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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

444 replies

Perfectworld · 18/06/2022 22:17

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

OP posts:
Caelan2018 · 20/06/2022 18:24

What happens when your eventually marry buy a house and maybe have more children

Chuck2015 · 20/06/2022 18:25

When I first moved in with my partner he earned £20k and I earned about 40k (much less now we have a child). I paid 2/3 of everything and for holidays etc which I thought was fair.
I continue to pay for about 70% of everything but he does more childcare when i have a work contract. My point being it’s not always about what is fair, it’s about treating the other person with respect and paying what you can afford. Imo he should be paying 3/4 of everything, because that reflects what you both can afford.

MrsPetty · 20/06/2022 18:27

Wow. I’d stay put and have a good think about his values. I don’t sense any sharing in your scenario ….

cherish123 · 20/06/2022 18:32

I would say 50/50. However as you will be worse off living together, you are probably better living separately. Seems a bit unfair that your UC is cut because you move in with someone. I can understand when you are married but presumably while you are not married, your money will be separate.

Lullab · 20/06/2022 18:34

NO No No!! - Get these things sorted before you move in together. Sounds like he is either not sure about the partnership or he is trying to control you. You should not be worse off by moving in with him. Is he intending to share the housework, childcare, laundry, cooking, etc. or are you expected to do this?

Boymama2119 · 20/06/2022 18:40

When my husband and I first moved in together we both put around 70% of our salary into the joint account..he earnt a lot more that me so always put in more, but from that account we paid all rent and bills and food etc and the 30% remaining was ours to do as we please. We now just put all money into our joint account and don’t have any separate money. But it definitely felt the fairest way to us initially.

venus7 · 20/06/2022 18:42

Perfectworld · 18/06/2022 22:29

He has said I should pay 50/50 rent (the same amount as I am now). He will pay all joint bills. I will pay non-joint bills e.g. my car, DC's clubs and school dinners, my mobile, mine and DC's clothing. But him paying the joint bills does not equal what I will lose in UC and child benefit, so I will be worse off IYSWIM. I have no debt. He does have debt.

If he has debt on that income, I would worry about his financial attitudes, other than the completely unreasonable 50/50 split he's suggesting.

Octomore · 20/06/2022 18:43

gamerchick · 18/06/2022 22:20

I would say no to moving in. You and your kid will lose and he will gain.

Tell him it's not going to work and you should stay as you are.

This. He'll save money, while you'll be worse off.

Alleycat1 · 20/06/2022 18:43

You will be worse off financially and you can bet you will be doing the lion's share of the housework, shopping, chores etc. He gets an extra £2,000 per month and an unpaid Housekeeper. What is in it for you? I hope he is at least spectacular in bed, OP.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 20/06/2022 18:50

Hang on… so he’s on 4x more than you but expects you to pay half, struggle more than you already are, so he can save more money to put away for savings?

Do not do it.

PrimoPiatti · 20/06/2022 18:50

Run. In 35 years we've never had one argument about money. Our incomes have see-sawed, but everything has always been joint. Run like hell....

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 20/06/2022 18:50

There's no way I'd move in with him under those circumstances if I were you, @Perfectworld.

GorgeousPizza · 20/06/2022 18:55

This is a form of financial coercive control. My ex did this to me, he saved while I spent most of
my wages on bills etc. when he left me, he took all the savings and blew them on whatever he wanted and left me with nothing. I can’t afford to go after the now spent money in court, it is however coercive control as he’s controlling the finances. Do NOT marry this guy!

Redberries85 · 20/06/2022 19:03

Please don’t do this. It’s happened to me and I was a complete doormat. After the relationship ended I was left totally broke and he had saved loads. Please do not let him do this to you and he knows exactly what he’s doing…

Scotland32 · 20/06/2022 19:11

gamerchick · 18/06/2022 22:20

I would say no to moving in. You and your kid will lose and he will gain.

Tell him it's not going to work and you should stay as you are.

This! Plus, to me, his suggestions are a red flag for the future.

TheGoogleMum · 20/06/2022 19:15

If you're serious enough to move in together perhaps you should be serious enough to have shared finances so no need to worry about how to split things. If he doesn't want to it tells you a lot about him

billy1966 · 20/06/2022 19:27

God almighty are you out of your mind?

Your gut is screaming at you NOT to do this.

You are giving up everything, your home, independence, security, to be his house skivvy and au pair and it costing you.

How in God's name could you be anything but terrified of this peril.

He is up 2k and gets a skivvy and childcare.

Your child deserves so much better than a mother being so reckless as to even consider this.

Only the dimest of the dim would volunteer for this clusterfxxk.

Of course he wants this, he can't believe his luck that he has actually found someone silly enough to consider this.

Wake up atvwhat is staring you in the face.

An unbelievable bad decision that will cost you so much and make you absolutely stuck and at this mean man's mercy.

There is no way any decent man would suggest this.

No Way any man would respect a woman who would agree to this.

Sorry to be harsh but you need to cop on quick before you really fxxk up your life and that of your child with this madness.

oldstudentmum · 20/06/2022 19:29

So by you moving in you will loss approx £80 child benefit per month - my opinion is he should give u that plus what you lose in tax credits universal credits. I’m sorry to be blunt but you are not going to benefit in anyway, you will probably find yourself doing more housework etc. In the eyes of the government or whoever his earnings are considered to be contributing to your child. Oh and doesn’t he get a reduction in child maintenance for having a child living with him( ie yours as he he deemed supporting that child).
The gap in your respective incomes bills should be pro rata and taking into consideration the loss of child benefit etc. He would still be able to save, and so would you.

oldstudentmum · 20/06/2022 19:35

oldstudentmum · 20/06/2022 19:29

So by you moving in you will loss approx £80 child benefit per month - my opinion is he should give u that plus what you lose in tax credits universal credits. I’m sorry to be blunt but you are not going to benefit in anyway, you will probably find yourself doing more housework etc. In the eyes of the government or whoever his earnings are considered to be contributing to your child. Oh and doesn’t he get a reduction in child maintenance for having a child living with him( ie yours as he he deemed supporting that child).
The gap in your respective incomes bills should be pro rata and taking into consideration the loss of child benefit etc. He would still be able to save, and so would you.

I shall also add I feel he is a bit of a piss taker. 6 months down the line he would have 12k in savings. In eighteen months all his debts gone !!!!! All thanks to you and your child. What would you have?

Begrateful · 20/06/2022 19:36

Don't move!

70kid · 20/06/2022 19:47

At the moment I assume you have a tenancy
that’s affordable with your UC top up

if this relationship goes tits up
could you rent a 2 bed flat / house easily

The rental market is brutal at the moment

Tenants often need a perfect Credit score and earn as a min often 3 x the annual rent .

They often want guarantors who are home owners if you don’t

so if your rent is 1k a month you will need to earn 36k as a min

do you earn this without UC top up if you don’t I wouldn’t even consider moving .

And if you have social housing you would be insane to give up a secure social tenancy

MummyGummy · 20/06/2022 19:48

Surely if you are getting married everything goes into a joint account, and all earnings & expenses are shared.

LaDamaDeElche · 20/06/2022 19:49

I honestly wouldn’t even be considering this. You’re putting yourself and your child in a very precarious situation if things go wrong. Stay as you are and if/when he’s actually serious about a commitment he’ll come to you with a fairer solution. It doesn’t make sense for you financially at all. I would be having serious doubts about a commitment with anyone who would want me and my child to be worse off or would see this in any way fair. What about when your child needs stuff? You won’t be able to afford it with that set up and I doubt he’ll pay. What about holidays? Will he expect you to pay your share based on percentages with your deficit of 200 pounds per month. This just doesn’t sound like it’s a viable ‘partnership’ at all.

Charliepops80 · 20/06/2022 19:50

Sanfranciscobabe · 18/06/2022 22:22

i would suggest a proportional split so you pay 19% of everything and he pays the rest - how would that leave you spending money wise?

once you’re married/have kids together I’d expect equal personal spending money, joint savings & everything else in one pot. Agree this up front though, if he’s not up for that id reconsider

^^ this! My ex husband and I used to split things 50:50 and he ended up being able to go on lads weekends and nights up town and savings and I ended up in debt and bankrupt after the marriage broke down! A % in proportion to your income is much more fair and the way I would go if I ever lived with my new partner

Mumontour85 · 20/06/2022 19:51

120k vs 28k, down the middle split on rent?! What an utterly ridiculous idea. Why expect fairness when your salaries and income are so vastly unfair?? Absolutely bonkers that you're even here asking.

Both of you need to contribute a percentage of your salary to the house, including joint bills. Both take care of your own expenses individually.

Otherwise you are losing money entering a Partnership that should support you and help you. I'm not saying that you should financially benefit from a relationship necessarily, but you certainly shouldn't lose out as his wealth increases!