To have told her she'll need to sort something herself

[Oni0n]

DSD is a teen (14 nearly 15). I've reminded her already that it's father's day on Sunday.

She's just asked me half an hour ago 'have I got a card to give him or something?' basically saying 'have you sorted me a card to give my dad?' I just looked blankly and said I don't know, have you?

She is now saying she's got no money and won't have anything to give him because she thought I was going to sort it. Why she thinks that I don't know as I never have done before.

She gets pocket money but spends it on sweets and other crap.

I've told her sorry but I've not got anything and I'm not rushing to the shop now so she'll have to either make him something or not give him anything.

AIBU?

We do have a child together however they have made a card and gift at nursery so theirs is sorted.

It's not a thread about resenting a step child. The 'step' relationship is nothing to do with OP's complaint..
The OP is about a teenager being uncaring and entitled. Actual mothers post this stuff all the time.

I expect my children to sort this for themselves, albeit following numerous reminders to make sure they don’t forget, and find it a bit weird when parents whose teenaged children are old enough to go the shops by themselves and who get given pocket money, still buy presents and cards for said teenagers to give to family members. That really is setting the bar low for expectations of money management, thoughtfulness and consideration. A teenager is plenty old enough to have learnt that it is nice to at least give a parent a card on mother’s or father’s day, and even if they forget until the last minute despite the regular reminders to do something, or run out of money, is quite capable of making a cake with ingredients already in the house, or drawing a card. That said, the OP comes across as cold and unfeeling towards her dsd, largely because she has written nothing but sarcastic and negative comments about her, or made comments which strongly imply she is extremely hands off when it comes to anything that might resemble parenting her dsd.

My dad's dead so I've always told my children not to expect me to prompt them. It doesn't register for me.

@Tilltheend99
Possibly, yet this teen hasn’t even been able to manage a scribble on a card

Absolutely this. You've done exactly the right thing, OP. Stand your ground.

@ZenNudist

i wouldn’t be more helpful if it was my own child

I’d be quite ashamed of them actually

@Sometimeswinning presumably your kids are a lot younger than OP’s stepdaughter

Give her some card/paper and pens, pencils or paint. A homemade card is worth far more than a shop bought card. She has no excuse not to make him something. It’s the thought that counts after all and you buying a card and pretending it’s from her means absolutely nothing.
If she doesn’t want to put any effort whatsoever in, then it’s better to give him nothing and let her deal with it.

@LicoricePizza

OP has every right to be resentful of being spoken to like that.

She would well be within her rights to be resentful also if it was her biological daughter speaking to her rather than stepdaughter.

Rudeness is rudeness at the end of the day. I don’t tolerate if from anyone and by the sounds of it nor does OP. Good for her.

Whether you’re a parent or stepparent you can still be pissed off by a young persons shitty behaviour. You don’t just have to absorb it passively with a smile on your face as some posters on here seem to think.

@CodeNamechange

lol your post is so funny.

trying to make out Op is depriving her stepdaughter because step daughter buys a load of sweets and shite from the corner shop on her way from school. As does every teen.

The leaps and twists people on here are resorting to to try and slur OP because she is a) a woman b) a stepmother c) both a and b plus someone who will not martyr and prostate herself in the face or rudeness and entitlement, is absolutely disgusting.

some people on here should be ashamed of their thinly veiled misogyny they really should

She sounds very selfish.

Jesus - when I was 10 onwards, me and my siblings were sorting out Mother's Day, Father's Day, wedding anniversary, christmas, easter and birthday cards and presents for our parents. Had to be done each year and done on time.

There would have been war if we didn't have these things laid on evey time.

@LuckySantangelo35 oldest one is 12. Is that acceptable to not help out?? Or should I surprise her tomorrow with the fact she should have tried harder? (I've obviously sorted it).

I agree. But you don’t retaliate as the adult in the equation with more power games. If you want a good relationship with your SD or your DC, you address the issue, explain why their behaviour is unacceptable, get to the bottom of it, why there is resentment at all. Work it out. What’s going on for them. We’ll never know. We only have v limited info. The SD may have good reason to be resentful towards her SM. She may not. SM may have good reason to resent SD if she is behaving in a way that’s causing her to. But acting out usually has something driving it. Adults playing games & acting out in response isn’t modelling anything healthy IMO.

I think best not to get involved. In grand scheme things this not important it mostly a commercial thing.
My youngest made card at school. I mentioned to older kids about making Father day cards or what do you want to do I'll arrange neither seemed interested.
At one Stage earlier they wanted to buy a card in shop but I said no too expensive just make it.
The day will go by like almost every other Sunday why not

At 15 and the daughter of divorced parents it's on her to organise her own gift, she isn't your daughter and her mother is no longer with her dad, why would either of you buy a gift for her dad? It's on her if she hasn't sorted something, not your problem.

If it were me I would pick a card up when shopping. It's hurtful to the person on the receiving end ( or not) not to have something on a day which should be a nice one.
Doing nothing and leaving her to squirm will not help any of you.
Teenagers are selfish, but they grow out of it. Cut her a little slack here.

You've reminded her and told her she could bake a cake bit she can't be arsed

Even my 11 year old is capable of walking to the shop and buying a card, although he'd probably need reminding

OP you do not come across well IMO in this scenario. Making a huge mountain out of a tiny molehill. You could have answered " Yep . I don't have a card but here's a piece of paper - write something nice and I should have the ingredients for pancakes if you help me in the morning. Set your alarm'.
I am always amazed at the " I was living independently at 14 and working 3 jobs and doing all the housework ,crowd on MN". So many of you would have apparently had a beautiful gift ( purchased with your own hard earned money from one of your many jobs) wrapped and delivered to your dad's bed in the morning with coffee , a handmade card and no doubt eggs benedict made by your own good self. "cough" bullshit .
So like every teenager in the world. Yeah/Nah.
Maybe check with your parents before you start romanticising the wonders of you that was a teenager. 😂
You may find you were exactly like OP's SD. Totally unreliable, totally self-absorbed and totally normal.It's a phase. Almost everyone grows out of it. A bit of help and selective blindness to faults goes a long way at this age.
OP - help her with a cake or pancakes and move on with your life!

I mean… this is the argument isn’t it. Why does being the daughter of divorced parents mean she gets treated more shabbily than ops pnc?

Maybe this 14 year old is lazy or maybe it is just another good excuse to treat her as the step child.

Dsd is 36 and has 3kids. She lives in another town with her partner.
Never once has she remembered to send her dad a card for Fathers Day,,or indeed his birthday.
He will probably get a text later and maybe a card next week or the week after.
She has always been like this. It makes me so angry and I feel so sorry for him that his own child cant be bothered.
We met up once on his birthday, a good chance,you might think to actually give him a card,but no, nothing.
My own dd,s never forget him, treat him like he is a king.
She knows fathers day is coming , she gets stuff for her kids to give to their own father.
Every year I get angry about this and so do my dd,s

It’s not your anger to have though. It’s between the 36 yr daughter and her father. The child the OP refers to may turn out the same, we don’t know but in the meantime the time the OP spent on MN seeking validation for not helping out she could have given her a break and nipped to the shop with her.

Not your business and certainly not your DDs business!

She's 36, she can do as she likes.

@RealBecca 100% this whole post was not to see who agreed but to justify.
Yes teenagers are teenagers, if they are being judged on what they spend their pocket money on, they are probably not comfortable going through kitchen cupboards and making stuff unsupervised not in their own home too. The child must be fairly good with her baking skills at 14 to be able to produce a cake on her own too. Am 100% certain my 17yr old DSC couldn't- could make a massive mess but a cake, absolutely not. I would find the baking mess and the faff all more hassle than the shop run or giving them a few pounds too.
Given the description of the whole situation, it reads like OP wanted DSC to fail and is happy for hubby to suffer as a result. Can usually pick up a choc orange or a Toblerone for a quid or two plus a pound for another card. Could all have been resolved for under £3 without the family relationships suffering. Instead you now have a moody teen, a disappointed Dad, presumably a happy ex and a smug SM. Not the vibe I would want in my household but c'est la vie, hope everyone is as satisfied with the outcome tomo as today. As I suggested earlier if it really was just about the money you could have given her the money and a chore to earn it.

I agree with this. My similar aged daughter forgot a father's day card this year. So I picked up a card for her with my shopping. No big deal. Often with cards we'll both be out together and I'll remind her to grab a card when we're near a shop that sells them. I've always tended to remind her, but she still does nice things for people, and doesn't seem to be becoming unkind! She baked her dad a cake by herself, but I picked up the ingredients for her. I think if you show people kindness that's what they learn. These days she'll often make me cups of tea or bakes us the odd cake without prompting.

I don't get the stress. Don't we all just help each other out? Maybe it's because I'm not great at remembering birthdays/ buying cards myself so I just don't see it as crime of the century.