Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

[Perfectworld]

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

I agree in that I would explain this to him very clearly so he can think again about his contribution. You should not be left worse off - is he going to be worse or better off? If so, sort tge money so you're like you are todayand then split hie much he saves betqeen the 2 of you 50:50. He therefore pays you half of what he'd save plus what is needed to keep you on an equal footing as you are now.

The other issue is you know you'll end up doing more around the house than him, so you need to split chores and if he doesn't pull his weight he pays. That's everything, cooking, cleaning, shopping, kids, ironing, gardening, decorating, property maintenance etc.

Apologies, I haven’t read through all the thread but have looked at your answers in response to other peoples posts…
I would also consider ‘future’ years - e.g. university loans etc as that is looked at in terms of joint household income (not whether you are married/civil partnership) would he feel comfortable subsidising his child but not yours? And if so, would you be able to help subsidy your child through a Uni course?
i do understand that blended families and finances are difficult and money is always hard to talk about but I do feel you need to protect yourself and your child from being in a worse financial position and you also need to discuss what will happen in x years time as I’m sure you would t want your child feeling like the ‘poor’ relation of the other child gets more, etc

@Crikeyalmighty

As I said before ...

"Just because one earns more than the other, unless they're married, one should not be expected to financially carry the other!"

This sounds fair to me. I wouldn't be moving in with someone if he was going to be saving a couple of grand a month, while I was worse off.

@Harmonypuss so long as his expectations are in line that no- they won't be having tiger prawns 3 times a week or expensive holidays at the drop of a hat- unless he's going to contribute more to the pot than the OP is able or use these 'joint savings' . He is going to have to fit in with OPs budget as she has far far less disposable income if he's expecting 50/50 on rent and food etc

He has huge expectations of you.
You will clean, shop and cook for the 4 of you.
You will provide childcare while he earns lots of money for himself.
He will be banking 2k per month, while you will be penniless.

Have you any idea what cleaning, shopping and cooking for 4 is, versus 2 people?

The extra meals, accommodating different likes?

All the while you are working full-time?

You are doing all of the above and it will be costing you money.

While having given up your secure home and financial independence?

It is truly extraordinary how any woman would even consider such a shocking arrangement, with a mean man who is clearly out to screw you and definitely is not in love with you.

I'm not surprised he has cough up for an engagement, he is desperate to dump his parenting on someone and save money for himself.

I feel so sorry for your child, who will be the massive loser in this shit show should you agree to it.

I could absolutely not be with someone whose response to "but if we do this, I lose a lot and you gain a lot" was "....and?"

“I do think it is miscommunication, he is not a bad man, he is wonderful or else I would not have got engaged to him.”

And yet, 3 days on, you haven’t had your open conversation with him yet.

*I do think it is miscommunication, he is not a bad man, he is wonderful or else I would not have got engaged to him.

Circular reasoning.

I guess, for me, it's about the fact I want us to be entering into this with a family and partnership mindset, not splitting hairs over who is paying what, how much each person is 'better off' or 'worse off'.

And why hasn't this occurred to him?

Also, "putting 2k a month into joint savings" is not a thing when paying into them would leave one person in hardship and not the other.

Yea and is her name going on the account?
I doubt it.

How often have we read of couples splitting up and him going off with all the savings that he accrued on the back of some poor sap of a woman.

im on 34k a year and still get uc top up. All depends on individual circumstances.

OP, you say your DF is a good guy, but if he’s proposed and you are going to get married, why is he proposing this? I’m assuming on his salary he’s an intelligent person with a lot of responsibility and it’s not beyond the realms of his intelligence or imagination to see how this would be a financially abusive situation for his wife/future wife to be in. I think you need to be more honest with yourself. Also, if he was a great guy and your relationship was as it should be to share the finances of marriage, surely you would have talked to him and got it squared up immediately when he mentioned this way of splitting finances? It’s like red flag rodeo here for your future together. You having to ask other peoples opinions without talking it out then and there and him even suggesting this unfair split that would leave his supposedly equal life partner very unequal to him. You will see if this relationship is viable when you talk to him, which should be sooner rather than later, but the flag is that this wasn’t discussed/realised by either of you.

I would also have a think carefully OP about if he wants another child or not (if you do) because someone on a high income who is being stung for a lot of maintanance may well not want to put themselves in that position twice over.

What you lose in uc ask him to contribute that to the pot for bills seperate from other expenses etc if hes a reasonable man it would not be a problem cancel any subscriptions you both have that you dont need. Be frugal

How did you end up resolving this @Perfectworld ?

Is that why he is renting despite a high income? Setting aside the obvious unfairness of what he is proposing, is he actually financially stable?

Put your child first and don't move in with him. "Blended" families are nearly always detrimental to the children involved, and that's without this man being happy to leave you on the brink of financial disaster.

Have you talked through what will happen once you're married with a child of your own? Will he keep everything separate still with you providing childcare so he can work but having to beg for money to go to softplay?

Maybe he's not ready to marry, because that would mean legally your assets are shared!