AIBU to do the bare minimum with the kids

[Redcar87]

I work full time, have 2DC under 3, and manage all the life admin and house stuff. DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

DS1 is a handful. He is also pretty mean to DS2. Well ignores him and tells him to go away a lot. They fight over me constantly. DS2 wakes through the night.

Anyway my questions is that I basically do the minimum to get through the days and evenings. So right now I'm watching DS1 pour expensive bird food all over the grass rather than stop him and face a tantrum. Or I let DS2 eat chocolate for breakfast because it kept him quiet for 5 mins. Days like today and its just me at home with both DC and I try to think of things to do but the thought of doing an activity with all the fighting and mess and the 2DC arguing...I'm probs just going to stick cartoons on and just wish the hours away until I can go back to bed.

Do people just get through this bit? I do love them and they're so sweet but they are relentless in wanting to break stuff, fight, cry. So for example I made them pancakes and they argued over which one they wanted to eat and all of it ended up in the bin in a tantrum. So j just gave them a cereal bar and ignored them

I'm a terrible mum maybe. Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum. I've been ill this week too and I just can't find the energy

You need to lose the husband. Honestly. Get him gone. He’s fucking useless, manipulative and frankly, delusional.

I’d also like to second this.

When we are overwhelmed, we can only respond to immediate needs. We can’t plan, execute, get other people on board with the hard necessary changes by insisting, holding firm and expending our energy on making the changes.

You’re firefighting now - that’s OK, it’s understandable. Just pick one thing to focus on. That could be a plan to stop breastfeeding, or a plan to ensure your own free time, or a plan to get 1-1 time with DS1. Be singleminded about just that one goal. Then pick another after that.

I think ultimately your DH needs to shape up or ship out. But that’s not going to get solved or decided in a hurry. Focus on small achievable actions towards improvement.

You’re looking for ‘a bit better’ not ‘totally perfect’.

'he's like 'oh sorry didn't realise you were so busy to not be able to answer a 10 second question' and then if I say anything else we are probably going to have a full argument all while I'm meant to be working and he's meant to be looking after kids'

Your H is a passive aggressive (and lazy) prick! Kick him out and get a childminder.
I can't believe he only does his own clothes!!! He does the bare minimum, NOT YOU!!!!

OP, you sound exhausted. You don't sound like a bad mum at all - if you were, you wouldn't be posting on here for advice. Being a working mum of a baby and toddler is hard, doing it all without a supportive partner is worse.

Some practical things-

If the house is chaotic, can you afford a cleaner for a few hours a week? Obviously that doesn't solve your bigger problems but it's one less job for you and might give you a chance for a break.

I would try to make a plan to stop BFing if you feel the time is right. For me, stopping BFing (although I had loved it and carried on over a year) was a huge step towards feeling like "normal me"- I don't know whether it was hormones or just that I'd started feeling a bit like a resource (?? sounds a bit weird but I don't know how else to put it) and stopping the BFing got me back to feeling part of the adult world with personal physical boundaries, boobs in a nice bra, rather than feeling all baggy and leaky and accessible. I don't mean this as a negative thing about BFing at all which I really loved but I also loved going back to "old me".

Maybe not for you but if you can't face doing something like painting, would your toddler enjoy those water pens (aqua doodle?)- you can get big mats to draw on or small pictures to colour in and it's literally a pen with water in it so no mess but it still feels like something creative. Hope that's not a silly idea.

DP needs to do a lot more. Unless he's really really unwell, it's completely unfair that he's working 3 days, failing to do childcare 1 day and then basically no use at all the remaining days. Sounds like he's actually creating more work for you not helping you.

Right. And did you ignore him while he just played merry hell like OP does? Did you give in to his tantrums and wonder why he was badly behaved?

So he's a passive aggressive, useless fxxk who gets angry when you try and lay a boundary down?

You are in a controlling relationship with an abusive prick.

Yes ABUSIVE.

He does fxxk all.
Uses his MH to work part-time.
Avoids the children/home at weekends.
Is passive aggressive if you challenge him.
Wants to be a full-time cock lodger if you get a promotion while doing fxxk all.

Women's aid is there to listen to you.

You are SO EXHAUSTED that you cannot see what I, a woman in her late 50's can see clearly.

Lots of other posters can too.

You have a Class A waster on your hands.

You NEVER want him home full-time.

You need your contraception bullet proof and you need to look at your options.

You need to reach out to friends and family for support.

Who have you to support you?

This waster is looking after himself first and LIVING OFF YOU.

Keep posting, you poor pet.
If you were my daughter I would be furious for you.

I agree completely.

OP, have you posted before? This is all ringing a bell. If so, I'm sorry to read that nothing has improved but I don't think it will while you still have a deadweight DP.

First of all, hugs. You’re a loving mum, that shines through from your post. But you have a DH problem. Is his MH issue diagnosed? Is he seeking appropriate treatment? I’m sorry he’s unwell but he can’t just duck out of all responsibilities without seeking help. You don’t have that option! Your story sounds familiar, did you post before? You’re only not managing because you are trying to do the impossible, work, parent AND cater for DH . He’s actually creating more work for you by offering to do childcare but only half doing it. Imagine if you had a nanny who looked after those kids properly while you worked and you could come to them fresh at the weekend. Or an au pair who would stick on a wash and make their dinner. Imagine how freeing that would be. I hate leaping straight to LTB. But right now…

I’ll drink to this

OP i relate to this so much. So much so that I’m doing my first ever post here after lurking for years and years.
I have 4 under 8, I’m a SAHM and have a husband who is an emergency services worker, so is often absent at weekends and knackered when he’s here.
My kids watch far too much tv and have lots of screen time. I try really hard to get the younger two out every day while the older two are at school but sometimes I also do the bare minimum to survive. Totally understand how you feel, even down to the breastfeeding (except my toddler is 2.5, and I can’t seem to find the energy to stop, like you say it’s just so easy when they are upset, wake up etc).
I bought the “five minute mum” book and it really helped with the little two. Even super simple stuff like posting pasta in a shoebox really helped give me five minutes of peace.
Not much help I know, but you really aren’t alone.

I was struck by these bits from your posts @Redcar87

I'm a terrible people pleaser

and

Problem is he flies off the handle if I pull him up on stuff

It’s not being a people-pleaser if you’re doing it because he flies off the handle. It’s an attempt to keep the peace to avoid abuse, and the fact you're blaming yourself speaks volumes. I agree with pp above about his behaviour. Please speak to someone you trust about all this.

It's hard to fathom that he does his own washing, but ignores the children's and yours when you work full-time and do most of the weekend stuff. It's hard to work out what's going on in his brain when he has a free day, you're at work, kids are at nursery and he just pulls his stuff out of the washing pile and ignores the rest.

I have similar aged children and can definitely relate to how you are feeling. The combination of 2 children under 3, working from home and trying to fit it round children, no family support, breastfeeding, a chronic lack of sleep, and a husband who doesn't really share the responsibility of the children evenly. My older child is quite well behaved and my husband does a lot of housework and I still find it relentless sometimes. I find that a routine of doing something with the older one while the younger has a nap, and getting out of the house as much as possible are key. I probably let mine watch more TV than ideal but no tablets or phones. And snacks are limited to carrots, bread or fruit. I also think it's worth being strict about your boundaries so the children know what to expect. And letting everything else go. Avoid constant nagging.
For getting out of the house with 2, try to meet another mum with similar aged child. Then you have company, children are happy, and there's an extra pair of hands for dealing with emergencies.
But there is no easy answer, it's just hard work a lot of the time. The joy of children is sharing them with others and if you are always alone it's tedious and lonely

This made me smile. So he actually insisted on buying separate laundry baskets for our bedroom as it "makes more sense". I didn't think it was a big deal at the time but now I'm wrestling with the kids, mine, towels and sheets...I'm starting to think maybe he's a mastermind lazy arse.

I don't have a lot of mum friends to meet. It seems everyone dispersed from the city during covid and now lots of my friends live elsewhere. I still see people but I don't know anyone to pop out for a walk. I will try to get to know some people

So you work full time and he can't even stick on the kids' or household laundry?

Once he gives up work entirely, he will be an 100% redundant human being who you will be able to kick out and cut loose without it causing any financial or other inconvenience.

So he actually insisted on buying separate laundry baskets for our bedroom as it "makes more sense"

This is really weird, OP. Is he like this in other ways?

He's just looking after himself isn't he. Everything you say. So selfish. He sorts himself out and you do everyone / everything else. If it's because of bad mental health then what's he doing to help himself? If he won't do anything then I'd be thinking about leaving. If it's not that and he's just plain selfish, then I'd also think about leaving.

When mine were two under two I had a structure to my days off with them

6-7 am Breakfast, breastfeed etc
Cbeebies on! Get a drink and my breakfast
7-8am Get load of washing on, breakfast things away, Have a quick shower etc
8-9am Play, get at packed for the day
9-11:30 am Go to rhyme time, park, play centre etc
11:30-3:00pm Lunch, clean up after lunch, get children down for naps, rest if they nap
3:00-5:00pm play with children,organise toys as I play, tea made, washing out etc
5:00-7:00pm Tea, tidy up toys, bath, milk, stories etc
7:00-8:00pm Quick tidy up, put clothes away or a job that needs doing
8:00pm Collapse!

Sounds more complicated than it was but having a structure meant I got tidying/cleaning done, played with them, went out etc

There needs to be a compromise on your husbands days off e.g. on his time off he does weekly shop, puts children’s clothes away, tidies an area of the house. Some jobs that’ll make life easier. Definitely work in the office on the Friday!

Start looking at the figures as to how you would manage without his financial contribution.

Have a look at what you would be entitled to.

He's 100% about himself.

He's well able to minimise what he does.

You are in a highly abusive, controlling relationship where you are afraid of him letting fly.......

You seriously need to join the dots and reach out for support.

This is NOT a good man.

That's totally unfair and unsupportive.

Whether he likes it or not that day has to change. Your work is important and he's opting out

What is the point of him?

Urm. So there are definitely a few weird things. I always remember when we stayed with my parents for a few weeks before the 3rd lockdown to get out of our flat and he was so awful. He would go to bed at 8pm straight after dinner and look at his phone for hours...he got himself really worked up about portion sizes and saying my mum wasn't feeding him properly and that it was my responsibility to check if he had enough food and to fix it. That was very strange. He also buys food and says he doesn't want me to eat it. I do point out we are married in our 30s and 40s and he says things "OK, have a spring roll but I was rationing them for myself and counting them". Don't know. Not big deals but things I find weird. He did see a therapist who told him he had control issues. She didn't say he was controlling but he struggled with not being in control but he made it sound like she was sympathetic to him if that makes sense. I dunno. I do get on with him and we had a good time together once but he can be a bit weird and a bit nasty

Getting on in the past is not a reason for staying now

And you appear to hold all the cards.

@Nanny0gg I don't feel like I hold all the cards at all. I feel like I could lose my home, kids and savings to a bloke who would want revenge.