pornsick?

I met a man yesterday for drinks and decided to go back to mines. I was sexually attracted to him, felt safe but knew a relationship would not be on the cards (incompatible). I was horny so went ahead for shag - something about the summer heat.

Sex was great - hot and steamy BUT during the heat of it all he put his finger in my bum. No discussion. I asked him about it and he said ‘woman like it - do you want me to stop?’ To which he immediately did.

is it just me or are men becoming increasingly blatant with these porn type moves when you have only just met? Maybe I am naive. AIBU to feel men should stop pulling these weird moves during a fling. It just seems to expected now a days. I just want a bit of missionary and a glass of wine to liven up my weekend - not feel like an extra in a porn movie.

@ElenaSt reported - you are hateful. By this logic half the country isn't 'a person with feelings'.

@pixie5121 - you are woefully ignorant. When you have sex with someone for the first time, you ask them what they are up for, or you move slowly enough they can easily say no. You do not stick your finger in their arse with no warning.

Here's a video about consent, 'Consent - it's as simple as tea' - aimed at teenagers, but helpful for you.

What a cesspool MN has become.

Women like sex. Women like casual sex. Women like consent. They’re not mutually exclusive.

Shame on all of you slut shaming. Go clutch your pearls elsewhere.

I mean, there’s a happy medium! You wanted ‘missionary’ and a glass of wine - that would seem to be very boring sex for some people (I’m not judging you - each to their own!). I personally don’t think a finger up the bum is extreme, or anything to do with porn - people learn their ‘moves’ from other partners too, not just porn.

I have never had it done to me before. I did not find it unpleasant. I asked him a bit about it he said he is really into anal etc.

I was just going to find the link to the cup of tea video!

Yes, I already said that's what the norm is...moving slowly so the person can say no. The question wasn't whether suddenly ramming your finger in someone's arse is OK (to which the answer is no), it was whether it's unreasonable to ask whether more and more men are becoming pornsick (to which the answer is that finger in the arse isn't particularly out there or much of a 'weird move').

I wish more people knew how to read.

This.

But he should have asked.

I do think a bum finger in extreme. I think I am naive and quite sheltered tbh.

But the reason men expect it is because so many women do it.

And yet pointing this out is 'slut shaming'?

I think the main thing that puts me off casual sex is this kind of boundary pushing - which itself can be a kink.

I don't think it's remotely extreme. I'm not into anything particularly wild or kinky and have been doing that as long as I've been having sex, so nearly 20 years.

This is why threads like this descend into fighting and posters attacking strawmen - nobody is paying attention to what you're actually asking, which is whether the man was unreasonable to think you'd be up for a finger in the bum, and to which the answer, IMO, is no.

Did he actually STATE 'women like it'.. or did he just offer the opinion that in his experience, some women like it?

There is a big difference.

I still don't see how we get to either a rather bold statement or a opinion based on experience to him ORDERING you to like it...

No matter - he should figure out if its welcome before sticking anything anywhere. As should we all.

But what do we do these days, back when I bothered with sex (and was less likely to die as a result of orgasm), the norm appeared to be to tentatively explore one another and read the feedback accordingly - finger venturing near bum territory.. does that get a 'yes please' or a 'nope don't even think about it'.. etc.

Do we now sit and have a chat and check off things on a list, a wee spreadsheet of whats acceptable and what isn't?

With the way some posters here seem to want to ridicule and twist every comment a man utters, i can see some being pretty wary of just asking the question! 'OMG HE ASKED FOR ANAL, THE FILTHY BASTARD..' etc.

No @pixie5121 - it’s the people pointing out that because the OP chose sex on a first date, consent is no longer an issue as the expectation is “anything goes”

very strongly and respectfully disagree with that kind of assertion .

And as before, the guy was clearly trying to warm up to (badly) do anal - a one track mind with no consent particularly applying in the interaction.

and there was nothing about the recipient’s pleasure there otherwise he would have asked if they like it.

sorry OP if I’ve overstepped I’m just speaking from experience of some guys and the nonsense of not understanding how anal is something that is discussed, consent respected, it’s not a “is it fair conditions today.. oh! I see! You like this. Let’s go!”

But who said anything about 'anything goes'?

She agreed to have sex on the first date, which I think can reasonably be read as someone who isn't prudish and inexperienced. He went to put his finger in her bum because this is something most women he's been with have liked. She didn't like it, so he stopped.

I imagine OP has a list of things she considers 'normal', which she wouldn't expect to be asked for explicit consent for. For many of us, something like a finger in the bum isn't really any different from a finger in the vag...it's in the same general category is stuff you'd expect when having sex. It's not like he took out a gimp mask.

Anything someone hasn’t consented to is extreme.

That’s another thing that’s become quite normalised I mean what the fuck. If a man wants to stick his penis up an arse does he actually need a woman for that. Is he a closet gay but he can’t actually come out and admit that so the next best thing is to use a woman’s anal passage with all the biological implications that come with that.

my friend is a nurse and she deals quite regularly with prolapse is caused by dicks going where they’re not meant to.

Plenty of women have prolapse from having babies, but the majority still go ahead and do that.

He said ‘woman like it’ - he was in no way trying to change my mind I think just explaining why he did it in the heat of the moment I guess.

the norm you used to get was the oops wrong hole wasnt it?! I remember it happening to me several times when I was younger. Now adays they just go for it 😂

I can read very well @pixie5121 The OP's opening line was about what porn might be normalising. She went on to say that he had done it without discussion, and she thinks men should stop pulling these weird moves.

She opened out the conversation from moves that might inspired by porn, to the need to ask for consent for those moves.

Which you know very well, because that's what you replied to in your first post:

I find it a bit weird that you're criticising a man for doing a sexual act when you've only just met when you're....having intercourse with a man you've only just met.

How is he supposed to know where the line is?!

And the answer to this, is he's supposed to ask for consent.

What you wrote was unpleasant and ignorant. Fortunately the OP is sensible enough to ignore you.

She didn't once mention the word 'consent'.

Her issue is mostly with the perception that men are influenced by porn to try out what she considers 'weird moves' and is asking whether men should be going for these moves during casual sex.

Whether or not you need to ask for explicit verbal consent for every single thing you do in bed is an entirely separate issue.

I suggest an adult literacy course.

“She agreed to have sex on the first date, which I think can reasonably be read as someone who isn't prudish and inexperienced.”

how can you possibly get this from just one instance?

i was in two relationships for 9 years. I then had my first one night stand. Where was I on the prude / slut scale?

He went to put his finger in her bum because this is something most women he's been with have liked. She didn't like it, so he stopped.

replace the finger with PIV scenario - “she didn’t like it so he stopped”.

isn’t there a layer of something that comes before that? Or am I unrealistic in imagining what consent looks like these days?

I remember sleeping with someone in the 90's and he did the same. Think its always been a thing for some men not just to do with widespread porn now.

Yeah awful behaviours from him, though I thought finger in bum was quite normal. Maybe not every time and definitely something you ask consent for but not 'extreme'. I'd say asphyxiation is extreme not a finger.

It's been ever such a long time OP..

Back in the day, yes there would be the 'whoops wrong hole' and hoping you'd say 'actually....' and there'd be the 'venture nearer and nearer and see if she says no' types..

I can't honestly recall shagging anyone who wasn't interested in anal, some would be more up front than others but my overall impression was, all men want to try it and its bugger all to do with being gay, closet gay, bi-curious or anything else.
It is simply FORBIDDEN and therefore instantly super attractive.

My view was that if I wanted casual sex, then I'd need to accept there would be some 'I don't know what your boundaries are' awkwardness and 'oops wrong hole' and so on. As long as everyone respects being told 'nope!' surely all's well?

If you want sex that absolutely never ventures near boundaries let alone strays across them.. thats longer term relationship sex, a thoroughly different beast.

But I don't expect many women to see the distinction there, as so very many are only interested in the latter type of sexual experience, and many of those are firmly of the opinion that casual sex for funsies is just wrong/filthy/bad/slutty etc etc.