Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

[Perfectworld]

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

One pot or nothing I think. Be prepared that he might say no and that's his prerogative. That then may sour the relationship but so be it. You'd be safer and so would your child.

Even if they pool their money they are still going to be worse off as a family because of the OP losing £600 a month. The only difference will be her and her child will have a better quality of life at the expense of DP and his child. Sounds fair and equal right.

They get the money and the lifestyle and the not having to work or contribute financially or minimally but they get the lifestyle and status that they want. They would go like OP from having to scrimp to get an $100 a month together for savings to having a 120K salary to spend.

I think fewer and fewer women take on the housewife and blowjobs on demand role these days but some will in exchange for the $$$ and lifestyle that comes with it.

Both are single parents so likely both have been caregiving and home making.

I wouldn’t move in. I just couldn’t put myself at risk of being left with no options if it didn’t work out. And I think with such unequal incomes there’s going to be resentment from the start. I guess you need to say I’m sorry I’ve done my sums and I’ll struggle with the proposed set up. For him he gets someone to pay half his rent, he pays the bills as normal and has someone to cook his dinner and do all the cleaning. Plus look after his kid when he’s late home on his childcare days. No thanks.

@Perfectworld

Presumably he will continue caring for his DC when they are over.

I wouldn't necessarily count on this. The step-parenting board is full of women who end up providing parenting for their partner's child/ren as well as their own... 🌹

No no no no no 🚩🚩🚩

Everyone has such differing and wildly varying opinions, it's so difficult to determine was it is 'reasonable'. We just need to have a very honest and forthright conversation.

I don't think you are really listening to what most people are telling you, why has it taken you this long to realise that you need an 'honest and forthright discussion'. Seriously, WHY do you need to move in with him ? He's not kind and generous, he's built up huge debts on a very good salary (again WHY?). No doubt he would love you to move in ... cooking, housework and sex on tap plus a decent contribution towards his living costs. And what do you get out of it?

Op you need to put the breaks on the move. Blame cold feet, nervous, worry about it breaking down or something.

Take time make sure you are going into it equally..

How long have you been together?

I would not be moving in. Even if he comes up with a 'better deal' I wouldn't move in. That way resentment lies.

Could he not save £1500 and give you the other £500? This might be a middle ground if he isn’t ready to go “one pot” just yet.

So he does know you'll be down. Does he know exactly how much? Do you have a spreadsheet you can both look at and discuss?

Cam you say " we need to talk about money. In detail. Ì feel a bit awkward. But it's important because it has an impact on my children" ?

If you can't broach this, you have a problem. As others have said.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be worse off. That makes you a responsible mum. It doesn't make you a good digger. That's someone who looks for a partner with money to relieve them of.

Get the spreadsheet out and put wages and costs for both or you, currently and with new proposed scenario. Hard to disagree with data and facts. Getting together should not be about being better off than the other one but it should not be about being less off. Good luck!

Forgetting him for a second, I wouldn’t be considering a significant change in circumstances until there was around 6 months worth of current salary in savings. That gives you a buffer for the uncertainties of life. Be they sudden ill-health, job loss or a painful relationship breakdown with the attendant need to relocate.

I appreciate that’s far from easy (especially in the current economic climate), but it’s very worth doing. I again return to the point your DC’s father should also be contributing. Please consider making an application for child maintenance.

I think what you need to say is

"We are pooling resources and both compromising so we should both be financially and practically better off. Your suggestion means I am financially worse off and it means I can't afford to do it"

That sets it out clearly that you BOTH should be financially better off and it's not negotiable.

How do you split things now like dates, outings, holidays, Christmas presents?

I think financial security is incredibly important and so is the security of having your own home.

I wouldn't even think of living with this guy. I'd carry on seeing him, maybe, but wouldn't give up my home and actually pay to live with him, which is what he's expecting of you. Not of himself, just you.

This sound more like a financial merger that benefits one party only, rather than a commitment to share your lives. If he wants a business partner, and can find one willing to accept his terms, I’d say fine. If I were you, the warning bells would be ringing in my ears.

I don't think the setup proposed by your fiancé is a fair OP. I'd recommend having a discussion on a split that is proportional to your earnings.

In my case the roles are reversed, I earn five times what my partner earns and when we moved in together, we agreed that I pay two-thirds of the joint costs. I offered to pay a higher share but my partner insisted that he pays at least a third since he would still pay less compared to when he was living alone. I still don't feel entirely comfortable with that so make sure to invite him for take-outs, dinners etc. and pay a higher share on holidays to make the split somewhat more even.

Don't do it OP.
when it all inevitably goes tits up - either because your resentment & struggle becomes unsustainable, or because he now has sufficient "joint" savings (ha!) to get back on the property ladder - how much is it going to cost you to extricate yourself from him, finding new rental deposit etc, & all the accompanying bother & grief?

He knows I will be money down and he will be money up with the arrangement. He will be halving his rent, so even with paying all the bills he will still be up thousands. I think he sees that because he has offered to pay all the joint bills, I should be better off, when in reality I'm not. I just don't really know how to broach it. For example, he could offer to pay the £200 extra, but it still means our lifestyles will be very different, and he will still be 'profiting' by living with me. Where I will be breaking even / losing money / even if he offers to pay a bit more, he will still be making a lot more out of living together.

& when he buys his next house, partially funded by your sacrifice in allowing HIM to accrue a lovely £2k per month debt repayment/savings pot/mortgage deposit ... my bet is he will 'generously' allow you to cohabit, but continue struggling on unfair terms, while he sits pretty in his appreciating asset.

He is using you to get back on the property ladder OP.
Note his future faking with the airy - oh, my £2k a month will be "joint" savings. What a pile of bullshit. Where's the joint account & co-signatory failsafes to protect BOTH of you then?
Note your own doubt - you said you will parent your DC as normal, & you "expect" he will parent his ... how many women have posted about becoming their partner's default childcare, while he keeps the lion's share of the money, & advances his own career & assets at the expense of her unpaid labour?

Never rely on a man's word like this OP.
If he wants you to fund his life to the tune of £2k a month, he can put a ring on it before cohabiting.
If he (or you) don't want to marry - don't cohabit. Just stay as you are, & keep him on for fun.

How will he be 2k up if he's only halved his rent ? Is the rent 4k ?

Is the £120K before deduction of child support he pays the mother of his DC? Perhaps need know what his net income
will be and then show him
break down of your outgoings and work out if you can afford to live together

He is Absolutely unreasonable. I had sort of the same issue when me and my partner moved in together, but I told him from the off that he would have to pay for more rent and bills because his wage is significantly higher. So he pays the rent and bills and I pay for food shopping. That’s how we do it, he does end up paying out more but then he earns a lot more than me, like 4 times more than me. So id be having a chat with him for sure before you make the move.

Do you cash from your dc father?

is current partner aware that you may be worse off?

he may well have not thought it through properly and thinks it’s fair
give him a chance to “negotiate”