Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

[Perfectworld]

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

You have nothing to gain from moving in with him so you shouldnt do it. what is the point of making your life worse for you and your child for a man. He shd probably pay the rent, be seen to be putting a roof over your head if he wants you to be his partner? Considering how much he earns this doesnt seem unreasonable. He probably claims to have higher overheads bt also has higher spending hes been used to on his salary. Just put a hold on it for now.

I totally missed that you’re engaged. Well that makes this so much worse! The fact that he wants to get married but is suggesting this set up is just one giant red flag. A married couple with such wildly different salaries shouldn’t even be considering splitting things this way. You should work things out so you both have a similar amount of disposable income. Ideally everything should be in one pot.

OP - please tell us you are reconsidering moving in with him. This is one of the most depressing threads I have read on Mumsnet in a long time. I just went back and re-read your original post ... it is shocking that you are moving in with someone who earns £120K (what does he do out of interest?) yet you are worried about how you will cope when your DS's school dinner money is due. . That must be one of the saddest comments ever. Neither my DH or I have ever earned anything like that sort of salary, but everything is shared, and so long as we don't go overdrawn, neither of us begrudge the other anything.

Do not move in with him.

I would just say to him that the living together proposition will leave you financially worse off each month. So its a shame but in good conscience you cannot do that to your child. You hope he understands, but things need to stay as they are under these circumstances. Ball firmly back in his court, and leave it there, and never agree to anything that leaves you and your child worse off.

You cannot support yourself and child on your current income- without UC and CB. Your ability to save and have any extras is because of the top ups provided by the state.

On your current income, by moving in, you become beholden to your partner (versus the state)- even if unintentionally.

Even if you were to increase your income level to cover the UC and CB (ie you wouldn't be 'worse off'), you would still not be in an 'equal' position financially with your partner. He would have considerably more disposable income- and power- in the relationship.

The difference between income levels is too great to be equal. If you were getting married and sharing everything- then this would be different. But it isnt that way. I think this would put a huge strain on the relationship when moving in- but also sets the tone of the relationship dynamic- not one I would be happy with.

As a minimum, I would not want to be 'worse' off- but to do that, you would have to increase your income- not rely on him to subsidise.

Maybe wait until you can do this?

He's just the type of scum on here that would expect the OP to continue paying 50% of the rent during mat leave, and leave her utterly penniless.

How you would consider marrying a man who so clearly is 100% protecting his finances whilst looking for a skivvy au pair is unbelievable.

You will be penniless and in debt in 12 months and he will have banked 24k off your back.

How could you consider him an appropriate man to bring into your childs life, and whose child will take you away from your own, while you skivvy for him.

You really couldn't make this up.

So unbelievable that women keep walking into these disasters.🤷‍♀️

I should add, the fact he is thinking the way you described, and you are not, is a huge red flag.

I would suggest if you’re moving in then you combine so pay salaries less an agreed personal spending into a joint account (my husband and I agree a £400 per month personal spending) we put anything left over from personal spending into the joint account end of each month. Then all bills come from the joint account including rent, council tax, travel, car, insurance, kids things, holidays, household items, grocery shopping - we pay for new phones every 2-3 years from the joint account but the monthly charge for calls is personal spend. Then we maintain a certain cash balance in that account and put the rest into savings. We are married however which may feel different (though we did this when we moved in) other examples of personal spend is coffees, lunch at work, new clothes, haircuts etc.

How do you find someone like this!? Aren’t you lucky

More like convenient housemates rather than partners. It would be a big no for me. I'd rather be happy living separately.

My minds wanders back to a recent thread on Relationships where folks were tripping over themselves to pay 50/50 on dates to maintain an air of independence.
That's the kind of thing that breeds this nonsense.
My dad died when I was a child and unless you knew us then, you couldn't tell my stepdad of 30+ years isn't my dad.
Noone sat around totting up and dividing up individual expenses for their respective children.
What happens at Christmas when you're broke and his child has expensive presents and you can't afford the same - and you're all at the same Christmas tree?
How do holidays work?
Days out?
Keep yourself and your child in your home, in the comfort to which you're currently accustomed and let this man go.

Sounds as if he has so much debt he can't get a mortgage. He wants to use you to clear his debts by paying for half the house!! Have you spoken to him about how this will impact your finances? It's a bit of a red flag if you can't talk honestly about money. Will you even be able to do anything nice during the Summer break with your DC? Or will you be skint while he swans about with a huge salary and plenty money? If he earns that amount and he doesn'thave much, something is very wrong!! Stay where you are!! Your DC will thank you!!

Sounds like a minefield separating the various finances, rent, housework, etc. You’re too far apart in your earnings. So unless he’s the kind of person who is very easygoing about money and will basically 50/50 for as long as you’re together (he clearly isn’t) I simply wouldn’t bother.

@Dweetfidilove
Noone sat around totting up and dividing up individual expenses for their respective children.
I agree. OP may have a partner but the proposal sounds nothing like a partnership, more like like a recipe for endless fretting and grudge holding over money. AKA a disaster.

He is a tight git scum bag. Totally selfish. This is not love at all. A man who knows how to genuinely love a person and who is earning so much more than their partner would want to, and also take pleasure in being able to look after and provide for them. Not demand going halves on the rent.

What a total shitbag

You have a stable housing situation- don’t move and lose that for you and your child.

How about you pay the utilities plus council tax , you split the food bill and he pays the full rent and half the food-- that sounds fairer to me unless you are talking very cheap rent- and I don't think you are

OP you've said people are split on here but they're not the message is clear, don't do it

Helllll to the no girl! I think you know he's taking advantage of you, that's why you're asking on here. Trust your instincts. DH and I have three kids. I work PT and my take home pay is similar to yours. My husband earns 90K and pays the mortgage, all bills, petrol, and pays for meals out, takeaways, almost everything. I only pay for our weekly Tesco shop, my phone bill and my own clothes, beauty, etc. I'm on mat leave and he is putting money into my account monthly plus told me to let him know if I need more. He makes sure I'm taken care of and sees his money as ours, not just his.

Salaries shouldn't come into it. 2 adults, 2 kids, half each.

I was in situation where I had 2 kids, OH had none, I earned £3k/yr more than him but he wanted me to pay 75% of everything, ie, I pay for me and my kids but as they were exactly that, kids, I agreed to 2/3.

@Harmonypuss of course income needs to come into the equation of who pays what, esp when she looses income by moving in with a much higher earner.
And in a few years the household income is what will be taken into account if her DS was to go to uni.

She cannot move in as the lower earner when he isn't prepared to support both her and her DS.

@Harmonypuss of course income has to come into it- if he is on that kind of income then chances are he will want a relatively good lifestyle too and will have plenty of cash , whereas OP will have next to no spare cash as she will be at least £200 a month down . I appreciate he might not want to fund 100% of everything -- but in my opinion he's taking the piss

Set up a joint account. Work out what complete total for expenses is (everything other than spending moneys) and then make a budget including amounts for days out with kids etc. Say 4000 a month

Proportionally from both salaries. If he makes 3x what you earn you pay 1k he pays 3k
And

I would include in the budget his debt/maintenance as well as your current childcare costs.

This may leave him with more than you at the end of the month but that would happen if you didn't live together?

If you love him and can afford this go enjoy. Being able to have this conversation should be a good indicator of your ability to communicate.good luck xxx

@Crikeyalmighty

Of course he wants a decent lifestyle, that's why he earns that much but at the end of the day if the OP doesn't like what's on offer, she doesn't have to move in with him.
I'm my situation, my extra £3k/yr meant absolutely nothing coz I paid 2/3 of all joint household stuff but I still paid for my own car, clothing, everything to do with my kids, so all in all if I added everything we both paid together it turned out that I was paying over 80% of our overall costs and he was just putting the majority of his cash into HIS savings (not a joint account), then he was doing cash in hand work on top which gave him another at least £10k/yr, so he was actually earning a decent amount more than me but I was paying the lion's share of our costs.
This was all because I AGREED to pay more coz the kids were mine but if the situation was such that one was mine and the other his, I would have insisted on 50:50, regardless of our individual incomes. Just because one earns more than the other, unless they're married, one should not be expected to financially carry the other!

@Harmonypuss but we are talking a massive income difference here , not just an odd 3k and they are engaged. Unless he's prepared to consider his income family money - I for one wouldn't move in and be worse off- will he be like this if they are married?