Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

[Perfectworld]

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

But the OP's money isn't being used as "family money". She's being asked to contribute just £500 and gets to keep the rest for herself and her child. Out of £28k a year she only has to contribute £6k to the house. The other £22k she will spend on herself. Kid, cars, phones, whatever.

Not in any scenario does he benefit from living with her. If she moves in, their joint income will be less and he will be paying out more. He is not making money from her. He is losing money because he will be housing and feeding extra people.

What the OP actually wants (and most of MN it seems) is for her wealthier boyfriend to cover every joint expense AND pay for her child to have the same lifestyle as his child AND be give her spending money WHILE she keeps all her own money for cars, phones, herself etc.

i don't want to presume things about other oriole's relationships but when our income disparity was this big my partner was paying all the rent and bills and I would send him what I could.

now I'm a SAHM he sends me monthly spending money and also pays all the rent and bills.
i would struggle to agree to what your partner is suggesting.

I think in reality, he will benefit in many ways by having the OP there. She will probably end up helping with childcare, helping with housework, helping with cooking, laundry, etc.

Personally, I would both put half our income into a joint account and that account is used to pay for rent, bills, children, holidays, shopping, etc. The other half can be used for personal expenditures and personal savings.

My DH and I have a similar income split (I work part time) - all our money goes into one bank account and we spend from there. We used to have an 'allowance' transferred into our own bank accounts each month for buying each other presents and our own treats but after a while this just seemed pointless. As everyone else says, once you are married I would expect everything to be joint. I think it is dangerous ground if you see income as 'yours' and 'his'. I do quite a bit more around the house because I am only part time and looking at things holistically (eg adding earning work to non-earning work) I think our contributions are pretty balanced, basically we both work damn hard keeping money coming in, the house running and the family going. You need to have a calm conversation with him x

Sorry haven’t read all the thread but I think if you make it proportional to your income for house and household running costs, then you could each put for instance £75 a month into a separate account to use for ice creams etc when you go out. Then it feels joint funded rather than either of you worrying about it. Important to get it sorted before moving forwards as needs to be fair to you both.

Please do not move in with this man. He’s on a much higher wage and he’s expecting you to contribute. I think it’s awful especially as you have a child. Just state your better off financially to stop where you are. He sounds very controlling could he be a narcissist as they are so good at manipulation. Huge red flag is he quite mean with money if so run. Let us know how you go. xx

This sounds like financial control. He should pay a bit more due to his salary. Yes you should contribute, but 50/50 seems to out you in a worse position. Please think about this carefully.

@BadNomad Where did it say she only has to contribute £500?? I must have totally missed that- if that is indeed the case then Indeed I don't get what she's moaning at . Even losing the benefits , OP must clear £1800, that's a lot of money to yourself if only paying out£500

If he loves you. ask him to do this.
Tell him to pay all his extra bills. Child support and debts.
Ask him to transfer everything out of his account so you both have the same amount in your accounts. Then ask him to just do a month on that amount, so he can see what it feels like. Then explain that you don;t want his money, but you do need to change the split, so it represents your incomes,

You realise that would probably mean OP paying more than his proposal?
Her contribution to rent he is suggesting is the same as she pays now and then he pays joins bills. OP would have to cover her own personal expenses as would he.

The only issue really is the amount OP would lose in benefits and making sure that is addressed in the financial split between them but OP hasn’t even answered the questions on that so we don’t even know if she has told him that.

@Bollindger Is this like some sort of reality TV show where he goes on the dole for a month to see how the other half live. I mean what the fuck ?
Im not on 120 grand a year but I’ve worked hard To be on more than £28k plus benefits. I don’t think I would be impressed if somebody asked me to continue with the same level of output on a weekly basis but to receive around a third of the income just to make a point.

is he allowed to tell her to buck her ideas up and go and try and maintain 128K salary to prove a point ? Or would that be mean-spirited

I’ve concluded with this thread that she hasn’t told him about the benefits because she’s embarrassed so he thinks currently she is living her life on the £28,000 and that’s all that needs to be considered in the financial splitting of bills.

It’s the only logical conclusion

Or perhaps what people are saying is that they are engaged (I assume people still do this with the intention of actually getting married) and the money should go into one pot as money for them as one family, otherwise, perhaps they’re better off staying as they are and no one loses out. If this was a wife saying this about her husband, he would be considered to be being financially abusive.

That reply was to @BadNomad

But now the OP has to pay everything for her own child by herself. They also split groceries and the OP pays for things like her own phone, school dinners, car payments. I think all these kinds of things should come out of the joint account.

Yes, the OP would be paying in more but at least she wouldn’t have to worry about being able to pay for new school shoes or not being able to afford groceries because she had to pay school dinners.

He does know about the benefits. I really do need to talk to him properly, which I am planning on doing, to express myself properly.

I'm torn between suggesting a joint pot - which feels most natural to me - and splitting proportionally (me 30%, him 70% seems about right). I think if we are moving in together, it should be because we are joining our families as a partnership. We're engaged and we've also discussed having more children. I want someone who views me as their equal. I hand on heart have always shared everything I have with all my ex-partners, even when I've been the higher earner. It comes naturally to me to be very generous. I don't see how our mindsets will work when it's splitting hairs over who pays for family days out, I will end up being resentful and upset, I already feel that and we are not even to the point of living together yet! And for those who have suggested I may be after his money or saw him as a 'gravy train', I couldn't care less about his money, if I was looking for someone with money I wouldn't be with someone who has debts and massive child maintenance payments (I don't have either of those)! If he wanted to leave his job tomorrow and be earning £30k I wouldn't care less, in fact, it would make this conversation a lot easier! I've already said we need to make sure that any money or assets we have up to this point (savings, cars) should be kept ring fenced for ourselves / our children. Pretty rubbish gold digger I am!

@Perfectworld yes OP, I'm sure there's a compromise in there somewhere and no, I don't remotely think you are a gold digger, just concerned about if this is the way now, what's the future going to be like. You should be put into a position where you are no worse off than you are now

It needs to be proportionate to wages after tax, though - he will be paying a lot more tax so his take home pay won't be anything like 80%

@LondonLawyer After tax on both of us (subtracting benefits once we start living together), his take home is 3.5x my own. That's why I think a proportional split of 70/30 is about fair, if we are going down the split route.

He probably thinks it's a reasonable offer . Maybe he thinks you will pay the same rent but no household bills .
He might be thinking the bills equal the benefit money you lose or equal not know how much you get and believe you are better off.

@whowhatwerewhy I do think it is miscommunication, he is not a bad man, he is wonderful or else I would not have got engaged to him.

I guess, for me, it's about the fact I want us to be entering into this with a family and partnership mindset, not splitting hairs over who is paying what, how much each person is 'better off' or 'worse off'. I think if we are making the commitment to one another to live together and uprooting our children, discussing having more in the future, we should be doing so with a joint mindset. I don't know how I feel with it being 'mine' and 'yours' as oppose to 'ours'.

You’re far from being a gold digger @Perfectworld , don’t worry about it.

He treats you as his equal (financially) but you aren’t. And you’ve got a child living with you (and him, if you move in together), who he seems to treat as solely your financial responsibility (which is weird stance for a future step dad IMO). it’s just the way I see things. I’m not in the “treat your step kids like your own” camp, but I do accept and I’m happy to contribute to the same pot with my DH, knowing that some of the money goes towards my step son.

I don’t know, I just don’t get the “togetherness” vibe from his view of family life/dynamics.

When you’ve got a child together, is he expecting you to “equally” contribute towards them?

We are on very different incomes, but decided to put equal amounts into the joint account to cover all household spending, and to keep the rest of our money separate.

It’s what works for us.

Mine and DH income goes into one pot , bills are paid, we both have equal personal money. DH as always aren't more than me , however I provided the chid care and only worked part time . So it was give and take .
I think your problem is the wage gape and blending two incomes . I'm sure a sensible compromise can be met , even if it means him having slightly more due to his higher wage

I guess, for me, it's about the fact I want us to be entering into this with a family and partnership mindset, not splitting hairs over who is paying what, how much each person is 'better off' or 'worse off'. I think if we are making the commitment to one another to live together and uprooting our children, discussing having more in the future, we should be doing so with a joint mindset. I don't know how I feel with it being 'mine' and 'yours' as oppose to 'ours'.

I think you should tell him exactly this 👆You might feel awkward addressing it given that his far higher earner than you, but it’s best to get it out of the way now than after moving in together.