AIBU to do the bare minimum with the kids

[Redcar87]

I work full time, have 2DC under 3, and manage all the life admin and house stuff. DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

DS1 is a handful. He is also pretty mean to DS2. Well ignores him and tells him to go away a lot. They fight over me constantly. DS2 wakes through the night.

Anyway my questions is that I basically do the minimum to get through the days and evenings. So right now I'm watching DS1 pour expensive bird food all over the grass rather than stop him and face a tantrum. Or I let DS2 eat chocolate for breakfast because it kept him quiet for 5 mins. Days like today and its just me at home with both DC and I try to think of things to do but the thought of doing an activity with all the fighting and mess and the 2DC arguing...I'm probs just going to stick cartoons on and just wish the hours away until I can go back to bed.

Do people just get through this bit? I do love them and they're so sweet but they are relentless in wanting to break stuff, fight, cry. So for example I made them pancakes and they argued over which one they wanted to eat and all of it ended up in the bin in a tantrum. So j just gave them a cereal bar and ignored them

I'm a terrible mum maybe. Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum. I've been ill this week too and I just can't find the energy

What would your financial situation look like if you dropped one day a week?

What does your DH do when he's not at work? Is he doing childcare/housework or just lying in bed or watching TV?

If ever I see a cute baby and get broody twinges, I pause and mutter "toddlers, they mutate into toddlers" until the feeling passes. DS1 was a raging toddler from 10m until 5, and at 2 I added DS2 complete with SPD pregnancy, and tough recovery birth into the mix. 1-2/ 3-4 was crazy. DS1 would tantrum at everything and DS2 was either BFing, climbing or running away.

It
Was
Tough
Going off to work to teach teenagers was a refreshing break 😂

Things made a lot more sense with hindsight when DS1 was diagnosed with Dyspraxia and ASD some years later. TBH I'm not sure that he's alone with being ND in the household.

I quickly learned not to take the pair of them to the big town playground on my own... but I did build up a good rotation of smaller playgrounds that didn't get crowded and meant they could stay in sight.

I think they were about 4/2 when DS1 could stand in the swimming pool throughout and I was happy to take them solo. I've since found shallower pools that could have been viable earlier. Some pools have tightened up their parent: infant ratios though.

I can find the summer holidays tough so write lists of places/ things to do that are options, not a to-do list, and it makes it easier to think of ways to fill the time with practical activities.

There's a lot of things that never appealed to DS1. We have used screen time since 1, admittedly a lot at the point that my mobility was poor in a long, hard winter. I then used a timer on the TV to rein it in when I felt human again. I'd strategically arrange to be out of the room when the TV "broke" and the howling started. Over a couple of weeks, the howling reduced and stopped and he'd bimble off to do something else.

I reached the point with DS2 of going cold turkey on BFing at 20m for my sanity. He was well used to going a workday without, but instead of being happy with a morning / bedtime feed he became increasingly demanding. I told him that the milk was "all gone" and after a few days he broke the habit.

Don't be afraid of tantrums. Know what battles are worth fighting and plod on. (Our pb was 4 hours... that led to referal for ASD diagnosis)

It's hard to break tired habits when you're kmackered but it does pay off.

I haven't mentioned the DH issue. I don't know what the details are but as a general trend it's amazing how many DHs/ dads have mental health issues and get to abdicate from their family responsibilities. Much more so than the women ploughing on as much as they can... This unfair burden will have a lot to do with the overwhelm because you're doing the heavy lifting for a man-child on top of two demanding infants.

When you work, are the children at nursery?

It’s different being at home with babies than with a child/children. I don’t like the baby stage but I absolutely prefer being at home with toddlers/kids to working - only saying this as some things you’ve said remind me of myself (the ADHD traits mainly, and your eldest DS sounds a bit like mine)

On DH - he does work part-time. He used to work full time in a big company but he was so stressed and angry all the time - so we agreed he would move to a smaller local company and go down to 3 days a week.

He has one day to himself, and one day with DS. The problem is the one day with DS is a Friday - and I work from home - and it's almost impossible. The three of them come in to disturb me every 10 mins.

DH does have a habit of coming in to see me and saying 'DS1 just hit me, or DS1 just pissed on the sofa' - as if he's an older kid telling on a younger one. It's very unattractive if i'm honest.

Can you jiggle the days so he's home alone?

You can't work located in a creche with inept staff!
He needs to know he can manage himself and not always bail to the easy option.

I want to teach DS1 things and do activities with him but it descends into chaos so quickly because he just wants to push everything off the table or wants to throw things etc. And I guess I have given up a little. And now I just do what I can do get through. But I think banning the snacks could be a good place to start.

I agree about going out with them as much as possible. Just difficult if DH has gone somewhere and it's just me with both of them. I tried to get to a birthday party a couple of weeks ago and ended up driving there 3 hours late and having to turn back as the party was finished by the time I got there. It's hard not to get de-motivated at trying to do stuff when it always seems to end badly

Okay so the issue is he’s acting like you’re some sort of senior adult and putting all the responsibility onto you. That’s not on.

He has one day to himself, and one day with DS. The problem is the one day with DS is a Friday - and I work from home - and it's almost impossible. The three of them come in to disturb me every 10 mins.

DH does have a habit of coming in to see me and saying 'DS1 just hit me, or DS1 just pissed on the sofa' - as if he's an older kid telling on a younger one. It's very unattractive if i'm honest.

Can your DH up his hours to do 4 days a week? It sounds like he might prefer that to the one day at home with DS. He still gets one day to himself then. If he did that, is there any scope for you to reduce your week to 4 days and take over with DS?

Otherwise, you need to go into the office on Fridays and leave them to it.

Wait until they’re older, honestly. Mine were pretty destructive at that age - wanted to take everything apart, knock everything over, pour stuff all over the place etc. I home educate them now!

it’s just a stage, some kids are like this. It won’t be like it forever I promise. All of mine have rapidly become much more interesting and fun after 2, and again after 3.

The odd day like this is fine. Longer term not fine. I think you need to look at why you are doing this and what you can do to improve the situation.

Yes, I thought about this. it is a good idea. A nursery with inept staff....ha hah...problem is I'm inept too!! Ha ha.

Going into the office on a Friday is a good plan - and then I might even be able to see a friend for a quick drink after work occasionally. IMAGINE. I think DH would think it was very very strange and be offended - as he knows nobody in my office goes in on a Friday so I would be going into town to just get away from them.

Are you happy with the nursery for the four other days they are there? What do they enjoy doing there that you could maybe replicate at home?

May I be so bold to add a number 3?

3 Stop breastfeeding if you don’t want to feed anymore. It’s just going to make you miserable. Your DS has to understand no means no, so if you make the decision to stop, say no when he tried to feed and mean it.

Are you happy with the nursery for the four other days they are there? What do they enjoy doing there that you could maybe replicate at home?

You sound overwhelmed and possibly on the verge of cracking under the pressure.

where is your husband in all of this? It seems to me as if he is using mental health as a cop out. Plenty of people with severe mental health issues are highly functioning with well paid stressful jobs and active in their childrens lives. He is working part time and not playing an active role in family life why is that?

Oh and I’ll add a fourth

Really try to get organised before your eldest heads to school. No clean laundry, no routine must cause you a great deal of stress now. Imagine how when at school?

Go to work on Fridays. Leave your husband clear instructions to take them out for x amount of time and do an activity with them.

Your DH sounds like a weakass.

OP how much do you spend on childcare and expenses so you can work? How much is left after you have deducted it and tax from your income?

Unless you’re on £75k+++ a year, with your partner working too, which of course you may be, it just doesn’t add up.

Drop some hours. Pay less tax. Take a rest. Be a mum. You’ll feel better.

I think DH would think it was very very strange and be offended - as he knows nobody in my office goes in on a Friday so I would be going into town to just get away from them

This is not strange or anything to be offended by. You ARE going to the office to get away from them - so you can work in peace.

Look, your DH works 3 days and gets 1 whole day to himself. He then does 1 day childcare, alone. On the day to himself he needs to do housework and life chores.

At the weekends you need to work as a team. Why isn’t he with you at the weekends? Why are you parenting alone?

Can your dh go up a day and you drop a day so you're both doing 4 days a week?

I'd be tempted to tell him that you're taking the financial hit and dropping a day so you have a day to yourself too (no children) and see what his response is.

It sounds tough - obviously they both just want all of your attention all of the time which isn’t possible.

I’m also a naturally somewhat disorganised person. Why don’t you try organising for the next day after they have gone to bed - so sort out some healthy snacks, maybe set up some sort of activity or whatever. I agree with others that while the path of least resistance may be attractive in the moment, in the long term it’s probably getting you into a pattern that isn’t helpful.

OP,
You sound amazing.
You are doing it all.
It sounds exhausting and relentless and you are doing it alone.

I certainly wouldn't be as calm as you sound doing it all with a man who sounds like a heavy load to carry.

When my two boys were very small, two empty spray bottles filled with water and a rag gave them hours of pleasure.

They cleaned inside the house, spraying doors walls and wiping.

In the garden they sprayed the plants with the mist, endlessly giving them a drink.

You are functioning on very little sleep too and breastfeeding.

I think when you are doing as much as you are, it is hard to see the wood for the trees.

Lots of advice on here, dismiss anything unkind.
You are clearly doing your best.