Just caught my partner crying over the behaviour of our son

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My son has additional needs, he could possibly have autism but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He can’t talk yet (still babbles at aged 2), and he has awful meltdowns and can’t sit still. When he is angry he screams at the top of his voice and will begin trying to head butt things, most often the floor, as well as hitting himself. We try everything we can to calm him and comfort him and it’s been something I’m constantly getting calls from our nursery about. He doesn’t understand ‘no’, and communicates with us mainly through leading or pointing to things and images to tell us what he wants/how he’s feeling. He has been referred for speech and language therapy, and to a paediatrician.

We decided to go to a holiday park this weekend, it’s a nice forest lodge one that is quite quiet but has lots for kids to do. We booked activities for DS to go with him, but nothing too overwhelming for him. He loves swimming so we’ve booked to do that on both days we’re here.

Today we took him to build his own teddy (stuffing ourselves) and he picked out a teddy and we started stuffing. He refused to sit on the chair, tried to climb the table, and ended up back at the teddy station so we picked another teddy to stuff, too. He then had a huge meltdown and started running around the room screaming in front of other families who were all staring at us. He tried to head butt us when we picked him up and eventually we just left because it was getting too difficult to continue and to be honest, too uncomfortable.

We came back to the lodge and my partner went straight to the toilet, where it turns out he was crying because he found the situation so overwhelming.

Half of me is tempted for us to cancel the holiday and just go home, we’d planned some painting for this afternoon but I’m scared it’ll go the same way.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave.

I thought what with the creative activities which he loves doing at home and nursery, and the swimming, we’d have a nice time away but it’s been so stressful.

I know it being a new environment will be a factor, but he is absolutely fine at the lodge.

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Do we stay and try to have a nice time or just go home? I want to be able to do nice family things but it’s just becoming anxiety inducing for both of us and the stares and comments aren’t nice at all.

I just want my son to enjoy himself and let us enjoy things with him.

Sorry if this post seems selfish.

Oh OP most people there will have been parents at some point in their lives and will not be judging. I still remember DS age 3 having a huge meltdown at a playpark because he didn't want to leave. We asked nicely, many times and tried various things to get him to leave but in the end there was nothing for it but for DH to pick him up like a rugby ball and walk to the car with DS screaming and kicking and wailing. It was a long walk and then another battle to get DS into the car seat. And I was upset too because I had never seen DS quite so determined or unable to stop the meltdown.

Is this unusual behaviour for a 2 year old?? I ask because my now 3-year old was like this a year ago, and my youngest turns 2 in a fortnight and you could be describing him! Isn't this sort of behaviour where the term 'terrible twos' came from? If your son's behaviour is unusual, then so is the behaviour of both my sons!

@Sashytomps i haven’t self diagnosed my child, we’ve been told by multiple professionals he likely has autism and he’s been referred for a proper assessment already x

@CoralPaperweight never ask your child if you can leave! You tell them when and if they refuse, you absolutely pick them up and carry them as your DH did. One chance,then act otherwise you’ll be setting yourself up for a future of asking your child for permission/ pleading with them.

You will have to parent differently to NT parenting It is bloody hard work.

@Benjispruce4 sorry yes you're right. It was a long time ago! I think we actually used phrases such 'come on now DS it's time to go, everyone else is leaving'. 'We've had lots of fun but it's time to go' BUT nothing nothing nothing worked (partly because he had finally got a go on the big digger you could sit on and lift sand up and down with)

Hi. Didn't read whole thread, only your posts, so sorry if repetitive but just wanted to say if anything, push for Occupational Therapy. So often our little autistic ones get referred to speech therapy first but what they really need is sensory integration/ regulation first. The speech/language won't come if they're not regulated from a sensory perspective. I say this as a speech therapist and mum to autistic kids. A good OT is worth their weight in gold. Can't say this enough.
And there is an Irish autistic lady who does a course called "parenting your autistic child" that might be helpful to you and your husband. Not sure of website but called Ausome Training, or something like that.
You're doing great though. So obvious from your post how much you and your husband love your baby, with parents like you he will thrive.
And try not to worry about what others think. It's tough but most people are kind and more feeling for you than judging you.

I went away in November, probably to the same place you are at now by the sounds of it, and my LO didn’t want to do any of the activities we’d planned. I was a little upset as they cost a fortune and because it seemed like every other family could do the activities… but then I came to the conclusion that she just wasn’t feeling the activities that holiday and replanned the rest of the break to better suit her mood, which that week was explore the forest and use her balance bike and scooter. If you still fancy an activity I’d recommend the geocaching.. you’ll never win but it’s a good activity for you and your partner and the LO will just enjoy the exploring!

Sounds like you’ve done a lovely job of changing your expectations and embracing what works for him.

I was diagnosed with autism at 24 and my whole childhood was a series of disappointing my parents by not enjoying experiences that they had booked for me to have fun. At the end of the day if the environment is overwhelming and or there is uncomfortable social interactions or it doesn’t feel comfortable, I’m not having fun, no matter how supposedly fun the activity is. Worth remembering what you think is fun might not be his idea of fun and something you consider bizarre and boring might be his dream; for me, going on the plane to get somewhere is overwhelmingly exciting, more so than the destination!

Haven't rtft, only your updates, but wanted to wish you, your partner and your lovely DS a lovely rest of your holiday.

Oh my love - this sounds very much like my son at that age. It's doubly hard when they are small because their ability to communicate is so limited.

Screaming fits we're usually an indication that my son's sensory needs were not being met. Was it bright? Loud? Hot? Thinking about the possible triggers for bad behaviour is worthwhile so you can avoid similar triggers in the future.

Tbh, I found the easiest thing was to change my expectations. Doing 'normal' toddler activities was sometimes a recipe for disaster, but when we followed our son's leave and see what interested him, he had some very happy times. He did mean some very surreal walks where I spent time looking at things that were of interest to my son (TV aerials, unusually shaped railings and numbers on doors. But we figured, in the end, when DS was happier we were all more relaxed.)

Sometimes deflection can be useful. My son loved doors - he got very fixated on trying to open any door he saw - which was problematic when he tried to open random people's gates/front doors. So we carried around little bags of Duplo doors (picked up on eBay, so we could distract and steer him away when we needed to. Distract/deflect strategies still works and my son's 8 now!

Well done. But that's just normal parenting for a 2 year old, distraction and swift removal. Please don't be too quick to label him at that age when he's doing what most 2 year olds do.
Neither of my children would have sat still to do art or craft at 2. They would have wriggled down, run around, whinged and whined. In fact they never enjoyed it but are perfectly normal adults now.

Please remember it is the few that are looking at you and thinking the worst. The majority are either a, feeling for you because they have been there or b, just feeling bloody grateful it isn't their kid doing it.

@Titsflyingsouth my DS had the gate/ door thing too! It was very difficult, we lived in a terraced house in the middle of a London street, you can imagine the palaver involved in going for a walk! Automatic doors and lift doors were the absolute height for him, it was almost impossible to get him past them, so plenty of interesting scenes in shops, petrol stations, hospitals etc. We got through it in the end, he has zero interest in any of those things now!

No wonder the mental health of men is absolutely shit and the suicide rate is so high. He has every right to go to the loo in private and have a cry if it’s overwhelming for him. They both do. As for telling him to man up, that’s the worse thing you can say to someone who is struggling.

Hi my son has autism and 2 was a very difficult age as he got overwhelmed very easily and couldn't communicate his needs. We found going away the most difficult and never had more than one big activity booked a day. I find he needs quiet time in between outings or it leads to meltdowns. For any activities try booking at quieter times like first thing in the morning and try not to have activities that involve a lot of waiting or sitting. I feel for you both it's very tough but you do adapt. Make sure he has lots of comfort items from home for quiet time. We also got a tablet for our son to use when out snd he gets bored and its a godsend for us.Just don't pressure yourselves to be like any other family do what works to keep you all happy and settled.

Totally agree. How many women have been reduced to tears over their child’s appalling and embarrassing behavior? He is a struggling parent too!

I’m glad you had a good time at the pool. I agree with the comment that this is normal distraction parenting. I always brought plenty of snacks and drinks for dd during swim trips. Children of any age get hungry and thirsty and young children just cannot wait.

Just to say I was also told this at two and it was nonsense. Far too young to diagnose.

I can still remember the SENCO repeatedly pulling me to one side at preschool whispering fertively that his behaviour was 'not normal '. I couldn't believe they were deciding this stuff at two!!! Thankfully the paediatrician disagreed.

Hope you enjoyed the rest of your break. I think it was wise to cancel the planned activities. There is a massive difference between painting at home and painting in a controlled environment with other children, taking instructions, following rules etc. notwithstanding the additional needs, that’s a tough ask for many toddlers.

if it makes you feel any better, my 3yo spent her swimming lesson today not giving a toss what the teacher asked her to do and largely ignoring any instruction.She was tired and couldn’t cope with doing anything structured this morning. She had the most almighty meltdown after changing and I had to carry her to the car kicking and screaming. Many parents have been there and don’t worry they were judging you. Most likely they were feeling sympathetic.

Maybe not much help now, but I learnt from working with people with profound learning disabilities they often use 'amber' and 'red' signs to give them some warning that the activity is going to end.

I use this with my 2 year old, I let her know we're going to leave in 5 minutes, but as that's a long time for them to forget, I also set a 1 minute timer on my phone and say "what would you like to do in your last minute here?", then leave when the alarm goes off. Maybe not so easy with the swimming pool though!

If you can have prepare them in advance for another loved activity planned afterwards (for my daughter it would be a babyccino), that can also help them to tolerate transitions.

My husband has helped DD to cope with stress by teaching her some basic breathing techniques and also giving her a stone to hold. Best to teach this when they're not completely losing it.

I hope some of this is helpful.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread.
i have 2 dc with autism, they are now teens. I remember holidays when they were little, they were really hard work but I stuck with it and as they got older it got easier.

My top tip is not to expect anything, do not picture in your head how the day/activity will pan out, be prepared to walk away early, be prepared for meltdowns but do not expect things to run smoothly. Expecting any 2 year old to complete a activity is a big ask.

Being outdoors is easier than indoors, it’s easier to pull them away without causing a scene, it’s easier to create a distraction and there’s less people to judge. The beach has always been the place my dd2 loves the most, both DC’s love being outdoors, in the woods, on the beach or a park, both hate being in a busy shop or taking part in a activity where they are expected to sit still or follow instructions.

2 year olds hate the word ‘no’, autistic 2 year olds really hate the word ‘no’, so instead of saying ‘no’ or ‘you can’t do that’ give him options ‘shall we go back to the lodge or go for a walk?’, allow him to feel that he gets some say in what he’s doing.

Glad you had a better afternoon.

Our other favourites at that size were filling a washing up bowl with water and sitting outside while the kids floated plastic toys and anything else they could find. My eldest would still do that now and he's nine!

Throwing stones into a lake or the sea has also had enduring appeal! Though wear flip flops as I did once have to run into the sea to retrieve him.....in November...in Scotland!

Just wanted to send you hugs… and just wanted to say try not to care what others think, I know that’s so hard.. and try not to make assumptions about what others think - people might wonder if they can help, feel sorry for you having to deal with this, feel sorry for DS and wonder if he’s in pain etc. I know there will also be some horrible people but some will genuinely have compassion.

When I collect DC from nursery I notice one girl who sometimes has what looks to me like meltdowns (autism type meltdowns rather than tantrums). My DC will sort of look but I try my very best to walk past and say ‘come on let’s go’ etc so the girl’s parents can deal with the situation without an audience… if I overheard anyone make a nasty comment I would literally say straight away “you don’t know the circumstances, the child might have additional needs, your comments are not helpful” etc. just wanted to say this in case it helps you to know at least some people will not be judging.

sending hugs and lots of strength, and I’m so glad your DS has you as a mum as you’re clearly so thoughtful about his needs and trying so hard to do your best in a situation that would be difficult for anyone xx

Those activities are way too focussed for a two year old. I would be doing walks, building woodland forts etc. You are setting yourself up for failure.