Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

[Perfectworld]

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

He has debt on a salary that large? How much debt, and what did it go on? Something sounds off.

I was previously in a relationship with someone who earned over £90k but turned out he was really shit with money and was getting loads and credit cards. We're no longer together!

Don't do it!
He doesn't sound very nice tbh

*loans!

No matter how many times I broached the subject of where his money was going, I never got to the bottom of it.

This would really put me off a man and there's no way I'd live with him after that conversation. I hate stingy men.

He's on 120k compared to your 28k and he's happy to see you financially worse off while he's going to be better off? Why does he not value you or respect you? If this was the other way around, would you suggest you split bills to someone who earns 4 times less than you do?

We all know "joint savings" is rubbish, he just wants to keep his money to himself and if you're struggling then tough.

Get rid and find a man who is fair and kind.

Absolutely fucking not.

Any man who earns so much and wants to see you left with so little is not a man you want to tether yourself too.

If you move in you’ll just start to resent him because life will be financially, and probably mentally, more difficult for you and his will have got better.

@bigkoalacliphug Approx £25k debt. Previously a homeowner and had spent a lot on costly renovations that weren't recouped in the house sale after he split with ex.

I would say bills, rent and other joint expenses split proportionately (so 20/80 given salary difference), your expenses like car and phone are yours so I would say that remains with you, just as his would be his expense (his car, debts, phone, child maintenance etc).

50/50 rent leaving your worse off doesn't sit right, either it's split fairly given he earns so much more or you stay where you are. It's more than simply moving in together when there are dc involved and he needs to understand that or you don't move.

We don't have cars (central London) and no children yet so slightly different situation but if we do get cars we would pay individually I think as we are both in control of our no claims etc.

I pay my own phone contract but it's only £20 a month. He pays for Netflix, insurance (house is in his name), service charge etc just because it's fallen like that, I've offered to pick up more of the random costs like Disney+, contents insurance etc but he has refused this. We also pay 50/50 on holidays.

Why are you moving in together? Why would you do something that’ll leave you and your child worse off? And why get engaged to someone you haven’t lived with? It’s all so unnecessary.

No, No, No. You must see that’s unfair? He’s taking you for a ride. Find someone nice.

I think this is fair.
Car and phone are yours so you should be the one to pay them.

I’m a minority on MN but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a higher earning partner (either gender) not subsidising the other when they haven’t chosen marriage. I don’t think you should be worse off though. So fair to you would be, as an absolute minimum, you end up with the same disposable income that you have now. That might well mean you pay far less into the household to balance losing UC.

With marriage, I think first time round with joint children and joint decisions around them (like part time working for example) - all in one pot. As a principle, fine to manage it via separate accounts.

But marriage second time round, with each having children (my situation) I think it’s fine not to be “one pot”. Different needs, different responsibilities. Still the minimum should be no-one being worse off than they were before. But, because of marriage I’d expect the lower earner to be better off than they were. Just not necessarily one pot.

So:

• in what way is he your fiancé? These days, that word doesn’t seem to have a certainty of marriage about it


• what is his proposal for finances after marriage?

I think it’s fine to have different proposals here initially. What matters most is how he reacts when yours is different. Does he listen to you, consider why you think yours fair, compromise? (which doesn’t mean capitulate)

Split proportionately, and pay your own way for individual things.
I moved in with a partner, and my wage would have not covered half the rent, let alone bills too.

Are you sure he’s being honest with you about his finances? Renting and debt doesn’t make sense on £120k.

@XenoBitch This sounds fair. I will broach it with him. Tricky as I tend to be overly generous and a 'one pot' sort of person.

@VodselForDinner He has a lot of expenses - his debt and child maintenance alone are £1.2k a month.

Put your child first and do not move in with this man.

Why would you deliberately choose to make yourself and by extension your child financially worse off?

There is absolutely no benefit to you in this set up. Don’t be so bloody stupid.

Don't do it, if you'll be financially worse off.

I had a similar thing with my (now)ex. He wanted us to live together, with my children, in a house purchased by him, in his name, but wanted my 50% contribution towards the mortgage and bills. It was a scenario which left me significantly worse off . It contributed towards the end of the relationship tbh.

Op the fact that he’s even suggesting this means he’s a money grabbing prick. One of the main perks of moving in with someone is that you’re MEANT to be financially better off as you can split bills. You are going to lose so much that you’ll barely be scraping by with your child. I’ll bet it’ll be you doing most of the housework as well. And perhaps entertaining his child more than he does. And you won’t be getting a penny of his savings as you’re not married. Do not do this to your child!

I don't understand why you'd even consider this. Your primary responsibility is to your child who will be worse off as a result - f that for a game of soldiers

For what it's worth me and now dh had a proportional split on household bills and rent before we were married - the salary difference was much smaller (think 18k Vs 22k).

Since buying a house (again before marriage) we have had a joint pot; all money goes in and each get equal spending money.

The salary differences and spending money have changed over time with changes in jobs, maternity leave etc. But we share each others fortunes (metaphorically - we're not loaded) because that's fair.

This, really.

Is a man really worth more than your stability, and therefore your child's?

I would say don't do it because I wouldn't like or trust a partner that had that mindset. I think you will be going ahead anyway, so will mention that you can still get your child benefit. Your partner will then have to pay it back out of his tax bill. So his problem. 😀
Are you sure you're doing the right thing, op?

so your moving in with him, paying his mortgage and going to be financialy worse off?

erm no, red flag

He has 25k debt, but is proposing to put 2k a month into savings? He could pay off debt in not much more than a year with that, so why would he save it instead? Has he suggested any savings go into a joint account that needs two signatures to take money out, or are you just supposed to trust him? Normal joint bank accounts can be emptied by either party at any time. If it is all supposed to be saved in an account in his name you would have no proof it even exists, let alone rights to it. Do not put yourself into a worse financial position with a man whose finances seem illogical at best.