To have told her she'll need to sort something herself

[Oni0n]

DSD is a teen (14 nearly 15). I've reminded her already that it's father's day on Sunday.

She's just asked me half an hour ago 'have I got a card to give him or something?' basically saying 'have you sorted me a card to give my dad?' I just looked blankly and said I don't know, have you?

She is now saying she's got no money and won't have anything to give him because she thought I was going to sort it. Why she thinks that I don't know as I never have done before.

She gets pocket money but spends it on sweets and other crap.

I've told her sorry but I've not got anything and I'm not rushing to the shop now so she'll have to either make him something or not give him anything.

AIBU?

We do have a child together however they have made a card and gift at nursery so theirs is sorted.

Gobsmacked at the infantilisation of 14 year old children who are 100% capable of buying a card.

No wonder these kids get to university/working age and expect the world handed to them on a plate.

OP has done nothing wrong, except for putting up with weirdos on mumsnet who think kids suffering perfectly fair and non damaging consequences for their inaction is tantamount to child abuse.

My teen was offered a lift into town yesterday, she had a huff and flounced out of the car at the last minute. Consequence? She cycled instead while I drove off without her.

Sorry OP. You are the stepmother and on MN that makes you the bad, horrible person by default. According to many on MN, if stepchildren are ever rude, disrespectful, unorganised, or abusive in any other way, YOU as the stepmother, must accept this in a loving and understanding manner. YOU are never to put a boundary around such behaviour as it’s not your place to do so. YOU must put your needs and feelings to one side and be available at all times for these poor misunderstood children and YOU must do this as selflessly as possible. YOU must never dare speak or think any negative thoughts about stepchildren because to do so is just plain bitchy and obviously means you don’t like the stepchild/ren. Honestly, it is incredibly frightening how stepmothers are viewed on this site sometimes.

You reminded DSD several times of Fathers Day and then gave her several alternatives to get it sorted. Maybe you could remind her that a lack of planning on her behalf does not constitute an emergency on your behalf.

I was baking and following recipes when I was much younger than 14!

one of my dc loves baking and has been baking for years too. Probably from when she was around 10. She asks me to buy her ingredients and I do.

the fact here OP’s SD, didn’t ask OP for anything. OP reminded her SD Father’s Day was coming up and she was ignored. Then the night before FD SD asks OP have I got him a card or something, she hasn’t asked OP to pick up a card for her dad or anything.

OP he suggested SD make her own card and has a craft box and suggested she bake a cake. SD has baked previously. But SD opted to sulk.

no idea why posters here think SD is incapable of baking or making a card, when OP has said she has happily baked before in OP’s house, SD didn’t at anytime ask OP to help her with anything.

I'm quite shocked at the number of utterly incapable 14 year olds with no initiative, who are apparently utterly selfish and thoughtless. It’s not a given that all teens are like that.

No wonder there are herds of useless teens around who become useless adults, when infantilised to this level. No time to buy card? Make one at home.

The effort should be SDs
Give her materials to make a card.
Ingredients for brownies, flapjacks or a cake.
The effort should not be yours.

You sound like a horrible woman. I hope your husband doesn't split up with you and your kid ends up with a stepmum like you. What a bitch.

JFC this place is bonkers. I agree with PP who have said it is really difficult to employ young people these days because so many of them are completely incapable of independent thought and life skills. I blame the parents.

This girl has 2 parents. Where are they in all this? And all you dissing on OP for having something ready from her DC - it was taken care of in Kindergarten. Job done.

It is ok to let the consequences happen. Either the DSD has prepared something, and all good. Or she hasn't and her father might be disappointed, and maybe both of them will learn something from this. And in future either she'll remember, or it will be a non-event. Time will tell. And this is happening up and down the country with step- and non-step-children. That is just by the by.

I really don't understand people buying card for other people to give.

A Father's Day card is a personal thing. I spend ages choosing the right card to give to someone. I'd never ask anyone else to buy it. Any picture or words in it would mean nothing, because they're not words I've chosen. It's not 'from me'.

If OP had bought a card for DSD to give to her Dad it would be entirely meaningless. Literally the only involvement DSD would have would be to write her name and hand it to her dad. She'd not have chosen it, she'd not have paid for it. How incredibly impersonal and unloving.

If my DD just handed me a card on mothers Day that someone else had chosen and paid for, I'd feel horrible.

The crazies really do come out on MN overnight.

@Vikinga

omg get a grip!!

14 is plenty old enough and for one week rather than her spending all her pocket money on sweets and crap she can part with a pound for a card for her father. It’s literally once a year.

honesly it’s no wonder there are so many entitled, self serving young people around these days when you have adults like you facilitating their selfish behaviour and thinking they can do no wrong.

If another adult got a mothers day card for your DD to give you then you wouldn't know and the other adult (your husband/partner or other adult) would have done it as they care about how you feel not because they are doing it for your daughter.

This is ridiculous. The OP hasn’t locked her in the sodding cellar!

If another adult got a mothers day card for your DD to give you then you wouldn't know and the other adult (your husband/partner or other adult) would have done it as they care about how you feel not because they are doing it for your daughter.

If we all did this as standard then we DO know they didn't pick it themselves, don't we. Unless we're all expected to lie and never acknowledge it's actually the parents doing it.

Gifts, especially from children, are not just about the person receiving them. It's important for the children to learn about thinking of and doing nice things for others, themselves.

But the OP has said this is a one off, Saturday night so for whatever reason this year the SD has asked her SM for help and it was refused and the person who is going to be hurt is the OPs husband. Why would she want that, unless she wants to paint the SD in a bad light?

But the OP has said this is a one off, Saturday night so for whatever reason this year the SD has asked her SM for help and it was refused and the person who is going to be hurt is the OPs husband. Why would she want that, unless she wants to paint the SD in a bad light?

It wasn't too late for SD to sort it herself. She could have made something. I made my family members a card every year.

Completely agree. If 14 is too young to be taught the world doesn't revolve around you, and to show consideration towards others, I wonder when some people are planning to start the lesson.
Truth is, it's probably never. So intent are they on keeping their off spring perpetual babies, pandering to them like servants, that they neglect their responsibility to bring up decent independent adults. Then some other unfortunate person who ends up in a relationship with them gets to reap what they've sown.

@853ax

Yep it’ll just be like with every other Sunday except with some added disappointment for dad at the lack of appreciation his kids have shown him.

@ancientgran

stepdaughter has already painted herself in a bad light.

By not being willing to part with a quid of her pocket money. And now she can’t be arsed to make a cake or card.

This is all on her, she will look bad tomorrow and it will all be fault.

Oh well! Maybe it’ll teach her a lesson for next year

@ancientgran

again she could have made her dad a card.

Maybe dad needs to see her lack of effort and appreciation and have a word with her about it.

He should tell her he’s disappointed in her. I would.

So what happened @Oni0n Did she step up or not?

@LouisRenault. What's your point?

That 14 year olds ARE old enough to consent and therefore ARE old enough to buy a card?

Or that they AREN'T?

Well said, that’s my experience too sadly.

@OfficePaper

As a parent you can’t be responsible for your children’s actions forever and ever you know!

This girl is a person in her own right with her own autonomy etc

she herself chose not to bother to make a card. She chose not to bother to make him one.

These decisions are hers and hers alone. Neither her father nor OP are responsible for them.

This child is 14! Not 4!

I would have just helped her. It’s no big deal.

In respect of the above comments about the nightmare entitled lazy kids. From my experience the ones with the issues come from families as is the situation here. The reality is blended families are often awful for kids and fuck them up but as it suits the adults, we blame the kids for any issues they have resulting from it.

If it was a friend who had forgotten her mums birthday I’d give her a lift to help her sort it. Just human kindness. Why be an arsehole for the sake of it? Perhaps she doesn’t think of him as father of the year so it’s difficult for her. It doesn’t sound an ideal set up for her to be fair and it was an opportunity for you to demonstrate adult kind caring support to a child with direction how to do better in future. Instead you said fuck you and got the wine bottle out. Go you.

@Yesthatsit

Yes go OP!

She is teaching this young person that her actions (or lack of) have consequences.

she is showing to her that she will not be spoken to like that and is thus modelling self respect

op has also made helpful suggestions as to how the girl can rectify the situation eg make a card or bake a cake. The girl can’t be bothered. Laziness. That is OP’s fault how exactly?

Children whether they come from a blended family or not should not be mollycoddled because when they get out into the real world it is very hard for them to realise that others will not mollycoddle them and will not tolerate shitty entitled selfish behaviour

You have a 14 year old who’s probably pushed from pillar to post between parents that can’t stand each other anymore. Dads new family that she doesn’t fit into, the new baby gets all the attention as does the new partner.
Teenagers are capable but they’re also emotionally vulnerable. They have bad moods, if you’re going to be in her life for a while why not try to have a good relationship.
Your child is only small what would you do when they’re a moody 14 yr old? Or will they be excused, and be helped as they’re your child and not someone else’s?