Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

[Perfectworld]

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

@Bubblesandsqueak1 Should I be subsiding his child maintenance though as he has made it clear my expenses for my own DC won't be considered a joint cost (also I get no maintenance for my DC)???

Just suggest a joint bank account.

Soooo many fucking men do this! An ex did it to me back when I was trusting and naive.

Going 50/50 on rent and bills when there's such an income discrepancy means you are subsidising him. You're worse off than you would be alone and he's better off.

Lots of men will put the 'gold digger' card if you try to protest this. They say things like, it's not their fault you're a lower earner or it wouldn't be fair for them to pay a higher percentage. Do not fall for it. The fuckers know what they're doing.

I always think a joint pot should try and be 50/50%
So it’s proportional to your wages.

Yes he’ll be putting in £60k which may not seem fair to him to your £14k but he’ll also have £60k left over and you’ll only have £14k left over which is a lot less than him.

From the joint pot all of the bills should be paid and there should be no arguing who pays what. Any money left over can be used for holidays etc.

Where will the “joint savings” be kept? Will he agree to a guaranteed monthly sum to ensure parity? And what’s the plan for those savings?

he has made it clear my expenses for my own DC won't be considered a joint cost

As a single intent myself I am more than capable of looking after my DC and I’d never expect any man to pay for her - but if someone said this to me it would be the end of the relationship.

It doesn’t sound like he is very committed to this relationship.

He is subsiding yours and your child's living though you get a bigger house and extra support with your child, you should also be claiming maintenance for your child it all depends on cost of house though or do so either 70 30 or half the rent whichever is lessonce married it should be a joint pot not until

Joint account that all money is pooled or dont move in. Money can be a massive issue in any relationship but with sc on both sides it really is important you protect you and your child. Dont be stupid and settle for the unequal relationship.

he has made it clear my expenses for my own DC won't be considered a joint cost

Op just don't even go there.
His kids will be running around with the latest tech and flash trainers, uni funding, while your scraping by.

Stay on your own, you can rethink once the children are all adults.

@CallOnMe its not 120k though its 73 k after tax and ni vs ops 22.5 k he also pays 14k in child maintenance

So many good points made. It is a bit unfair of him but like a PP said once tax and bits come out he’s probably not taking home anywhere near that amount.

No offence to us girls at all, but once a man’s earning over £100k I feel like there defences do go up a bit too around money.

Could you see how you go for a few months and re-assess the sitch. I just mention that because because my DP earns way more than me and I probably would have argued for a proportion split when we moved in (as I’m also still paying for half my own mortgage with my sister as well as 50% rent with him) . In reality though he actually ends up paying for way more food, takeaways and day to day bits outside of bills so I’m actually better off to be honest.

xxx

If you are desperate enough to live with him that you are happy for you and DC to take a hit financially for the privilege than go for it, but to be honest it already sounds like you’re not (good for you!)
so just say thanks, but no thanks. He will either counter offer, or not. But I would be wary of agreeing anything with someone, who has already behaved like him, that could potentially leave you and DC up shits creek.

So.... he's looking to massively improve his own financial situation at your expense.

Don't move in with him. Seriously. His proposal is shockingly selfish and tone deaf to your financial situation and what you'll have to give up just to share a roof under his terms!

The problem is once she moves in, it's harder to a) leave B) renegotiate. She'd have given up her home so will now need to save up for the deposit, month in advance etc, not to mention the disruption of moving her child twice.

Op watch him squirm when you suggest that you should each be putting £1k into savings every month not him putting £2k away "joint" in his name.

He's made it clear he doesn't value your child so let him go. I can't help think there's a reason he's someone else's Ex.

bubbleandsqueak1 the £14k isn't CM alone though, it's the CM and his debt combined.

Do not move in with him.
He's using you.
You can't be this desperate for a pair of trousers - are you?

See, I would do it like this.

Both salaries are combined. Rent, bills, travel, debt, insurance, childcare, household and daily expenses (everything you have no choice about) is paid (including an agreed amount for basic clothing, basic haircuts, food and fuel, and health - glasses, dentist etc). Savings for DC further education etc, joint savings pots for emergencies, household maintenance or goods replacement and holidays/birthdays/Xmas are put into.

What’s left is split. Half is ‘family fund’ to pay for kids clubs and activities (if not budgeted for already), family days out, birthday meal or takeaways, visiting GPs and so on. 25 percent each is your spending money on personal expenses like additional grooming expenses, clothes, hobbies (and some individual savings would be very wise here.). If this means the family doesn’t have a lot of cash for kids stuff/family stuff, you bias it into the family’s favour, but each adult should still have an equal amount of discretionary spending which is theirs to spend in any way they wish without input from the other, unless they agree it simply isn’t possible in the budget. Everything else is a compromise.

You’re a family, you pool resources and redistribute according to need. And you sit down often (at first) and review it. It’s likely that a person doing more childcare will have more expenses that might count as ‘family’ even though the whole family isn’t present, if they are taking the children to play dates and clubs and so on. It’s possible that grooming or image is more important to some members than others and it may be that it is unfair to take say a haircut out before the split if one of you is having fancy high lights and the other has a dry trim. Or perhaps not, if you have a job where that level of presentation is required. Travel costs might come out of your personal pot if you want first class trains to work or a Porsche and the other drives an old banger. It’s a team budget, and team spending. If you’re not committed to that, well, you’re not a team, are you?

I’d be very, very wary of the split proposed. It deeply disadvantages you. He either doesn’t know or care about the impact on your personal finances and the inequality in the house. It’s not a recipe for a happy blended family.

Two things:

1. You can still claim child benefit. Your partner will just have to pay a tax charge at the end of the year as he is the higher earner.
2. I hope he won't do this, but when your daughter moves in, your partner is legally able to reduce the amount of CM he gives for his own child.

Would keeping the child benefit change anything?

Fuck that.

Don't move in with him. Your DC will be disadvantaged by your drop in benefits/income.

Have you discussed with him how hard it will be for you to split it the way he is suggesting?

He earns about 4 times your salary. Could you suggest you pay 20% of the bills and him 80% so proportionate to your earnings?

Exactly.

And this is the "honeymoon phase." Imagine his attitude when boredom sets in.

Keep your independence and focus on your child.

You mean £2K a month better off than you though don’t you?
Not £2K better off from you moving in together.

A joint pot is not the only way. Why should he give so much money to you (and your child - when their father isn’t) which reduces what he has for his own children?

I’ll put some approx numbers behind my situation. I’m not saying this is the only way either, but it’s an alternative to one pot that my husband and I are happy with me:
Me: £4500 take home, £1500 into pension, £1500 into bills (including ALL household) £1500 left
Him: £1600 take home, £300 to adult student child, £100 personal bills, £1200 left
Him before he moved in with me: £800 left

So I’ve got £300 more than him (but also a child at home to pay for) and a huge amount more that I could redirect from pension savings. But he’s got £400 more than he would have without me and will benefit from my pension in time. But I also intend my child to benefit from that pension - the lump sum will maybe be for her, a house deposit. I’m not going to lose out on giving her that because I’ve given him lots of my hard earned salary 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tell him to go and take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.

Absolutely not a chance in hell would I be moving in. Red flags all over the place. Please do not do this.