Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

[Perfectworld]

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

I think you say sorry I cant afford to move in with you if he wont split finances a different way.

If you feel unsure, then please listen to your instincts and don’t move in with him.

Once you’re in, if you’re the low earner, it is so hard to get out again.

@Testina Give over. Making yourself a few hundred quid a month worse off on a 120k salary, versus a 28k salary, are two very different things.

OP has said he will be able to save 2k a month while she is left with very little disposable income.

Well on 120k his takeone is around 73k minus his child maintenance of around 14k leave him with 59k vs your 22.5k so when you do the maths it works out more fair what he is asking

OP, I don’t understand why you are posting. Honestly, I am not trying to be insulting but it is obvious that you do not move in with him under these circumstances. In your position I would explain that you are not going to do this at it will leave you financially worse off. See what he says. You are in a position of strength here (believe it or not) as his actions now will tell you if this man is for you or not.

If you like him well enough, continue dating but just keep an eye out to see if he is mean or controlling or on the make. You can then make a sound decision about him.

Don't do it

Perhaps there’s an element of not understanding your financial situation. I imagine it’s difficult to wrap his head around the amount of money you actually have.

Have you asked him outright if he thinks you should be financially worse off for living with him? If he says anything other than better off, you have your answer as he should want better for you. Not only this, he should be willing to give you a small buffer in case the relationship ends and you have to wait for universal credit to kick back in again. On over 100k, this shouldn’t be a hardship.

How about he moves in with you, your DDs share or turn the living room into a bedroom. That way fifty fifty split on bills etc would be fair.

I feel like bf should be covering at least the amount of UC and CB that you would lose. Isn’t that why it’s taken off you?

Best case scenario is he earns so much himself that he is oblivious to how it feels to not be able to afford things.

Worst case scenario is that he is an entitled selfish prick thinking like the stereotypical rich person who wants to make more money at your expense.

I would tell him the truth in that you can’t afford to move in with him. What’s the point in taking a pay cut in a cost of living crisis?

Also, what would happen if you had a kid with him? Would he help you on maternity leave?

@Perfectworld

He will be £2000 better off and you will be worse off??
What’s in this for you?

Don't move in together!
Does he know you will lose your uc top up. And be worse off?

I used to have wtc and housing benefit when a lone parent. The day he moved in. All his money went in a joiny account for ALL bills.. Even my personal ones as i lost my wtc etc. My wage was then mine and ds disposable income which worked out the same as i previously had give or take maybe 20 quid

Even now I have my bank account. And dh money is joint. But tbh we just spend how we see fit. I use joint account for other expenses for ds, trips etc. Equally if i have more in my account id buy dsd things.
We would have all in 1 account but i just never get round to changing it all even 9 years down the line

How could he even suggest such a thing, does he think you’re silly. Very disrespectful.

I would not move in together or try to blend the kids without marriage in the first place.

But certainly not under this horrible financial proposition. He sounds a stingy git. What would you get out of it besides two other people to cook and clean for?

Why put your child through this???

If he wants to live with you then he can pay.

Adding to the chorus, don't move in.
Say the figures don't add up on your side and your not going to make yourself worse off.
End of.

I had a friend in this situation, I told her he was tight and controlling and to run away. She didn’t. She struggled on for 6 years. Argument after argument. Then when her eldest wanted to go to uni he could get a maintenance loan as his stepdads income was taken into consideration, and his step dad wouldn’t pay anything towards. That’s when they split. He’s showing you who he is. Don’t ignore it.

I agree with others that the fairest way is to pay proportionate to your wages (so approx 80/20) on all household bills and then you both pay your own/your own child's other outgoings.

It sounds like he has high outgoings so you would be better off both paying your own personal bills and just splitting the house costs

I wouldn't do it. Avoid the later resentments about money. Those are huge discrepancies in salaries that will probably end up being the undoing of your relationship. How will you split holiday costs in future with those differences?
Even choosing restaurants to go out for dinner could be problematic...

Sorry to sound negative but just being realistic.

No, sorry I would not be moving in in this scenario.

I'm all for things being shared evenly, paying your way etc. But given the massive Pat differences here, I'm struggling to see why you would pay 50/50. Surely you should pay an even percentage of your pay.

You seem to be ignoring everyone saying don't move in.

If he is aware that your income will be less as a result of moving in with him and still expects you to pay 50/50 I wouldn't do it. You will be penny pinching while he has £2k a month to play with. Is that really someone who has your best interest at heart. I don't think so. I will also hazard a guess he's not big on sharing the housework either.

I admit I haven’t read all the replies but I was in a similar situation when I met my now dh and when we moved in together we pooled all our money and gave ourselves the exact same amount of spending money and everything else goes in and out of a main joint bank account. We have two separate other joint bank accounts, we each use one of these as our own for spending and this is where the equal amount gets transferred each month. We can both see all 3 accounts on our log in page (Halifax). Total transparency. Stuff for my eldest daughter (now 19 but met when she was 5) is considered a family / joint expense just likes anything for our child together, Ds aged 10. I couldn’t be with anyone who didn’t pool everything like a family.

What you have described is the financial arrangements one would have between two strangers in a house share, not between two people engaged to be married.

Mean with money, mean with love.

£120k vs £28k in what is supposed to be a loving and supportive life partnership. Moving in with a man on six figures and being worse off.

As the Americans say, you do the math.

So working it out after tax and ni on your salaries before his child maintenance split should be 70/30 however there is also 2 of you permanently to 1 and a half of him, however after maintenance its 60/ 40 split, I don't get how he would be better off though by 2k a month since he will have ro pay more for a bigger house and bills will be more expensive in a bill house