AIBU to do the bare minimum with the kids

[Redcar87]

I work full time, have 2DC under 3, and manage all the life admin and house stuff. DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

DS1 is a handful. He is also pretty mean to DS2. Well ignores him and tells him to go away a lot. They fight over me constantly. DS2 wakes through the night.

Anyway my questions is that I basically do the minimum to get through the days and evenings. So right now I'm watching DS1 pour expensive bird food all over the grass rather than stop him and face a tantrum. Or I let DS2 eat chocolate for breakfast because it kept him quiet for 5 mins. Days like today and its just me at home with both DC and I try to think of things to do but the thought of doing an activity with all the fighting and mess and the 2DC arguing...I'm probs just going to stick cartoons on and just wish the hours away until I can go back to bed.

Do people just get through this bit? I do love them and they're so sweet but they are relentless in wanting to break stuff, fight, cry. So for example I made them pancakes and they argued over which one they wanted to eat and all of it ended up in the bin in a tantrum. So j just gave them a cereal bar and ignored them

I'm a terrible mum maybe. Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum. I've been ill this week too and I just can't find the energy

Another one from 2022 if the date bothers you.

www.mind.org.uk/news-campaigns/news/benefits-assessments-continue-to-fail-people-with-mental-health-problems-according-to-expert-evidence/

April 2022 stats. Mental health conditions account for 38% ie the highest percentage by a very significant margin as being PIP recipients

PIP Assessments May 2017 to April 2022 (last five years) by main disabling condition
Change to table and accessible view
Percentage of all assessments
Psychiatric disorders
38%
Musculoskeletal disease (general)
16%
Musculoskeletal disease (regional)
11%
Neurological disease
11%
Malignant disease
6%
Respiratory disease
4%
Cardiovascular disease
3%
Endocrine disease
2%
Gastrointestinal disease
2%
Visual disease
1%
Hearing disorders
1%
Genitourinary disease
1%
Other
3%

www.gov.uk/government/statistics/personal-independence-payment-statistics-to-april-2022/personal-independence-payment-official-statistics-to-april-2022#pip-statistics-by-disabling-condition

most common category recorded for normal rules claims at assessment is “Psychiatric disorders”, a broad categorisation which can be further broken down to show a wide variety of more detailed conditions. Three quarters (75%) of normal rules claims classified as having “Psychiatric disorders” at assessment fall into one of the following five sub groups:

Mixed anxiety and depressive disorders
Mood disorders
Autistic spectrum disorders
Learning disability global
Psychotic disorders

I would certainly say that he needed to try his best to improve his health to a position where he could effectively parent his children, if that is an option.

Many parents with both physical and mental health conditions don't opt out of parenting.

I was always happier outdoors too.
Our local area has play areas split between under 7's and over so no crazy climbing frames.
Otherwise, take them for a walk in local woods. We used to look for the gruffalo and all the characters. Ask the older one to find random objects like a smooth stone or flower.
Look out for bugs and things and listen out for the birds or scurrying animals.
Do you have a farm/city farm nearby? Or a duck pond?
I found those places easier to manage a toddler and baby than a playground.
They're very calming places for both kids and adults as well.

Of course the date is relevant

very odd to think otherwise

That doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that many people have these conditions, apply but don’t get it despite struggling. It also has nothing to do with the fact many people have to appeal to get it - if they’re not doing the assessments badly, why are 70% of rejections overturned?

Hence why I gave you an up to date article showing it’s still happening. Youre coming off very much as “I’m alright Jack” - you can’t fathom your experience isn’t universal

You base it one your experience and articles

I base it on my experience and stats

Neither right or wrong

but different views on PIP and mental health applicants

“If it bothers you”

hence my response re date of article being important

And you’re coming off as because you don’t receive PIP, then the entire system is shit.

It is more balanced than that

Hi OP.
Please ignore people being do hard on you.
You are working really hard, providing for the family with little sleep, supporting your DH with MH issues, a lot more than most women.
You sound overwhelmed, and I just want to say you sound like a really lovely person to me. And also very sincere, which is rare in this world of best parenting competition.
Don't compare yourself to SAHM who have the day to organise days out with children and don't have the level of responsibility you have. You already know stuff that is not right, be confident that you will find a better way with the kids and everything will fall into place.
I personally found it so much easier when my children passed age 4. You will probably find the same thing. I would try to do garden activities as much as you can. Invite a friend with children the same age. This stage will pass, don't be hard on yourself. You sound loving and very honest. You will find your own ways to manage the children, I find outdoors was best at that stage. xx

I have the same age gap OP. I think you really need to try to focus on getting your youngest to play away from you. It could be that DS1 is getting jealous because you spend all your time with DS2 on you, he could be acting up for your attention. I found having boundaries and sticking to them the easiest way as they knew what was expected, yes you have to be consistent and initially it can be a pain to get them used to it but they soon learn. 3 meals a day and snacks of fruit or vegetables. Limited screen time. At least an hour out of the house a day whether it’s a playgroup, park or shops. DC2 was a pain and also always attached to me to feed, I spent 2 nights in hospital and he didn’t Ask for a feed when I came home and slept through.

I once gave my 2 dgs bowls of water and paint brushes and got them to paint the house outside.

I have twins, and totally feel your pain, I really do, and I was a sahm so didn’t have full time work chucked into the mix as well. You sound utterly exhausted! I also suspect I have adhd, which I feel throws in an added angle of difficulty.

Get them out and exhausted is the best thing to do. I hated taking my kids out alone because they were utterly feral, but it had to be done. If you can’t manage out the house, do you have a garden? Or space for indoor toys? I had an indoor bouncy castle, I’d inflate it and let them go nuts. Or get them running from one end of the house moving tins of food whilst you shout at them Sargent major style (mine loved this game!). Anything really to get them busy and moving.

I didn’t really do crafts with them because it was hell. The aqua doodle things were a hit, going for walks or picnics in the garden and having to tiptoe from the monsters, or shout to scare away the dragons, all that sort of shit. Balance bikes. A race. Chase. Then retreat once they’re engrossed!

I tried the giving in because I just couldn’t handle anymore aggro - it worked short term but they just get bigger and gobbier and harder to manage. Longer term it’s just not worth it.

It will get better, it’s just a shitty rough time currently. Mine magically became so much easier when they hit 4, but by then I’d had 2 years of hell so I’m 100% done with having anymore kids!

Good luck 💐

At that age and still now, I’d plan 2 things each day - one a trip out, the other a home based craft thing/movie/water play/Lego etc. Id actively engage with both. The rest of the day:meals , free play, tv, bath time, stories.
And persevere - they’ll be able to amuse each other soon and will play on their own and this time will be a distant memory..

All the best and positivity op, keep doing the best you.can.

I get that - I also found it really stressful to take 2 kids out when they were so young. In the end, I found a small handful of places where I felt confident with them and we just cycled through those until the kids were older.

There was a very small softplay where they didn't just disappear into a massive free-for-all, and the entrance was well protected so I knew they wouldn't make a run out the door! And there was an activity centre I found which was divided up into sections, so we went section-by-section. As long as I knew they were in one (small) section with me, I could relax a bit, and then we all moved onto the next section together.

My husband liked taking them to the supermarket, because the little one could go in the trolley seat, and the older one could go in the main part of the trolley, and he had them both contained!

Don't feel you have to do masses with them. If you can find just 1 or 2 options for outings at that age, that's fine. They like the familiarity.

I have 2 under 4 and you sound pretty damn normal.

All the sanctimummies that claim they are busy homemaking busyboards and sensory trays and trips to the park to fill every moment of the day are FAKE.

No one can do that and keep up that level, its fine to stick on some cartoons and let them pull all their toys out and make the place look like a bombsite while you drink tea, catch you breath and switch off for a bit.

As long as the kids are safe the no one dies from a bit of mess or mr. tumble and bing and trust me the crunch moms kids dont grow up to be superior no matter what they think.

You’re completely overwhelmed. Your workload is untenable and things are going awry.

What you need, unfortunately, is a functioning partner.

Are you doing the bare minimum in your job, or just as a mum?

Have a hard look at your priorities.

You may find you need to work less to be a more engaged parent.

I was like you when my daughter was their age. Parks saved my life, different parks each day, walks, driving to the beach. I had to get out with her!

@SnapDog Thank you so much for your kind messages and saying you understand. It means a lot - sometimes I feel so panicked and down on myself.

My DS does sound like your DS so much. I'm trying to potty train him at the moment and even though he understands exactly what is going on, he just has such an extreme reaction to being asked to go to the loo or do anything really. I have learnt this term 'demand avoidant' but he does go along with things more at nursery so maybe it's not applicable. But he even refuses to do stuff that's nice, like get out the car to go to the park, even though it took me 15 mins to persuade him to get in the car in the first place. If I shout/pick him up - he really loses his shit. So I try to keep calm and insistent - and it does work eventually but it takes me so so long. He can be quite aggressive, lots of slaps etc. But he does feel bad after he does it.

Now I have DS2 - I see this huge difference. DS2 is only 14 months but he spends all his time trying to copy me, putting clothes in the drawers, if i push a ball towards him he pushes it back kind of thing. DS1 never did that. In fact, when everyone is doing something he is more likely to run in the opposite direction that follow the crowd/copy. So if I take him to this local petting zoo we have round the corner, he just runs away from all the animals while all the other kids (including DS2) look at them and try to feed them and whatever else...DS1 is off, trying to find a fixing on a gate to push back and forth.

I feel so much guilt. guilt that DS2 has a hard time because he tries so hard to play with DS1 but usually just get ignored/shouted at/at worst pushed over. And i feel bad for DS1 because I think he is finding things difficult - but DS2 is like a little koala on my hip all day.

THen I feel guilty that I shouldn't be at work 5 days a week and shouldn't have gone back at 5 months but we need the money.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I need to get some boundaries in place. Maybe I just need to chuck out all the snacks and ban all the screens. DS1 can't seem to handle having thing occassionally - he wants them all the time. But when he's at nursery he understands they're not available so just gets on with playing and he likes the routine. Today he asked to go to nursery - how bloody awful is that. That's how much our home feels like chaos to him.

Gosh. Another essay. Sorry. I do wonder about ADHD sometimes - I do feel overwhelmed a lot and can't seem to keep things in order.

It's great to hear how brilliant things are going for your DS and that he is a happy little boy. That's all we want right?? I just want DS to be happy and confident, but sometimes our life at home seems to make him very angry for a 3 year old

I don't think there's anything wrong with lots of screen time if you're also sitting with them, no phone, watching it and engaging with the activities, dancing, singing, talking about it later. I bloody loved Aunty Mabel, Balamory and Boogie Beebies. We'd talk about it all the time, predict what would happen and talk about gender and racial stereotypes, even though they were very young (but you don't have to do that!)

We'd go to the park a LOT. Their noise never seems so loud outside. I'd go when there were no other kids, so they'd have to play together and bloody well like it. I'd make up stories on the way, just like my own parents did. Their sweets were in the shop, not at home, so we had to do a long walk to get sweets or ice cream, so no asking for it from the cupboards, as it wasn't there.

Your husband should be able to do these things to give you a break. If he's not contributing to the family financially, doing housework or hands on parenting, I'd consider binning him. You don't need three kids

I want to live in this world. A world where you just get to decide to work less and still manage to pay for everything that needs to be paid for and save for their future. I work because I have to pay for everything and also because I like it if I'm honest. If I was at home 7 days a week 24 hours a day i think it would be worse if i'm honest. I found maternity leave very hard (though almost all of it for both of them was in lockdown to be fair).