Just caught my partner crying over the behaviour of our son

[Dontknowwhattodonoww]

My son has additional needs, he could possibly have autism but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He can’t talk yet (still babbles at aged 2), and he has awful meltdowns and can’t sit still. When he is angry he screams at the top of his voice and will begin trying to head butt things, most often the floor, as well as hitting himself. We try everything we can to calm him and comfort him and it’s been something I’m constantly getting calls from our nursery about. He doesn’t understand ‘no’, and communicates with us mainly through leading or pointing to things and images to tell us what he wants/how he’s feeling. He has been referred for speech and language therapy, and to a paediatrician.

We decided to go to a holiday park this weekend, it’s a nice forest lodge one that is quite quiet but has lots for kids to do. We booked activities for DS to go with him, but nothing too overwhelming for him. He loves swimming so we’ve booked to do that on both days we’re here.

Today we took him to build his own teddy (stuffing ourselves) and he picked out a teddy and we started stuffing. He refused to sit on the chair, tried to climb the table, and ended up back at the teddy station so we picked another teddy to stuff, too. He then had a huge meltdown and started running around the room screaming in front of other families who were all staring at us. He tried to head butt us when we picked him up and eventually we just left because it was getting too difficult to continue and to be honest, too uncomfortable.

We came back to the lodge and my partner went straight to the toilet, where it turns out he was crying because he found the situation so overwhelming.

Half of me is tempted for us to cancel the holiday and just go home, we’d planned some painting for this afternoon but I’m scared it’ll go the same way.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave.

I thought what with the creative activities which he loves doing at home and nursery, and the swimming, we’d have a nice time away but it’s been so stressful.

I know it being a new environment will be a factor, but he is absolutely fine at the lodge.

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Do we stay and try to have a nice time or just go home? I want to be able to do nice family things but it’s just becoming anxiety inducing for both of us and the stares and comments aren’t nice at all.

I just want my son to enjoy himself and let us enjoy things with him.

Sorry if this post seems selfish.

Sorry, haven't read comments but wanted to say my son was like that at 2 and 3. He got his autism diagnosis at 4.5. He is now 8, and honestly is such a lovely boy.

Life was very hard until he began talking (around 5 ish). He has his quirks and challenges but he is a kind, sweet, and funny boy.

One thing I'll say to you that I wish I could go back and say to myself: don't do too much. Teddy bear factory is a fun treat for a kid, right? Well, not necessarily if the all the choices are overwhelming and the lights are too bright and the other kids talking is like nails on a chalkboard. I did the same - dragging him to toddler groups and swimming, thinking this is what good parenting is. It probably is - but not for neurodiverse kids. It's too much. It is ok to stay at home with familiar toys and routines.

It is OK to do less. You are planning lots of activities because you are trying to do nice things for him, but it is probably too much for him.

Hug your OH. It is hard, but it will get easier.

Hey op

@Dontknowwhattodonoww

this sounds like my daughter whose 2 and a half. Currently having what is know as ‘interactive sessions’ then moving onto speech and language, we’ve just had our first appointment with a paediatrician too.

im in tears often lol, as the screaming can be constant, the climbing, the repeated behaviour of doing something they shouldn’t and the reactions to being challenged.

however I’m so much more aware of what my child likes. I know that a field is all they need to run around and just be them. I know they enjoy being outside and being at the park ( at times hard because a melt down is due once we leave)

but starting to slowly accept that these activities we believe are fun, might not be so much fun for our children. I’d love nothing more than for my child to have some imagination play, but I know stacking things and lining objects up are what’s preferred.

so my advice is this- enjoy your time away but in a difference sense of sticking to the things he knows, we do not have to entertain our children everyday, you do not need the pressure of fitting in. The world is hard enough , let alone dealing with a child with additional needs.

It is tough, but sometimes when you’re able to both you and your partner take a step back and look how little he is.

look after yourself x

He’s ever so tiny and can’t communicate

ibe started a trigger diary
life has calmed a bit since as I now avoid a lot of things

its worth reshaping things now and avoiding things he doesn’t like
And developing strategies for things you can’t avoid

it’s very hard x

I hope you find this helpful...

My son was exactly the same. It was when he was 3/4 years old (and still babbling that it was due to his speech delay. He was frustrated because he couldn't communicate his needs. It was also exhausting for him to want something and not be able to communicate so having to come and get me to show me what he wanted. The speech therapist told me this.

So basically I think he's frustrated and not norm able to communicate his needs and tired about try to physically communicate them.

My Ds would not have enjoyed build a bear at 2 years old - far too stimulating and not that's not because he has autism.

Sometimes our exceptions are too high. Try and chill and not try to tick off activities you feel he should be doing.

I meant to say that is was when he was 3-4 years old I realised he was speech delayed. This was mainly because I could understand him but everyone else couldn't including his dad and teachers.

@Dontknowwhattodonoww

Hello.
Hope you are OK today.
I get it. I have been there. Still there sometimes.
My boy is nearly 21 now.

It's completely normal to cry feel down, frustrated and overwhelmed. Feel like every one is staring at you when child is in meltdown.

Feel bad because all you want is nice family time, memories for you and your family and the tiniest things can set off the meltdowns and you have no idea what how or why.

I have lost count of the amount of times I have cried in frustration, stress and heartbreak.

I recall taking my son theatre once. And was melt before. On the way and after. All I could thing was I am doing this for you. Why?

By the way he loves the theatre.

But now we'll now.... We go out. We watch shows. We go swimming.

We still get the anxiety. The odd behaviour melts. But I had to find what worked for him.

What worked.... Not too much build up some processing time. Him knowing now and next. What is going to happen.

It's so hard I get that. You grow a real thick skin around any judgement.

But it will get better. I can see from your post that you want to support your son.

Just wanted to say I understand. If you need any ideas just message me.

Take care xx

While it is a lesson that all parents must learn, it’s a lesson that parents of non-NT children must learn quickly…

You have to parent the child you have

We all go into parenting with expectations based upon our own ideas and societal expectations. Every child is different. Some can’t handle multiple activities in a day or need to change back at the lodge instead of in the changing room. These little adjustments make a huge difference.

op, our entire household became much calmer and dc became much happier and developed faster when we really embraced that she was a bit different and normal things for her age just wouldn’t work. We set up all sorts of different systems in our house to help with transitions, routines, and organization. We kept adapting as she grew. I did things other people thought were crazy, but you just have to remember you know your child best and ignore them.

We had lots of failed holidays and days out with youngest DC. Now a teen and we eventually learnt that if we were going on holiday it was a min of 10 days - 2 weeks. The first 3/4 days terrible meltdowns whilst adjusting to new surroundings. DH would take oldest 2 at the beginning and I would stay in the lodge, let DC play on iPad, not get dressed no demands at all. Then DC would begin to enjoy holiday. I wouldn’t book activities. When you have a DC with autism there is no guarantee if you can fulfil it then everyone feels rubbish. Choose somewhere really simple, nature, beach, streams etc…. Get lots of nice food in incase you end up staying in a lot with maybe a veranda hot tub type thing so you and DH at least can have some time. Ignore families on fb posting days out here there and everywhere. That won’t be your life but it also can be lovely in your own way. The early years are particularly difficult as you are dealing with diagnosis, your own feelings and learning all about your dc ASD. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself or DC and simplify your life, pick your battles and support each other ❤️It got easier for our family when we accepted all this

What is he like with a walk in the woods? My children have ASD and ADHD and we definitely didn't do many organised activities at that age, mine have all been at their best in the woods. It is the only place we are guaranteed a rich sensory experience, opportunities to safely climb, balance, explore, go in any direction, and not encounter loud noises or crowds. There is something so relaxing about the woods. We make our own food or get takeaways on lodge holidays too, even eating out could be too much. Movies and wine for you once he is asleep. The change of scenery will do you good, don't feel like you have to book activities to make the most of it.

Another one saying my 2 year old wasn’t much different, his sister was 6 months then and he wasn’t happy - head butting floor, etc. He found the local tiny tots group overwhelming, never left my side, terrible separations for nursery. But with 2 under 2 we couldn’t do a whole load of planned activities, just lots of walks etc. He’s fine now, off to secondary- hang on in there, lots of times I’ve curled up and cried, really feel for you guys, I’m sure it will get better

I hope you get your assessment and diagnosis soon. It does sound like autism to me.

Keeping things simple and not too overwhelming from a sensory overload perspective is the best I can suggest. There's no easy answer when your child.cant communicate. The original ideas and plans you always had in your mind have to be re considered in a new way and that can be hard. I totally feel for your husband, and you. It is hard especially if you're waiting for years on a diagnosis. Don't back down on following your instincts on this though. x

It sounds as if you're expecting a lot of a 2 yr old.

Not talking, and screaming frustration meltdowns, are common at that age. So is a short attention span. Lots of 2 yr olds don't like organised activities among strangers in a new place . They'd much rather be where everything (and everyone) is familiar.

"Stuffing a teddy" is just not on the horizon at their age. (or mine). Ours would far rather play with a washing up bowl of water and a cup in the back garden, than be taken in a noisy public pool.

Please never worry about other parents or anyone staring at you or him.

To be honest he sounds like a typical 2 year old.
holidays didn’t become enjoyable until mine were at least 5 years old. Until then they’re a nightmare and you generally have to put up with a lot of tantrums and crying. That’s why they call it the terrible twos.
Does he spend a lot of time at nursery?

Hi I’ve popped you a pm as I some visual
prompt cards that I use in a school with some children that might be use. Just let me know if they would be helpful at all. Glad to hear the swimming was a success x

Sending hugs xx From experience, changes in routine and setting, and over stimulation (noise, bustle whatever) are the biggest challenges. Booking things you know he loves seems a great idea but then the reality can send him off on one. And honestly, this applies to any 2yo! Recommendations here are great - be kind to yourselves and aim for soothing and calm. Ignore the starers - they should be ashamed of themselves xx

What lovely caring advice from everyone.
My 2 ASD's are grown up now & so much easier, they are lovely!
What great parents you sound. Bless you both. xx

It is OK to do less. You are planning lots of activities because you are trying to do nice things for him, but it is probably too much for him.

This is a really good comment.

DS5 doesn’t have autism, but he is very easily overwhelmed and finds transitions and too many choices very hard to cope with. We’ve dragged him on enough activities now to know that a) one per day is more than enough, and b) what he really wants to do more than anything is be in a playground or ride his bike, or play with his toys at home.

Everything else, even if it is something he will objectively like (like a trip to the aquarium which he genuinely loves) overstimulates him and risks a meltdown at some point. We have to limit play dates to 1hr, we have to plan holidays to have plenty of breaks back in the hotel room, if we go out for the day we make sure there is a long lunch break somewhere he can play and wind down.

The activity today didn’t go well, but you can still have a lovely time exploring the forest, playing in the room, and going swimming.

I would stay and enjoy the change of scenery / family time . I would skip the activities and just focus on time together as a family .

I’m so sorry I haven’t read the thread but know what this is like and still go through moments of dispair. Please buy or make picture cards of activities or actions or emotions and use them to communicate what u plan to do in the day or what is next? Or what they are feeling? Good luck!

Just wanted to say that you’re not alone OP. My son has terrible meltdowns too and family days out / holidays often end up being awful. Ignore the stares; most people will have sympathy for you as all kids have tantrums at some point. Big hugs to you and your DH & DS.

I’ve not read all the comments but he sounds exactly like my ds was at 2. Mines now 5 and doing really well at school (academically ahead) but still has the speech delay, melt downs and struggles socially and emotionally.
we spend most of our time in the countryside avoiding crowds and organised activities this means we all have an enjoyable time
i would suggest changing i to our expectations until he’s a bit older and more able to cope as it will be easier for all of you. There’s plenty of time later for organised activities

OP, I'm not an expert but your son is only 2. Has he had a diagnosis of SEN? Could it be possible he's just having a typical temper tantrum? If he's had a formal diagnosis, have you not been given any guidance on how to manage his behaviour, and finding appropriate nurseries for his needs?

No 2yr old wouldve sat and stuffed a teddy. You're doing things that arent age suitable even with the potential additional needs. A 5yr old would be hard pushed to do that without getting up and running around.

Might also be worth looking at makaton for helping him communicate.