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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

444 replies

Perfectworld · 18/06/2022 22:17

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 19/06/2022 00:49

When I lived with my ex I earned twice as much as him. So every month we each put money into a joint account, and I put in twice as much as him. All household bills, food shopping, mortgage etc were paid out of the joint account. We paid our personal expenses - car, nights out with friends, clothes, petrol etc - out of our own personal accounts.

HoppingPavlova · 19/06/2022 01:08

This is madness. I don’t think what he has suggested is unreasonable or unfair, but financially you can’t afford to do this. Why not just wait until it’s feasible for you? May be when the kids are up and off so you don’t need as big a place to move to and you will be in a better financial position then?

Testina · 19/06/2022 01:19

I’ve just been reading OP posts through again. And this struck me, my bold:

“He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month“

Probably.

So - what kind of detailed conversation can you have had already if it’s “probably”?

Does he have any idea how much of your income is UC and will be lost? And CB? People on £100K+ may not be the closest to those things.

I know there are plenty here who think one pot is the only way, but I think a proposal of him paying all joints bills except rent could result in what I described as a fair situation. That is, he has more than you (it’s his earnings afterall) but you’re better off than you were.

Can you clarify please - was this his proposal without knowing about how much UC you have or that you would lose it?

I mean my gut feel here is you shouldn’t move in. But nothing you’ve said actually suggests you’ve had a conversation where you tell him it leaves you worse off. If he thinks UC is on the individual not the (unmarried) household, he may not know how much your income will drop.

Imogensmumma · 19/06/2022 01:36

Don’t move in if you will be worse off.

For what it’s worth I think his idea sounds fair, in my house I’m (female) the bigger earner and having a lot of anger and resentment over paying more. I worked hard to get this salary why should I proportionally pay more. Unlike the rest of the posters I don’t agree he should pay more

You need to find a solution that is fair for you both or not move in yet

BadNomad · 19/06/2022 01:44

You need a cheaper house. Paying only half the rent is a really good deal, honestly. This one is just more than you can afford.

Shelby2010 · 19/06/2022 01:45

Agree that bills should be proportional to earnings. He should want you to feel more secure & comfortable living with him - not less.

I would worry about how the discrepancy in income affects your DC if they see his DC getting new stuff that you can’t afford. Also, going 50:50 on food sounds great, until it gets to a month when you’re skint & he decides he wants steak & expensive wine. And he’s ‘owed it’ because your child is there all the time & his isn’t….

Just don’t do it.

Hutchy16 · 19/06/2022 01:50

Right guys…pitchforks down!!!

he is paying all bills that are his or both of theirs - utilities, tv, and the like…plus half of the rent. AND he is putting 2k into a JOINT savings account - presumably to buy a house.

This seems 💯 like a reasonable man who just doesn’t realise that OP will actually be worse off because of benefits being stopped.

@Perfectworld if I am understand correctly, it sounds like maybe he just doesn’t realise the situation you’ll be in. Explain your current finances and work out how you will be able to make it work, even if that means him paying the rent and putting less into savings but leaving you with enough to live on. you are moving in together, these are conversations you need to have before you do

CJsGoldfish · 19/06/2022 02:11

make him keep dating you make him keep treating you like the Princess that you are and looking after you and treasuring you
This made me proper 😂. I mean, WTF?

I hope he won't do this, but when your daughter moves in, your partner is legally able to reduce the amount of CM he gives for his own child
It is this, over everything else, that would end it for me. Someone who does that isn't worth a minute of my time

I've read all the posts but I still don't 'get' where he is at fault here.
He's not MAKING £2 because the OP is moving in. That's just how much more he has than the OP at the end of the month.
The rent is no more than the OP pays now but bigger house and no utilities.
Just own personal bills.

If the OP is worse off simply because benefits are stopping, how about looking to make up the difference somehow. Why no CM? Is that an avenue you can go down?

Does he realise the benefits you lose? Can he cover those? 🤷‍♀️

mackthepony · 19/06/2022 02:46

The shit these men try and pull

Ragwort · 19/06/2022 03:10

Don't move in.

You say you are already feeling reluctant about this so why even consider it? Read the numerous threads on here about the difficulties couples get into over financial abuse? Don't move in.

Mally100 · 19/06/2022 03:28

ZaraSizeMedium · 18/06/2022 22:45

Put your child first and do not move in with this man.

Why would you deliberately choose to make yourself and by extension your child financially worse off? Confused

There is absolutely no benefit to you in this set up. Don’t be so bloody stupid.

This!! What is wrong with you?? Don't be another woman who puts her man before her child. The fact that you can't even see what's so wrong here- you should not be doing this to your child!

jimmyjammy001 · 19/06/2022 03:36

You just need to tell him how much you will be loosing out financially because of him and he needs to make up the shortfall or you simply don't move in together, he's aware of how much you earn and that you require UC top ups and that will all go once you put his salary down on the application form, if it's a problem for him I would reconsider the relationship as long term future it's unlikely to work out

Kennykenkencat · 19/06/2022 03:51

All salary goes into one account.

All monthly bills including his debts (provided he isn’t adding to them if they are on a credit card and with a 1 or 2 year plan to get rid of the debt etc), childcare, school lunches and any bills that have to be paid monthly as well as a budget for food shopping, going out and holidays, etc then out of what is left give each of you an amount for spending and the rest can be split into joint savings and individual investments

That is the fairest way
If you earn more or pay off debts or childcare stops then you both see savings going up or you both get a little extra money which you can save or spend ad you see fit.

Mally100 · 19/06/2022 04:11

jimmyjammy001 · 19/06/2022 03:36

You just need to tell him how much you will be loosing out financially because of him and he needs to make up the shortfall or you simply don't move in together, he's aware of how much you earn and that you require UC top ups and that will all go once you put his salary down on the application form, if it's a problem for him I would reconsider the relationship as long term future it's unlikely to work out

Why does she need to tell him? She is on a fraction of what he earns and still wants a 50/50 split. He has a brain to work that out.

kateandme · 19/06/2022 04:35

Your instinct and gut is screaming at you ok.youve made this post.youve had near enough 100% unanimous feedback saying No! And many also a few red flag,truth,leave him!
This is NOT good.
How is your relationship outside of this?
You are being shown something her op.
Don't do this to yourself
But more importantly don't bring your child into this to suffer.im afraid atm you very much have to put them first to protect them. more so with blending families.if he loves you he won't see this happen to you,to be worse off.nah.

P205 · 19/06/2022 04:53

Perfectworld · 18/06/2022 22:44

@VodselForDinner He has a lot of expenses - his debt and child maintenance alone are £1.2k a month.

He's on 120k a year and in so much debt!?

Seriously, OP, this guy has more red flags than a golf course. Don't move in with him, don't share finances with him. It's utter madness.

If I was on such a high wage, there's no way I'd expect my partner to pay half for things. It's peanuts to him. Seriously, he earns 10,000 pounds a month!

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 19/06/2022 05:00

Honestly I think alot of ppl on here think you are married and share a child, he has offered to pay all joint bills and half the rent on a house to house them, tbh I think he gets the shitter deal going off every one here why should his income be fully shared when they are not married or have a child together just for moving in together

Midlifemusings · 19/06/2022 05:01

It seems you thought you had found someone with deep pockets and are surprised you will still have to contribute financially for your son and yourself.

Given all the other threads about how a step parent should never have any responsibility in any way for a child that isn’t theirs - I would expect people to continue that line of thinking and say that all costs related to housing and feeling and caring for your son fall on you and he should never lift a finger or give a dollar or do anything for your son as they do in all the step mom threads.

I am sorry this wasn’t the gravy train you thought it would be. I am not one that thinks that the role of a man is to be the financial provider and to cover all costs for women and children. Nor do I think women should go into relationships focused on the man being the plan.

People are calling him all kinds of names and put downs for not swooping in and giving you all his money. The only argument you have is to not lose money and to make up the difference. The days of men needing to be the financial provider are over. Just like men should also be doing their fair share of the cooking and housework and childcare.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 19/06/2022 05:03

@P205 that 120k is before tax and ni he gets 73k ish and the debt was from a failed house project which unfortunately happens sometimes

pompomseverywhere · 19/06/2022 05:07

OP are you worried about backing out of this plan and upsetting him?

Midlifemusings · 19/06/2022 05:08

And if this was a high earner woman moving her single dad low earner boyfriend in….people would be saying HE was the red flag if he wanted joint pot and access to all her money and minimal contributions.

NewbieDivergent · 19/06/2022 05:16

Child maintenance and debt is still only 14.4k so still over a 100k a year after that.
Stingy fucker.

P205 · 19/06/2022 05:21

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 19/06/2022 05:03

@P205 that 120k is before tax and ni he gets 73k ish and the debt was from a failed house project which unfortunately happens sometimes

It's still a huge amount of money!

Married or not, the OP will lose her child benefit and UC. She will be struggling to live day to day while he is sitting on thousands a month.

Man or woman, I wouldn't recommend anyone do this. The OP would be extremely vulnerable as they're not married. If they split up, she's end up homeless and broke.

P205 · 19/06/2022 05:26

For what it's worth, my Ex and I did proportion of income, so OP would pay 1/5th of rent and bills as she's on 1/5th his total income.

madasawethen · 19/06/2022 05:42

Is he an overly generous one pot kind of guy?

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