Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

[Perfectworld]

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

He has debt. On a salary like that?

If you're for real then tell him no, or suck up the pain that's coming.

Just have an open conversation, all these posts saying he’s controlling you and red flag are so over the top.

So after paying debt and CM he's still left with over £100k (pre tax). I know this isn't the point of the thread, but why isn't he paying that £25k debt off?

Sorry if it's already been mentioned but how much are the bills and mortgage/rent each month?

This really should be paid proportionately IMO.

Do you both work full time? Do you help him with his DC, provide childcare for him etc?

Always easy to say when you’re wanting the other persons money.

just don’t move in. No one is forcing you. If it is all about how much you have, then stay as is.

Don’t move in if you will lose out financially.

Another thing to consider is whether he might, as a higher earner, have expectations to do stuff you might not be able to afford to - eg want to eat at more expensive restaurants, go on more expensive holidays than your budget will allow and then get huffy when you decline.

In our case the mortgage is paid off, dp covers the utilities and council tax, except I pay the sky bill (phone broadband etc ) I pay for my phone, car and petrol. He earns 10x my wage though after tax it's more like 5

@Anniefrenchfry Ah, if only you knew the irony of your post. I have been the 'high earner' in the past (believe it or not, been with men on low wages / training / unemployed). Always did 'one pot'.

iris makes a good point.

Please have a good think about this.

When you've discussed this, how does he react? Defensive, irritated, angry?

Don’t do it. Honestly, I had a similar set up once and ended up in a much much worse financial state than when I was single, while he always had plenty of cash for spending and saving.

One pot that all the income goes into, and all of the bills go out of. Then split what is left 50/50. If he doesn’t want to do that, then don’t move in with him.

How is she paying off his mortgage when it’s a rented property?

Ok so don’t bankroll another man in a different circumstance.

Bottom line is that he wants contribution to his rent and free childcare - I can see what’s in this for him - I can’t see what’s in it for you.

I would keep separate abodes.

This is the only reasonable split but still, do the sums and see if it benefits you.

If you earn £28k now but also get top ups and CB then you're taking a pay cut just to live with a guy who is willing to see you out of pocket whilst he GAINS.

If we assume rent is say £1k, plus £300 power, another £200 in other shares bits plus £500 on food, your 1/5th is £400. How much spends does that give you compared to cohabiting +?

I would never put my child in a position where they are worse off in anyway shape or form.

apologies if I’ve missed this but, 50-50 on the food isnt going to work if your child lives there and eats full time and his visits.
so next thing you know it’ll be you cover your child and your food and then we’ll go 50-50 on his food and his child as well, no doubt you’ll be required to do a bit of babysitting and a bit of stepchildcare at the weekends to whilst hes off having his busy man life, cycling no doubt.

make him keep dating you make him keep treating you like the Princess that you are and looking after you and treasuring you.
and if he can’t even do that when he’s dating you you certainly don’t move in with them because it goes downhill from there.

@Daisychain89 This is how I feel as we will both still be better off, and I want us to feel like equals... I am concerned the suggested set up will leave me feeling resentful and us nitpicking over who is paying for what, I already feel so so unsure about it.

How the hell do you get up on a 28k a year income mine was wiped at 18k your bills are yours his his half the rent is fair as 4 of you and he is covering joint bills also how is he paying maintaince if he has 50 50 care

Uc not up

He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

Unless your name is on the account they're not joint savings they're his. Personally I wouldn't move in with him if it means you're worse off than you are now, why would you do this?

You need to think of the wellbeing of you and your child, he certainly isn't and doesn't see you as a partnership or team. You wouldn't put someone you love in such a precarious and unequal position.

No doubt you thought your ship had come in when you got a boyfriend earning 4x what you do, but hopefully the responses here are making you realise that all a pay differential like that does is put you in a position of weakness. Why would you uproot your child and make them live in a less advantaged situation with someone who clearly doesn't see the two of you as a package?

Don't see the point in moving in if you are going to be out of pocket. He doesn't exactly sound the sharing type. Get rid. Or you can live in hope he starts showing his generous side. But from what you've said I wouldn't bank on it.,

Sorry if that sounds harsh but seriously, don't move in with this guy and think very carefully about continuing the relationship at all.

He's ripping you off.

@ZaraSizeMedium “Why would you deliberately choose to make yourself and by extension your child financially worse off?”

Shouldn’t he be careful that’s not what he’s doing though?

Impossible to tell as there are no figures… but if he also will be paying more rent than currently (like OP, moving to a bigger property for this) and is not getting anything from her towards joint bills, then he could also be worse off. Electricity will be higher than he pays now, council tax too.
He would therefore be making himself worse off.

I had exactly this decision to make - I subsidise my lower earning second husband, knowing that’s money I could be saving for my (not our) child. My compromise is that yes, he pays less because of me - but we don’t have one pot. I want my money for my child. I think there are different considerations in second marriages.

Works for us as we were very open about what we wanted and how we each felt about that.

@Testina Even with paying joint bills and half rent, he will be approx £2k better off.

^^This

So basically he will be much better off as a result of living with you and you will be much worse off?